Feeling way too bipolar again (long) - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

angie75 · 02-01-2004, 03:46 PM

Hi:

I wanted to introduce myself. I'm Angie. I've been diagnosed BP since I was about 15. At that time, I tried lithium for a while, got toxic on it several times, decided meds were over-rated and didn't take them anymore. The rest of highschool was chaotic. Things exploded in college, when I REALLY had to start on meds, and had my 1st lovely expereinces w/the mental helath system...they wre not good. Theer were a lot of ups and downs, then I met my husband, and we were married 1998. I had a seriosly rough time (on and off between 1996 and 2001?). Then the starangest thing...I did really well from 2002 on. We decided to have a baby....I went off all meds....I was fine. Shocked, but fine. Now, I am falling apart again, and so disappointed. As unrealistic as it was, I really thought, the worst was behind me. I mean, I am an educated person, I have a psych degree w/some masters work, I know BP shouldn't just go away, but I wasn't that bad off. I have to be on seizure meds for complex partail epilepsy anyway, so I had that safety net too. In April, we had an extremely premature (25 weeks gestation) baby, so I am not claiming I don't have stress. But, I really thought this wasn't coming back...not this bad, I know...silly girl.

I also have a host of other medical problems, my preemie has a few of his own as well, and we're in a financial bind (a few months in a NICU will do that).

I don't know. I don't want more meds, but I don't know what else to do. I've run the gamut, and I have some dyskinesia, so I have to be very careful w/meds. I'm on 200mg of topamax, 300 mg of trileptal (both initially for seizures, but my psych doc riased the topamax for BP), restoril prn for sleep, and klonopin prn for dykinesia. I guess I could ask for another topamax bump, but I don;t know. I am so sick of this.

I'm sorry this is so long and whiny,

Angie

thickman · 02-02-2004, 07:47 AM

Not long, not whiny...

Sounds like you need some medications to get ya back on track...

Some people need the meds for a life time! Even when you feel good, you only feel good because you have been taking the meds... I dunno... I would say visit the doctors and see what they say...

wobbly · 02-02-2004, 02:13 PM

I know how you feel about having the disease. There are times when the side effects of my meds get to me and I think about just chucking them...but then I get a reality check remembering where I was before meds. And you have a lot of other side issues to deal with, so I can't blame you for feeling frustrated. I know that's not a lot of comfort, but there are other people out there who are dealing with this disease and all its attendant complications.
Don't apologize for the way you feel--we all have those times and it's just a part of dealing with our bipolar. When you're feeling that way, you can always do what you did--come on the board and post, and the really terrific people here will give you the support you need.
Blessings to you, hubby, and baby.