Hi everyone, well, to put it mildly I'm in a downswing. It started last Sunday and I kept thinking I'd see what the next day would bring. Well, it hasn't improved so I moved up my appointment (it was supposed to be this coming Tuesday) and saw my pdoc yesterday. The short version of my symptoms are continuing anxiety, panic, and depression with suicidal thoughts. He asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital and I thought about it a minute then decided not to because I'd be letting so many people down. But if it weren't for that, I probably would have gone.
So he upped my lithium from 900 to 1200 mg, which has me upset because my tremor is already so bad that I'm having trouble doing my job because I can't write legibly. I asked him if this cycle means lithium isn't working for me and he said he thinks it is working but I just need more because it is controlling the milder swings but not the bigger ones. I don't know what to think. Of course, when you're depressed you're not thinking at your best anyway. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not unipolar, but based on my history my pdoc and therapist say I'm definitely bipolar.
So I'm not totally suicidal but my fondest wish at the moment is to have a short life, dying quite young so I don't have to endure this stupid disease for so many more years. Plus, if I am ever widowed, I would never be able to face things without my husband's support. He is so great, and all I do is take and take from him and he just gives and gives. I love him so much. He deserves someone better than me. Someone normal that can be an equal partner, not a dependent child like me.
Well that is where it stands right now. I sure hope upping my lithium works, because I really need some help right now. If lithium doesn't work, there isn't much they can do for me. Depakote is the only mood stabilizer I haven't tried. Has anybody ever heard of a case where nothing worked? Because if it doesn't, I don't know what to do.
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wobbly
"Gentlemen, nothing's too good for the proletariat!"
--Union organizer "Big Bill" Heywood
Sometimes when you are first being stabilized on lithium a small abount of an anti-depressant (preferably an MAOI inhibitor and not an SSRI) is needed.
Lithium is excellent at getting the manic phases under control (I was in the middle of a MAJOR mania) and once everything is stable will keep the Depressions at bay, BUT it does sometime need a little assist at the beginning if we're IN a depressive phase when we start taking it.
If you had a boost in the beginning with an anti-depressant you may be able to step back down to 900 mg. of lithium fairly soon. Also, check with your doctor about taking all your lithium shortly before bedtime with some milk or food. It helps my tremor because I sleep through some of the worst of it. By the time morning rolls around its not half so bad.
Hang in there, remember the mood is your brain mis-firing, not what your life is really like. You are a fighter, and you've helped so many people here. I get embarressed at how many posts I have and don't write in as much... I've been glad to see you helping out so much!!!
Last edited by HoosierBj; 02-07-2004 at 08:30 AM.
Reason: If I could only catch my typos before I hit send!
LIsten. I know where you're at, I've been there and recently. I am going to list some mood stablizers, some of them are not as commonly used, so maybe you haven't tried them: neurontin, trlieptal, topamax, (plus of course dapakote of course). Everyone is different of course, but it would be worth trying something something new. Have you been on any of the 1st 3? Personally, I had the least side effects from them. Are able to be assertive when you talk w/your doc? If so, does he respond ok to that?
I know it sucks, but if your thoughts stat this way or worsen, you might want to consider the hospital. You may just need new meds. Lithium isn't for everyone. As f or the "letting people down" part, that was my big thing too, but spiraling out of control might let YOU down, huh? I think that was what I was really worried about in the 1st place...letting myself down (after a good 3 yr stretch), but I got past it, and you can to. If it means getting bettter meds that enable to to live a better life. Give it some though, ok. You are worth it,
well as usual, im better at just sharing my experiences and whatworks for me than actually giving advice, but heres what i think. i have found, after so much "letting people down" that it was finally my turn to look out fo rme and me alone. before my first major depressive episode, i was so giving, always lookingout for and worrying aout everyone else but me. like how what i did effects them insteadof how what i did efffects ME. so once i decided to stop worrying about other people and just taking care of me and doing what is best for me, i had a much easier time, andit was a lot easier to take care of myself. granted, its only been a year and a half since i was officially diagnosed with major depression, my goal is to beat it and get my life undercontrol right now, instead of worrying about other people, puching it off, etc. Take care of YOU right now. explain this to anyone you would be "letting down" by going to the hospital. your husband sounds like he is very understanding, he should understand this. because if you dont take the time now, it will never get better and you wont be able to get it under control. see if you can take a medical leave from work, or cut your hours back, and take time to focus on YOU. GO to the hospital if you think it will help you. But the way i see it is if i dont take as much time as i need to take care of myself righ tnow, it will never be in my control, and i will never feel better. i do not wnat this disease to ruin my life anymore than it already has. you do seem like a giver and a caring person, just remember its ok to take some "me" time.
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