What do you tell the kids? - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

Lostdog · 06-07-2004, 12:27 PM

Hi All,
I am new to this site & have been reading posts for about a week but now I have a question.My hubby was recently dx as bp but we believe he has been suffering undiagnosed since childhood.Over the last few months the mania has been bad.(The doc is working on finding the right meds.)Most of his 'anger' is directed at me & its very verbally abusive.I am learning to deal & have been doing OK.I really want us to go to counseling also, though.MY question is, What do I tell my kids when they see my hubby being irrational & mean?He is pretty good about controlling himself in front of the kids but sometimes is just rude to them & that I have a hard time dealing with.It seems like nothing nice comes out of his mouth & I wish he would just ignore them & not say anything if he cant be nice.He will just antagonize them & I feel like I have another child to deal with.BUt I can't say anything to him in front of the kids & by the time I get him aside to tell him to "chill" the damage is already done.What do I say to my kids or how do I handle this?I try a 'look" but it just gets ignored or hubbby doesn't get it, cuz he doesn't see the problem.Sometimes I will give him a little grip on the knee or shoulder but it goes unnoticed.I am ready to scream sometimes.We can talk about it & he will go back out to the situation & continue within a few mins.I have tried going to the park or shopping with kids to get them away from him, but I want them to have quality time with their dad.He works all week & I am home with them all day.They need time with him & I need a break sometimes, too.Any suggestions would be great.I hope the meds start working good soon.This is painful.Thanks,

apinecone · 06-07-2004, 03:56 PM

Always sad to hear of this kind of situation, especially with young'uns-- my empathies! Letting the pdoc/Rx get a chance to take effect seems to be the most appropriate course in your husband's case. As for the talking with your kids (I have 2 in early 20's), I think their age/sex and 'cope-ability' are the most important to consider. Re: those, what are your main concerns?

Lostdog · 06-07-2004, 05:09 PM

Dear apinecone,
As far as my concerns.I am most concerned about my kids feeling rejected or unloved.My hubby has always felt unloved by his father,and even as an adult I can see why.(sad)My kids are ages 18, 14, 8, & 6.The 2 oldest are from my 1st marriage but most of their lifes was with their step-dad & they both feel not quite 'good enough' by my hubby.I feel a real sense of being unloved by my hubby.Even though he tells me daily & I do believe he means it, but he just can't show it.That is hard & he doesn't really see it until I have to tell him the terrible things he has said & done to me.I feel guilty for having to relive it with him.It seems when something is said or done it is erased from his mind & those cruel things keep on hurting me.(He never really had affection showed to him as a child either though)I was the first person he says he's ever trusted in life, and that was after years of marriage.
I just don't want my kids to feel this kind of pain & rejection.(Not only do I worry about it from my hubby, but my hubby's father has disowned us & my kids too)I usually say something like "daddys having a bad day today so lets go to the park & let him rest" But they are old enough to know a person only has so many bad days & they want to spend more time with him.Thanks for your response, I am looking for all the help I can get.

Ruth6:11 · 06-07-2004, 08:30 PM

You would tailor this to the kids ages, but I would be very upfront that Daddy has a disease. But that instead of his lungs or elbow being affected, his Moods are affected. That unlike you or me he cannot always control his moods and he never means to hurt them. That it's hard to understand, but just to keep it in their mind that Daddy isn't well - that you and Daddy are trying to find the right medicine to help him be calmer. And of course that he loves them very much.

apinecone · 06-07-2004, 10:10 PM

Thank you. This has made me appreciate that in addition to your other burdens, you are having to deal with a dilemma that involves what in the medical profession is called "the quality of mercy". The dilemma in your case is that you have the burden of deciding how to trade off the quality of medical care for your husband against your or your children's own personal interests of safety and well-being.

After considering this in your case based on what you have presented, I think that it is important at this point that you adopt a 'clinical' ethic such that if you feel that your or your children's safety or well-being is put at risk by your husband's behavior, then you must choose to protect your personal interest, irrespective of what the outcome might be to his medical interest.

This is profound-- because no one should have to take on such a burden. BTW: It takes significant professional training and experience to deal with this on a continuing basis in serious medical situations. Which is why you must not allow yourself to feel guilty because you do not feel "up to" that standard, because you should not have to deal with this dilemma to begin with. And at some point, even in a marriage, there has to be a limit. Well, I think this is effectively the limit: zero tolerance of any verbal or physical threats to your or your children's safety or well-being. Show me the hospital that has any standard of conduct other than that. The practical result is this: if your husband can't handle that (zero tolerance) then you need to put the burden on his Dr.; and if he can't handle that, then you need to either get a Nurse or find a place for him to convalesce; otherwise, it's 911. I know this sounds drastic but it comes from being 'fierce' toward the end of protecting your and your family's safety and well-being. You can build a life on that but not on the quicksand of having to continually live with this kind of dilemma. And I know that it also involves a trade off in terms of the nature of your love, but, I'm truly sorry to have to say: read your own words re: that.