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Old 09-20-2004, 07:45 PM   #1
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LostSoul101 HB User
Unhappy I really need someone's help :)

I have to start off saying that I'm almost 18, a senior in HS,
female & a resident of a small town, with a close circle of
friends.

I'm writing because I've been a liar for nearly 4 years, and I
need help, have no idea what to say, who to turn to, or what to do. Please help if you can. I know it is a lot of reading and I may be being a pain but I really would appreciate it.

Thanks.

A little history:
All my life known as that clean-cut kid
Did fantastic in school up til 8th grade was gifted student
Parents are divorced; I do not know my real father
Have a younger sister, who is 10
Do not have much of a relationship with mom
I live with my very loving & supportive aunt & grandmother

What has began to change (dramatically)
Grades slipped, one F to another- for the entire year
Became very quiet kid, always stayed home
First time I left the house since 7th grade was 3 months ago
I do not tell anyone the truth about anything, I'm unsure why

What has happened:
Early 9th grade I started talking to a new friend. She and I
have been endlessly close - just in communication. I don't
know why, but one night as a joke I pretended as joke to tell her something that was a total lie- a practical joke. The next day though she was so supportive & enthusiastic, I couldn't help but think wow, awesome- maybe I should just go along with it.

Later I don't know why but I started to lie to her, and only
her, endlessly- pretending to be other people while chatting
via instand messaging, lying about meeting my real father,
talking about endless trips all across the country (feat why I
never left the house because I was too busy), lying about my religion, and I know this will hurt her more than anyone or thing in the world; including myself.

For one, there are about 5 people I've created in my head, and sickly enough I actually find myself alone in my room acting them out, with their own personalities & ways... but never do this in public or in the view of anyone. But I've actually set up false email accounts and emailed her as these other people- chatted with her via yahoo (etc) as these other people. What is really wrong, is that she actually has found a care, a friendship, and total love to these people. One she finds hysterical & looks up to - to no end. The other, she looks for advice & care. The other is just brief chit chatting. The other she talks to - talks about me.

I feel so pathetic, like what a loser I've become. Why I kept
going at this I do not understand. It I suppose, just gave me such a natural high to have someone else soo happy & feel accepted, regardless of whether or not someone was accepting ME.

She knows of my bipolar & ADHD , and social anxiety disorder, but I feel as though I've been skitzo for so long, and lied to such a degree- that if I tell her now I'll lost the greatest friend in the world, and have hurt her more than life itself. She has had immensly serious & important... almost milestone talks with me as the people I've created. She talks to ME about these people, she sincerely beleives in them, and I've really gotten myself in a bad turn of fate.I have never told my psychiatrist or therapist about this. I also have never told him about my drug abuse. I was a gigantic user of disassociatives & psychedelics, and I honestly think that I have Olney's Lesions - causing my extreme memory lapses & loss, too, from using them they have drastically caused me to become unbearably depressed & suicidal. I've cut my wrists to no end, had a gun to my head, been in an adolescent psychiatric ward for 10 days,

My family is so worried about me because I will not tell them anything. Partially because I suppose all the lying I've done might be what is causing me to hurt so much. From saying my father was terminally ill along with one of these people I created, to having the other go through many problems I found myself going through; just expressing them through "him"...

Why I am so concerned is because my depression has gotten SOO bad, I am happy one minute & happily continue my "skitzo" like it is NOTHING, then I'm completely depressed wanting to die, then I feel the urge to confess & just seriously sign myself into a state hospital for life. What mayhem I've caused is serious... it is. This has gone on for years, and my BEST OF BEST friends, MY ULTIMATUM is the one I'm hurting more than anything. Plus I've lied to my doctors and family endlessly.

I started using the drugs around February 04, as a way to waste time of the day and to get past the thinking of how screwed up everything is. But it has worsened me so bad that I have my body so screwed up from the numerous and endless nights of drug use... to the point now that my friends are praising me to tell my family & go to rehab. Instead I'm giving it cold turkey, and am finding this life harder and harder to deal with.

If I come clean I'm "going to get better" but what can they do. I think too much damage is done. I have thought about suicide greatly, but do not want to do it; for it would be hurting my family & close friends to no end.

I need help I know, I need to stop the lying I know, I need to start opening my mouth- I KNOW, but it's so complicated... everything each way will wind up being lost.

I used to be so smart, so well known for my intelligence &
quick wit & with-ease athletic ability. Now I can't even run a lap around the track- for I black out, have to rest, and my
heart is pounding SOO hard, and my doctor is clueless to why I have such issues & he doesn't understand the problem even.

The drug I have abused to no end is DXM (both OTC & pure)DXM if you don't know; is found in cough syrups & thee all famous Coriciden Cough & Cold. I've kept track of my habit, I've gone through 15 boxes of Coricidin, 7 boxes of other brands, 7 bottles of OTC liquid forms of DXM, and 3 bottles of prescription DXM cough syrup. Plus literally about 2 bottles (about 60 pills) worth of PURE DXM. I've really done myself in deep, and I used to know so much- I used to be SO SMART, I had so my knowledge that cracked people up to know I had, and I seriously remember none of those little things I took for granite- like every rock type, like everything about Italy, ...being a Shark wiz, being a huge buff on rock bands & lyrics... now I struggle to remember A N Y of that stuff. Including things that people insist happened but I can not remember. Including the past school year where I always came into school stoned out of my mind- I remember none of it.

I've used other drugs, including a lot of pcp, a little bit of
lsd. All of those drugs they insist people with psychological
problems DO NOT TRY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, I didn't listen and needed a way out of the suicidal thinking so I turned to the drugs and I've dug myself so deep.

The big thing this senior year of course is graduation & future plans. I did awful on my sat's only getting an 850. I had big plans on someday going to BU or NYU, but there is no chance now. So I'm trying to settle in the idea of a smaller college in a smaller setting, for that is all I will be able to apply to "successfully"...Otherwise than that, that is about everything. I have gone through issues with my mom abusing me in the past few years, but I have moved out of the house with her & am under great care by my aunt & grandmother. Who I love seriously more than the breath I'm given to breath- and knowing all this makes me feel horrible for this would hurt them so much to know. The 'issues', the drugs, the lies.

As far as the physical problems - the meds' side effects are horrid. I started way back when taking zyprexa, zoloft, trazadone & ... can't remember... then I was on zoloft for the longest time, and depakote & strattera, plus zyprexa. Then I had a major drop in my WBC's so I had to be taken off the depakote. THEN I was on the zyprexa, zoloft, adderall, and wellbutrin. Now, since an incident with breaking down in school & cutting again, I'm only on wellbutrin & adderall. The adderall helps for my school issues, but the side effects are miserating. I am so exhausted- I think it may have so mething to do with why gym is so hard, and the wellbutrin has been honestly, hell. I'm only on 300 mg of the wellbutrin and 30 of the adderall. I am desperatly desiring to stop taking my meds because I feel so physically drained & soo irritable & uncomfortable...

I have no idea what to do. I have a new doctor's appointment sometime during the end of October at a bigger hospital - Hershey medical center. They have a very high reputation, but the funny thing is is that they have such a good rep., that they will probably dig up the fact I'm lying- and I'll have to confess and so much will spark. I'm so scared, and I wish I could go back in time and change everything.

Lately all I do is cry, I've been in & out of my school's guidance office crying to no end, every morning I just wish I wouldn't wake up, or I could quit school. I don't know who to talk to, who will understand, who won't go "omigod, you are screwed!" I don't know what to do. I honestly wish, that I could just fall asleep and never wake up, never have to worry about this mess I've created and made worse even knowing it wouldn't help...

Thanks for reading if you did.
PLEASE HELP IF YOU CAN
I AM VERY LOST.

I will be checking this periodically for any input.
If you have any questions please feel free to ask. I will
glady reply.

Last edited by LostSoul101; 09-20-2004 at 07:59 PM.

 
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Old 09-21-2004, 03:29 AM   #2
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Posts: 2,190
mudhound HB User
Wink Re: I really need someone's help :)

Your post is so touching. This kind of issue has came up in my life too. My wife is a prof at lying. When she does tell me something I have to try hard to belive her. It can be done! We have overcame the lying and now try as best we can to understand one another. It's a long road but one worth starting on.
Confess to yourself first and see if it helps. I would try writing down the lies and then putting them into a paper shreader or burn then (outside of course).
Comming clean in the end will lift a heavy burden that you do not need in your life.
Just by posting on this board you have shown that you realy want help.
Wlcome to the board. Stay and post as offten as you need. Your input is of value!
__________________
God Bless

Mudhound

Last edited by mudhound; 09-21-2004 at 03:31 AM.

 
Old 09-21-2004, 07:10 AM   #3
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rollycoaster HB User
Re: I really need someone's help :)

First of all let me offer you a big hug and say that you are not alone and you are NOT a bad person.

I used to find myself lying to people...it started off with small things...telling people that I went out with friends on a weekend, when in fact I was too depressed to go out, and I had no friends. I felt nobody wanted to be friends with a depressed suicidal, and so I would invent all kinds of fun experiences to talk to people about. Once I started, it just escalated to bigger lies, until I had invented a whole life that didn't really exist. I would create big dramas about why I was 30 minutes late (as I often was). Nothing was ever my fault...I just made up whatever reasons or excuses I needed.

So I started a vicious cycle...I invented a fun, upbeat person that exciting things happened to....but I was scared and stressed out from lying to everyone. I had nobody to talk to because I was too embarrassed. I couldn't make friends because they had no idea who I really was... I had aquaintances who thought I was the life of the party..but no real friends. If the phone rang..I wouldn't answer it in case I was meant to be somewhere else. I felt horrible for lying, I felt like a failure and I was lonelier than ever, but it just got out of control. I would go out with the intention of being me, but along the way it would all go wrong and I would end up lying and hating myself for it.

Anyway...here is my good news. As scary as it seems right now...you CAN stop the lies, you CAN feel better, and real friends will stick with you. The idea about writing down your lies and burning them seems like a good one....although for me I would have needed a book at least.
What worked for me was a combination of things. First of all I got help (and that's a real biggie....you need to come clean with your doctor about everything (including the drugs)...he isn't there to judge you...he's there to help you...and your drug use could seriously affect your health in the future, especially mixed with prescription meds. Mix that with all the stress you have might be contributing the heart pounding and blackouts. It also might be responsible for you feeling so bad...psychedelics can cause seratonin depletion which makes even balanced, healthy people temporarily depressed.) Depression alone can cause you to lose interest and focus and make your grades drop. If your doctor is judgmental and less than helpful, then you need to find another doctor. Good doctors aren't always easy to find, especially in small towns...but they are worth the search.

Once I got the courage to talk to my doctor, he suggested that I try a life skills group. It wasn't just a bi-polar group, it was people with all kinds of depression, phobias, anxiety disorders, recovering addicts and victims of abuse. The only thing that applied to all of us was that we often had trouble getting through the day and we had big self worth issues. At first I didn't think I would be able to handle a group...I had always been nervous, self concious and shy...but after a while it became easier to share. Sometimes, the "fake me" would kick in, and I would launch into an elaborate lie, without even realizing that I was doing it, and I would have to stop myself, apologise to everyone for lying to them, and start again with the truth. The group would ask me why I needed to lie to them (they weren't mad or hurt or disappointed...they were honestly interested) and I would have to explain why I had lied. The first time I burst into tears, I wasn't sure why I was lying, but we would talk and they would ask the kind of questions I needed to ask myself, and I started to figure out why. Once I had practiced for a few weeks in a small group of supportive people, (and a small medication boost to help my anxiety) I eventually felt confident enough to come clean with my friends and family, not only that I'd lied to them...but WHY I'd lied to them. And surprisingly enough...most of them were very understanding and forgiving. I won't tell you that all of them were..some weren't...in fact some I just broke off contact with rather than explain...but my few REAL friends were wonderful.

I know it seems like you've created an overwhelming bottomless pit, but hopefully even talking about it has helped a little. It's not too late. I know your sr year is stressful and everyone tells you that you have to decide on the rest of your life right now...but things can be fixed. I dropped out of University 3 times before I finally graduated, partly because I was on completely the wrong meds. It may take a little work and you asking for help, but it's not hopeless. Honestly!

I wish you much luck and strength.

 
Old 09-21-2004, 07:30 AM   #4
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Location: Charlotte,NC
Posts: 4
Imbirdlady HB User
Re: I really need someone's help :)

Lostsoul101:
You are so not alone. You are not a lostsoul.....

You are living my 18 year olds son's life,. The illegal drugs are the only things that he feels help him, yet he insists the doctors med's side effects are too tough to handle. Please rethink that. The drugs are what bring you down to where you are now.,..I know because somebody I love dearly goes through this cycle consistantly. If you will give up the drugs and give the doctors medications a chance....over time (and I mean a year....) he/she will help you to stabilize with minimal side effects. Or the side effects will seem less annoying because you'll feel so much better and not bottom out anymore. Anything is better that being so down...right?

My son is 18 and has lived a life very similar to yours. Reality is that the drugs put you into that horrible place you feel you're at. They also start the lying and decline to the "crash".

I know this, not only through my son, but through me.,..I am also bi-polar,.

Has your doctor ever thought of Lamictal? Its my wonder drug and helps with the depression, too,. But I don't use any other non-prescribed drugs with it,. My son does do this, and unfortunatly is not doing as well,. Please consider this thought...it just takes time....please give your doctor your full attention and let him/her help you. Without supplementing on your own.

Hey...the first step is KNOWING there's a problem. You're already healing and you didn't even know it!!!

Please continue to write....it helps. I'm going to try to get my son to write in, too. Maybe he'd have some insight or could share in your feelings. He's in a really bad place right now....I'm hoping somehow to reach him.

God Bless....your soul is beautiful.

Imbirdlady
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Old 09-21-2004, 09:40 AM   #5
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Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Canada
Posts: 205
Concerned39 HB User
Re: I really need someone's help :)

Dear Lost soul- Bless your heart.You truly are on the right path in admitting out loud that you are aware of what has been going on with you.It is the first step and you are on your way to a better future.Please share your feelings and thoughts with your doctor.Maybe print out what you have written here and ask him/her to read it as you are scared of saying it out loud to him/her.Explain that you have just admitted this to yourself and need understanding and support.They will not judge you or look down on you but will help you in any way they can.If not- keep searching for someone who will.It will be hard but once you take that first step you will feel so much better that you are not fighting it alone.Just remember that you are fighting many things in your life and that there is someone out there who is willing to help.Do not beat yourself up over it and do not look down on yourself.You made a mistake and did not willingly start out to do harm.But know you can start the path to changing things and you can ask for help, and never, never feel that you are alone.We all here are willing to listen and offer support and please take the time to remember that you and you alone have made the first step and that is the hardest step to start.Bless you and all the best and please keep posting to let us know how you are doing.You are not alone.

 
Old 09-22-2004, 04:36 PM   #6
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tricksaturnsc2 HB User
Re: I really need someone's help :)

I've used dxm over 50 times, one time was a powdered dose of 5000mg, so I can relate.

The 2 possible diagnoses I see are not schizophrenic, but disassociative identity disorder or borderline personality disorder. In DID, you are not aware of changing personalities.

Borderline personality disorder involves ego defense mechanisms - such as disassociation (natural or drug induced), or lying as a means of preventing people from knowing your true self (out of fear of rejection?). It also involves self harm, unstable & unpredictable mood swings that change very rapidly, suicidal thoughts, self blame (they would be better off without me) or guilt (it's all my fault), &c.

To me i've seen more indications of borderline than bipolar, as least from the information i have (mood swings can easily be borderline as opposed to bipolar). And it's more likely that you have 3 diagnoses (borderline, ADHD, & social anxiety disorder) than 4. Although borderline & bipolar tend to coincide so it's certainly possible to have 4.

I have bipolar ii mixed, borderline pd, purely obsessional ocd, & social phobia.

Also, my impression is that zypexa (olanzapine) causes a low WBC because it is related to clozapine, & that's the only reason it isn't used because it is a fairly effective drug. Not depakote.

 
Old 09-25-2004, 05:37 PM   #7
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LostSoul101 HB User
Thumbs up Re: I really need someone's help :)

Hello Everyone! T H A N K Y O U so much for all your help, encouragement, reassurance, gratitude & care- I really appreciate it. I did tell my doctor pretty much everything- and he said he could keep in confidential- and wiggle around telling my mom the truth. And since I've been clean for 2 weeks he doesn't feel I need to go through rehab. He was super understanding... now he put me on 3400 mg of Neurotin - he says that is thee last resourt for me... AND I FEEL GREAT! I have been on it for THREE DAYS and I feel W O N D E R F U L! No more crying, thinking like a nut, etc!!! It is a beautiful world again! I'm happy to be alive!
I adore, admire & love you guys a ton. TAKE CARE & GOOD LUCK IN ALL YOUR TROUBLES THAT MAY LIE AHEAD! xoxo - Alex

As well, for a few days he had me on Trazadone to help my sleeping - it made me horrific - and that is when he put me on the Neurotin, so now I'm only on Wellbutrin & Neurtin & my synthroid... HOORAY! NO MORE 7 MEDS!!!

Last edited by LostSoul101; 09-25-2004 at 05:40 PM.

 
Old 01-13-2006, 03:46 PM   #8
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mich1971 HB User
Re: I really need someone's help :)

I feel for anyone that is abusing DXM . I was with someone that abused this drug for about 6 months . He became a different person . He purchased pure DXM powder online . He knew that I was on to the fact that he purchased the stuff online . He took the bottle and dumped it into a different bottle to hide the fact that he had it . I begged him to quit taking DXM and he dumped what he had in the original bottle . After awhile I thought about it and realized he dumped it out too easily . That when I figured that he changed bottles . It was a scary situation to be in . He went through a phase were he lied . He convinced his friends that I was nuts and I was the drug abuser . I never tried the stuff . I found information on the internet about the drug so I knew what the drug was all about . People wondered how I knew about this drug . They thought if I knew about the drug then I must be abusing it . I'm one to educate myself about certain situations . It made me angry that I was looked at that way . He didn't want anyone to find out what he was doing at any cost . He was in an automobile accident while tripping on DXM . He then went to his doctor the next day because he was flipping out . His doctor then sent him to a hospital where he had to stay for 3 days . He was on suicide watch . He ended his abuse of the drug right then . He thanked me for saving his life . He did suffer from severe paranoia and hallucinations . He attacked me one night and he said he was going to save me . Which I didn't understand why he'd say that . He would wake me up early in the morning and say the strangest things . I hope that by sending this post that I can help anyone out there that is abusing this drug . Thanks

 
Old 01-14-2006, 07:40 AM   #9
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barbaric_yawp HB User
Re: I really need someone's help :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by rollycoaster
First of all let me offer you a big hug and say that you are not alone and you are NOT a bad person. I wish you much luck and strength.

Ditto...please hold strong! Keep posting updates..as you can see WE CARE!!!


B.Y.

Last edited by barbaric_yalp; 01-14-2006 at 07:41 AM.

 
Old 01-24-2006, 04:30 AM   #10
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LOWnly~Me! HB User
Re: I really need someone's help :)


Hello there,
After reading your post, which i did so several times, each with intense feeling and admiration for you, I cried. How brave you were to have come here and shared your life with all of us. It took big courage and in my mind is the first step in the right direction. I know it must be so frightening for you, and you have genuine feelings of sorrow, guilt etc. That is not the make up of a fraudster, a con-person, someone outright deceitful, it is someone who wishes so hard that they could be the person/s that they so desire to be. Nothing is wrong with that, it is motives that make a crime and all your motives were of good nature. You did not extract anything illegally, you did not benefit financially all you did was hurt yourself and if that was to be put before a jury than not only would the judge and jurers be up for trial but everyone in the world!!!!!!

""When my love swears that she is made of truth, I do believe her, though I know that she is lying"
Shakespeare (Sonnet 138)

"Maturity is when youre no longer taken in by yourself"

"What distorts everything in life is that one is convinced that one is speaking the truth because one says what one thinks"

"It is in the ability to decieve ones self that one shows the greatest talent"

"We always decieve ourselves twice about the people that we love, firstly to their advantage and secondly to their disadvantage"

"The chief use to which we put our love of truth is in pursuading ourselves that what we love is true"

"For one to see the light one must feel a little heat first"

I hope these have given you some solice in yourself. You are in my thoughts, best wishes.
x

 
Old 02-09-2006, 05:33 PM   #11
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ANDRIASANGEL HB User
Re: I really need someone's help :)

Well, I think that this is a COMPLETELY NORMAL thing that, in my opinion, MANY people do...more than you think. I used to do this, and I found the reason for my depression or sadness was due to the lieing. My consciouns (?? spelling ??) was getting to me - as I'm sure it's getting to you, too. You create these "people/personalities" in your head because you are unsatisfied with yourself and/or your own life. (I'm not speaking directly to you, more on my own behalf..I'm not a doctor, this is just my belief) so because you feel unhappy with yourself, you may try and "perk up" the bad parts. Coming clean to your friend and your family (if needed) is the best way to conquer your depression. Honesty is the best policy, as they say. And this is so true..being honest and direct (biting the bullet, sorta speak) is very difficult - especially if you can't be honest about some things because you yourself don't understand it - it's very difficult yet I PROMISE YOU - no matter the outcome, you will feel sooo much better having said your peace. A HUGE WEIGHT is lifted by being honest with someone - and there may be a chance she will be angry and upset (she has a right to be) BUT atleast you can say that you told her the truth and that's all you can do...as well as work very hard to gain back everyone's trust. And learn to love yourself, honey, your at a very difficult age...trust me, we've all been there...I would really like to know how things are working out for you..please keep us all posted and PLEASE be honest from now on...pray for forgiveness, the Lord will take this mountain of burden off your shoulders..take it from me, I have been there. .....PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE keep us informed as to your progress, I hope I've helped a little bit...you can do it girl! you are never alone in this world..God is always by your side - dont ever forget that.

God Bless
-Andria


(I want to say again, I am not a professional...I am only giving advice based on my own life experiences - just want to make it clear, i am not telling you what is wrong with you per say...my answer was based solely on my own experiences and thus, personal beliefs as to how to remedy the situation)

 
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