I have to start off saying that I'm almost 18, a senior in HS,
female & a resident of a small town, with a close circle of
I'm writing because I've been a liar for nearly 4 years, and I
need help, have no idea what to say, who to turn to, or what to do. Please help if you can. I know it is a lot of reading and I may be being a pain but I really would appreciate it.
A little history:
All my life known as that clean-cut kid
Did fantastic in school up til 8th grade was gifted student
Parents are divorced; I do not know my real father
Have a younger sister, who is 10
Do not have much of a relationship with mom
I live with my very loving & supportive aunt & grandmother
What has began to change (dramatically)
Grades slipped, one F to another- for the entire year
Became very quiet kid, always stayed home
First time I left the house since 7th grade was 3 months ago
I do not tell anyone the truth about anything, I'm unsure why
What has happened:
Early 9th grade I started talking to a new friend. She and I
have been endlessly close - just in communication. I don't
know why, but one night as a joke I pretended as joke to tell her something that was a total lie- a practical joke. The next day though she was so supportive & enthusiastic, I couldn't help but think wow, awesome- maybe I should just go along with it.
Later I don't know why but I started to lie to her, and only
her, endlessly- pretending to be other people while chatting
via instand messaging, lying about meeting my real father,
talking about endless trips all across the country (feat why I
never left the house because I was too busy), lying about my religion, and I know this will hurt her more than anyone or thing in the world; including myself.
For one, there are about 5 people I've created in my head, and sickly enough I actually find myself alone in my room acting them out, with their own personalities & ways... but never do this in public or in the view of anyone. But I've actually set up false email accounts and emailed her as these other people- chatted with her via yahoo (etc) as these other people. What is really wrong, is that she actually has found a care, a friendship, and total love to these people. One she finds hysterical & looks up to - to no end. The other, she looks for advice & care. The other is just brief chit chatting. The other she talks to - talks about me.
I feel so pathetic, like what a loser I've become. Why I kept
going at this I do not understand. It I suppose, just gave me such a natural high to have someone else soo happy & feel accepted, regardless of whether or not someone was accepting ME.
She knows of my bipolar & ADHD , and social anxiety disorder, but I feel as though I've been skitzo for so long, and lied to such a degree- that if I tell her now I'll lost the greatest friend in the world, and have hurt her more than life itself. She has had immensly serious & important... almost milestone talks with me as the people I've created. She talks to ME about these people, she sincerely beleives in them, and I've really gotten myself in a bad turn of fate.I have never told my psychiatrist or therapist about this. I also have never told him about my drug abuse. I was a gigantic user of disassociatives & psychedelics, and I honestly think that I have Olney's Lesions - causing my extreme memory lapses & loss, too, from using them they have drastically caused me to become unbearably depressed & suicidal. I've cut my wrists to no end, had a gun to my head, been in an adolescent psychiatric ward for 10 days,
My family is so worried about me because I will not tell them anything. Partially because I suppose all the lying I've done might be what is causing me to hurt so much. From saying my father was terminally ill along with one of these people I created, to having the other go through many problems I found myself going through; just expressing them through "him"...
Why I am so concerned is because my depression has gotten SOO bad, I am happy one minute & happily continue my "skitzo" like it is NOTHING, then I'm completely depressed wanting to die, then I feel the urge to confess & just seriously sign myself into a state hospital for life. What mayhem I've caused is serious... it is. This has gone on for years, and my BEST OF BEST friends, MY ULTIMATUM is the one I'm hurting more than anything. Plus I've lied to my doctors and family endlessly.
I started using the drugs around February 04, as a way to waste time of the day and to get past the thinking of how screwed up everything is. But it has worsened me so bad that I have my body so screwed up from the numerous and endless nights of drug use... to the point now that my friends are praising me to tell my family & go to rehab. Instead I'm giving it cold turkey, and am finding this life harder and harder to deal with.
If I come clean I'm "going to get better" but what can they do. I think too much damage is done. I have thought about suicide greatly, but do not want to do it; for it would be hurting my family & close friends to no end.
I need help I know, I need to stop the lying I know, I need to start opening my mouth- I KNOW, but it's so complicated... everything each way will wind up being lost.
I used to be so smart, so well known for my intelligence &
quick wit & with-ease athletic ability. Now I can't even run a lap around the track- for I black out, have to rest, and my
heart is pounding SOO hard, and my doctor is clueless to why I have such issues & he doesn't understand the problem even.
The drug I have abused to no end is DXM (both OTC & pure)DXM if you don't know; is found in cough syrups & thee all famous Coriciden Cough & Cold. I've kept track of my habit, I've gone through 15 boxes of Coricidin, 7 boxes of other brands, 7 bottles of OTC liquid forms of DXM, and 3 bottles of prescription DXM cough syrup. Plus literally about 2 bottles (about 60 pills) worth of PURE DXM. I've really done myself in deep, and I used to know so much- I used to be SO SMART, I had so my knowledge that cracked people up to know I had, and I seriously remember none of those little things I took for granite- like every rock type, like everything about Italy, ...being a Shark wiz, being a huge buff on rock bands & lyrics... now I struggle to remember A N Y of that stuff. Including things that people insist happened but I can not remember. Including the past school year where I always came into school stoned out of my mind- I remember none of it.
I've used other drugs, including a lot of pcp, a little bit of
lsd. All of those drugs they insist people with psychological
problems DO NOT TRY UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, I didn't listen and needed a way out of the suicidal thinking so I turned to the drugs and I've dug myself so deep.
The big thing this senior year of course is graduation & future plans. I did awful on my sat's only getting an 850. I had big plans on someday going to BU or NYU, but there is no chance now. So I'm trying to settle in the idea of a smaller college in a smaller setting, for that is all I will be able to apply to "successfully"...Otherwise than that, that is about everything. I have gone through issues with my mom abusing me in the past few years, but I have moved out of the house with her & am under great care by my aunt & grandmother. Who I love seriously more than the breath I'm given to breath- and knowing all this makes me feel horrible for this would hurt them so much to know. The 'issues', the drugs, the lies.
As far as the physical problems - the meds' side effects are horrid. I started way back when taking zyprexa, zoloft, trazadone & ... can't remember... then I was on zoloft for the longest time, and depakote & strattera, plus zyprexa. Then I had a major drop in my WBC's so I had to be taken off the depakote. THEN I was on the zyprexa, zoloft, adderall, and wellbutrin. Now, since an incident with breaking down in school & cutting again, I'm only on wellbutrin & adderall. The adderall helps for my school issues, but the side effects are miserating. I am so exhausted- I think it may have so mething to do with why gym is so hard, and the wellbutrin has been honestly, hell. I'm only on 300 mg of the wellbutrin and 30 of the adderall. I am desperatly desiring to stop taking my meds because I feel so physically drained & soo irritable & uncomfortable...
I have no idea what to do. I have a new doctor's appointment sometime during the end of October at a bigger hospital - Hershey medical center. They have a very high reputation, but the funny thing is is that they have such a good rep., that they will probably dig up the fact I'm lying- and I'll have to confess and so much will spark. I'm so scared, and I wish I could go back in time and change everything.
Lately all I do is cry, I've been in & out of my school's guidance office crying to no end, every morning I just wish I wouldn't wake up, or I could quit school. I don't know who to talk to, who will understand, who won't go "omigod, you are screwed!" I don't know what to do. I honestly wish, that I could just fall asleep and never wake up, never have to worry about this mess I've created and made worse even knowing it wouldn't help...
Thanks for reading if you did.
PLEASE HELP IF YOU CAN
I AM VERY LOST.
I will be checking this periodically for any input.
If you have any questions please feel free to ask. I will