who i am - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

gracetoo71 · 10-13-2004, 07:58 PM

i just joined this message board. i figured the best way to start is to introduce myself. i am a mother of twin girls from my first marriage and have been married for the second time for three years. i was a single mother for five years. i have no close friends, only aquaintences. i am a horrible speller. i grew up with a manic depressive mother who never sought help, and still will not to this day. i know for a fact she is because my sister has been diagnoised with bi polar disorder and we lived together for awhile as adults. i know what bi polar/manic depression is. before i became married for the second time, i had some signs; no close friends, switching jobs after 2-3 years, not making any major commitments, being depressed, blue, down for weeks at a time where all i wanted to do was crawl in a corner somewhere and be left alone, overreacting to mild situations, flying off the handle at times, and feeling an emptiness as if i was a zombie. unlike my mother, i have been able to control my disorder for my children. they may know when i am down, or in a mood, but it is not because i am abusive to them. mom is just distant for awhile, but there if i am needed. as a single mother, this disorder did not effect my life like it does today. today i don't feel as though i am myself at all. this mood has lasted longer than it ever has. i am currently under a doctors care. i am taking lexapro and am waiting to see if it will help. i have subscribed to myselfhelp.com and hope it helps. i have come here in hopes that this too will help. i can't let things go, i have been told i am a naysayer, pessismist, that i see all negative. i want to find that corner and be left alone, especially from my husband. i felt better, i feel i had more control on my depression, when i was a single parent. this is who i am. i feel the disorder that has been right behind me all my life has finally caught up with me and has me in its grips. i wish you all the best. take care

Soulcatcher · 10-13-2004, 08:57 PM

Ok I had to look at the name and see if I wrote this. lol I wasn't diagnosed as bi-polar but depression and anxiety and now adays who knows what doctor is right. I also have twin girls and a son. My children are 4,3,3 and I am in the process of becoming a single mother. On that note.......MY mother is bi-polar but wouldn't admit it if it hit her in the face! I know alot of her trades have TRIED to pass down to me, such as her negativity but I do my best to stop it. IF I hear myself being negative I turn it around. I have been taking Lexapro for almost a year. I tried Effexor before and it was't that great but....Lexapro is a life saver if it works for you. I really hope it does. Why do you not have any friends? I know being a mother is hard but you have to find yourself, rather it be a gym, some hobby. Put yourself someplace where you might have something in common with someone. Have you tried exercise? I found that it has boosted my self-esteem and I am feeling almost depression free. There is a way to get through this. It does not have to take your life over! Fight it with everything inside you. When your depressed...MAKE yourself laugh, even if you don't want to. You have friends now...so keep posting. I am totally understanding what your going through.....Like I said I am about to get a divorce so tell me how hard that was? What emotions might I be going through? Maybe we can help each other.....

Concerned39 · 10-13-2004, 09:04 PM

Welcome to the boards gracetoo- I can relate to your difficulties and understand some of what you feel.I feel like that too and am single because I can not relate to someone other than my children, who I have built my life around as I know they love me for who I am.As to friends I have the same agreement, I have enough trouble handling myself and my bipolar- and don't have the effort to put into all that a friendship entails.But I have met a friend on the board who has shown me that to have someone who understands and can relate is to me worth more than 20 friends who don't.Keep posting and you too may find the one person who will be able to give you that support and help you to feel out what it is that may help you.I apologise if I don't totally make sense. I get an idea in my head and by the time I type it out I am 5 ideas ahead already. I hope some of this is understood and I wish you the best.Please keep posting and keep in touch.We here do understand.

gracetoo71 · 10-13-2004, 09:33 PM

i am trying exercise, but lack self disipline. but i am not giving up, still use the gazelle at least twice a week. my kids are 11 and i became a single mother when they were 6 mos. old. i don't know your situation, but can tell you what mine was. i chose to leave because i was not getting any help with the babies, and was treated like a maid basically. where's dinner as soon as he walked in the door kind of marriage. i decided if i could do it alone with him, i sure as hell could do it alone without him. i felt relief when the marriage ended. i felt free. but there were also times when i felt inadaquit as a mother. i was trying to raise two kids on a min. wage job. things were tight and they weren't easy. sometimes i felt guilty for not being able to buy them enough clothes or treat them to a christmas i never had. but i soon came to realize that one of the reasons i left was because of the materialistic way he was and that material things were just that. the love between my children and me, the trust they had in me, was priceless. that is one thing that got me through. i owe alot to my sister, for she lived with me and helped out the best she could. she had to get away from mom who is very manic depressive. i always try to keep in mind that life is nothing but one hell of a roller coaster ride. some of us are on the old wooden coasters, some of us get the nice modern ones. either way, it is one hell of a ride. for me, sometimes my seatbelt becomes loose and i get slammed around alot. and this usually happens around the sharpest curves. i never have the urge to jump off, only for the coaster to slow down or stop for a bit so i can catch my breath, and readjust, but it never does. i just try to take it as it comes and hang in there. life is change. nothing stays the same for long, good or bad. thank you for your reply, it is nice to know you're not alone and there are others that feel as you do. i wish you all the best and look forward to more posts. take care

gracetoo71 · 10-13-2004, 09:42 PM

thank you, concerned. and i understood every word. i too get ahead of myself. i have been accused of being anti-social for my lack of friends and am having a difficult time with this second marriage and am wondering what it was i was thinking almost 3 years ago. i have always been a loner, ever since i can remember. from what i have read on the boards, i feel as though i have found a very good place to fit in. everyone is so supportive and understanding. best wishes to you, concerned. take care