my boyfriend is in complete denial and so was I for a long time about his alcohol, cocaine, anger problems and what I believe to be either depression or mild bipolar disorder. I know that he has to admit he has a problem and seek help which he has not as yet. I have moved back into my house as I cannot take the rages and anger that he directs at me when he is drinking. also the control, verbal abuse, jealously, insecurity, paranoia and drama and everything is someone elses fault usually mine, he is dr. jekyl and mr. hide. he has no friends except a small group of people that are alcoholics or use cocaine. he frequently accidently hurts himself when he is angry and drunk, breaking glass, hitting the walls with his fists. I want to know more about what I am dealing with. what is the treatment for mild bipolar? is he an alcohlic/drug addict too or is that part of bipolar disease? he may be a lost cause I know that, but I do love him because he has an amazing side that is can be sweet and awsesome. I want to help. where do I start?
Unfortunately you cannot help people who do not want to help themselves. You will drive yourself crazy. I was married to a crack addict/alcoholic for ten years. Our lives were complete chaos. He was in and out of 5 rehabs while I was with him. We also went to christian counseling groups and tried to get involved in church. I thought I could be this savior and "help" him but I was wrong. He also had a very sweet, loving generous side but that didn't stick around for very long. I was living on a bad roller coaster ride! I have three children from that marriage and they have not seen their father for 4 1/2 years because of the drugs. You have to ask yourself if you are getting some kind of pleasure or sense of accomplishment by trying to help him. Try reading a book by Melody Beattie called Co-dependent No More. You are placing yourself in a very violent situation. Believe me it is better to be alone than to have to live in such a chaotic situation especially since he is in such denial. I learned alot about myself by leaving him. I am alot stronger, healthier and happier. I am now remarried to an incredible man who truly loves me and my children. It's not a bunch of lies I am hearing now. If you find that this relationship is a healthy one, I wish you alot of luck!
Alcoholism, drug abuse, relationships abuse are not symptoms of bipolar disorder.
I know, because I AM bipolar and I had a boyfriend just like yours who was NOT bipolar.
Your boyfriend is screwing up his brain cells with alcohol & drugs while a bipolar person has a real imbalance that they are born with and which is triggered at some point.
Anger can be caused by childhood abuse, borderline personality disorder, alcohol, drugs, intermittant rage disorder and a host of other things. Until he is off the alcohol & drugs there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to change things - only HE can make that decision.
You may want to look into alAnon meetings or narcAnon meetings for support - but until he's sober & off drugs he will drag you down. Tell him you'll be there a year from the day that he stops doing this stuff to his body. And pat yourself on the back for moving out - that was my first step to a real life....
(By the way, I did keep in touch with him over the following years... he died a month ago at age 48 from damage to his heart from the drugs...)
Oh yes, this reminds me of my old boyfreind. He was perfectly normal until he became addicted to cocaine. This drug causes severe anger managment problems. Now, if he was like this before the cocaine then he could possibly be bipolar. But if he isn't and someone convinces the doctor that he is bipolar(which is all to easily done sometimes) than the problems will only get worse on a medicine that isn't for him. Your first step should be to make him see that cocaine will age him fast. If you can get a picture of before and after the addiction. You have to dig deep to break someone but it sometimes is the only way. Remember if you don't return kindess for his anger than he will never listen. Good luck. It's not easy.
Thanks to everyone that responded, it helped a lot. He invited me over to dinner last night at his house, he had 9 beers and got angry with me twice, once because he asked me if we could get back together and I told him no because I had a zero tolerance for his anger/rages and that I thought the alcohol and coccaine made them worse. He blamed me for his anger and the drinking and drugs. Anyway he mangaged to rein his anger in while I played with his two year old son. It took him about 30 minutes to calm down, then the second time was when we were eating because I fed his cat from the table and again he became very angry and went off to bed and left me so I went home. I have decided not to totally abondon him, I just can't because I love him and his son so much. I will remain his friend. But I will not reward his anger with kindness or tolerate his anger. What I need to know but maybe there is no answer, are the anger/rage issues because of the alcohol or can they be treated by medication. He can get extremely angry anytime of day even when he is not drunk, of course its ten times worse when he is drunk. What about a mood stabilizer. I don't think he is ever going to give up the beer. I believe there is a solution to every problem. If this one has to start with him quitting alcohol the solution will be very long in coming.
It would be impossible to know the answer unless he quits (or at least really cuts back) on the alcohol and other drugs. Keep in mind that most psychiatric meds cannot be taken with alcohol. Not only will drinking make the meds less effective, it can increase the risk of side effects, including seizures, heart problems, and stomach ulcers.
So unless he is willing/able to get sober, the outlook is bleak. But what about you? What are you getting out of this relationship? I know you say that you love him, and when children are involved it is even harder. But you cannot cure him, and you cannot fix him, and you are not responsible for him. I have learned this lesson the hard way with my husband (he is bipolar). You cannot want it badly enough for both of you. And no matter how hard you try, ultimately he has to be the one to take control of his own health. Yes, there is a solution to every problem, but this problem is his, and so must the solution be.