Work and the B word - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

reesie · 10-25-2004, 01:12 PM

I need the benefit of your experience. My bipolar diagnosis is about 8 weeks old. I seem to be responding to meds (after some serious hiccups at first). I don’t feel normal but I don’t feel unhinged either. I took 2 weeks off of work when I was first diagnosed and now I am back. In my opinion my job is an exercise in wheel spinning. Before the dx I was cranky and irritable. Everything set me off. I was on the worlds worst schedule because I barely slept (except for 7 in the morning when I should have been at work). So I was at work every “waking” minute, awake the rest of the time, and ****ed off for the remainder. If I wasn’t doing those things I was crying about my job. I think my job stress was a trigger for my first hypomanic episode which landed me the diagnosis. Now I’m calmer, less irritable but I’m still spinning wheels at work and feeling lost in general. (I don’t know where my life is going or where I want it to go for that matter) At first I thought it was the bipolar irritability that made me hate my job. But now I’m less irritable and I still seem to hate it. Is it possible, medical conditions aside, I just hate my job? Looks like an opportunity has arisen for me to change jobs. I feel like I could use the clean slate to start again without the emotional baggage of my current job. Plus I’d have new coworkers who weren’t around for year zero to witness my manic breakdown. (I was hauled away by the company ambulance and my doc order me to stay home for a week.) I want out of this unproductive job but I don’t want risk myself medically. I feel pretty good now, but the new job would require more driving and a completely different culture. Has anyone had similar experiences or tips on how to deal with this. If offered the chance I’m 90% sure I’ll take it. I have to think hating my job isn’t helping my mental health.

Also, I do all of this alone. I have no family or friends nearby to lean on. I only have 2 people I can talk to long distance and they have their own problems to deal with. Now I’m giving you guys a try.

reesie · 10-27-2004, 10:40 AM

I want to add to this by saying that my mood of late has just been "blah". I'm not motivated, overjoyed, underjoyed, or displaying much emotion at all. I find my career stifled and waste to be honest. I'm not sure if my mood is supposed to be "stable" right now or if I'm still a bit depressed. Anyone else have a similiar experience?

lush22 · 10-28-2004, 10:29 PM

as someone who has been dealing with the bipolar life for 4 years now, i would say that your job, and in general, your community, can have a big effect on your state of mind. in my experience, working jobs i hated made me in a perma-down frame of mind, none of the fun manicy feelings. when i found a job i really liked, which in essence came down to the people i work with, everything turned around. ive never gone this long without hitting a major down cycle, and previously i hit the up and the down all the time, mostly the down, back and forth back and forth. my state of mind influences my functional abilities on the job, and my job influences my state of mind. they can work for eachother or they can work against eachother...hope that makes sense. my advice would be to always keep your eyes open and hungry for something better. if you're unhappy, do some research on the medication you're taking and the alternatives. same goes for occupational and community stuff. hope that helps!

Gambletx · 10-29-2004, 10:33 AM

Okay - it sounds like I wrote your original post. Now I'm not saying you love or hate your job, but I will give you a word of caution. I've found it with myself and others that have been diagnosed with BP that it is very easy to run from their current situation by constantly making changes in their life - new job, or a move, etc.

I was diagnosed last year and once I started feeling more normal, I questioned if I wanted to live in my current city... or was my job right for me? I wanted to change anything and everything I could, thinking that it would also help in making me "better". (granted, some things in your life probably have changed for the better) I have had the same job for the past 4 years and up until mid-last year, I loved it. But this year has been very different. It's taken me a while to realize that my dissatisfaction with my job stemmed more so from lack of self-confidence after being diagnosed. I mean, you spend 31 years thinking you know yourself and then BAM! you get hit with this news. Granted it was great finally understanding what was wrong, but it does change you and the way you view things.

I didn't feel confident in myself to work with my customers and it resulted in me basically hiding out in my house and avoiding my customers as much as possible. And when I was with my customers, I wasn't trying to sell anything. They were just "casual" calls.

I guess my whole point is to say that it may not be so much your job that you're hating, but just the realization of this illness and how it is going to effect your whole life that is complicating everything. Is it possible for you to take a leave of abscence (medical or personal) so that you can have more time to focus on yourself? I took 4 weeks off when I was originally diagnosed. I wish I had taken more time for myself. It's easy to start feeling a little better and then jump back into your old life. But it may have just been too soon. If you can't take any time off, then maybe you can find other aspects of your job that you do enjoy and focus primarily on that, or relate your job to your greater purpose. For example, I've been able to enjoy my job again by focusing on the end result and what that will mean for me... if I'm out there working and succeeding it makes me feel good about myself, I'll be making great money, and that can lead to my ultimate goal of starting my own business b/c I'll have built a good nest egg for myself.

I'm sorry that this is so long of a reply, but I can very much relate to where you are at this time. Best of luck to you!

reesie · 10-29-2004, 02:04 PM

Thanks for the replies. I see your point gambletx. But I think I have to get out of this job. At first I was worried that maybe I was running too, but I've hated this job since before the diagnosis. Right now I just can't seem to get ahead, we have lots of stress, unrealistic goals, and deadlines due yesterday. I'm constantly trading quality for quantity and all that work gets ignored in the end anyway. It's just the most stressful job I have had (which I can no longer handle nor do I want to) and everyone I work with wants to escape as well. I'm really done to hoping to survive everyday without breakdown.

Now that I think about it I didn't have confidense in my abilities from day one of this job because of the inablity to meet any unrealistic goal. I feel like I'm in the prime of my life and I stuck at work with a headache missing it all.