Worth it? - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

*music23* · 01-16-2005, 03:25 PM

Hey all,
Well let's see. I've been bipolar since I was 12. I am now 17 1/2, will be 18 in March. And I just don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm dying.
I used to be something of a genius; I was writing the alphabet at age 1, reading fluently at age two, and outscored my parents on the math SAT when I was 10 years old. I was unstoppable. And then I hit my first depression.
The last five and a half years have been so bad I'm wondering what to do. I developed OCD and panic disorder. I am also now on meds for ADD as well as the bipolar, OCD, and panic. That's 4 illnesses. Now they think I am also seasonal affective. Right now I am in a depression so deep I refuse to do any school work. I just sit in my bed doing nothing all day. I feel like nothing is going to add up to anything in the end, and I'm just wasting my time.
The main reason I'm posting is something my mom told me today which has me absolutely petrified. She said that she and my doctor today discussed the possibility of sending me to live in a residential psychiatric facility in another state for a year or two. I can't do that. I think I would die first. I am an avid percussionist and am in FIVE groups this year including a travelling drumline (yes, I still can force myself to get up and go to some practices as they are virtually the only distractions I have). If you want to be in a drum corps or other major group like that, you "age out" at 21, meaning you can't be in it anymore because youre too old. I don't have that kind of time. It would take me a few more years of extremely intense practice to get to that level, but I think it might be possible, that is, if I don't get sent away.
I am so afraid. I'm trapped and I can't get out. I am my own worst enemy. Is there anything any of you can say? Do any of you have any idea what goes on in those facilities? Would it be worth it? I'm so lost and scared.
Kristina (i'm not even going to put the little waving smiley face like i always do)

kiehn · 01-16-2005, 03:42 PM

Sounds like a residential home, something like a halfway house. Where you would live with others that arent fully capable of taking care of themselves, you still have freedom to come and go as long as you abide by the house rules. However you'd have to ask your mother more about it to be certain. Obviously it has pro's and con's.
The most important factor is talking to your parents about how you feel, what you would like to do with your future, how they can help you, and asking them how they
feel might help you make your decission. I hope you will post back as to how your situtation
transpires. Take Care, K

princesspea · 01-16-2005, 06:12 PM

Kristina,

I'm very sorry you are going through such a major depression. I know nothing about Residential Treatment Centers. I did an online search and all I got was their sales pitch. I've never been in one Though I have been in a military hospital where people have been there for up to a year. That was a regualr hospital setting though.

You may need a med adjustment. It sounds like you're on an awful lot of meds for an awful lot of things but you're still depressed (an understatement I know).

I wish I could be of more help. Just please know I care. You are worth if you can't believe that right now just believe that I believe it for a while.

Love to you,

Jamie

Instanding · 01-16-2005, 07:44 PM

Try not to let the Drum Corps thing cloud your decisions too much. There is always Senior Corps.

I left the Corps due to travel, distance and relocation issues. One can always watch Drum Line on DVD and whack at the practice pad !

*music23* · 01-17-2005, 09:14 AM

Thanks for all of your responses.
I know there is senior corps, but when healthy I have such a competitive drive. I have a friend who just joined the Glassmen on snare. She's so good and she's an incredible role model (or should I say ROLL model). Senior corps wouldn't be as intense as what I would want to do. And watching those groups (I don't know the plural of "corps") is amazing, but it also reminds me that I can't do it.
I'm terrified of the possibility that my mom and my doctor would just send me away like that. Cognitively I know that they just want the best help for me, but it seems like they are saying "Here... YOU deal with her." I would miss familiarity so much. I would even miss my annoying sisters. I would miss my 2 parakeets, my friends, my school, my quints (5 marching tenor drums), everything. I don't even know if they could help me there... maybe the only purpose it would serve is that it would make me appreciative of what I have (because it would be taken away while I'm there).
Kristina