.... - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

weasel · 01-19-2005, 09:44 AM

i dont really have a topic for this thread, i just need to get some thoughts out of my head.

ive been feeling really ok for awhile now. just content with everything. lately im not. but how do you distinguish between symptoms of bp and just unhappiness with yourself or your life? i dunno i guess because i have been feeling "normal" i compare myself to everyone else, and its just not good enough for me. I feel like i should be making more money, working harder, doing more things, andwhen i dont i get frusterated. i can think and think and thin kabout things but i cant DO anything. and i dont knwo why. i dont know what it is that goes wrong between the thinking and the doing.

im unhappy and i cant really tell if its legit or not. mostly because i think wayyyyyy too much about things. i completly over analyze, to the point where i cant tell what actually happened and my perspective is completely warped.

another example. my SO has a MUCH lower sex drive than i. which, when im not over analizing, is fine, but as soon as my stupid brain kicks in it becomes completely my fault because i said something wrong, or im too fat, or i smell bad, or a whole bunch of other crazzy reasons. then those thoughts go into hedoesnt really want to be with me but hes too afraid to dump me because ill have no place to go, whichofcourse turns back into im not good enough for him, which makes me not good enough for myself, which turns into why am i even alive because i could so easily just kill myself, butthatwouldbe unfairtohimbecause hed have to clean up the mess.

so basically im always afraid im not good enough. and my brain turns everything into a pity thing, which when thinking logically is totally untrue, but then how do i know its untrue?

anyway, this is getting really long, if you made it this far, thanks for reading.....hope all of you are well

princesspea · 01-19-2005, 12:28 PM

Hi Weasel,

You sound depressed to me. Not "normie" depressed but really depressed. A "normie" depression doesn't usually include thoughts of Suicide. I can feel this way easily. It's why I'm on alot of anti depressants. It's a horrible place to be. I feel like a waste of skin. I can't believe my husband married me and why he stays with me at times. I just bring in a disability check. I gained so much weight on Zyprexa. I have so many medical problems and so on...and so on ...and so on. I can just tell you that none of it is true...my husband loves me just the way I am. I am a worthy person but, when my meds are screwed up or I need a little more anti d for a while that's when I get out of wack with my thinking. I can tell you you sound normal to me for having this illness but, as with any other illness from time to time we need a little extra help.

Thanks for posting this. I've been sick for a couple of days and gotten a bit down. It just reminds me where I've been.

Love,

Jamie

kiehn · 01-19-2005, 10:12 PM

Hi Weasel
I definately agree with Jamie, your depression is real, especially when you
start talking about suiside. I have learned when I start thinking negative thoughts constantly Im depressed. You may need antidepresant but for now maybe you
can find a pick me up. What kind of things make you feel happy.
Comedies!!!
Shopping!!!
Excercise : (
Listening to your favorite music !!!
Pamper yourself!!!
Relaxing Bubble Bath!!!

Give it some thought and post back as to how you're feeling, K

Ruth6:11 · 01-20-2005, 10:54 AM

Depression is a wierd thing. And I understand fully about over-analyzing.
Here we are with a brain disorder, which when we're untreated and out of control we think its absolutely normal.
So then, when we're treated on meds, HOW do we're normal if we don't really know what "normal" is???
When is depressed TOO depressed? And how do we know when is it bleedthrough from our meds maybe not working quite so well?

As fierce a believer as I am about meds, I would probably resist an anti-depressent due to over-analyzing about the risks of it boomeranging into a mania.
So I work on keeping stress down to a minimum. Taking a vitamin. Working on menopause without HRT (family history of cancer), a regular bedtime, balanced diet.

And while I'd tell anyone to surround yourself with upbeat stuff, I actually work part-time in a funeral home so I have to admit my "dark thoughts" are alot more normal than the average depressed bipolar!

Weasel, I've known you for years now even from my hoosierbj days and I can tell you that you have been so very very helpful here on the boards when you've been able to be get here. You struggled and overcome & done it all over again.

You have friends here, numero uno in this 50 yr old gal pal, so keep in mind that "this too shall pass" - or maybe you can show me up by getting on an anti-depressant for a short period of time.
Mostly, I'm on here at LEAST once a day with very few exceptions. And it is always an upper to me to see that you have posted and still coming here...
A big cyberhug from me
(((((((((((( )))))))))))))

weasel · 01-20-2005, 09:19 PM

Im feeling a little better today, although i havent had time to think at all which helps. i think a lot of my problem is that im so very upset about a dear friend being shipped off to baghdad today with a whole bunch of 18 year old kids who dont knwo what they are doing. ive been sick for two weeks, (i always get depressed when im sick) it hasnt been above 15 degrees in about a week, i hate the cold. i was finally feeling good enough to go to my yoga class last night, which was awesome, but then on the way home, it was snowing and icing and i got into an accident (no people damage, only vehicle) so all the stress i just relieved came back. it definitly isnt coming from nowhere this time, but its just tiring. the suicide thing is normal fo rme, even when im not depressed, its never not on my mind. thanks for responding..........ill get over it eventually, i always do.................