finallypretty

Hi I just wanted you guys to help me understand what mental condition I may have. Oh sure of course I will make an appt. with a psychotherapist soon but for now, I'm curious as to know what mental condition I may have and I would like you guys to help me and tell me what you think I may be suffering from. I will explain my condition below and please DO NOT HESITATE TO REPLY. Thanks

My everyday life goes like this. I AM SECLUDED IN MY HOUSE. I don't go out of my house at all. For fear of people not liking me. For fear that everybody is judging me. For fear that everyone is telling me that I do not belong here on earth and that they want me to leave. I am always hearing or feeling in my head that nobody loves me. And which I feel must be true cause I have no friends. Well I have this guy friend but it is not the same anymore so basically I have no friends. I HAVE NO FAMILY. After what these people put me through growing up, I would rather say I have no family even though they are alive and well. I do not go over to their house. I stay away because they laugh at me and tell me I am crazy. And what is so crazy is that if I am crazy, it's because those *******s put me that way. My father always told me that I would never mount to anything and that no man would ever marry me. My mother always called me a b**ch and they always laugh at me and well its pretty depressing so I don't want to keep talking about that cause i could feel the tears coming down right now.

So anyway and because I hate going out for these reasons above,
I HARDLY WORK. I am always calling in the night before to say I am not available for work. Fortunately the kind of job I have is an on-call job where I can work whenever I want otherwise I would have been fired by now. I fear going to work and whenever I am around people I panic and get scared. And it seems like I care what people think too which I don't like. I alos become very weak in my own home to the point where I can't even do house work.
I don't know if its the depression draining my energy or what but I know that I don't have the get up and go in my own house. I am always just sitting down and watching tv.

Also I pick my hair alot. Half of my hair is bald from picking it out.
Also, one minute I am alright and the next minute I am severely depressed to the point I want to die. I mean the depression hits so hard and I feel so hopeless and that everybody is out to get me that I PRAY FOR DEATH.
Then the next minute maybe tomorrow I will be ok probably again but for how long.

Also, right now i have pelvic pains in my abdomen I don't know what from and I have a small cyst on my ovary plus I have severy pains on my right side I think where the liver is and I don't really even want to go to the doctor. then I have pains in my left breast. Anyway I have been to the cardiologist and has had stress tests and thallium stress test which I failed. I am only
34 years old woman.

In anycase I'm like whats the sense to go to the doctor Cause I'm like what's the sense of living. Might as well just die. If I die the world would be happy anyway that they finally got rid of me. Let the sickness kill me. Whatever it is. Anyway this is basically what is going on with my life. I want to get plastic surgery to help me improve my self esteem but the way things are going, I hope that I can make it in time to get it.

Anyway please guys tell me what you think I may have and tell me what do you think I should do. Also please if anyone of you guys are experiencing anything very similar to what I have written please do share. I want to connect with someone who is going through similar what I am going through. If you are not going through what I am going through but you know someone that is, please do tell me and tell me. Ok guys I await your answers. Thanks