Hedgehog No 1

Let me start by saying, that at this point, I don't know what I'm going to say. I might just try and get out of my system what is inside and see if it helps. I initially want some feedbak from others because maybe there is a connection with parents and this illness - and I don't mean on a genetic level.

I need to quantify things a little so there is a better degree of understanding of my personal position, so please stick with me.

My mother - unloving, distant, rejecting. Suffered badly whilst 'carrying' me as a baby (relevent?) Suffered post-natal depression after my birth (relevent?) Throughout my teenage years would deliberatly get me into trouble with my father. She would claim I had said and done things that were false(why?) This was litterally a daily occurance. She shows NO interest at all concerning her ONLY grandchildren (she even refused to be called grandma early on).

My father - violent, aggressive, control freak, hyper-competative. Would frequently beat me with little or no provocation. Mostly following comments from my mother. I can sum up his lifelong behavoir in a single incident. When I was 16, I fell of my push bike* and broke my right forearm in two places. I admit I was trying to pull 'wheelies' at the time but I don't consider that the punishment fits (the alleged) severity of the 'crime'. I had returned from the Emergency Room with a pot** on. I was sitting in the front room in a (realistically sinificant) degree of pain - my memory was that I could still feel the warmth from the freshness of the application of the pot.*** As my father arrived home, my mother explained what I had done and he immediately 'laid into me'**** SO MUCH. I wet myself. I rememder clearly, trying to keep my broken arm stuck out to the side of me so he didn't hit it and cause me even more pain.

TRANSLATION MODE -
*Push bike = bicycle.
Bike = motorbike = motorcycle.
**Plaster cast.
*** Any one who has had one fitted will understand the warmth reference.
****Expression - without restraint in a fight.

There always was a HUGE degree of favoritism for my elder sister. There still is. Personally I don't care anymore about her. OR how my parents treat her in relation to me - as I see it, their relationship has nothing to do with me.

I NEVER recieved ANY degree of recognition for my numerous achievements throughout my life. MY sporting achievements are a small book in it's own rite. Then consider the fact that I am ex - Special Forces. He refuses to even ADMIT that I was even IN the Armed Forces. He actuallt tells people (Carol included) it's a false memory - whatever that is???

When my son was four he had a race with him and didn't even let him win. Now, that on it's own might not sound to bad, but... after my son got upset, my father told him(remember he was four) If he was going to beat him it would be 'fair and square'. Since my son grew(now 8) he can run like 'greased weasel 5417' as such my father REFUSES to have a race with him.

Heres a good one -

NOTE TO MODERATOR -
I will use first names ONLY - it is VERY relevent.
I will NOT use any SURNAMES - as per the rules.
If this is NOT acceptible I appologise - delete this paragraph - thank you.

My mother was named Mary Elizabeth Maureen ... - she chose to call her self Maureen.
My father was named - Kenneth Harry ... - he chose to be called Ken.
My sister was named - Teresa Dawn ... - she chose to be called Dawn.
I was named - Malcolm Kenneth ... - I have called myself Mal - for more than 30 years. * My parents INSIST on calling me by my full name. Even though they know I HATE it and I have spent 30 years telling them to change. Yesterday my father told me "I had to earn the rite to be called Mal"

* My hatred of the full use of the name comes from an advert in the early seventies in this country that led to a stereotyping of the name.

I was NEVER allowed ANY degree of respect or privacy when I was a child or even a teenager. For a few examples. I was never allowed to re-arrange the furniture in my bedroom or even put up on the walls, posters of people I liked (Debbie Harry). Also, I NEVER got any mail for me that was unopened. There was always an excuse like this...

"I saw the M'' in the title and thought it was for me" - mother
"I saw the 'K' and thought it was for your father" - mother
"I saw the 'MR' and thought it was for me" - father

My parents used phrases like -

"If your face wants to smile, let it - if it doesn't, make it". Oh Yeh, really helpfull.

I went through a phase of answering honestly when they asked me how I was feeling - after I answered, my father would always answer "Yeh, me too" just so he wasn't lef out of anything.

Yesterday my father told me his best yet -

"you have had your fun with this illness nonsense. It is now time to get a grip on yourself".

Now I know that my problems are 'mild' compared to some, even here on this site. I understand that there are WORSE things that can happen and I will NOT mention some of the people here who I call friends who have experienced such problems. BUT, this is MY attemt to deal with MY problem by asking for YOUR help/advice/suggestions.

Having just re-read this it has made me feel a little better.

Now that is just the START of how I feel about them.
I won't mention my first wife.
I won't mention my second wife - this mainframe isn't big enough!!!

Is it ANY SURPRISE that I see a Psy Doc!!!!!

Hedge.

I'm off for a cup of tea...