Hey Deanne, thanks for the concern.
I have been ok, still kind of up and down. My feelings for her and my love for her certainly have not changed.
I would give anything in the world to have her back the way she was, even to just be able to talk to her right now. The last I heard from her was two weeks ago when I tried texting her one night, actually the night after I left the letter on her front door. She actually responded right away, just saying hello etc.. we text back and forth about 3 times but to be honest it still wasnt her at all
. Even alot of the words she used were just weird, things she never says or words she just doesnt use but it was still good to hear from her. I am guessing that in some way my letter must have gotten through to her, even in a tiny way for her to respond to me so quickly. I have tried since then to contact her a few times but with no results so far. I have not given up on the Friends and Family meetings yet, they definitely seem to help me, even when i give up hope I regain it enough to attend and they do help. Actually last week, one member in the group had a manic episode right in front of us, I felt bad as he was doing so well and such a good person. Too much built up with his wife and a pending divorce, her treating him badly etc... he just lost it, started shaking and all he could think about was killing himself and this guy who was staying with his wife. So we all supported him and walked with him down the hall as he admitted himself. Quite an experience to see that but greatful he took the right step to help himself.
No one can say how long she will be like this, or if it will ever change. Sure I would like to think she will come down from this and atleast talk to me again but its so 50/50. I dont care about meeting others right now, and feel better off alone with my memories I have of her for the time being. I did however finally do a few things for myself for once. Last Friday I got a tattoo I have been wanting for about a year, went to the concert of one of my favorite bands the next night, then saw my favorite comedian (dane cook) two nights later. It felt so good to do those things, to be honest though haha, those are all things her and i shared deeply so it was a little tough being there without her but I had her in my mind the whole time and enjoyed those things for her so to speak. Maybe someday I can tell her about it if she talks to me again.