I have been dating my boyfriend for the past year. About every 2 -3 weeks he goes into a low period where he doesn't think he can handle our relationship. We go from seeing each other everyday and talking everyday, to almost nothing. He will still call or e-mail, but it is very short and distant. Then when he comes out of his low, he is apologetic for how he has acted and tells me he loves me more than anything and wants to make this work. I have been very patient and understanding, but it is getting to the point where it is really draining me emotionally. Below is an example of one of his last e-mails he sent me. This is after we had just spend 2 weeks straight being togehter everyday.....by his choice.
I haven't always had anxiety over things. I just always do things and get involved in things that create it. Like right now, I feel like I am in this situation for all the wrong reasons at times. I feel like Im doing this because everyone else thinks it's "ok".
I can't do the, stay at your house, every night anymore. All it does is make me want to get away later on.
I would really appreciate any advice on how to deal with him during theses times because it is really started to effect me emotionally!
I just got done reading your post. ~ No my bf is not being treated for bp right now. Last month he went to a therapist for the first time because I finally talked to him about all of his ups and downs and told him that I thought he was bi-polar. Funny thing is that one of his ex-girlfriends told him the same thing and that eventually led to their break-up. He had another appointment scheduled and it was cancelled because his therapist had the flu. He did re-schedule, but told me yesterday he has to cancel because of a conflict with something. I asked him if he was going to re-schedule. He said I dont know.....I didn't like going and didn't feel comfortable....which basically told me that he wasn't going to re-schedule. He did admit to me last month when he was inbetween cycling that he didn't want to live like this anymore. He realized that he was always the one with the problem in any relationship. However, now that he is cycling again, he is back to denial and that it is everyone elses fault.
I do realize that unless he decides to make a commitment of getting help and getting on meds. that I will always be on this rollercoaster, but the thought of walking away is heartbreaking. He really is a great guy with a big heart and I know that he truly loves me. I also really love him but I also realize I can't spend the rest of my life like this unless he decides to help himself.
Thank-you so much for you reply!! It does help talking to someone that understands!!!
I will agree with mud it is hard but on meds it is a littal easyer but still hard.It takes a very strong person to deal with one of us .know you said that he just started theapy but not going so well. it is a start he sounds like he's trying to actnowlege that he needs help but he doesn't want to belive that it's him it really is not but we do need help with bp it will just get worse. i'm bp with sizures mood disorder and 6 months pregnet .the things your boy friend is saying feels real at the time but its not him .i have said the same to my boyfriend but i don't mean it somtimes we think that the one we love needs more than us .so we push away because of lows not feeling good enough at the time . i am un medicated for bp right now and it is a ride i don't want to be on but for the baby i will. if you can see it for bp and not him it mit help .he does need help but you can only do so much .be strong and let it roll off you .it takes alot to love someone with bp .i can promis that you won't get bord .that's just my thoghts .hope it helps. much love to ya.
I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to wish you the best of luck! Very tough situation, but I am the bp in my relationship so I have a tough time either following or giving advice. Hang in there and I hope it gets better.
I am sorry to hear that you are going through this. It sounds exactly like what I was/am going through with my currently ex-boyfriend (who just started contacting me again). His cycles are about 6 - 8weeks long. We have a great relationship when he is his normal self, and then he begins to think "he doesn't love me as much as he should," or that I could do better and deserve more. We broke up about a month ago and now he is sorry, again. I don't know if I can do it anymore. It is SO emotionally draining and I have so many other things going on with my family that I am not sure I have the strength. I do really care for him because I know what a great person he is and we normally get along so well, I just really don't know if I can take it anymore. Oh, and by the way, he is not on his medication anymore b/c he doesn't think he needs it.
Well, you are not alone in this. Hang in there if you can.
I hope it all works out for the best.
Sorry to hear that your having a difficult time in your relationship. My husband is bipolar. He started really showing symptoms about 8 years ago. It has been an up and down ride ever since. There is no quick fix for this disease unfortunately. It is emotionally draining for me at times, like this week. My husband saw his name on a document that his boss was typing and now he is convinced that he is getting fired. He has been really down and seems really hateful to me this week. I am able to look past this now but it wasn't that way at first. I used to take things so personal but I know that it is just his disease and not me...most of the time
My husband was in denial and off and on medications for years. He has been on meds now constantly for about 4 years but we still can't find the right ones. 4 years ago I basically told him that if he wanted me, then he really needed to try and stabilize. I hate ultimatums but for the sake of my marriage I had no choice. Thankfully he listened and things have been much better, though still hard.
My only advice to you is that if you are really serious about this guy, you need to help him understand that he shouldn't be ashamed to get help.
If he doesn't want help then you need to decide if this is something you will be able to handle. It is really tough when the person you love won't get help and you're left to ride the seesaw.
Let us know how you're doing from time to time
I too sympathize with your situation. I was married to a man who was bipolar for ten years. We had three children. It was a wild rollercoater ride that I would not want to repeat. (I'm sure I was no gem because I too am bipolar). Anyway, he refused to stay on meds because he thought they affected his creativity. I made the difficult decision to divorce him even though I still loved him because it was very hard on the children. You still have time to assess whether you want to continue in your relationship. It is not easy to be with an unmedicated bipolar person as you know and you must do what's best for YOU.
FYI, now my former husband is religious about taking his meds as am I. We are able to be good friends even though we both are married to others.
God bless you and lead you to the best choice for your wellbeing.
Thanks for sharing your story and for the advice. It really does help (so much) to hear other peoples experiences. I feel like I am reading about my own relationship when I read some replys because they are so similiar. My boyfriend and I have come close to breaking up many times, but have never been able to folow through with it. It is always when he is depressed and feels different about me and our relationship and he is always sorry afterwords too. But just the other day, he did tell me that he really does try to fight those feelings because he knows that is not how he really feels ~ so we are making progress. But your right it is extremely draining emotionally and there are many times that I don't know if I can do it anymore. The biggest problem is that I do love him dearly and I know he really loves me. When I think about walking away, it tears me apart!! Thanks again for your reply!! Best of luck to you too!!
Thanks for your reply Nodi!! ~ I was glad to hear that you are able to look past the times when he changes emotionally! I still have a very hard time with that. I know that he loves me and that he can't help feeling that way...it is the disease talking! But so far it doesn't make it any easier! It truly does help to talk to people that have been through it. It helps me to realize that it is truly the bi-polar talking and not my bf! ~ Any advice on how I can deal with the down periods when his emotions change?? What is the best thing I can do to help him through that time??
Wow, I wish I had some advice for the down periods of a non-medicated bp b/c I would take the advice myself. My ex- b/f is still emailing me and we are trying to work things out to at least continue a friendship. I do love him, but that is all I can handle right now. It is so sad and hard. I too am grateful to hear other people share their experiences because it has truly helped me to understand so much more. If I didn't know what I do now, I wouldn't even be talking to him at all and would have just thought he was wierd or something. My efforts are currently to try to convice him subtly that he needs to get back on his meds. I hope I can.
Your BF needs to keep his appt. with the Dr. or therapist. Being Bi-Polar is hard enough but being on NO Meds is even harder. You cannot rationalize with him as My huband would tell you. It is difficult when someone thinks they are OK and you KNOW they are not. I have told my husband on several occasions that it was HIM.....NOT me!!!!!! It is nuts. He needs to get some meds and then you might see a difference in him, the lows of this disorder can be devastating......Good Luck........
I have seen many things BUT the most terrible thing I have ever seen was the lack of compassion for another.....................Kahlia
Thank-you both for your advice! ~ I know you are both right about him needy to be on meds. ~ My head tells me that if he doesn't get help and get on meds that I need to end our relationship until he does, but my heart can't let go!! The times we have together when he is in a "normal" state are so wonderful that I deal with his down times. The hardest part is that I know he can't help acting the way he does....he even tells me that he fights his negative feelings during his lows because he knows that those feelings arn't real...but he still can't help it.
Thanks again for all your support. It means a lot to have people out there that care to talk to!!
When my husband has down times, I just have to let him have his space. I used to be confrontational when I didn't understand him as well, but this just would spin him up. It is hard but I basically have to bite my tongue (surprised it still functions) and wait for him to feel better. Sometimes this takes days, and sometimes hours. We have essentially been on the brink of him being so disgusted with me so many times that I was sure our marriage was over. But, the next day he apologizes and can't believe how he was acting.
One of the hardest things I have experienced is that even though I am able to cope with his down times, the outside world isn't. He has alienated most of our friends at one point or another because he has said things really rude to them. Or done things like block the driveway, if they are parked in it because it is HIS driveway...Geez. Some of them are still friends with me and not him, it is hard. I have my Mom to talk to about things and a few friends but it really is a lonely road.
I'm sure not everyone feels that way, but at times it is hard to feel otherwise.
I wish you luck and hope that he loves you as much as you love him.
Here is the deal love, BP is awful (I know personally), you are all over the place with your thoughts, decisions, companions...it's crazy making! Now with this in mind, nowhere does it say that just cause someone is sick means that it is okay to treat people badly! And nowhere does it say that if you left to find a man who you could engage with equally, you would be a coldhearted man eater! You have every right to be in love, and that same right says you can pick and choose, it sounds like you're on the path to seeing that! He needs to get his priorites strait, if he loves you really ( and I know this is a sad thing cause it kinda hurts) then he would have gone to the doctor the minute this started to happen. He needs a women who he can walk on, who is so desperate to be inlove that she'll settle, are you that women? Try reading this book for help, He's just not that into you by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo. Life Savor for chicks!!! Good luck!
__________________ forgetI]~Don't forget to live!~[/I]
Thanks for some insight on how to deal with his down times. It is definately rough at times. It is getting a little easier because we have been able to talk some about how he feels during these times and that what he says isn't how he really feels. He is also very sorry after as well. One of the biggest reasons I am still in this relationship is because there is no doubt in my mind how much he cares for and loves me. I wouldn't still be in this relationship if I wasn't 100% sure of that, but there are still many times when it is all so overwhelming. Right now my bf is in a stable state, but I keep waiting for the bottom to fall out.....that's that hard part, not knowing when it is going to happen. For now, I will just enjoy how good our relationship is right now. I am definatley going to try your advice when he does go into his next down time. I think letting him know I am here for him and love him, but other than that leaving him alone is probably exactly what he needs. You have been a big help and source of comfort!