I know I need medication. A very frustrating fact. In fact, never can figure out why I ever manage to get myself off of it and into messes over and over again. Makes sense at the time, I guess.
Anyway, it has been since December when I last took meds messed up my job I had after quitting them. It's been way too wild a ride since then. Friends of mine helped me go to a place last night that has lined me up for services again. That should be good news, right? Then why am I so scared? I have an appointment on Thursday morning with an arnp. Having a hard time feeling positive about this.
They told me last night that one of the meds I was on before can't be prescribed for me, as it is a benzo (klonopin). I don't know about the other med I had, Lamictal. It was actually helping, but made me itch and my vision blurry. The only other thing in quite a list that ever helped was Topamax, but I had horrible word blank-outs with that. Sometimes I couldn't even finish sentences or tell someone my address.
I'm scared that she is going to want me to try something new. Been through that too many times, it seems. Then you have to keep changing the dosage for a while to decide if it will help. I am a horrible self-reporter, as well, and feel like I'm just guessing at whether the med is helping or not.
Another fear is that they're going to talk to me and say that I am just too wacked out and try to hospitalize me. I haven't had to do that since '97, and don't want to add another one to the list. I feel like I have so little control over things in there. That is terrifying for the ocd side of me. Plus my dietary needs are weird, and there is little that can be done about that.
Just don't know why I resist the med thing when it is something that I really need. I hate thinking that this is something that is going to be there for the rest of my life.
Thanks for listening. This sounds really sad, but these boards are the only thing I have, aside from my shrink I see every three weeks or so. I just love the guy, but there is only so much he can do.
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
Posts: 447
Re: medication ambivilance . . .
Hi. I'm new to the group. One of the hardest things is accepting that you have this disease. It's only been a thirteen months since I was diagnosed, although I'm sure I've been sick for several years. I couldnt keep a job. Or make decisions, or stay focused on anything. It's pretty scary. And just popping a pill doesn't just fix it either. I have been on so many different meds. And even if you find one that works, it might not work 6 months from now. It sounds like you have support from your friends, and that helps. I have alienated most of my old friends with my irratic "manic" behavior. Oh, do I have stories!! The depression is the hardest, when you just feel like you have to cry, and have no energy at all. Just try and stay on top of things, and learn the warning signals that you are about to go into an "episode". You like your shrink, and that's really important. Just take the meds, and pray, and you will get through it. We all do. Good luck!!
Hi Loopy ! Good luck at your dr. visit. I know it is hard to trust any dr. I never do, I start out ok then I doubt everything they say and quit my meds. I am seeing a new dr today and I am so determined to try to follow whatever he says, because I am so sick of living like this. Please try and get some relief. I suggest you try, try again, right? That is all we can do. Good luck! I hope you will keep us posted. Love, Lori
Do you have a SINGLE person with whom you have regular (at least daily) contact with...?
If you do get them to make an observation of you and your moods. If they can't/won't/don't want to visit the Doc with you, get them to write down how THEY think you have been.
This becomes 'a point of reference'.
Present this information to the Doc.
OR write down yourself, a couple of times a day, how you feel.
Present this information to the Doc.
FINDING THE RIGHT MEDS - it's a nightmare in itself, but stick with it.
Another fear is that they're going to talk to me and say that I am just too wacked out and try to hospitalize me.
Loopy, from your post you sound quite rational so I don't think you have to fear being hospitalized if you don't want to go that route.
Hedge's suggestion to log your moods is a very good one. If writing it down seems like too much to commit to, devise a number scale and note the appropriate number on a calender each day. I once did this using a scale of 0 being neutral; -1 being slightly depressed, -2 moderately depressed, -3 being severely depressed; on the positive side: +3 being euphoric, etc. You get the picture.
Good luck with your appointment. We'll be thinking about you!
I'm feeling a little more positive about this after my appointment today. I guess in a way I'm a bit jaded from experiences with the "mental health agency from hell" that I had to deal with where I used to live. New place, new time, new people, new experience -- right?
I agree I really need to do the mood chart thing. It is a difficult thing for me, as the ocd in me believes it has to be absolutely "right, and perfect". I end up throwing them away more than not because I think I did them wrong. Still, the best option as unfortunately I am too much of a social recluse to have any consistent daily contact with any other human being.
I agree that finding the right meds can be horrendous and scary. I have been on Lamictal, which did nothing, seroquel, which I still take and it helps the paranoia and neurontin-a new drug that my psych just put me on. I feel really stable for the first time in a long time. I agree also that writing down how you feel can make all the difference in the world. It is an outlet if nothing else. I keep a journal and on "bad" days, I read the "good" days I have had. I wish you lots of luck in your search for a new med to help and you are rational......I don't think you need to be in the hospital. If you find a journal too overwhelming, just write down good day, bad day. It really does help........Blessings......Kahlia
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I have seen many things BUT the most terrible thing I have ever seen was the lack of compassion for another.....................Kahlia
Thanks for the encouragement. Glad that I sound rational. Don't feel it sometimes, but you're the second person to say that, so I'll go with it. Lol.
I guess I fear that I'll talk to someone that is sorta "new" and freaks out at the mention of the word "suicidal" or me even admitting that my thoughts head that way and missing the rationality that you mention.
Seroquel . . .funny how everyone responds differently. It made me more paranoid and psychotic than I was before I took it. Memories of stalking the house all night sure that there was an electrical fire someplace that was going to burn the house down.
Thanks for the encouragement. Glad that I sound rational. Don't feel it sometimes, but you're the second person to say that, so I'll go with it. Lol.
I guess I fear that I'll talk to someone that is sorta "new" and freaks out at the mention of the word "suicidal" or me even admitting that my thoughts head that way and missing the rationality that you mention.
Seroquel . . .funny how everyone responds differently. It made me more paranoid and psychotic than I was before I took it. Memories of stalking the house all night sure that there was an electrical fire someplace that was going to burn the house down.
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I have seen many things BUT the most terrible thing I have ever seen was the lack of compassion for another.....................Kahlia
IF I Do not take Seroquel, I look at all the windows, doors etc. to make sure that noone can come in and kill me....COOL, HUH??????
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I have seen many things BUT the most terrible thing I have ever seen was the lack of compassion for another.....................Kahlia
Loopy,
I have constant fear of telling my psych, whom I've been seeing for a while some of the thoughts that fly in and out of my head, but I am starting to realize that they hear this stuff all the time and they(well mine at least) are pretty good at figuring out when we are "rational" or not no matter what we tell them. I found that out when I had to tell my psych yesterday that I was suicidal all weekend. He took it all in stride and Im sure yours will too. Good luck
~Jen
I saw the arnp yesterday. She was pretty nice. Put me back on Lamictal and a low dose of Zyprexa. Scares me a little that she is starting me off on the Lamictal so quickly. She said to take 25mg last night and tonight, and then go right up to 50mg. I'd feel better starting off at 12.5, even. Not sure what I should do about that.
I told her that I had taken Zyprexa before, but couldn't remember what my experience with it had been. (Guess it's time to start a med diary along with that mood log) Wasn't till I talked to a friend later that night that I remembered what it does to my appetite. When I was on it before I ate a 2lb bag of baby carrots in one sitting. (I was trying to eat healthy stuff)
I took the zyprexa, anyway along with the lamictal last night. Figured I could use the sleep. (4 hours a night has been a high average for me) I was completely knocked out! I've been in a fog all day. Also I have had a headache constantly. Don't know how to describe it. It feels a lot like what I used to call a Topamax headache that I used to get when I forgot to take my Topamax. I feel pretty terrible.
I guess the only thing to do is ride it out for a while and hope it doesn't take long for my crazy mind to get used to having the meds floating around. I think it is a good thing I'm not working right now. Wouldn't function too well.
I'm thinking about asking her to change the zyprexa to geodon when I go back in 2 weeks. I think that I did better on that, but can't really be sure.
Anyway . . . that's how things are in Loopyland.
--Loopy
Oh, yeah. On the suicidal topic. I just had to promise her that I would call the suicide hotline if I needed to.
I hope that you meant that promise! I really hope the combo of meds work and that you give them a chance. I am so far so good on mine. Did you like the lady? I hope she is someone you can trust! Lets keep the faith!! Love, Lori
Did you like the lady? I hope she is someone you can trust!
She is nice, I guess. I only will see her a couple of times until I am in another program. Don't know who I'll see then. I am just going to this place in the interim until I can get processed into the other place. Dance along to the tune of the system, I guess.
One good thing is that if I am going to respond to a med, I usually respond quickly. And that is holding true for the Lamictal. My swings are becoming less extreme, and the constant depressive undertone is waning a bit. Some of the highs are becoming less dysphoric and more fun . Not really a good thing, that, as it makes me want to forget the meds again, as well as take on three jobs and spend as if I had four.
I am not taking the Zyprexa. I just can't stand it. Part of the zombification would ease away in time, but I would be the size of a manatee in two weeks. I've worked really hard to lose weight this past year, and still have a way to go. Part of why I was motivated on the weight issue is because I have two diabetic parents and tendencies in that direction. I also read that Zyprexa can edge some people into diabetes. I don't need that.
I really can't afford to pay for all of the food I'd eat on it, anyway. I'm already putting on some chub by eating the cheap foods.
I am also going a little slower than she said to on the Lamictal. By the time I see her I'll be up to the dose she wanted, though.
If this were a normal situation, I would call her and talk to her about this. Unfortunately, I can't just do that. There are at least three arnp's that serve at this place, and you just have to call and ask for whoever is there. I'm pretty sure they would just say to deal with the side effects until my next appointment.
Hey Loopy! Glad you are getting a response. I can't tell whats going on with my lamictal response. I just got a cold or something a couple days ago. I am so lazy and tired and headachy that I'm not sure if its the cold or the meds. I am trying to be patient. I have gained weight over the past week and I can't stand myself but I am too lazy to jack up my workouts. My stomach is screwed up too so I am not sure how much I am retaining. I just don't feel like my usual self. Sorry to go on and on. When do you go back to her? BTW, I would LOVE to see some of these people "deal with it" were the tables turned. Take care of yourself! Love, Lori
Sorry to hear you aren't well. Hang in there . . .
I see the first arnp not this Thurs, but the next. I actually have an appointment at the other place the Monday prior to that, but I think that's just an intake interview.
! Good luck at your dr. visit. I know it is hard to trust any dr. I never do, I start out ok then I doubt everything they say and quit my meds. I am seeing a new dr today and I am so determined to try to follow whatever he says, because I am so sick of living like this. Please try and get some relief. I suggest you try, try again, right? That is all we can do. Good luck! I hope you will keep us posted. Love, Lori
Re: medication ambivilance . . . 
. Not really a good thing, that, as it makes me want to forget the meds again, as well as take on three jobs and spend as if I had four. 
