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Old 03-04-2005, 10:51 AM   #1
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Thoughts HB User
Living with Bipolar BF, so confusing

I've been living with my boyfriend for approximately 8 months. He told me when we started dating that he had been diagnosed as bipolar when he was younger. We're both in our early 30's. He doesn't believe in medication, or doctors. He's never been violent in anyway that I have been witness to, but he has told me many stories of extreme violence in his 'younger' day's. He's had numerous relationships over the years, more than i think is "normal". He's very intelligent, and can be very sarcastic. But I've been more impressed with his kindness, understanding and compassion, than his 'negative' traits. I'm divorced and haven't had many relationships in my life.

I think he's going through a depressive/manic (?) cycle again. He's talking about the voices in his head more and more. He's seeing things that aren't happening. He's not sleeping much, if at all. He's distant, evasive in his speech, and obviously unhappy. For almost a month, things were great, better than great. Then about 2-3 weeks ago, sudden shut down on his part. It hit me out of the blue. He was fine, then everything blew up! He was obviously upset about us, but I didn't understand why. Didn't know what I had done to upset him. He came home, wouldn't say anything, sat and stared at the wall. I asked what was wrong, and first he say's "nothing's wrong". Obviously there is, so I ask if I did something, what happened. Finally he goes into this rant about how, because I didn't have sex with him on valentines day I have destroyed his 'trust' in our relationship. I had explained that I was (this is much too personal)... I had explained why I wasn't comfortable with sex at the time, and offered alternative solutions for his enjoyment that we could both partake in. He had said no, cuddling was just as good. So this hit me out of the blue. Suddenly he's ****** we didn't have intercourse to "consummate" the great Valentines day. He told me he wanted to leave, but he was "fighting" the urge. He wasn't angry at me, just the situation. etc. etc.

Two weeks later, we're still arguing about.... I'm lost on what we're arguing about. Slightly different variation of the theme that I don't love him because I don't do this or that for him. That he does all these things for me, and what have I done for him that would equal these things. I'm crying all the time, I'm depressed, I feel inadequate. I almost told him this morning that if I make him so unhappy then he needs to find someone else, cause it's not making me happy going through this. I believe in him though. If these cycles weren't so dependable in timing and duration, I would say he's insane sometimes. I dread the crashes. Dread them.

What's aggitating me the most is that I don't know for sure whether it's the bipolar that is causing so much distress in our relationship, or if I am truely not right for him and he's just to stubborn to admitt it and move on. Today's argument (bright and early at 5am): Started with him going off about his brother, and feeling taken advantage of, until it became a very broad statement of everyone takes advantage of him. So I asked him if he felt that I was taking advantage of him, because that's what it sounded like he was saying. (It seemed like a bait and hook tactic) He basically say's yes, but it's because I really don't love him, or I wouldn't act the way I act... something about T-shirts in the mall, and my always saying I'll give him something he wants, but never following through with it.

I think I've gone out of my way to prove my love to him. I'm usually very patient and understanding. I believe in the us that exists when I'm not competing against the voices in his head. Maybe I'm not right for him. I love him very much, but God, I am so confused!!! I'm on a rollercoaster with no lap guard. Does anyone have any advice, help, anything.

Thank you for reading this, and hopefully responding.

 
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Old 03-04-2005, 01:24 PM   #2
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Kahlia25 HB User
Question Re: Living with Bipolar BF, so confusing

Living with a Bi-Polar person can be very frustrating if they are not taking meds. They can become delusional, thin king that everyone is out to get them, they become irritable. Unless your BF is willing to see a DR. I would talk to him about your concerns and NOT have a relationship with a person who is not WILLING to help himself. He may be at a point whre he thin ks and truly believes he does NOT need any help. If that is the case, there is nothing you can do. His outbursts, which I have had plenty of, when I was on NO medication, are not really directed at you. He is ill and needs help. I hope he will decide to get that help and get on something that will stabilze his moods. If he will not, I would think about ending the relationship. When I was on NO meds, I could Not have a relationship with anyone.......I was irritable, sarcastic and thought that everyone was thinking they were better than I was. I was Manic......it was a very rough time for everyone who was trying to help me because I didn't think I had a problem. We are ill. That is just the bottom line and we need help. I wish you the best and hope I have helped answer some of your questions...... Kahlia
__________________
I have seen many things BUT the most terrible thing I have ever seen was the lack of compassion for another.....................Kahlia

Last edited by Kahlia25; 03-04-2005 at 01:26 PM.

 
Old 03-04-2005, 03:18 PM   #3
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goofyafter2 HB User
Re: Living with Bipolar BF, so confusing

I have to agree with Kahlia on the denial thing. I had more people telling me things weren't right when it all made perfect sense to me. I wish you luck and I hope you 2 can come to some kind of peace with each other. Let us know what happens. hugs, Lori

 
Old 03-07-2005, 06:59 PM   #4
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123wanttoknow HB User
Re: Living with Bipolar BF, so confusing

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoughts
I've been living with my boyfriend for approximately 8 months. He told me when we started dating that he had been diagnosed as bipolar when he was younger. We're both in our early 30's. He doesn't believe in medication, or doctors. He's never been violent in anyway that I have been witness to, but he has told me many stories of extreme violence in his 'younger' day's. He's had numerous relationships over the years, more than i think is "normal". He's very intelligent, and can be very sarcastic. But I've been more impressed with his kindness, understanding and compassion, than his 'negative' traits. I'm divorced and haven't had many relationships in my life.

I think he's going through a depressive/manic (?) cycle again. He's talking about the voices in his head more and more. He's seeing things that aren't happening. He's not sleeping much, if at all. He's distant, evasive in his speech, and obviously unhappy. For almost a month, things were great, better than great. Then about 2-3 weeks ago, sudden shut down on his part. It hit me out of the blue. He was fine, then everything blew up! He was obviously upset about us, but I didn't understand why. Didn't know what I had done to upset him. He came home, wouldn't say anything, sat and stared at the wall. I asked what was wrong, and first he say's "nothing's wrong". Obviously there is, so I ask if I did something, what happened. Finally he goes into this rant about how, because I didn't have sex with him on valentines day I have destroyed his 'trust' in our relationship. I had explained that I was (this is much too personal)... I had explained why I wasn't comfortable with sex at the time, and offered alternative solutions for his enjoyment that we could both partake in. He had said no, cuddling was just as good. So this hit me out of the blue. Suddenly he's ****** we didn't have intercourse to "consummate" the great Valentines day. He told me he wanted to leave, but he was "fighting" the urge. He wasn't angry at me, just the situation. etc. etc.

Two weeks later, we're still arguing about.... I'm lost on what we're arguing about. Slightly different variation of the theme that I don't love him because I don't do this or that for him. That he does all these things for me, and what have I done for him that would equal these things. I'm crying all the time, I'm depressed, I feel inadequate. I almost told him this morning that if I make him so unhappy then he needs to find someone else, cause it's not making me happy going through this. I believe in him though. If these cycles weren't so dependable in timing and duration, I would say he's insane sometimes. I dread the crashes. Dread them.

What's aggitating me the most is that I don't know for sure whether it's the bipolar that is causing so much distress in our relationship, or if I am truely not right for him and he's just to stubborn to admitt it and move on. Today's argument (bright and early at 5am): Started with him going off about his brother, and feeling taken advantage of, until it became a very broad statement of everyone takes advantage of him. So I asked him if he felt that I was taking advantage of him, because that's what it sounded like he was saying. (It seemed like a bait and hook tactic) He basically say's yes, but it's because I really don't love him, or I wouldn't act the way I act... something about T-shirts in the mall, and my always saying I'll give him something he wants, but never following through with it.

I think I've gone out of my way to prove my love to him. I'm usually very patient and understanding. I believe in the us that exists when I'm not competing against the voices in his head. Maybe I'm not right for him. I love him very much, but God, I am so confused!!! I'm on a rollercoaster with no lap guard. Does anyone have any advice, help, anything.

Thank you for reading this, and hopefully responding.

 
Old 03-07-2005, 07:03 PM   #5
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123wanttoknow HB User
Re: Living with Bipolar BF, so confusing

Voices and hallucinations are usually more than bipolar. Is he using drugs? If not he may be scitsofrenic.{spelling?} Any way I bwould encourage him to find a good doctor for an accurate diagnosis and get medical help. For you, keep talking and try to find a support group for spouses of ill partners, and stay clear of any violance mental or physical.

 
Old 03-07-2005, 07:05 PM   #6
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123wanttoknow HB User
Re: Living with Bipolar BF, so confusing

Quote:
Originally Posted by Thoughts
I've been living with my boyfriend for approximately 8 months. He told me when we started dating that he had been diagnosed as bipolar when he was younger. We're both in our early 30's. He doesn't believe in medication, or doctors. He's never been violent in anyway that I have been witness to, but he has told me many stories of extreme violence in his 'younger' day's. He's had numerous relationships over the years, more than i think is "normal". He's very intelligent, and can be very sarcastic. But I've been more impressed with his kindness, understanding and compassion, than his 'negative' traits. I'm divorced and haven't had many relationships in my life.

I think he's going through a depressive/manic (?) cycle again. He's talking about the voices in his head more and more. He's seeing things that aren't happening. He's not sleeping much, if at all. He's distant, evasive in his speech, and obviously unhappy. For almost a month, things were great, better than great. Then about 2-3 weeks ago, sudden shut down on his part. It hit me out of the blue. He was fine, then everything blew up! He was obviously upset about us, but I didn't understand why. Didn't know what I had done to upset him. He came home, wouldn't say anything, sat and stared at the wall. I asked what was wrong, and first he say's "nothing's wrong". Obviously there is, so I ask if I did something, what happened. Finally he goes into this rant about how, because I didn't have sex with him on valentines day I have destroyed his 'trust' in our relationship. I had explained that I was (this is much too personal)... I had explained why I wasn't comfortable with sex at the time, and offered alternative solutions for his enjoyment that we could both partake in. He had said no, cuddling was just as good. So this hit me out of the blue. Suddenly he's ****** we didn't have intercourse to "consummate" the great Valentines day. He told me he wanted to leave, but he was "fighting" the urge. He wasn't angry at me, just the situation. etc. etc.

Two weeks later, we're still arguing about.... I'm lost on what we're arguing about. Slightly different variation of the theme that I don't love him because I don't do this or that for him. That he does all these things for me, and what have I done for him that would equal these things. I'm crying all the time, I'm depressed, I feel inadequate. I almost told him this morning that if I make him so unhappy then he needs to find someone else, cause it's not making me happy going through this. I believe in him though. If these cycles weren't so dependable in timing and duration, I would say he's insane sometimes. I dread the crashes. Dread them.

What's aggitating me the most is that I don't know for sure whether it's the bipolar that is causing so much distress in our relationship, or if I am truely not right for him and he's just to stubborn to admitt it and move on. Today's argument (bright and early at 5am): Started with him going off about his brother, and feeling taken advantage of, until it became a very broad statement of everyone takes advantage of him. So I asked him if he felt that I was taking advantage of him, because that's what it sounded like he was saying. (It seemed like a bait and hook tactic) He basically say's yes, but it's because I really don't love him, or I wouldn't act the way I act... something about T-shirts in the mall, and my always saying I'll give him something he wants, but never following through with it.

I think I've gone out of my way to prove my love to him. I'm usually very patient and understanding. I believe in the us that exists when I'm not competing against the voices in his head. Maybe I'm not right for him. I love him very much, but God, I am so confused!!! I'm on a rollercoaster with no lap guard. Does anyone have any advice, help, anything.

Thank you for reading this, and hopefully responding.

 
Old 03-08-2005, 07:47 AM   #7
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
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polarized13 HB User
Re: Living with Bipolar BF, so confusing

You poor baby. I've always been the one freaking out, having the episode or breaking down. It was very hard to convince me that I was mentally ill and needed help. My mom would try and talk to me and tell me how irratic I was, and I just couldnt see it. I was sure it was everyone else. I think your boyfriend has a secondary condition, cause hearing voices isn't part of bp. If you can't get him to a doctor, you might need to remove yourself from the situation. Does he have family that you can call to help you get him to a doctor? You are in a really tough spot....Try and remember that arguing with someone who's sick like that is pointless. He's not thinking straight. Maybe schitzophrenic?? Good luck!!

 
Old 03-08-2005, 08:41 AM   #8
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Living with Bipolar BF, so confusing

123 beat me to it. Hearing voices and hallucinating are not common symptoms in Bipolar Disorder.
He may BE bipolar, but also have schizophenia for example.
I have Type I Bipolar and to be honest I would hope that NO one would be in a relationship with me unless I agreed to be treated for my disease.
Living with an untreated Bipolar is basically like living with emotional abuse.
Loving him is the least important issue in your relationship right now.
There are more important things like your well-being at stake...

 
Old 03-08-2005, 08:44 AM   #9
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Jovial206 HB User
Re: Living with Bipolar BF, so confusing

Polarized is right about not arguing. The doctors say when someone is manic, you shouldn't argue with them. They are not able to rationalize and arguing with them only escalates the situation. So yes, you are supposed to just allow yourself to be yelled at.

 
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