Please don't understand it "too well" Hedge. It is the most frustrating thing in the world to me, because I used to be right (or at least it seemed right-whatever that is). If anyone could solve this problem, it would be you. So as soon as you bottle it, I will be in line. Take care and feel better! Love, Lori
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
Re: Asking for help...(VENT)
I hear you. I have been on the phone with my insurance company and my doctors office for hours, trying to get someone to just take a minute to talk to me about my sudden rapid cycling I am experiencing with my recent med change. And I am supposed to have "superior health care"!! My husband pays about a grand a month for our health insurance. What a joke!!!
They just blow me off and say I have to wait for three weeks, no matter how messed up I am right now. So it truly doesn't matter where you fit in the social structure, (unless you're a billionaire) You are treated the same crappy way.
I can only commiserate with you. It's part of the whole stigma, ignorance and prejudice the mentally ill have to put up with. It's a bunch of bull****!!!!
Oh, now look what you did, you got me started. As it is, I had to go back and delete a couple of paragraphs in fear that I might be banned...
At least we have each other, right? AND we're not getting labotamized like in the old days.....(it could be worse!!)
Hedge my dear friend - I'm sure with you on the Why Me side of bipolar disorder.
Why did I miss out on my whole freshman year of high school?
Why did I miss out on my senior year and the whole cap & gown thing?
Why was I incapable of going to college?
Why did I make disastrous choices in relationships for years?
Why did I attempt suicide once and plan it a second time?
Why me? I'm an intelligent person who does her best to be nice, caring, warm.
I think the one area that you may want to explore is your belief that you can "fix this one".
What if it really truly is physiological?
What if the first (and hardest) thing to do is find Acceptance?
You have such abounding energy & drive & motivation. I often wonder how far that could take you if you became somewhat of an Activist for better medications, better understanding from government agencies, etc.
Kind of the John Walsh of Bipolar Disorder...
Can you at least think about considering your Bipolar Disorder as a very real physiological disability and instead of looking for The Right Answer, or The Cure, learn to deal with it in your life (just as YOU have learned to help SO MANY people here?).
It is NOT a defeatist attitude!!
Sometimes the strongest thing you can do is to accept the things you cannot change.
And to make the best out of them.
I have more faith in you than you have in yourself Hedge, and that's my understanding of my relationship with God. He has more faith in me than I have in myself!
I sympathize - as much as I can - I do! I was going to post a new thread this morning because I needed to vent but after reading what everyone has said here, I'm finding that apparently getting help, SINCERE help, is more difficult than I imagined. It's always been a battle when you're dealing with any type of medical issue. But I would think that this area in particular, individuals in the medical field would be more pro-active and, gasp, maybe even caring.
Ok-this might be long so bare with me:
My BF moved from out of state about 9 mos. before we met. When he decided to get back to counseling and get on his meds, he told me this is the part he hates - starting all over and having to dig into his past and drudge up everything. Well, after a few visits, I asked if I could go with him. It was about the same time I was really starting to learn about this illness to be better for him and for us. All the appts. prior to, his therapist would smile at me (or even greet me by name) when she came out to the waiting room to get my BF. Then, the time I went in with him, I explained to her why I was there - that I wanted to hear from her suggestions on what I could do to help as this was all new to me. For the next 45 min., all we discussed is what I was doing wrong (gee, no sh$%) and I left there really angry. I just felt like (ok, here's the sensitive side of me) she thought I was this monster who is making things worse for my BF, her patient. Silly, right? Well, after that, every time I was with him in the waiting room, she'd come out, look at me with a stone face, no smile (or not even look at me), and then bring my BF in. She has never acknowledged my presence since.
In the mean time, as I'm sure you all know, sleep can sometimes be elusive. So ambien was prescribed (my BF has a very high tolerance for meds) and he was finally getting a full night's sleep. After a few months, when his script was running low, he asked (like usual) to get another one. She told him she'd like him to try something else. He wanted to keep with what was working and she told him his insurance would not cover it any more. She gave him Trazodone (which I take and for me, the lightweight of meds, knew it was not going to work for him). AFter several days of not sleeping AT ALL, he asked again for Ambien. She refused and gave him yet another drug (I forget what it was). So here we are, nearly 10 days of him not sleeping, me thinking I"m going to have to get him to a hospital because he was a mess, I called his insurance company and find out they do cover him and they didn't understand why he was told otherwise. It took several days after to convince her to get the prescription again because she did not get back to him or call in a script. Needless to say, he started losing his faith in this woman.
Now, yesterday afernoon, he had an appt. with her. She had been on vacation for 2 weeks so this was a long anticipated one for him. He waited and waited-she never showed up and never called to say why she missed his appt.! On my way home from work, he called all upset and by the time I got home, he was shaking. He just doesn't understand why someone can be so callous.
Again, I know this was long but I have been wanting to get this off my chest about this woman who I really really don't like. I apologize for being long winded. I hope at some point we can all find some relief from these doctors!
I know I already posted a loooooong reply to this thread but I am so angry and frustrated right now. You know the therapist who blew off my BF's appt. yesterday afternoon? Well she is now not addressing his need for a new script for Ambien. While he was there yesterday, he informed the office people he was on his last dose last night and that he needed a new script called in. Well, I just hung up the phone with him and she STILL has not called it in. What is wrong with her? She knows how bad he got the last time this happened BECAUSE OF HER. He is so disgusted with her (and I can't blame him) but I am so afraid that she will turn him off completely and he will just stop going. Then what? You know, I think when doctors attend college, they should have at least one mandatory class in people skills and CARING. I know ideal world as a supporter of a loved one with BP, I'm supposed to be involved with his care but to be honest, if I saw this woman again, I would want to tell her off and let her know how unprofessional she is. Is this the norm here?
You sound just like my step-son and I wish I had an answer. I'm on the outside looking in.
I have to say I was blessed, I have 3 wonderful girls from my previous marriage...each have there quirks that make them who they are and blessed as I say because none have this "disabling" label that society has put on bipolar or any of the other mental illnesses.
After I was divorced, I made a promise to myself and wrote a letter to God, that I would never marry again until I found the man of my dreams who was good to me and I also asked God if it was possible that I would get a son along with the man since I had 3 daughters. Guess what? I did find the man of my dreams who is everything and then some of what I asked for in the letter...and with that man, his children, a son and a daughter. Ricky was diagnosed with bipolar at 12 but was 16 at the time and doing very well...wouldn't have known he was bipolar(I truly didn't believe it)...wasn't on any meds (even though 1 yr. later we found out just how many illegal drugs he was using). Anyway...I not only fell in love with my husband but also with him...he was a dream son...funny...teasing...within 6 months he was calling me Linda-Mom...and let me tell you I was in heaven.
But...within a year he had his first psychotic episode and has had 2 more since.
I have for the last 2 years asked the same questions you are asking.
Why did this have to happen to him
He is so intelligent, creative, he could change the world
I have yelled and screamed at doctors who don't get it
I have fought with school officials who think he could be a threat to others when the only person he was a threat to was himself.
I have spent so many nights without sleep listening to him cry, rant, and talk himself to sleep
I have listened as he tells me about what the voices are saying to him, how he could only turn right if he saw a blinking light when he was driving etc...etc
I have dealt with insurance companies so many times because insurance covers so little...I mean really what do they want us to do...cut off our arms
I have watched him slice him arm in front of me...a knife that came out of no where requiring 34 stitches...and not call the paramedics but call his psy-doc because I know the paramedics will only scare him...and yet he keeps cutting
I have held him in my arms as he thinks he's in Iraq getting shot at and believes he is dying
I have watched him in the hospital a scared little boy of 20 who thinks he's never getting out.
Now, 3 months after the hospital we are once again dealing with $30,000 worth of bills...because insurance would only pick up $6,000 for the year.
I have to tell you...I/we would do anything to help him...we will never stop until we find the best answer for him.
I am finding out through this site that this is one of the best therapies that is around...there is family here...doctors don't care as much as the people on this board helping each other.
Hedge, even through the pain of your venting...there was a survivor shining through...you are going to find your answer.
I haven't been posting lately or surfing much due to the fact that the computer I have access to is incredibly fruited up.
But it hurts me to hear your what you're going through.
I know you have read some of my posts. I can definitely relate to the battles of getting care. I have managed to acquire a semblance of help, yet my experiences at this agency are pretty scary. Plus, it seems, that any step I make forward towards getting my life on track jeopardizes my being qualified for assistance.
Your life history demonstrates the tenacity that you are capable of when it comes to survival. True, there are limits to everything, yet I believe that overcoming a spirit like that would take a lot of conscious effort. I guess I'm trying to say that I think you would have to work hard at giving up. I'm not trying to make you angry here. I am just speaking about what I see in you that I experience in myself. There are times that I curse the will to survive that is in me. If nothing else, by this point in life a habit like that is pretty hard to break.
I guess I just want to encourage you to keep taking one more step. If that's all you can do it's enough.
Oh, yeah. bp dx, or not. There would be a horrible hole here if you weren't!
hedge, I'm the husband of someone who has BP.. I do thing that i.m a part of the fam. You are my online friend and your insite has been heplful to me. I just wanted to get my 2 cwnts worth in. I belive in you and want you to stay around.
You are the man!