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Old 03-17-2005, 03:27 PM   #1
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NodiGoiterGirl HB User
Worried

I am so upset. My husband is having major problems at work and is feeling sooo low right now. I am supposed to go to class tonight and I'll be gone until late. He is at home and I called to see how he was after the incident. He has been suicidal in the past and I know right now he is having those thoughts just racing back and fourth in his head. He has that gray feeling, as he calls it. I asked him if I should come home and he said no because he doesn't want me upsetting him more than he already is. I told him I definately would not do that because I love him. So he's going to get drunk tonight he says. He really only drinks when he's totally near a meltdown. We work in the same place and someone he works with told me it is not good. He may get fired. At this point that is the least of my worries. I just want him to be okay. So I ask myself should I go home or go to school. I will worry all night if he is okay or not but if I go home he may leave and do who knows what and then I will feel worse. I guess I could have people call him at random intervals just so he doesn't feel so alone. That seems sneaky though but what do I do? I just hate this dilemma. My Dad and Uncle committed suicide and my husband's dad killed himself. I am at my wits end.
I guess I need to decide in the next couple of minutes.
Thanks for listening,
Nodi

 
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Old 03-17-2005, 04:03 PM   #2
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polarized13 HB User
Re: Worried

If it's that serious, then go home. Get him to the emergency room and ask for anti-depressants. If he isnt willing to get treatment, then you cant help him.

 
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Old 03-18-2005, 11:20 AM   #3
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Re: Worried

Well that was good advice but.....
He's on medication. Guess I should have been more clear.
And he's been medicated consistently for six years. He's on Risperidal, Effexor, Depakote, kolonopin and has in the past been on paxil, wellbutrin, trileptal, and one other seizure med I can't remember. I am sure there's more. We get up hope that one is working and then bam we have to raise the dose, and then bam we have to raise the dose again, then once again it's time to "try" something else. It is so frustrating. He wants to be well, he just isn't. He is trying so hard and yet is so torn apart. I'm sure there are many here who have felt this way. He won't take lithium and his doctor won't prescribe it to him. Totally anti lithium. I know it has helped many people though.
Anyway,
I went to school for a little while then came home. He had gotten drunk threw up and then passed out on the couch. So, he is okay today physically. But mentally he is not.
I guess my point is I just never know if it is serious or not. It is hard to think that I have to live my life never knowing if what I say or do is going to send him over the edge. If I took him to the hospital every time he thought of suicide I wouldn't be able to do anything else but that.
We have been married ten years and I still don't know if today is the day my husband will kill himself or not. I don't know if I will be able to tell if it is different this time or is he just having thoughts. I can't treat him like he has no control because then he won't have any control. It will send him down further than he already is.

It's gonna be a rough weekend
Nodi

 
Old 03-18-2005, 11:31 AM   #4
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mkijek HB User
Re: Worried

Hello,

I had a similar problem, but my husband (and I) were severly depressed due to a traumatic birth of our child. My son has CP, and my husband wrote a suicide note and was "going for his gun" when I jumped into his car and we talked. He agreed to see a psychologist and talk to them about the despair he was feeling. Thank God he did. I am not sure if your husband is in counseling, but I know first hand how it helped mine.
I pray that everything works out for you both...hang in there.

 
Old 03-18-2005, 12:33 PM   #5
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polarized13 HB User
Re: Worried

Hey Nodi,

I'm really sorry, I think I came off pretty short, and not very sympathetic with your situation. I'm not usually like that. (must of been my mood)

I'm really sorry you are going through this. It's true, I can't quite relate as much being from the other side of the disease. If you have been together that long, you probably have a good foundation to start with, and it's always going to be hard at times, but that's what marriage is about, right?

So, are you not so worried anymore about him being suicidal? Is he keeping good communication with his doctor? I know that is easier said than done...

Again, I apologize for my earlier post. (I was in a hurry to get off the computer - but thats not an excuse)

Good Luck!!

heather

 
Old 03-18-2005, 03:23 PM   #6
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Re: Worried

It's allright I thougt about it after I posted and knew I should have mentioned a little of his history. It's all good. I appreciate any and all advice and comments. I am glad I have the outlet of coming to this place and talking with people who have had experiences similar to mine or can empathize with what my husband is going thorough. There aren't too many people in our lives that understand.
He had a doctors appt. today actually and they took him off Risperidal and put him on Lexapro. So, we will once again, "see" if this works.
He didn't throw up because he got drunk last night, I just assumed so. Apparently he got sick before he drank. He was so upset he just started dry heaving. He hadn't eaten much in a couple of days. Hid doctor today told him that his illness is now causing physical symptoms.....duh.
So he said he had a cry with his doctor and told him about these triggers that make him unstable for the whole week.
He is still really down so his actions are unpredictable. He said this is the worse he has ever felt and by the solemn empty look on his face, I can say that it probably is.
I am just speaking when spoken to at this point and waiting it out.
Thanks again for being here,
Nodi

 
Old 03-18-2005, 05:15 PM   #7
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polarized13 HB User
Re: Worried

Nodi,

I'm glad it sounds like things are a little better today. It can be really rough at times, depression is a really hard thing to cope with. The feelings of hopelessness can be so overwhelming.

Thanks for accepting my apology for being so short yesterday, you were feeling scared and looking for support, and you sure didnt get it from me!!

I promise, if you give me a chance, I will make it up to you.

I know sometimes you must feel like this disorder takes over your whole life. I can only imagine what my marriage would be like if we didnt have to deal with my health problems. I guess that's why they put the "in sickness and in health" part into the vows. I bet most people aren't thinking about ALL THIS while they're saying it!!

It's wonderful that you are staying by your husband's side, and taking care of him. I'm sure when he's feeling better, he will tell you how much he appreciates you.

hang in there!!

heather

 
Old 03-19-2005, 01:16 PM   #8
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NodiGoiterGirl HB User
Re: Worried

Thank you for your support,
Well, everything was going better today until he got a notice in the mail that he has to appear in court for an incident. Of course this incident happened I believe due to his illness. He saw it and said his life is now over. He is just laying on the couch. I am so torn up. I told him we would get through it it will be okay no matter what, but he said nothing.
I hate this,
Nodi

 
Old 03-19-2005, 07:12 PM   #9
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goofyafter2 HB User
Re: Worried

Hi Nodi. I am so sorry you are going through such a tough time. Has it been so hard the whole 10 yrs? I was just diagnosed the beginning of this year and my dh has had a horrible time with me, always worrying etc. ( I went to the hospital about a month and a half ago). I feel so badly whenever he says he doesn't know what he is coming home to. I just wanted to wish you both the best of luck and I hope the new meds will work out. I am not quite sure which side of the illness is worse. I know my dh always says he wishes it were the other way around. Take care, Lori

 
Old 03-19-2005, 07:33 PM   #10
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polarized13 HB User
Re: Worried

Nodi,

That's too bad that things are still going downhill. It seems like when it rains, it pours sometimes, and when you are really depressed, you just can't believe that it will EVER be sunny again.

I'm curious to know the answer to Lori's question also, if it has been this difficult throughout your relationship. And when Lori said she feels bad every time her husband has says that he never knows what he's coming home to, Wow, does THAT ever sound familiar!!

It's kind of hard for us to give you advice about how to cope with a sick spouse. Just like Lori said also, it's hard to say which side of the illness is worse.

I know my husband gets really frustrated, and kind of mad sometimes. Because he feels helpless. It's not just a simple thing to fix, and move on with your life. It's kind of like this dark cloud is always chasing you...

But we still have wonderful moments, and good days, and we appreicate those more now than we ever did before. Try and remember that when he feels like things aren't going to get better, and he keeps pushing you away, and getting lost in his own little world, that he will pull out of it eventually. And you are helping him, just by being there, even if he can't see it right now.

My thoughts are with you, Hang in there!!

heather

 
Old 03-19-2005, 10:13 PM   #11
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maniasterisk HB User
Re: Worried

I didn't reply before out of a lack of what to say.

In re-reading your post, it appears your husband didn't actually indicate being drawn towards suicide at this time. You are anticipating and trying to circumvent that.

Perhaps YOU ought to communicate with his Pdoc about your concerns, if that's possible.

Additionally - sitting around without outward focus is NOT highly recommended. Is there anything your husband might focus upon so as to keep him occupied intellectually and physically ???

A chore or repair around the house ???

A hobby ???

Grocery shopping that needs to be done ???

Best wishes,

~ M*

Last edited by maniasterisk; 03-19-2005 at 10:13 PM.

 
Old 03-19-2005, 11:37 PM   #12
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NodiGoiterGirl HB User
Re: Worried

Hmmm, the past ten years.
The first two years we were married my husband showed some sympoms, a lot of drinking, and seemed to focus on the dark sides of times. Then after being married for two years he just freaked out one day. I had a horrible dream that when I told him about it, convinced him to seek treatment. He told me about his suicidal thoughts right off the bat. The only problem is he never told his military doctors the whole story of how he was feeling. They just decided he was depressed and put him on something. He accepted this for a while and he got a little better. Then he was told that if he wanted to make the military his career that he would have to go off of antidepressants. So, without consulting me he did. It got real bad for the next year or so. He finally realized that he needed to be on meds consistently. Usually we can go months at a time things will be fine then something will happen. Or he just slips down again.
I guess most of the ten years has been like this. Up and down, but that is part of it isn't it?
He feels like he isn't going to get better. And yes he admitted to me that he's been suicidal the last few days. He even had me drive him somewhere tonight I don't know why he didn't want to drive.
I came across a message that HE had posted in another message forum and he said that he knows that he will end up killing himself, he didn't think he'd make it this long. The rest of what he wrote was too upsetting for me to repeat. I will never tell him I saw what he wrote. I will never go to that board again.
I know that there is still hope for him. This is just a really rough patch that we will get through. He is my soulmate. We were meant to be together forever and I won't accept anything less.
Incidentally he has many projects but the problem is that he tends to get more frustrated sometimes if he tries to do things. He is usually very hyper and has to be busy all the time. But when he's on the other side of the hill he's too depressed and gets frustrated easily. I tell him just to get frustrated if he wants, atleast he's expressing something. I'ts his garage and his tools, what do I care if the crap goes flying? Well, I do have to make sure my car's not in there, I did lose a windshield to a screwdriver once Yes, I can laugh about it now. I had seen him throw the tool of my windshield's demize actually at the engine of his car. The screwdriver went flying off his engine and bounced up and hit my windshield. I saw the damage immediately. He didn't know that I had been standing there. I walked away and didn't say anything. The next day he asked me what happened to my windshield.....I said that I saw what happened. He said oh, I didn't know I did that. We'll get it fixed. I said oh yes we will.
So, anyway I do appreciate everyone listening. We will get through this just like we have gotten through the last ten years. Together til whatever.
I don't want to see him hurt,
I don't want to see him cry,
I don't want to see his blood,
I don't want to see him die.

I have to keep hope today,
That tomorrow will become,
Everything that I've dreamed,
Happiness making us numb.

Until tomorrow I'll love him,
Until tomorrow I'll wipe his tears,
Until tomorrow I'll keep the dream,
Even if tomorrow takes years.

This is what I do when I'm upset. It makes me feel better. And so have you all. Thanks so much.
Nodi

 
Old 03-20-2005, 10:47 AM   #13
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polarized13 HB User
Re: Worried

Nodi,

Reading your last post actually made me cry. (I have some hormonal help with that reaction).

I am so sorry you are going through this. You have helped me keep some perspective on my own life, things have never been that bad for me.

But I have also never ALLOWED myself to stay in a dark place for that long. I will pull myself up by my bootstraps, and get busy. With something. Anything. I know that you can't really do that for him. And maybe my depression has never been as serious as his. I dont know.

Do you guys have kids? If so, can you remind him of them in an effort to help him feel a sense of purpose, and to remember that he needs to be stong for them?

heather

 
Old 03-20-2005, 12:51 PM   #14
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NodiGoiterGirl HB User
Re: Worried

No,
We don't have children. He is freaked out about passing this on. All the kids on his side of the family it seems like have behavioral issues or emotional issues. I don't want to have children in an unstable environment but if he ever gets stabilized, I wouldn't be totally against it. I grew up in a very emotionally unstable environment, and although it made me a stronger person, I don't want to have children into this rollercoaster.It just isn't the right time..
He went to work today and is doing research on what they have to accomodate him with at work since he has a disability. He doesn't even get a lunch break as his position has to be manned 24/7.
He is willing to work an hour later just so he can get away from the office for awhile. He has asked for this repeatedly in the past but since the group voted no lunches, he gets no lunch or breaks.
So he has thrown himself into researching laws and planning the next course of action on how to move forward. I'm glad he has a focus.
The court thing will weigh heavily on his mind but I know that he knows we can get through it all. I told him that he doesn't even have to work if he doesn't feel he can. I will have my degree in a couple of months and will be making more. Sure we will have to cut back a bit on spending but I would rather have him sane than rich.
Nothing is as bad as it seems. I would live in a cardboard box if it meant he could enjoy some happiness just once in his life. Everyone who suffers with this disease deserves a medal just for making it day to day.
Thank you for helping me through this difficult time.
Hugs,
Nodi

 
Old 03-20-2005, 02:54 PM   #15
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polarized13 HB User
Re: Worried

Nodi,

It sounds to me like you guys aren't finding time to enjoy the simple pleasures in life anymore. Does he have any hobbies like hiking or playing hoops with his buddies? Anything that might take his mind off of some of the mundane, boring, stressfull responsibilites that all of us have, and it sounds like he has more than his share.

I know it might seem like right now isn't the time to think about fun, and I don't mean you should buy tickets to the Bahamas or anything. Just have a picnic or something. Stuff you used to do when you were first together.

It's easy to get caught up, and forget what's really important, ENJOYING LIFE AND BEING HAPPY. Distractions take your mind off of things long enough to trigger a change....

It's just a suggestion. Let me know how you're doing, Ok?

heather

Ps. As far as having kids goes, I think that if you want kids, you should have them and not worry about what MIGHT happen. They say that there will probably be a cure for this in 20 years or less. Besides if everyone who had some diseases in their family didn't have kids, the human race would die out. My kids have brought me so much joy...

Last edited by polarized13; 03-20-2005 at 03:06 PM.

 
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