| Re: Incredibly confused...
I suggest you go to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis at the earliest possible time.
I'm not a psychiatrist, but you do seem to meet the diagnostic criteria for having a Major Depressive Disoder. Here they are:
a) Having at least one of the following three abnormal moods which have significantly interfered with your life:
1) Abnormal depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks.
2) Abnormal loss of all interest and pleasure most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks.
3) If 18 or younger, abnormal irritable mood most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks.
b) Having at least five of the following three abnormal moods which have significantly interfered with your life, during the same two week period:
1) Abnormal depressed mood (or irritable mood if a child or adolescent).
2) Abnormal loss of all interest and pleasure. ("([I] don't feel joy like I used to..."I have been feeling numb.")
3) Appetite or weight disturbance, being either:
i) Abnormal weight loss (when not dieting) or decrease in appetite, or,
ii) Abnormal weight gain, or, increase in appetite.
4) Sleep disturbance, either abnormal insomnia or abnormal hypersomnia (sleeping a lot).
5) Activity disturbance, either abnormal agitation, (like anxiousness, or, irritability, or, flitting about) or, abnormal slowing, e.g., "going through the motions" (observable by others).
6) Abnormal fatigue or loss of energy.
7) Abnormal self-reproach ("why is she so weak and selfish?", you say) or inappropriate guilt, e.g., "I'm bad for feeling this way".
8) Abnormal poor concentration or indecisiveness. (Like excess "rumination": having the same kinds of thoughts going through your mind over and over, again that you can't stop thinking about.
9) Abnormal morbid thoughts of death (not just fear of dying) or suicide.
[Also, though it's not listed, "cutting" is an act in which depressed people often engage.]
One more thing, though: the fact that you have periods of extreme, violent irratibilty may effect your final diagnosis.
I hope this helps.
Paul
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