I am posting here because I really don't know which other board to go to...
I guess I just want to get everything out, and maybe get some feedback...I'm sorry if this gets long...and if it doesn't make much sense. I guess I'm just trying to make sense of what I'm feeling.
I have always been relatively successful in all life's endeavors...I do volunteer work, I take care of myself, I have great friends, and a wonderful family. I can recognize all of this and realize that I have so much to be thankful for, yet I have a dark side to me that I don't understand at all. Some days it feels like I have fallen into a hole and there is absolutely no way out. I used to be a cutter, but haven't in about two years, but I have been contemplating it again. I obsess over everything. I convince myself everyday that I have different illnessess or stds, and this possesses my every thought. Lately I have been feeling numb. I go through the motions of a normal day, but don't feel joy like I used to. It's almost like I'm watching myself, and I'm saying, "Why is that girl like that? She has everything she needs, why is she so weak and selfish?" I often cry so hard it hurts. Then I'll pick myself up, wipe away my tears, and go on with my day...I guess as if I'm hiding it. I can have a very angry side to me that comes out very seldom, where I will completely lash out, kick things, throw things, scream so hard...
I don't know if what I am feeling is normal, but somehow I don't think I can continue the way I am...maybe I'm in a rut? I don't know...
Thanks for just even taking the time to read.
I just wanted to add to what i've already posted - I cry because I'm crying. Does that make sense? I am fine when I'm with someone, but I get terribly depressed when I'm alone...I would say I'm a relatively optimistic person though.
Am I overreacting?
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
Re: Incredibly confused...
I would bring up your concerns to your primary care doctor. There is a test you can take to find out if it is likely you suffer from bipolar disorder. I'm not a doctor, but I doubt it. You didn't mention any kind of manic behavior. You did mention behavior that sounds obsessive-compulsive. Look for the test you can take, it's somewhere on the main page for bipolar disorder on web md, I think. The best thing would be if you can get evaluated by a psychiatrist, obviously. good luck!!
Honestly been there too, I'm going to Dr later this week to get checked out. You're not alone, you can believe that.. I need to get out of this body so that I don't start doing anything to leave any soon to be evidence of cutting, or burning. I've had the desire to burn myself here the past weekend to wadke up. Haven't gone thru with it yet, I'm scared to do anything like that, but will start again.,, I've got to make my call.. to the Dr.
I suggest you go to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis at the earliest possible time.
I'm not a psychiatrist, but you do seem to meet the diagnostic criteria for having a Major Depressive Disoder. Here they are:
a) Having at least one of the following three abnormal moods which have significantly interfered with your life:
1) Abnormal depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks.
2) Abnormal loss of all interest and pleasure most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks.
3) If 18 or younger, abnormal irritable mood most of the day, nearly every day, for at least 2 weeks.
b) Having at least five of the following three abnormal moods which have significantly interfered with your life, during the same two week period:
1) Abnormal depressed mood (or irritable mood if a child or adolescent).
2) Abnormal loss of all interest and pleasure. ("([I] don't feel joy like I used to..."I have been feeling numb.")
3) Appetite or weight disturbance, being either:
i) Abnormal weight loss (when not dieting) or decrease in appetite, or,
ii) Abnormal weight gain, or, increase in appetite.
4) Sleep disturbance, either abnormal insomnia or abnormal hypersomnia (sleeping a lot).
5) Activity disturbance, either abnormal agitation, (like anxiousness, or, irritability, or, flitting about) or, abnormal slowing, e.g., "going through the motions" (observable by others).
6) Abnormal fatigue or loss of energy.
7) Abnormal self-reproach ("why is she so weak and selfish?", you say) or inappropriate guilt, e.g., "I'm bad for feeling this way".
8) Abnormal poor concentration or indecisiveness. (Like excess "rumination": having the same kinds of thoughts going through your mind over and over, again that you can't stop thinking about.
9) Abnormal morbid thoughts of death (not just fear of dying) or suicide.
[Also, though it's not listed, "cutting" is an act in which depressed people often engage.]
One more thing, though: the fact that you have periods of extreme, violent irratibilty may effect your final diagnosis.
I hope this helps.
I've been there.. I remember beating myself up by screaming at myself in the mirror & choking on sobs and singing songs by Avril Lavigne & Evenescence like Take me away and My Immortal. In my case, I think for me it was a cry out for help, feeling isolated-- since I haven't met anyone with this disorder and also confused of who I really am. Sometimes I think the episodes weren't reality, as in, it was just a mixed up perception of who I am, but not really me. Can you relate or does this make any sense? I've found talking to someone you feel comfortable with really helps. Also, the realization that the disease & person are 2 seperate things has helped. I thank you for listening and hope this helps.
Mollie - You struck a chord with me - I can completely relate, and yes it makes perfect sense. I almost feel like I am two different people - there's me that is successful and happy, then there's me screaming and crying so hard it hurts. I know that it is me crying out for help. I would say that is why I started cutting in the first place. It's so hard to explain, but it's like I want people to understand that I hurt, but when they find out, I feel ashamed and don't want to talk about it.
Sometimes I think the episodes weren't reality, as in, it was just a mixed up perception of who I am, but not really me.
You worded it perfectly...it's so strange but I know what I am doing (during my "episodes") and I know that I don't want to be doing it...so I almost convince myself that I am someone else. That this isn't really "me" and will never become a part of me. Then I pick myself up and go on with my day...I just don't understand it because I have great days, like today, where I know I am fine, I can control myself and my thoughts...and then some days I just slip into this hole and I feel like I'm never going to get out...
Making any sense? Probably not...
Thanks for replying Mollie
that part about you having crying episodes and then picking yourself back up, this is my worst symptom because its the thought of all the other times youve brokedown that makes you breakdown again. im triggered off by completeley unrelated things. i also have episodes of anger. if i walk past a table and accidentally hit it, i go crazy and attack it and evrything around it, but only sometimes.
have you been to see a doctor?
what did they say?
i havent been diagnosed so please post your progress, id relly like to know
XJemmaX - No I haven't been to see a doctor - and truthfully I'm not sure if I will. On my good days, I understand that my episodes are not me...and I don't think that I have an "illness" persay. I think I'm in control enough to deal with it myself...but we'll see how that goes.
the thought of all the other times youve brokedown that makes you breakdown again.
Absolutely...as I said before, I'm honestly just crying because I'm crying. I'm upset with myself for being upset. It could be the smallest thing ever that triggers it. Then other days, I can be the strongest person ever (mentally).
Thanks for the reply - keep in touch and let me know if you go to see a doctor; I'd like to know what they have to say.
I'm going to focus on your 2nd posting (the add-on)...
You stated that you get along much better when in a relationship, but when left alone - the inward spiral and crying occur (my translation, I hope it's close to what you meant)...
I can totally relate to that.
I won't try to label it with co-dependency, or anything else. I seem to suffer from the same emotional condition.
I have no idea if we distract ourselves by putting our own needs secondary to those of our significant other, or what...
I just know that over the years (in my case 36 of them since I was 15) I have always felt similar despondency when not in a relationship. Unfortunately, that probably contributes to making poor choices in the next relationship out of neediness (I think the women I've chosen LOOK, if unconsciously, for someone so needy that they'll get a free ride)...
Can't say that being alone has ever been easy to cope with - and it amazes me just how dysfunctional I become if abandoned (my wife left with our daughter the Friday before Easter - open-ended - and for all intents and purposes ~ I went totally dead in the water)... Hasn't changed a bit since the teenage years...
Cannot seem to set reasonable direction FOR JUST ME...
I know this doesn't give you any "answers" - but at least you know you're not the only person that feels that sort of way (if I read you correctly)...
Just maybe - if you have access - "talk therapy" might help you sort through your own "issues" that might have led to this... Sometimes, a person can set the demons to rest... Other times...
Best wishes !!!
~ M* ~
It's awefully frustrating when you KNOW you have a weakness in a deeply ingrained behavior pattern - yet external triggers by-pass any rational attempts to alleviate it !!!