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Old 04-07-2005, 12:26 PM   #1
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polarized13 HB User
Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

Hi Guys,

I usually try to be upbeat, and encouraging, and look for the silver lining in everything. I dont know if you can actually will youself to feel better, but I always try anyway. This frustration I'm having isnt really so much about bipolar, as the whole health-care system and all the messed up stuff about it.

I want to tread cautiously regarding this subject, as I would not want to be banned as a result of any of this. It is simply an observation on my part, and a sharing of my recent experiences.

As some of you may already know, I suffer from a very painful female disease: endometreosis. And my bp and endo feed off of one another, and basically make each other worse. It is a vicious cycle of pain aggrivated depression, and depression aggrivated pain, and meds from both aggrivating mania and depression. It sucks.

And so of course I have all of these health care providers that are supposed to treat me for each one separately. (a Gyn, a pain doc, and a p-doc) and of course, they all think they know better than the other what the best treatment plan is for me, and when I have overlapping symptoms, no one knows what is causing what, and I am bounced from one drug or therapy to another, as I continue to get worse, and no one seems to be able to really help me, or truly care about my well-being.

If I try and research anything, so that I can try and figure thing out for myself, they say "oh, you are just focusing too much time and energy into your problems, and making it worse, let us do our job, we know better than you do. " Basically telling me to be quiet and do what they say without question. So they can move onto the next patient and be done with me. (at least that is how they make me feel)

I want to say, I USED TO have a life before all of these health problems took it away from me. Do you think I WANT to sit at home with my heating pad and try and figure out what to do next?

What do they (really) care how much pain I'm in or how depressed I am? As long as their buns are covered, and they are following regulations. I have gotten absolutley no empathy from any of these people. (with the exception of a couple of nurses who seem very aware of what's going on, but powerless to help me)

The regulations are what seems to have their hands tied, so they have to become robots of medicine and follow black and white rules.

I am told to go to physical therapy 3 times a week, and have these steroid injections in my spine (which really dont help, and may aggrivate more mood problems) all this is costing me around 50 bucks a pop. And told that I'm in a high-risk category for possible problems down the road with pain medication, so I just cant have any. No matter how bad my pain is.( I could have lied to them about my history, but I am penalized for being honest) Oh, ya and I can't take over the counter stuff anymore because I have already damaged my kidneys from taking so much.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk !


I am just so tired of all of this. I have never, ever been truly suicidal before, but I just can't stop crying. I keep thinking it's going to get better, but it never does. I want to be strong, and just deal, but it is getting so hard.

I'm sorry this is so long, I had a bunch of 'stuff' to vent, I guess. I feel a little better.

Anyway, take it easy, all of you (can you tell I'm a little depressed right now?)

~no worries, I will be ok~

heather

 
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Old 04-07-2005, 12:50 PM   #2
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dragon25 HB User
Re: Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

Hi Heather,

I am so sorry you are feeling bad. I wish there was some advice I could give you. You told me when I was down that nothing lasts forever, and you were right. I know it seems like it will. Just know that we are all here for you to listen to you and try to make you feel at least a little bit better.

I know how those dr's can be, I am about to change mine soon.

Good luck and I will be thinking of you!
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Old 04-07-2005, 01:01 PM   #3
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terrienne HB User
Re: Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

Hi ! Heather

Oh Dear,
I wish I knew what to say............., I can say that I AM here for you, as
you always have been for me. And, you can vent to me just any ol' day,
okay ?
I know, folks say, ' Well, you should do this, or you shouldah coulda do that',
and these Doctors just seem to leave us hanging sometimes, believe me,
You know that I truly do know what you mean, don't you ?

LISTEN...., I just thought of something.......,
Ohhhhhhh, Heather, are you still getting steriod injections ?
Oh My, Heather, even though I know you have to have these, this stuff
and send your emotions UP THE WALL !!!
I am speaking from experience, okay ? I have had to have steriod shots in my
spine too, for back trouble, and they have made me..........,
MANIC, MANIC, MANIC............., in a NEW YORK MINUTE !!!
And I have also seen this in my Son..., he used to have to take steroids for
his allergys.

Can you call your Doctor, and talk to the nurse, for heavens sake, not the Doc ? Can you just tell her what you are going through, since they were nice to you ?
This is my best advice for you right now !

PLEASE, let me hear from you, okay ? I am worried about you, seriously...,

I am waiting to hear.......,

LUV,
Gee Gee

 
Old 04-07-2005, 04:23 PM   #4
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maniasterisk HB User
Re: Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

heather...

Find a nice, and relatively private place (outdoors, preferred) and SCREAM BLOODY MURDER about how ****** you are !!!

I find it therapeutic. I live in the country. I do it when a similar mood hits.

It can sometimes be cathartic.

But it NEVER can top ~ ~ ~ !!!

~ M* ~

 
Old 04-07-2005, 05:02 PM   #5
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polarized13 HB User
Re: Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

Hey Guys,

Thanks for being there for me. And M*, as always, thanks for making me laugh. I am feeling better now, I went outside and watched the kids play, and chatted with the neighbors, and absolutely forced myself not to think about any of this 'stuff'.

G G - That was a good idea to talk to the nurse some more about it. They are obviously as frustrated as me about the whole thing. The one nurse today was doing her very best to be my advocate, she understood how I feel. She wanted desperately to help me somehow, but she can't. The doctors are interested first and formost about following the rules, wich were made to fit someone with a signifigantly less complicated medical history.

Of course the pain doc does not realize what steroids may do to my moods, any more than the gyn that put me on depo lupron, witch is very much contra-indicated for someone with a mood disorder. If any of these doctors actually took the time to look into it, I'm sure I would not be having any of this stuff done. But I guess they feel like they have to do something, anything besides get me addicted to anything, and if my life falls apart and I lose my mind that is my problem.

You know the funny thing is, I just saw my p-doc yesterday, and told her about the injection and asked if I should be concerned about any more mood problems with it. She just absentmindedly shook her head and continuted doodling (or whatever they do) on her little notepad.

By the way I just had my steroid injection today, that was the one I was talking about before, I think I called it a caudal. Its a epidural steroid caudal, to be exact. Which is normally given to back pain patients only. I think I'm some kind of guiney pig or something because there is no research whatsover to back up its usefullness for endo. You should have seen his face when I brought that up. Thats when he said I was spending too much time thinking about it and I should just let him worry about it.

If only he DID worry about it. Or cared at all. But it's ultimately about the bottom line and the bottom line here is not my well being. That is obvious.

I have an HMO, so my options are limited for care. I wanted accupuncture, but that isnt his thing, so he nixed the idea. So I would have to pay out of pocket.

Maybe by the time the prozac kicks in, I will feel better about the whole thing. But Gee, I'm starting back on prozac, and having steroids injected on the same day, so who's going to know if I get manic which one caused it?

Ps. I went back and changed the end of this post because it was just too pitiful. A good pity party is ok sometimes, but I think I'm over it. For any of you who actually sat there and read all my rantings, thank you.

~~heather~~

Last edited by polarized13; 04-07-2005 at 07:19 PM. Reason: added a p.s...

 
Old 04-08-2005, 12:10 AM   #6
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goofyafter2 HB User
Re: Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

Heather, I am so sorry you are feeling so badly. I realize you have an HMO but can't you try to exhaust all of you possibilities dr wise? Yours sound like they suck. i had some sucky ones too, and they just made me want to give up. Try to hang tough, I hope the prozac will work wonders and make you feel well enough to get some new opinions. At least try for a new pdoc. I would be extremely ****** if no one answered me. That probably just adds to your pain. Take care and let us know what is going on. Love, Lori

 
Old 04-08-2005, 08:20 AM   #7
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loopyturtle HB User
Re: Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

Hi Heather,

I'm sorry to hear about the frustrations with the doctors et al. I want to encourage to hang in there and advocate for yourself. M*'s scream suggestion is a wonderful idea, as well. HMO's can be terrible, but stick with it. I actually found my general pract. doctor when I was with an HMO. He is currently prescribing my psych meds because he knows more about them and interactions than the people I kept running into at the local clinics. He's also a doctor that actually listens and takes time to explain and ask how I feel about his decisions. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is there really are a few good ones out there. Just few and far between. Good luck.

--Loopy
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Old 04-08-2005, 11:27 AM   #8
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polarized13 HB User
Unhappy Re: Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

Hi Everyone,

I decided to call the pain clinic this morning and tell the receptionist what was going on, and she referred me to a patient advocate, and I left a message on her voicemail to call me back.

My husband thinks that my problem is that I am just expecting too much, and that I have to remember that the world doesent revolve around me, and just be tougher. It is so easy for someone who is NOT suffering to say that.

In most cases, from what I understand, psychotic meds are only prescribed by psychiatrists in this state. PCP doctors pretty much only handle the most basic health problems, and refer out for everything else.

I have an apt scheduled with 2 different gyns to get more opinions about my endo. If I can just get that under control, and only have to deal with the bp, it would sure make my life easier.

As far a the p-doc goes, I have had a hard time finding one that would see me, the ones covered under my insurance all have specialties, (like eating disorders, or adolescent therapy) and unless I want to drive 50 miles into the city, I am stuck with what I have. She's nice to me, but I think she just doesnt know that much about bp, and what kind of advice to give me. She just askes me what I want (which is nice) and then gives me a scrip for whatever I ask for. Where is the in-between? I want a doc who listens, gives advice, and makes decisions based on both. Isn't that what they're supposed to do?

I guess now, I will see if the advocate calls me back. As long as I am responsible, and it is closely monitored, I think I could handle taking something strong enough to relieve my pain. They are just so darn strict about giving it out. And they have no way of knowing if I'm really suffering or not. Except that I do have extensive records of my surgeries, etc.

thanks again for listening, take care all and have a good weekend!!

~~heather~~

Last edited by polarized13; 04-08-2005 at 05:32 PM.

 
Old 04-08-2005, 12:33 PM   #9
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dragon25 HB User
Re: Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

Heather,

I am feeling your pain with the doctors. I am trying to change and I can't! The insurance crap changed and now it doesn't cover psychiatrists and I have to have a referral from my doctor who doesn't think I am as bad off as I actually am!!!! I don't think he knows what in the hell he is doing anymore!!! He isn't helping me!!! I am so mad!!! AARRGG!!!

I am sorry, I know this is your vent! I guess I am venting too.
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Dragon

 
Old 04-08-2005, 01:44 PM   #10
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polarized13 HB User
Re: Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

Hey,

It's ok, vent away. Definately anyone with chronic health problems, and an HMO has a reason to vent about it, I figure.

I did finally get a call back from the patient advocate at the clinic. And I found out the real reason that they are not willing to give me meds for pain. They require you to meet with a phychologist first, and although I do have the first available appointment scheduled for the end of May, their regulations say that they cannot give me meds until then.

Of course this person is booked up for the next SIX WEEKS because she only works one day a week...... (But I am the cancellation list!!!)

Good lord.

wishing you all better luck with your endeavors, I'm not crying anymore, just MAD......

~~heather~~

 
Old 04-08-2005, 03:23 PM   #11
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goofyafter2 HB User
Re: Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

Heather, I too would be ******. I can feel your discouragement, and you are NOT expecting too much. You are not getting the treatment you deserve and what kind of dr gives you whatever scripts you ask for? At this point in the game, everything does revolve around you and don't forget it - LOL! I really hope you get in early, because this whole system is just plain ridiculous. You have me fired up too, because I have had it with drs, meds, etc. I agree that if you can get your pain under control first, then work on the rest.Take care! Love Lori

 
Old 04-09-2005, 12:08 PM   #12
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polarized13 HB User
Re: Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

I just wanted to thank everyone who responded to my post. It really helps to have support from you all. I know I am not the first, and certainly not the last to have to deal with these frustrations. And unfortunatly, there are no easy answers to fix it.

I am considering writing a letter to someone, (I'm not sure who) about it. Senate? I'm pretty sure they are well aware of the problems with the health care system, it seems like something could be done.....

Anyhow, I will let you know if and when I do finally get in to see that psychologist. The prozac is making me feel better, but I have had flu-like symptoms ever since I got back home from that steroid shot. And absolutely no relief what-so-ever from the pain. I'm keeping my chin up, though. It could always be worse, right?

Take it easy,

~~heather~~

 
Old 04-09-2005, 01:09 PM   #13
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goofyafter2 HB User
Re: Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

Heather, good luck waiting it out. I am glad the prozac is helping you a little. I miss mine - LOL! You know I can't even imagine having physical pain on top of this other stuff. YOU ARE A WARRIOR!! Don't give up the fight. Love, Lori

 
Old 04-10-2005, 07:19 AM   #14
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Kahlia25 HB User
Lightbulb Re: Gotta vent - I want to scream!!

Heather-I can empathize with you about the health care system as I posted about my own Psych not wanting to give me a benzo???? It is addictive...well she is not the one going nuts. I can tell you that I have had MUCH better luck talking to the nurses as they are the mouthpiece for the Dr's. Talk to the one that you trust and let her talk to the Dr. You have way too much on yur plate...have had the steroid injections...did not help. I wish you Peace and hope that you can find a person who will listen...it is hard to do. I went to the ER yesterday and the HEAD of the place comes and talks to me. He NEVER callled my Dr. as he said she was ridiculous....he is right. He gave me Ativan and I feel like a new person today.....just one person can make all the difference, you just have to find them.....good luck and you are in my prayers......Kahlia
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I have seen many things BUT the most terrible thing I have ever seen was the lack of compassion for another.....................Kahlia

 
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