Gotta vent - I want to scream!! - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

polarized13 · 04-07-2005, 01:26 PM

Hi Guys,

I usually try to be upbeat, and encouraging, and look for the silver lining in everything. I dont know if you can actually will youself to feel better, but I always try anyway. This frustration I'm having isnt really so much about bipolar, as the whole health-care system and all the messed up stuff about it.

I want to tread cautiously regarding this subject, as I would not want to be banned as a result of any of this. It is simply an observation on my part, and a sharing of my recent experiences.

As some of you may already know, I suffer from a very painful female disease: endometreosis. And my bp and endo feed off of one another, and basically make each other worse. It is a vicious cycle of pain aggrivated depression, and depression aggrivated pain, and meds from both aggrivating mania and depression. It sucks.

And so of course I have all of these health care providers that are supposed to treat me for each one separately. (a Gyn, a pain doc, and a p-doc) and of course, they all think they know better than the other what the best treatment plan is for me, and when I have overlapping symptoms, no one knows what is causing what, and I am bounced from one drug or therapy to another, as I continue to get worse, and no one seems to be able to really help me, or truly care about my well-being.

If I try and research anything, so that I can try and figure thing out for myself, they say "oh, you are just focusing too much time and energy into your problems, and making it worse, let us do our job, we know better than you do. " Basically telling me to be quiet and do what they say without question. So they can move onto the next patient and be done with me. (at least that is how they make me feel)

I want to say, I USED TO have a life before all of these health problems took it away from me. Do you think I WANT to sit at home with my heating pad and try and figure out what to do next?

What do they (really) care how much pain I'm in or how depressed I am? As long as their buns are covered, and they are following regulations. I have gotten absolutley no empathy from any of these people. (with the exception of a couple of nurses who seem very aware of what's going on, but powerless to help me)

The regulations are what seems to have their hands tied, so they have to become robots of medicine and follow black and white rules.

I am told to go to physical therapy 3 times a week, and have these steroid injections in my spine (which really dont help, and may aggrivate more mood problems) all this is costing me around 50 bucks a pop. And told that I'm in a high-risk category for possible problems down the road with pain medication, so I just cant have any. No matter how bad my pain is.( I could have lied to them about my history, but I am penalized for being honest) Oh, ya and I can't take over the counter stuff anymore because I have already damaged my kidneys from taking so much.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk !

I am just so tired of all of this. I have never, ever been truly suicidal before, but I just can't stop crying. I keep thinking it's going to get better, but it never does. I want to be strong, and just deal, but it is getting so hard.

I'm sorry this is so long, I had a bunch of 'stuff' to vent, I guess. I feel a little better.

Anyway, take it easy, all of you (can you tell I'm a little depressed right now?)

~no worries, I will be ok~

heather

dragon25 · 04-07-2005, 01:50 PM

Hi Heather,

I am so sorry you are feeling bad. I wish there was some advice I could give you. You told me when I was down that nothing lasts forever, and you were right. I know it seems like it will. Just know that we are all here for you to listen to you and try to make you feel at least a little bit better.

I know how those dr's can be, I am about to change mine soon.

Good luck and I will be thinking of you!

terrienne · 04-07-2005, 02:01 PM

Hi ! Heather

Oh Dear,
I wish I knew what to say............., I can say that I AM here for you, as
you always have been for me. And, you can vent to me just any ol' day,
okay ?
I know, folks say, ' Well, you should do this, or you shouldah coulda do that',
and these Doctors just seem to leave us hanging sometimes, believe me,
You know that I truly do know what you mean, don't you ?

LISTEN...., I just thought of something.......,
Ohhhhhhh, Heather, are you still getting steriod injections ?
Oh My, Heather, even though I know you have to have these, this stuff
and send your emotions UP THE WALL !!!
I am speaking from experience, okay ? I have had to have steriod shots in my
spine too, for back trouble, and they have made me..........,
MANIC, MANIC, MANIC............., in a NEW YORK MINUTE !!!
And I have also seen this in my Son..., he used to have to take steroids for
his allergys.

Can you call your Doctor, and talk to the nurse, for heavens sake, not the Doc ? Can you just tell her what you are going through, since they were nice to you ?
This is my best advice for you right now !

PLEASE, let me hear from you, okay ? I am worried about you, seriously...,

I am waiting to hear.......,

LUV,
Gee Gee

maniasterisk · 04-07-2005, 05:23 PM

heather...

Find a nice, and relatively private place (outdoors, preferred) and SCREAM BLOODY MURDER about how ****ed you are !!!

I find it therapeutic. I live in the country. I do it when a similar mood hits.

It can sometimes be cathartic.

But it NEVER can top ~ ~ ~ !!!

~ M* ~

polarized13 · 04-07-2005, 06:02 PM

Hey Guys,

Thanks for being there for me. And M*, as always, thanks for making me laugh. I am feeling better now, I went outside and watched the kids play, and chatted with the neighbors, and absolutely forced myself not to think about any of this 'stuff'.

G G - That was a good idea to talk to the nurse some more about it. They are obviously as frustrated as me about the whole thing. The one nurse today was doing her very best to be my advocate, she understood how I feel. She wanted desperately to help me somehow, but she can't. The doctors are interested first and formost about following the rules, wich were made to fit someone with a signifigantly less complicated medical history.

Of course the pain doc does not realize what steroids may do to my moods, any more than the gyn that put me on depo lupron, ***** is very much contra-indicated for someone with a mood disorder. If any of these doctors actually took the time to look into it, I'm sure I would not be having any of this stuff done. But I guess they feel like they have to do something, anything besides get me addicted to anything, and if my life falls apart and I lose my mind that is my problem.

You know the funny thing is, I just saw my p-doc yesterday, and told her about the injection and asked if I should be concerned about any more mood problems with it. She just absentmindedly shook her head and continuted doodling (or whatever they do) on her little notepad.

By the way I just had my steroid injection today, that was the one I was talking about before, I think I called it a caudal. Its a epidural steroid caudal, to be exact. Which is normally given to back pain patients only. I think I'm some kind of guiney pig or something because there is no research whatsover to back up its usefullness for endo. You should have seen his face when I brought that up. Thats when he said I was spending too much time thinking about it and I should just let him worry about it.

If only he DID worry about it. Or cared at all. But it's ultimately about the bottom line and the bottom line here is not my well being. That is obvious.

I have an HMO, so my options are limited for care. I wanted accupuncture, but that isnt his thing, so he nixed the idea. So I would have to pay out of pocket.

Maybe by the time the prozac kicks in, I will feel better about the whole thing. But Gee, I'm starting back on prozac, and having steroids injected on the same day, so who's going to know if I get manic which one caused it?

Ps. I went back and changed the end of this post because it was just too pitiful. A good pity party is ok sometimes, but I think I'm over it. For any of you who actually sat there and read all my rantings, thank you.

~~heather~~