New to this - would really appreciate any advice anyone can give me regarding my family. After 6 years of illness, was finally diagnosed with BP 2, medicated and stabilised - I'm sure most of you know what that's like. However, I still have probs with my family, who seem to think I'm just lazy and can't be bothered. They are very reluctant to help me out unless things are at rock bottom (ie when I'm in hospital) and they all look down on me because I don't work - I have tried but I just can't cope with that and raising my little boy alone - he's only 3 and he's been through so much already that I don't want to put him through anymore. I just find all the negativity really difficult. I've given them stuff to read and suggested websites, carers groups etc which they have read but they say it doesn't apply to them (?) and they can't do any more than they are doing (which is bugger all). Anybody else been in a similar situation? Would appreciate any feedback. Thanks xx
Hello and welcome-I can TOTALLY relate to your issue. I am also Bipolar and my family thinks I am the "crazy" one that will not work...I am on disability. I have tried, I cannot do it. Surround yourself with friends and other Bipolar people that understand what you are going through.....your family will not change as I have found, that is work and they don't want to do it. They will not read anything about my disease, they think I am Lying????? THEY have the issue, not you. You are getting help......keep getting it......Kahlia
__________________
I have seen many things BUT the most terrible thing I have ever seen was the lack of compassion for another.....................Kahlia
Thanks for that, it helps to know I'm not the only one! I do try and spend more time with my friends than with them but they are hard to put off - they think because I don't work I have loads of time and should be available whenever it suits them - it seems to be a no win situation! But thanks for the advice, I will concentrate on my buddies and myself. Hope you're keeping well, Picali x
Have you ever thought about moving FAR away from them ? Distance ends a lot of that.
I come from a whole family who are BULLY'S and BI-POLAR and none of them know it. They think I am the problem. I have spent YEARS working on myself and trying to understand the dynamics of the family only to learn that I will probably NEVER break through to them......they are never wrong and that I cannot live with the DENIAL of almost every issue that comes up.
We have been estranged for many years and I am happier, and healthier for it.
SAD but TRUE. Sometimes ....ALL YOU CAN DO.............is SAVE yourself !
Last edited by BlessingsGalore; 04-11-2005 at 08:45 AM.
Thankyou for your reply. I had to laugh when I read it - all I think about is moving as far away from them as possible!! Yours sound very similar to mine - I have spent years in therapy - they think I'm crazy when I am actually the healthiest of all of them! And you're right, we can't ever talk things through because they deny there are any problems - they say it's all in my head!
Money is stopping me moving at the moment but I will do it as soon as I can! Glad to hear that it helped you. Thanks for posting
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
Posts: 447
Re: Family!
Hi Picali,
I just wanted to offer my support. I'm sorry your family is unsupportive. You would probably be suprised at how many families are like that. My husband's family is that way with me now, also. They were great for the first eight years we were together until I started having psychiatric problems. They believe it's an excuse.
If you get time, you might want to read a thread called "whats wrong with my mom?" I think by now its like on the fourth page or so of threads. We had a whole discussion going about the same topic a few weeks ago.
Hang in there, and come on line whenever you need anything. We're here for you!!
~~heather
Ps. What blessings said was true, we just moved 2,000 miles away from our families, and now what they think really doesn't seem to bother us anymore!!
Last edited by polarized13; 04-11-2005 at 12:14 PM.
Hi Picali! I am sorry your family is so unsupportive. A lot of times I think back to before I was sick, and I wonder if I WOULD believe that this was a real problem. After I had my baby, they told me I had ppd and I didn't believe it was a real problem. Then they said I was bipolar and I still needed more than one opinion. I think it is very very hard for people that don't have it to understand it. I know because I was one of them. I think that the more people who come out and talk about it makes more people aware that yes it is a REAL problem. I hope things improve for you. I sometimes think my coworkers think I am faking something or other. I just can't care, I have enough to worry about - LOL! Take care! Love, Lori
My family doesn't seem to understand me either. They always say you can do this or do that. It isn't that simple! I just wish they would be more supportive about it.
Also, I shared my being bipolar with a family member and they said "Your psycho?" I was pretty hurt by that.
__________________
Michele
Last edited by michele1975; 04-11-2005 at 02:29 PM.
Have to post again!!!!.....I agree that totally distancing yourself from them is the ONLY answer. I have "divorced" my family as my therapist calls it. I had to get a restraining order against an alcoholic brother-OH BOY!!!!! I am the healthiest and they think it is all me. They use the Bipolar issue against me all the time. I am SOOOOO much happier now that they are out of the picture and I can be me and be happy. I used to think that you needed your family to love and support you. They HAVE to act like a family first.....mine never will and it is now OK......I am OK......you will be OK......Kahlia
__________________
I have seen many things BUT the most terrible thing I have ever seen was the lack of compassion for another.....................Kahlia
Hmmm. I have problems with my in-laws too. I'm fairly stabilized but decided against having children years before I met my husband. I told him as soon as we even started getting serious.
Children are EVERYthing in their family and I pay dearly for for "not giving Mr. Ruth a child". Snide remarks, sarcasm... you name it.
My husband is FINE about it, but if I'd known how his family would be around my diagnosis I'd have been the first one to do what a few here have suggested.
MOVE FAR AWAY!
Sometimes FAMILY comes in the form of folks that do not share your DNA !
Mine have exhausted me for over 20 years and we are not out of square one, so finally I threw in the TOWEL. You can't change anyone but yourself. You can't save anyone but yourself.
LIFE MUST BE LIVED FORWARD, UNFORTUNATELY, IT CAN ONLY BE UNDERSTOOD BACKWARDS !!!
Thanks so much to everyone who's posted here - it's been a big help and I've actually been in tears (!) whilst reading because I always think it's just me - it's nice to know I'm not alone, although it's sad that so many people have had the same experiences.
So, any suggestions on where to move to?! Does seem to be the best option! I, like many of you, have been in therapy for years and have tried so many times to talk to my family, individually and collectively and you're right, it doesn't make any difference. The thing that's hardest are my nieces and nephews, I would hate not to be able to see them regularly, but I guess these things can always be explained to them when they're older.
Anyway, I shall stop wittering. Thankyou so much to everyone, it's really helped a lot
Well, here's where the advice gets a little shakey.
Moving is the IDEAL.
But, for many Bipolars the stress of moving and leaving family/friends behind, finding new job if working, new doctors, etc can be really really difficult.
It should be done after really exhausting the usual alternatives (cognitive therapy is one) to help deal with family issues.
And even then it should NOT be done too quickly or without planning.
And we all thought this was going to be easy, huh?
Hi ! Picali xx,
I think saying ' I know what you mean ', is perhaps the only place we can
honestly say this.
I know I feel so much better since sharing my problems and feelings with
others, who DO know how I feel.
I come from a very small family. Aside from my sister, that's IT ! She lives
three states over, and I am so proud of THAT !
We get along like two crossed sticks !lol. I was so glad when she moved away !lol.
She is so smart, and she thinks she knows just the RIGHT things to say to
EVERYBODY. She likes to counsel (know the type ?), and she's pretended to know how I feel for all these years, even though I know she doesn't have a clue !
We DO have a nice size immediate family, three Daughters and one Son, and five Grands., (who are adorable), but even though they are not far away,
they are always so busy, we really don't get together all at the same time very often.
I am looking forward to summer !
I always thought it would be soooo much fun to have a large family, but
my Husband is the oldest of six ! He has two sisters and one brother.
Even though we all live in the same state, they NEVER get together
but about once a year. He is not close to any of his syblings.
There is so much stigma that goes with my being BP, i'm sure they chatter
behind my back.
My husband does understand me, after going through all these touch times, with all of my STUFF, like working, and helping raise four Kids,
and being not only BiPolar, but having health problems too, for over twenty years, !
So, this is a good thing. (But, you know how it goes... ). ~~~~~
We see his Mom and Dad every week. My Father-in-Law is a Doctor, so he
does understand me. He has saved my life, more than a few times. And, I
can talk to him about most anything.
He is busy, since he retired several years ago, taking care of my
Mother-in-Law, who is very sick.
Speaking of moving.........., ' I would LOVE to ! ' We live in a small town,
and with all of the stigma attached to MDI, BiPolar and etc...........,
I just don't get out and socialize. I hate living here, as we live right on the main drag, RIGHT IN TOWN.
Wow ! I didn't mean to sound so **** negative..........., sounds like I AM
depressed.............., sorry.
I hope you find some answers soon. I see that you have some really GREAT
advice from all of these folks on here............,
Hello to ALL of You, Heather, Ruth, Lori, Kahali I miss talking to you all,
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
Posts: 447
Re: Family!
Hi everybody,
Wow, I just checked in to see if anyone had been on the board since last night, and you guys have been busy!! I'm so glad if I could be of help in any way. It is therapeutic to help others going through similar things that you've gone through yourself.
As far as your question, where you should move? Hmmm, I can't answer that, really. Somewhere that has affordable homes and plenty of jobs, so probably not California!! lol. Just kidding really. I will always love California. Now that I'm in the mid-west, it's really hard sometimes, to get used to the different lifestyle, and culture of this area. And I was definately spoiled by the weather.
I think if I had a choice, I would move to the south, I think they have such cute accents!!! For us, my husband got a job offer for us to move here, so it just worked out.
What Ruth said about it bieng stressfull to move, and find all new doctors, and stuff, is definately true. That has been really hard. Now that we are getting settled in, (almost 6 months now) and we are somewhat established, and the weather has warmed up, I really like it.
I feel truly independent for the first time in my life. I didn't realize how much my and my husbands family were a presence before. Our marriage and our family unit is much stronger now without their influence, despite all of my health problems. We really needed a change in our lives, and a way to sort of start over after everything we had gone through in the past couple of years.
If you do decide to move, just try and take the time you need to plan it out carefully, we only had about 2 months. We bought our home without ever even seeing it, we just saw pictures over the internet, but it's perfect for us. And our neighbors are incredibly friendly, and thoughtfull. They have made us feel so welcome here.
Family! 
Re: Family! 
Re: Family! 
Re: Family! 
Just kidding really. I will always love California. Now that I'm in the mid-west, it's really hard sometimes, to get used to the different lifestyle, and culture of this area. And I was definately spoiled by the weather. 
