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Old 04-16-2005, 04:48 AM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2005
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Shazzi HB User
Getting in a mood

I recently have recently been treated for Bipolar by my gp about a year ago. I have been told to seek counseling but havenít, and have gone off my meds months ago due to lack of insurance. I donít know where else to turn, and Iím really scared. Iím feeling a low coming on right now and I donít know if I can handle it again. Iím sorry if this is not gonna make any sense. My minds not making any sense right now so Iím sorry for the ramble.

The last series if meds I was on was Zoloft and Zyprexa and although I still had my highs and lows, they werenít as severe. Iím trying to understand as much as I can about bp, I donít understand how someone can just become like this. Is it really something you can be born with? Can it actually be hereditary? How?Ö

In my house emotions were not to be talked about. My Parents were not the greatest in the world but I can see that they tried. It may have been in the wrong way, as I kept falling deeper and deeper, and to them physiatrists just wanted to take your money and fry your brain.

Like me, my mother is Bipolar. As soon as my parents got divorced when I was 8 yrs old, I had to start taking care of my mother. Being an only child, I never had a brother or sister to take over, or to even talk to about it. I had to deal with her suicide attempts, I had to deal with her pain, anger, and every other emotion she had. There were times I would tell her I love her and she would sometimes look at me and say ďno you donít.. You want me dead.Ē If I were to get mad or cry, she would shake a bottle of pills in my face and start screaming about how I brought her to this situation and go lock herself in the bathroom. I can remember being 9 yrs old and seeing her lying on the couch stiffening up and almost foaming at the mouth, and the paramedic picking up the two empty pill bottles from the floor, and feeling like this was my fault. I did this to her.

I then quickly learned how not to show any form of emotion because it would upset her. I know she didnít mean to make me feel like that, I now know how hard it can be to live life feeling like the whole world is attacking you every day. I mean donít get me wrong, I love my mother, she was my best friend growing up. I wouldnít trade her for the world. But she was also the reason why Iíve been hurting inside all these years and Iím feeling guilty about that.

Ever sinse I was diagnosed, it kind of makes me wonder if what I have is an imbalance or was it created? My mother lived a horrible alcoholic, childhood, does she have an imbalance, or was it taught from what she was shown? Or is it both? Iím so confused! How does this happen? I hate the fact that my tangled state of mind is in control of my life.

Iím 34yrs old and now can see myself following in her footsteps, and what hurts me even more is how do I except the fact that all the scars I have left on my body from cutting myself, all the panic/anxiety attacks, all the flashbacks, all the confusion, all the irritability, all the feelings of hate and anger, all my fears and phobias, all the mood swings, and the highs/lows, could possibly be due to someone that means everything in the world to me. I feel so horrible for admitting that it was her fault and it was never mine. It was always supposed my fault! Wasn't it? Why couldnít everything just be o.k? Not terrific, not the best, but just o.k.? Why couldn't she be o.k.? Has anybody else felt like this? or is it just me? Does counseling really help? Or am I going to be like this for the rest of my life because I canít afford it? Is anybody afraid to go back to work because theyíre afraid of f***ing up again? Does anybody else feel like it's an effort just to pet your dog? Can you be in a good mood and all of a sudden out of nowhere feel a bad mood coming on and there is nothing you can do to stop it? Please say Iím not the only one. Please say Iím gonna be o.k. someday.

 
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Old 04-16-2005, 05:28 AM   #2
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goofyafter2 HB User
Re: Getting in a mood

YES, YES, AND YES! I do believe that it can be hereditary. I am also not sure what causes it. Some kind of hormonal imbalance, but I am not sure how they get out of whack. They told me after I had my baby is when mind got all mixed up. Not sure. I guess its as good a reason as any. I feel so bad that you had to grow up that way. I would think that you should go to some kind of clinic and find out how you can get back on your meds. If you need them, you need them. Why risk any kind of negative behavior when you have a history of it? I also believe that you would benefit from counseling. It DOES get better. I went through the whole denial thing too. I would take my meds on and off, I refused therapy and then when I did go, I didn't "click" with her, so it didn't help.

I am now in therapy with a woman I like and trust, likewise with my pdoc. We are working on getting the right combo for me, and it is difficult. But I realize it would be a LOT more difficult to start all over again.

Now that I can't shut up, I will let you go. Please let us know what you decide and please get some help. You are the only one who can help you, but sometimes you need a push. So heres A BIG SHOVE - LOL! Take care! Love, Lori

 
Old 04-16-2005, 08:27 AM   #3
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Kahlia25 HB User
Exclamation Re: Getting in a mood

I have gone from mad to glad in 2 seconds. BiPolar disorder is a chemical imbalance. You have a few options...there are many mental health clinic that work on a sliding scale fee-I go to one. You definately need to get back on your meds.....1st and foremost. You will only go from bad to bad......I hope that you can get it together and find some medical help.....is there anyway you can find a women's center in your area? They also help with these issues.....Please do something and you may not feel better right away but it is a start......BLessings....Kahlia
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I have seen many things BUT the most terrible thing I have ever seen was the lack of compassion for another.....................Kahlia

 
Old 04-28-2005, 09:49 PM   #4
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 12
Shazzi HB User
Re: Getting in a mood

Thanks for your advice, and I apologize for my first post. I was getting down and overwhelmed and had nowhere to turn. That night, I was told by a few of my roommates to ďSnap out of it!Ē Yeah, like Iím having fun here! It made me feel like I just wanted to give up even more.

I now found a place where I think I can get help, and Iím gonna to try to get there tomorrow. Iím not sure if they can help me with my meds, but hey, itís a start right?

Anyway, thanks to those who were out there. Youíre like the only ones that seem be so supportive and not turn your backs and judge. That kind of makes me feel like Iím not the only one.

Bless you all.
Shaz.

 
Old 04-29-2005, 06:59 PM   #5
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
Posts: 441
polarized13 HB User
Re: Getting in a mood

Shazzi,

I'm so sorry I didn't read your post sooner. I hope you're still around.

Wow, you had it tough growing up. I can only imagine. I wen't through my own kinds of trauma when I was a child also, and I know that can make things harder to cope with than just plain ol' mental illness. As if that wasn't enough.

You shouldn't feel like you need to snap out of anything. Have your roomates had to deal with the things you are? You have every right to be frustated and confused about everything going on with you. The whole hereditary thing is complicated and not even completely known for sure, but we are where we are, no matter how we got here, right?

I'm not going to write anymore until I know you're around still, but you can get a lot of support here, this is a great group. Please come back and we'll talk more.

take care,

~~heather~~

 
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