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Old 05-28-2005, 07:33 AM   #1
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Ahlotta HB User
Unhappy Very Very Sad, I just need an ear I guess

HI, I am not sure if I am even posting on the right boards or not, Iwas diagnoed with bipolar disorder about 6 years ago, and my marriage has not been the same since. It is almost like my husband blames me for my illness and everything I do is wrong. It is breaking my heart, he criticizes me so severly that the only thing I can ever do is drink or just stopping taking my meds to escape the pain. To make things worse I know he is having an affair, I guess if our thirteen year old can see it I should too.But of course he denies it. Just like he did to his x wife when we had our affair.. Today is about day 6 of a deep deep depression, I have tried to commit suicide 3 times, twice in the last two years because of the pain, this last time I almost did not make it. I am getting scared because i am getting to that dark place where I am spiraling again,I am okay But I can feel it.. to where i am hanging on by a thread, and I just keep looking at my children trying to hang on. Has this illness made me weak to the fact that I am not even my own person anymore and I allow my husband to completley destory me,, worse than I can do by myself anyways.... I just need some advice, I am really sad, WHen I look for him to be there he yells at me for having an illness and not being perfect everyday without being as strong as I used to be before my first break. If I have an argument with our teenager he tells me how I have ruined another day in the house. I am just gettign deeper in that dark place and I am not sure what to do, when I got out of the hospital 4 months ago the doctor told my husband the first three months were crucial and he needed to help me, and he hasn't ....Every time I asked for help he ignored me and just kept criticizing me.... Any thougths woudl be wonderful I am pretty sad today.
The worst part is he says how much he loves me and my entire family is just waiting for the white flag to go up and rescue me. He tells me that why woudl he stay with someone who had an illness unless he loved them?? MY family tells me he is destroying me, I am just confussed and sad.... Any Ideas?

Last edited by Ahlotta; 05-28-2005 at 08:04 AM.

 
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Old 05-28-2005, 08:57 AM   #2
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Picali HB User
Re: Very Very Sad, I just need an ear I guess

Hi Ahlotta

I was so sorry to read about what you're going through - coping with the illness is tough on its own, as are marital problems, but the two together must be almost impossible.

I can't think of any quick fixes but I guess you knew that already? All I can think of is (a) counselling? either for you on your own to work through your feelings or as a couple to see if you can salvage anything? (b) taking a break? I don't know how practical this is (money, kids, house etc) or how you'd feel about it? It doesn't sound like he's treating you well and it certainly won't be helping your illness, but I know that sometimes your heart doesn't listen to what your head is telling you. Could your family help out if he moved out for a few weeks? Could you cope if he didn't come back? I guess it boils down to what you're hoping for and whether that's realistic. Does sound as if your illness makes a good excuse for blaming you rather than him accepting blame?

Whichever way you look at it, the situation isn't healthy (and I guess not for your kids either) but it's how much strength you've got right now that's difficult? Can you talk to the doctor about medication to get rid of the depression - it would be one less thing to worry about?

I don't know if any of that helps. My heart goes out to you - I've been where you are now and I know how tough it is. Keep posting - we're all here for you and happy to listen whenever you need to let off steam.

Lots of love

Picali xx

 
Old 05-28-2005, 09:00 AM   #3
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Zbaby HB User
Re: Very Very Sad, I just need an ear I guess

Ahlotta - your family is absolutely right, this man is destroying you whether he knows it or not. Please seek out your family and find out if you can literally take shelter with them. You might ask if they could put up your kids, too.

It sounds like your kids recognize how destructive your husband's behavior is. They'll probably want to go with you as you separate yourself from him. I'm not suggesting divorce right now -- you're too vulnerable to make any major decisions like that. I think you need some time away from him to recover, regain your strength, and be around people who will nurture you rather than criticize constantly. I would not even touch the "other woman" issue with a 10 ft. pole right now because you've got to take care of yourself first and worry about his problems later.

Please make sure to surround yourself with people who love you in healthy and caring ways. You've got to be selfish now for your own survival and get as much medical help as you can. Also, please stop self-medicating with alcohol, too. You may be more of a danger to yourself now than he is, but he's capable of putting you over the edge if things continue as they have been.

My thoughts are with you. Please keep us posted on your progress and keep on keeping on, if not for yourself, then for the sake of your family.

Zbaby

 
Old 05-28-2005, 09:11 AM   #4
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maniasterisk HB User
Re: Very Very Sad, I just need an ear I guess

Ahlotta ~ You did an excellent job of explaining your situation. I fully appreciate where you're coming from (sounds like your husband and my wife are cut from similar cloth).

Keep faith in YOURSELF.

Do what you need to do to rally your inner strength.

Everything the other respondents (Zbaby and Picali) said was great...

I tend to go straight to our "organism". Get outside. Suck up some sunlight (and not just for 20 seconds). Take a walk or do some sort of OUTDOOR activity that will help your natural "systems" to feel enlightenned...

Do it. For YOU !!!


~ M* ~

~ Despite my own life being like San Francisco after the quake of 1906 ~ I STILL make sure I take HOURS to play golf or volleyball or something that gets me out of the house. I know it's tough with kids. Take them with you. Go to the park. Toss a frisbee. They'll love it !!!

 
Old 05-28-2005, 09:53 AM   #5
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Ahlotta HB User
Re: Very Very Sad, I just need an ear I guess

All of your kind words are so much appreciated, The worst feeling is ....... feeling alone and being so emberrased around my family that I have (am ) being treated this way, it makes me wanna hide, becasue they love me too much to see me in pain.....My mother is just waiting for me to say the word and her and my family will be here in a second to move me out.. My step mom is a sheriff and has acyually been talking to my real mother about what it woudl take to get me outtta here.. I am just so scared, of what I am not sure, maybe of the fact of truly admitting to myself that it's over.. I guess I am his fourth wife.
The thing about gettign outside is a wonderful thing because I always feel better after I am out in the sun.
God Bless Everyone who wrote back because it means so much to me, I really don't get out often and I have lost most of my friends due to my marriage..
Thank You

 
Old 05-28-2005, 11:07 AM   #6
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Join Date: Dec 2003
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Very Very Sad, I just need an ear I guess

Ahlotta, you certainly are not alone here. We're nice, but we're honest. It's part of the big plus for being anonymous but a closely monitored site.

That said, the bad news is that your husband is abusing you.
The good news is that you know that or you wouldn't have looked for help...

This isn't advice, this is looking back and wishing that someone had said this to ME:

Call your Mother and your family pick you up!
Make an appt with a good counselor. At some point you may decide to ask your husband if he would like to sit in on a session.
Don't be surprised if your husband makes this all out to be your fault. Most abusers do.
You don't have to be physically struck to be damaged by abuse. I lived with verbal, emotional, mental & sexual abuse for 3 yrs. I think physical wounds heal quicker...

It's NOT wrong that you love this man - but that doesn't mean that it's healthy to live with him. I loved my abuser until the day that he died but that doesn't mean that I had to be around him to do so.

You are his 4th wife? Once you are safely at your Mom's and working on starting a new independent life for yourself think about contact a few of his ex-wives. I'd bet that they also were mistreated.

I do want you to keep telling yourself that no one has the right to treat you this way & "I am better than this"
BECAUSE YOU ARE!!!

(We're here for you!)

 
Old 05-28-2005, 12:30 PM   #7
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Picali HB User
Re: Very Very Sad, I just need an ear I guess

Ahlotta

Don't be embarrassed around your family - they love you and they accept you as you are. None of us are perfect and we've all been in relationships that weren't good for us (in fact I haven't had a healthy relationship yet!). Go and stay with them for a bit - you don't have to make a permanent decision now, just buy yourself a bit of breathing space and concentrate on getting yourself well again.

Let us know how you get on

Picali xx

 
Old 05-28-2005, 09:08 PM   #8
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Ahlotta HB User
Re: Very Very Sad, I just need an ear I guess

Well when my husband came home i talked to him about seperating and he came through the roof, of course and you were all right everything is all my fault. His big thing is that if i have an "episode" as he calls it, and he is not there, what will happen, ... I tried to explain to him that with out him, I can be me, and i can make my children happy , that maybe we could save our marriage, maybe, I told him that I can't do this anymore and he screamed at me and told me this was it, the straw that broke the camels back, and he got in my face and said don't you ever forget, you did this.....and said get out blah blah blah, My reply was according to the bible he has to leave me..LOL
I just want to be happy and I need to breathe, it is so heavy and tiring to be beat on emotionally all the time, although I am no better with him, because everything is getting hard again, even doing the dishes. but damn, if he woudld be where he says he was and did not have women's numbers on his cell I would not put him under the microscope. and my gosh at christmas the security guard let me and my children through the gate at his work because I said that is my husband with a woman leaning over his car.. He told me I was delusional.. Gimme a break...
It is funny you mention an x wife, I did talk to her once but she said some creepy things to me like he tried to get her on medication for depression and other things.. Either they speak quite often or somethign is really wrong , it was too coincidental.. She did say he was hard on her kids, and that he is, so hard sometimes I cry about how much he hates my first daughter from a previous relationship.......
The thing that I don't understand is everyone we knew even my family said they had never seen two people so in love, and We were, but that was seven years ago .I could see into the man's soul. Now we barely speak and he says it is all my illness and my fault...
thanks for lending an ear again.

 
Old 05-29-2005, 09:48 AM   #9
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Christine2005 HB User
Re: Very Very Sad, I just need an ear I guess

Yes, Ahlotta, and after your walk in the sun, call your mom, your step mom and all the rest of your family members who support you and get the heck out of there. You can always reconcile later if you are meant to be with him but not if you are beyond the point of no return. Save yourself! You have the right whatever it takes.

 
Old 05-29-2005, 03:14 PM   #10
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BethyGirlie HB User
Re: Very Very Sad, I just need an ear I guess

You are in a toxic relationship. I'm sure most of us have been in one before, and I have been in the boat where I thought that I needed someone to be happy in my life. He cheated on me, I tried to kill myself (I cut myself, hit myself, etc.) and all I did was lay around and listen to sad music all day long. Bottom line? I finally realized that I didn't need him to be happy, and I discovered that the thing that made me happiest was treating myself to things and the smell of success when I realized that the only one that I needed was me.
You seem like a wonderful person, and you care about what happens to your kids. But all I can say is if your child "sees" that he is cheating on you (and if you think he is) then he/she should be able to be explained to that this is not a healthy thing to be around and that you are trying to make a new life for yourself. You deserved not to be pushed into a depression. You deserve not to be critisized. You need to realize that this man is inhibiting your recovery potential. For him to say "I must love you if I'm sticking around when you have an illness" is just a controlling tactic. He wants this to outweigh any mental abuse/cheating that he could dish out. Don't put up with it. Start your life over. Like they say "This is the first day of the rest of your life. It is up to you."
Love yourself. You deserve all the happiness in the world. We're all here for you.

 
Old 05-29-2005, 04:58 PM   #11
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mudhound HB User
Re: Very Very Sad, I just need an ear I guess

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth6:11
Ahlotta, you certainly are not alone here. We're nice, but we're honest. It's part of the big plus for being anonymous but a closely monitored site.

That said, the bad news is that your husband is abusing you.
The good news is that you know that or you wouldn't have looked for help...

This isn't advice, this is looking back and wishing that someone had said this to ME:

Call your Mother and your family pick you up!
Make an appt with a good counselor. At some point you may decide to ask your husband if he would like to sit in on a session.
Don't be surprised if your husband makes this all out to be your fault. Most abusers do.
You don't have to be physically struck to be damaged by abuse. I lived with verbal, emotional, mental & sexual abuse for 3 yrs. I think physical wounds heal quicker...

It's NOT wrong that you love this man - but that doesn't mean that it's healthy to live with him. I loved my abuser until the day that he died but that doesn't mean that I had to be around him to do so.

You are his 4th wife? Once you are safely at your Mom's and working on starting a new independent life for yourself think about contact a few of his ex-wives. I'd bet that they also were mistreated.

I do want you to keep telling yourself that no one has the right to treat you this way & "I am better than this"
BECAUSE YOU ARE!!!

(We're here for you!)
I agree with Ruth 100%. It reaks of abuse and it's just not what a husband or wife should be doing to one another. Get out as soon as you can.
__________________
God Bless

Mudhound

 
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