How does raising children and having this illness play a role together? - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

angelblue65 · 06-08-2005, 08:18 AM

Before I ask my questions, I wanted to quickly update anyone who caught my quick post last week - my BF's son fortunately did not lose his eye sight (he got hit in the eye with a paintball while visiting his mom's). Although he's not completely out of the water, the worst is over.

Also real quick - my BF and I have had the most amazing conversations over the last month since our big blowout. Not that I would wish it again but I am almost glad it happened (as we almost broke up) because it really opened BOTH our eyes and things have dramatically changed on both our parts. I'm so hopeful with everything and our relationship and he's really really trying, as am I. He's so much more open about his BP and we discuss it in such a productive way. I'm very positive about things right now.

But there's always a "but"........

I may have mentioned, I can't remember, that there have been some problems with his two sons (whom he has custody of). They are 15 and 13 and the younger one is giving my BF a run for his money. I think, and this is only my opinion, that my BF is more lenient with them and not consistent in the discipline area because he is so afraid of repeating what his father did to him (certainly understandable) but he realizes this and is working on it.

My questions are - if anyone here has raised or is raising children, how does their behavior (assuming there is at least one other parent here that is going through something similar) affect you when you are trying so hard to keep an even keel just dealing with this illness? For example, my BF can be in the most loving mood, or just happy in general joking around, etc.. and all it takes is one horrific argument be it between the two boys or him and one of his sons and he's "done" for the rest of the day and there's no getting him out of the sadness he feels.

I'm wondering how much of the guilt he feels (not warranted in my opinion) is due to his illness when they attack him and his motives? Does having BP cause people to be more prone to feeling guilty, unworthy, or just feel like you're not doing a good job. The kids don't show him any respect and they expect the world. Being grounded does nothing for the learning process of not repeating past mistakes. Being that I don't have children of my own, this is all new to me yet I'm not ignorant to the role of common sense and being a good role model. I just don't get where he's going wrong in their eyes.

My other question is - how much does having BP affect your children? Both my therapist as well as my BF's have said that children react and respond when seeing that one of their parents is "not well." I get that. But then, when we try to do something for them i.e. get them involved with a sport or other program, take them somewhere on the weekend, etc., they refuse - but then they turn around and say we don't do anything for them and play the victim and "life is tough" - it makes me want to pull my hair out.

My BF is getting to the point where he doesn't want to do it any more (be the Dad who doesn't get any respect, love, thanks, etc..) and I can't blame it. Yet I know he'd regret it if he sent them to live with their Mom because he knows in his heart she is unstable and not responsible.

I know this is not my role or responsibility yet I would like some advice on how to be there for him. My BF has always allowed me to be involved be it asking me for advice on what he should do, consults me on decisions regarding their school, punishment, activities, etc.. and I'm thankful for that. I know a lot of relationships, the GF or BF is left to feel like an outsider and it's never been like that for me. It's just so hard to see him taking it and taking it without any relief in sight.

Oh, this was all brought on because we have to move (not to another town mind you) but only one street over because the landlord raised our rent $200/month which we cannot afford. I had a softball game last night and he chose to talk to them about getting their room packed and helping me (because my BF, with his knee injury, can't move stuff - and I won't let him anyways). You would think we were moving them to another country. They said some pretty lousy things to him and he was in tears by the time I got home.

I know teenagers can be awful (I remember.....) but this goes beyond the normal teenage angst and it's really affecting him which of course worries me.

polarized13 · 06-08-2005, 10:26 AM

Hi Angel,

I'm glad your bf son didn't lose his eyesight, I know that must have been scary for all of you. I know a little about raising boys, my son will be 13 in January, and although he's a really good kid for the most part, he has that way about him that boys do at that age of being really good at pushing buttons. I have to constantly remind myself that he's just bieng a pre-teen boy. It takes a lot of energy and willpower sometimes to deal with it, and it does add to my stress. We have always shared custody, and spent equal time with our son, but for the past six months he has lived primarily with his Dad since we moved. The topic of your thread is the exact point his attorney is going to use in order to fight me for custody of him. Basically saying that because I'm bipolar, I can't handle the stress and difficulty involved in raising him. It does affect my condition, there is no doubt. I don't have all the answers, I wish I did. All I know is that I love my child, and I'm flying to California to go to court and do my best to convince the Judge that even with my condition, I can be a good mother, and appropriately handle raising a teen-age boy. (Today is my daughter's sixth birthday, and she is just a sweetheart, no problems at all with her,we'll talk in a few years, and see if that has changed)

The only thing more complicated and challenging than being a parent ( or trying to become one again..) is having a mental condition that makes you and everyone around you question your ability to cope with life and all the difficulties that come along with it.

You seem to think that your bf's sons have problems that go beyond normal teenage behavior, and if the current studies are right, and this illness is hereditary, then it's very possible that they're showing early signs of having bipolar themselves. Has he had them evaluated to see if a profesional can help?

~~heather~~

Hedgehog No 1 · 06-08-2005, 10:54 AM

AB 65

I can offer a chunk of advice on this one - unfortunately I don't have the time right now - check in tomorrow for some detailed help and advice - best I can do for now.

Hedge.

angelblue65 · 06-08-2005, 12:08 PM

Hedge - any help at ANY TIME is help to me the way I see it! I appreciate you checking in and I'll look forward to the advice for sure. And by the way, as I meant to post earlier - congrats on the up and coming Big Day!!

Heather - as always, you are here to offer advice and as always, plenty of good stuff to read! You know, it is very possible that either boy if not both are displaying early signs of BP; then again, I've been reading up on how depression affects children and the younger one is displaying behaviors consistent with "reaching out for attention." Because my BF is SOOOOO sensitive when it comes to how he and his illness affects his sons' lives, I just cannot be the one to suggest that either of them may have BP. There has been a long drawn out red-tape-of-a-system in finding a physician as well as a pdoc for them. The physician they started seeing (who we wanted to send the younger one back to to make sure everything physically is ok) sent us a letter saying he's retiring. Nice of him to let us know when he took them on as new patients, huh? Now we are on the hunt to find another one who will take the state's health insurance we have for them. And finding a pdoc has been even more difficult. The school counselor gave us a couple of leads but we can't even get call backs. They will be leaving to go to their mom's and grandmother's for the summer and they do not have day to day insurance coverage when out of state. They love visiting with their grandmother so it might do some good for all to have the break. Coming back home the end of the summer and getting established with all new doctors at that time looks like what's going to happen. Of course my co-dependency tendencies tempt me to step in and take care of everything. My BF is so distraught and in the "I give up" mode that I know he's not seeing a clear plan of attack right now. So I know what needs to be done but when I asked my therapist about doing anything, she said I can't and that I have to stop enabling (hmmm, Heather, where have I heard that before, huh?

). I feel like my head is about to explode with everything I've learned just in the last few months.

I certainly don't want to coddle the boys and make it into a good guy/bad guy parental relationship. I know enough that it's not good to be their pal while Dad does all the disciplining. I do walk the fine line of not overstepping boundaries and my BF tells me all the time how happy he is about our "family" and the way I handle things. It's just so frustrating to watch a situation continually get worse. I'm hoping the summer will be just the break everyone needs before starting fresh.

Heather, I both commend and admire you for your strength, courage, determination, and love for your son. Taking on the system, especially a prejudiced one at that will be a task but I would hope that shows something to the courts that you are willing to do so for your son. It's ironic in that my BF has the BP yet he is so much more stable and responsible and loving to his kids than their mom has ever been. And what's her excuse? I feel bad that mental health issues hold such a negative connotation in the system.

I'm sorry if I missed something on the boards here - the last I read, you had spoken to your ex and it sounded like he was backing off a bit - did he change his tune again? All I can say is I wish you the very best of luck with that!

polarized13 · 06-08-2005, 04:39 PM

Angel,

No, you haven't missed anything, my ex changes his mind so often, I don't have time to post every time it happens.....

It's funny you know, I'm the one with the mood disorder, but HE'S the one who keeps playing games and going back and forth, one minute he is being cool, and wanting to work things out for my son to come out here, and the next minute he has changed his mind, and won't even speak to me about it. I do understand that he's benevolent about the whole situation, and he will miss his son being so far away and all that. He also knows that our son is old enough now to be able to choose, and he will resent his father for not letting him have a say. He says that he sees now that staying where he is now is what's best for him, (not to mention it will save his Dad a bundle in child support, and air fare) I keep trying to be understanding, but that ends when you have to take out a loan to hire a high-powered attorney, and you worry about the effect the stress will have on your own family, and wonder how much the stress has effected your own health (and if it could have triggered the miscarriage....)

I may very well lose the fight, I realize that, but I have to do what I have to do. My son wants to be with me, and I feel guilty already for moving so far away, like I abandoned him, I have to at least do everything I can to get him back here. I would like to think that just moving back home is a real option, but it really isn't at this point in our lives. I just hope the court has some respect for people who move away if they have to find employment instead of staying where they are, and collecting from the state. I know some people look down on me for moving away and leaving my son with his Dad, but I was assured that we would continue to keep sharing custody. I have done some things to help my case, like taping my conversations with my ex, and I can only hope that things work out for us.

We'll see how much the whole bipolar thing comes into play, my attorney thinks he can put a positive spin on it since I have been doing so well since my diagnosis and treatment, and I have kept careful records of everything ~ just in case...the day will come when he will definately be old enough to decide where he wants to be, without the court being involved at all, and I know in the long run I will have a good, close relationship with my son.

Anyhow, it sounds like have thought through the possibilities that the boys may need some professional help, and that you're doing all you can to be supportive without crossing that line. I wish you luck, and I hope you guys have a good summer!!

~~heather~~