A dark post, but curious. - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

JustDave4now · 06-10-2005, 08:17 AM

I have odd question, has anyone ever heard of any ties between BP and
Suppressed rage or anger? Not getting angry, but holding anger in for many years squished down.

This is kind of dark, so forgive me, but I have been in counseling for 20
Years because of two things. First I was extremely sad most of the time
And had dark thoughts of ending it. (this I fixed with counseling and
A lot of hard cognitive work.) and Second, I had a feeling of almost a constant
Suppressed rage just below my skin. I grew up abused with my father who drank to much and hit too hard. I also had a horrible time in school, and had
All kinds of mental scars that never healed.

This left me like a coiled spring, that at the slightest offense I would become
Very dangerous. This I tried to defuse with talk therapy, and always failed.
The closest I ever came, was the councilor was able to get me to sell all my
Guns (which was a good thing, given my rage) and stop my drugs back in
my 20’s, which wasn’t helping me.

But twenty years latter, I still carry the same Rage I had when I was 20, this
Horrible need to protect myself, and hurt anyone who tries to hurt me or my
Family, and it hasn’t gone away, no matter how much I work on it.

Until recently that is, I have found my new Med, the Lithium uncoils it completely. For the first time in a very long time I am no longer angry or anxious or irritable. Someone cut me off the other day, which would have sent me Into a two hour tirade normally, and I just shook my head at him and kept Going. The Rage is just gone, its very odd not to have it anymore.

So I am thinking, could it be biological, and not psychological Like I have
Been thinking all these years. Could BP cause you to hold anger in
Like a cork, and stop you from letting go of your mood. It sounds like it would do the opposit and make it change, but I don't know..

Or maybe its just a side effect of the lith. But I have been on the best
Of the anti anxiety meds, it has never even helped with this.

Its nice to find calm waters, when I always had storm seas.

I could be reaching.. Still puzzling it out.

angelblue65 · 06-10-2005, 08:28 AM

Hi Dave,
I just had to respond - you've posed a very interesting question and one I am extremely intrigued to hear what others who have this illness have to say. My BF is BPII and he confided in me a couple of months ago about this very same rage and what he has told me in bits and pieces since sounds like he could have written your post! He also had a traumatic childhood including a father who was relentless in his verbal abuse (and a couple of times physical).

I strongly believe that all this anger he has carried around with him for so so long has been due to the fact he never was able to process what happened to him as a child and it has manifested itself as PTSD. He has seen many pdocs and counselors, all pretty much having the same results as you; however, he started seeing a new therapist who does EMDR therapy. My own counseling sessions involve this type of therapy and what it does is "move your stuff that is stuck" and has worked wonders for patients who have PTSD.

The fact that you have responded well to the lithium is awesome. That must feel great that you don't feel that underlying rage. I hope at some point my BF finds the same peace. I know ongoing stress plays a big role if the rage was there to begin with and it just makes it worse with stress.

I'm sorry I've rambled because I know I haven't actually answered your question but I wanted you to know you are not the only one out there who feels the way you do. I'm going to copy my BF on this to show him he's not alone. Thanks for sharing this!

jessid · 06-10-2005, 08:35 AM

i, too, had a *tremendous* amount of anger and would snap at the drop of a hat some days. since the lith, i've mellowed. to me, it sounds like the meds are working! how do you like it so far??

JustDave4now · 06-10-2005, 02:08 PM

To be honest I like it,

I feel I haven't given up a thing, like I don't have foggy brain and its not hard for me to get up in the morning or anything. I find I can still write stories and poetry, and I seem to have a very level way at looking at things.

I was very sceptical about LIthium, it has such a bad boy rap. I wonder If its going to change or something on me. I am still up for one more increase on Saturday, hoping it will go smooth and not change me too much. If I start getting foggy brain I will be so dissapointed, its worked well so far.

I am going to do some research and find out if there is any connection between lithium and anger management. Maybe we are unique.

Ruth6:11 · 06-10-2005, 06:30 PM

Interesting - I had an Ozzie & Harriet type childhood, no anger or rage even when I was at my most mania'd point.
So nothing changed for me in that respect being on lithium -

I wonder if there is anyone here who had a basically normal childhood who DOES have problem with extreme rage/anger???