angelblue65

Ok, we all know my story so I don't need to go into the background again but this (depression) is my main focus right now because it's primarily what my BF is experiencing. I've gone to the Depression Board (and ventured into the PTSD as well) and no place is as helpful, insightful and selfless as this board. Now - to formulate my question(s) without creating a book....

Ok, the first time I experienced seeing my BF in a depressive state, it was about 6 or 7 months after his car accident and not working. He had been extremely stable (as I see it now) while NOT on any meds and the only hypomania that was evident was not needing much sleep and being able to function. But I had no idea, none really, what he was really going through and what not working was doing to him, his pride, etc.. For about two months, he really withdrew and this was before I started educating myself on any of this. There was no intimacy with the exception of cuddling and I thought there was something wrong with me.

Then he seemed to come out of it "somewhat" the beginning of this year only to have our arguments getting worse with the anger and irritation. Now that area is so much better, intimacy returned (and very good), but the depression is manifesting itself in different forms. Now he is displaying tremendous feelings of guilt, unworthiness, "why do I love him" and "I don't deserve this" (being with "someone like him"), self hatred, saying maybe he deserves all this (signs of PTSD?), and sleeps all the time. Having chronic pain (his knee that never healed) and not working of course has played the most vital role in his depression.

So ok, my questions -

does depression show itself in many different variations?

I've read a post and other places on what to say/what not to say to a depressed person so I have that down pretty well but what else can a SO do for someone who's depressed?

Depression makes you want to sleep all the time, not have the desire to do anything, etc.. Should I just let my BF sleep (i.e. - he slept 'til 2 p.m. last Sunday and most weekends it's never before 11 a.m. and during the week at least 2-3 days out of the week I come home and he's in bed) or should I get him up and try to do something fun?

Does depression get in the way of your personality? Meaning, all the things he used to say and do (send me text messages, call me sometimes during the day while I'm at work, etc.) has gone away. His explanation (before when I thought something was wrong with us) was that relationships change, ebb and flow, and we're together every day so why should he do these things. Now that he's more open, he's admitted that he's not himself but doesn't have enough to go around.

We are in the process of moving and having to go pretty quickly so we can talk our current landlord into letting us out of our lease a month early. But 6 days went by without him packing anything. I had to say something (I did it as nicely as I could) because I'm working and he's not and I don't have the time to do it all. I try to be as understanding as possible with what he's going through but I also don't want to make things too easy for him too. Does that make sense? So does having depression just kill all your energy and cloud your judgment on what you would normally do?

When I pointed out that I need his help he got so down on himself and said that he keeps ***** up and that's when he asked why I love him. So when you are depressed, do you not want to hear about contructive criticism (even when it's presented in a nice calm manner) from your SO?

And if he's been so faithful with his meds (lithium, lexapro, topamax), why aren't they keeping him more stable? I don't expect him to be jumping for joy given all the current circumstances but I would think that being on meds would not allow someone to fall so deeply. Thankfully, he's working with a new pdoc to make some adjustments.

I sometimes feel like I just make things worse. But I also want to keep up some kind of normalcy in our lives and not feed into his depression. Maybe that's wrong. Yet I don't want to baby him because I know he'll just feel smothered. I already know to have my own life - which I've made many changes with lately - I just want to know how to be when I'm around my BF.