My son did not have insurance when he reached the end of his rope. Fortunately he knew about County Mental Health. He walked in and told them he needed help NOW. They understood what he was saying and got him in that morning.
The Doctor put him on Lamictal, provided by the drug company for people without insurance. He has been on it 6 months and he is doing well. Keep trying Restless heart.. there is help out there.I dont know which country you are in. But the USA does have clinics and such for people who desperately need mental health care. It sounds like you fit the description.