This weekend just made me believe even more that I am bipolar. While I don't have the severe manic episodes that some people have, there was definitely something going on. And all the time this happening, it was like all I could do was watch. I had no control over my feelings, and little control over my words. Especially when I was in the irritable stages. But, I kept thinking that I needed to pay attention and try to be aware of what I was doing/feeling, and remember it all. That way after it seemed to be over I could review what happened. Sounds crazy doesn’t it.
Let me know what you think.
On Saturday morning I was angry. Just annoyed and irritated at anything and everything. Then, in the afternoon I was bummed. It was just a general blue feeling, with intermittent spurts of anger at various things. Then I took a long nap, and just bummed around the rest of the afternoon. Then that night I went to the neighbor’s house and felt pretty okay. Not really happy, but okay.
So Sunday, I woke up irritable again. I was just annoyed and mad at the world in general. Then mid-morning/afternoon I felt guilty. I felt like everyone was mad at me and that I was doing everything wrong. I had a burst of energy at the same time, and got lots of housework done. Then Sunday night, I was back to being irritable. But, I was happy at the same time. It was weird. I was in a good mood, but quick to be upset/angered.
Monday morning I was depressed when I got up. I didn’t want to go out and be social with the family; I just wanted to stay home all day long. At the same time I was very annoyed with my best friend, and had some major anxiety going on. Then, when we got to the 4th of July party, I was happy again. My mood was pretty good and I was having a decent time. Then, on the way home I was suddenly sleepy and the guilt feelings were coming back. I get in this mood where all I can do is apologize to my husband. I start feeling guilty for feeling sick (mentally & physically) all the time, and I just say I’m sorry over and over to him. And, I keep asking him what’s wrong and if he is okay and if he is mad at me… you get the idea. So then, last night as I’m trying to go to sleep, I become overwhelmingly depressed over my body. I start crying and thinking; “I hate this body”. I am obese and have been having troubles getting the motivation / energy for exercise and eating healthy. Then I apologized to my husband again for being such a nuisance all the time and costing us so much money with doctor’s bills and stuff and for not trying harder to lose weight. And of course, apologizing for not being the perfect & beautiful wife he deserves. Then after that I had a very hard time sleeping. My mind was racing with all the thoughts of what I was doing wrong and what I should be doing. Then it went to worry that no one believes me that something is wrong and maybe I’m just being stupid and making it up in my head. Eventually, I drifted off and don’t remember much of anything else.
So what do y’all think? I think that is a pretty good example of some very definite episodes ranging from hypomania to depression, don’t you? Or, is this explosion of moods (which happens to me a lot of the time) normal?
