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Old 07-10-2005, 02:35 PM   #1
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Unhappy I think I'm crazy

Hi everyone! I'm new to this board, but after realizing I have a problem I decided to come here and see if anyone can help me.

I KNOW there is something wrong with me, but I'm not quite sure what. I think I'm bipolar...but I'm not sure if it is bipolar or borderline. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and was on meds for years but I quit taking them...they didn't seem to help. I think I was misdiagnosed.

Here is the problem. I am VERY impulsive and lately I have been one big mess. I feel like I'm on a downward spiral and everyone notices it. I have lost so many friends and relationships because of my "craziness." If I got a nickel for every time someone called me a psycho I would be rich.

I go through periods of time where all I will do is cry and lay in bed...I barely can take care of myself. I won't eat or shower for days. Then after that period of time I will do the craziest, most impulsive things. I will spend lots of money, drink like there is no tomorrow, and I am very hypersexual. I feel like I have no control over many things in my life because I react then think later.

I don't think I have the mania I have heard of though. It's rarely ever a euphoric feeling for me it's more heightened energy/rage/aggression. I will start talking 100 miles an hour where no one can keep up with what I'm saying yet I just can't slow down and I can't stop acting inappropriate. I will go from being nice to someone to being mean and cussing at them the next. Now you can see why I have problems in relationships. I don't know how to stop this.

Past couple nights I have been calling this guy I was dating repeatedly. He left me a vm saying that the first voicemail was sorta nice then I "snapped" and left the nastiest message he's ever heard. I get so mad at people sometimes I feel like I just want to hit them or cuss them out. I overreact I know I do. But what makes me wonder if I'm really borderline is how (esp in dating situations) I will LOVE that person one minute then I will HATE them the next and I make it known to them. I did some terribly impulsive things to my ex-fiance. I even sat fire to his clothes out front of my apartment and ran over his pillow repeatedly in FRONT of the neighbors. WHY?!

I'm also not sure about my hallucinations. I get hypnogogic hallucinations quite frequently but I don't think I'm narcoleptic. I was obsessed for a period of time that my cell phone was being bugged by the guy I was dating and I wouldn't discuss anything on my phone to people because I was paranoid he was listening to me. I have also had some SERIOUS paranoia that there were ghosts in my apartment and it would cause me to leave all the lights on in the house and never sleep. I'm too old for that, I'm 22. But I couldn't shake the paranoia. I still feel like in the back of my mind that my cell phone is bugged and its going to be used against me someday. I know that sounds stupid and surely I don't REALLY believe that but why do I keep obsessing over it?

I'm sorry this is so long...once again my thoughts are racing. Am I biploar? I want to go back to my doctor and talk to her about this, but I'm scared she will just put me back on Effexor or Prozac (I have tried those as well as Lexapro and they didn't help AT ALL). Is there any hope from me? My God what is wrong with me? No one will be able to be around me at this rate. I will lose everybody in my life if I can't get some control over myself.

 
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Old 07-10-2005, 03:20 PM   #2
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Re: I think I'm crazy

Hey 'B B',

First, welcome to the boards.

Your description of your current behavoir is very detailed. That is a good thing.
Some of the things you mention, are very similar to Bi-Polar symptoms,
however, given your description, you need to see a Health Professional,
so you can get an accurate assesment and the right help.

If you're not happy with your current Doc, can you try elsewhere?

Please stick around, you will find a lot of help and support right here
even if you only need to 'let it out' of your system.

Good luck.

Hedge~
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Last edited by Hedgehog No 1; 07-10-2005 at 03:21 PM.

 
Old 07-10-2005, 04:53 PM   #3
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Re: I think I'm crazy

Your symtoms sound very much like bipolar. As for the euphoria associated with mania it does not always occur.

 
Old 07-10-2005, 08:12 PM   #4
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Re: I think I'm crazy

It does sound like it could be bipolar disorder. But don't worry if you're not experiencing "euphoria." Mania can take different forms. For some, it's euphoria and for others it's pure irritability and restlessness- this sounds more like you. The fact that it sounds like BD is because you seem to cycle- after depression, you feel hypersexual and go on shopping sprees, which are common symptoms of hypomania and/or mania. Also, you mentioned that during this time, you talk so fast that nobody can keep up with you, another key factor of mania. I would definitely go see a doctor and see what he/she thinks... Good luck and God bless!
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Old 07-11-2005, 04:07 AM   #5
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Re: I think I'm crazy

Thanks you guys for the input!

I am very happy to find this place...

I am a little dissapointed...okay I am VERY dissapointed that I do not experience the euphoric mania. That really sucks

I am pretty certain that I am bipolar...well it's either that or I just have one super weird personality?

Ok this is going to be embarrassing.....
I'm just wondering if any of you experience some sort of strange "magical" thinking? I had a dream about walking across this bridge and seeing a man there standing at a distance and he told me that I would marry number 27. I have never forgot that dream and I truly believe that who ever I marry will have something to do with this number. When I was driving to see the guy I was dating, I happened to look over and see the mile marker 27 just as I had been thinking about this dream while I was driving and I thought for sure this was my sign that I would marry this guy.

Needless to say, I think I have already scared him off because of the reasons I mentioned in my original post....going from being nice to him one second and raging mad the next and also because of an array of drunken and weird/racing thought voicemails. Does anyone become preoccupied with these kinds of magical/superstitious thoughts? Or is this pretty normal to do? Is this part of mania?? I know this sounds so silly.

 
Old 07-11-2005, 08:26 AM   #6
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Re: I think I'm crazy

It's not silly, I've had daydreams before that always seem to be telling me something. Just a few weeks ago I was out of town at for a college friend's wedding and I was in my hotel room (most of the wedding party were my friends too and we we're all on the same hallway of the hotel). My friend from accross the hall came over to use my laptop while I was picking clothes for our outing that night. As I was rumaging through my bag I realized I'd seen that whole scene before months ago. Then my friend started talking to me and I began to say his words as he did! He gave me strange look and then I went into the bathroom telling him that our friend was going to come in soon and ask what jacket he should wear and to tell him that I said the blue one would look better. After I came out of the shower he and our other friend (who had a blue and green jacket with him and had apparently been told of my clairvoyance) were staring at me. Then they asked me for lottery numbers.
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Old 07-11-2005, 09:21 AM   #7
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Re: I think I'm crazy

Hi There,
I'm new too - but I can actually add something here! I had gone in to a psychologist because I thought maybe I was borderline personality - turned out it is bipolar - lots of the symptoms are the same. The key w/ borderline personality disorder is that if you think there is anything wrong w/ you - you pretty much don't have it. It is supported by the ego - you believe that the way you are acting is right - your morals/feelings bend to the disorder - as opposed to people w/ bipolar who often act in ways they regret later or feel uncomfortable with....Anyhoo...that is what she told me - hope this helps. Oh...and I don't have euphoria either - I have a special kind of rage that comes w/ my mania......it sucks....Jen
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Old 07-11-2005, 04:30 PM   #8
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Re: I think I'm crazy

Hi I am new to this board too. I have been dealing with major depression and anxiety disorder for a while. I was only diagnosed a few years ago but suffered for many years without help. I also have some questions.

My counsellor just told me that he feels I may have bipolar disorder. After doing some reading I think I may also but am not sure. I get pretty severe mood swings. I once threw a knife at my husband and only know because my daughter brought it up once. I felt sooo bad. I also threw a plate of spagetti at him. I go into rages and feel I am out of control in myself. I have been impulsive with money in the past (sucked into network marketing schemes, amway, vacume salesemen ect...) this always results in a huge fight between me and hubbie and I accuse him of squashing me dreams. Later though I realize it was stupid.

A few years ago I was convinced the world was coming to an end and I thought about it constantly. I swear that I saw the sun falling from the sky. When I was about 17 I thought I had AIDs even thought I never had sex before then once I did I was really convinced. I worked at a cafeteria and cut myself once washing dishes. Even though i disenfected the sink ect.. I was sure I had infected all the customers. Oh I always thought I was pregnant even if I had not had sex for a long time. It sounds irrational to me now but then It seemed possible.

The funny thing is is that my parinoia went away after about a year after my daughter was born and she is 8 now. I still get mood swings but I am not sure the course of the swings whether they are a week or a day or several a day because I never really knew BP was a possibility and never kept track. I dropped all my courses a month before they were finished and had a "breakdown" this past June and my Dr wanted to hospitalize me. I feel that there is more going on but cant put a name to it until now.

All I know is I sometimes feel out control in my emotions. I am taking seroquel at night and think it is working for making me less agitated. I was addicted to pain pills and thats how all this came out. I started going to counselling and after my counsellor heard some of my stories he brought up that I may be bipolor.
sometimes have trouble sleeping but have never had the all nighters I have heard about. That is why I am confused.
If someone is bipolor is it possible not to know. I feel I should have known or someone would have noticed.

Sorry for rambling.

Thanks for all your help.


I

 
Old 07-11-2005, 11:53 PM   #9
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Re: I think I'm crazy

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlndBtrfly
Hi everyone! I'm new to this board, but after realizing I have a problem I decided to come here and see if anyone can help me.

I KNOW there is something wrong with me, but I'm not quite sure what. I think I'm bipolar...but I'm not sure if it is bipolar or borderline. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression and was on meds for years but I quit taking them...they didn't seem to help. I think I was misdiagnosed.

Here is the problem. I am VERY impulsive and lately I have been one big mess. I feel like I'm on a downward spiral and everyone notices it. I have lost so many friends and relationships because of my "craziness." If I got a nickel for every time someone called me a psycho I would be rich.

I go through periods of time where all I will do is cry and lay in bed...I barely can take care of myself. I won't eat or shower for days. Then after that period of time I will do the craziest, most impulsive things. I will spend lots of money, drink like there is no tomorrow, and I am very hypersexual. I feel like I have no control over many things in my life because I react then think later.

I don't think I have the mania I have heard of though. It's rarely ever a euphoric feeling for me it's more heightened energy/rage/aggression. I will start talking 100 miles an hour where no one can keep up with what I'm saying yet I just can't slow down and I can't stop acting inappropriate. I will go from being nice to someone to being mean and cussing at them the next. Now you can see why I have problems in relationships. I don't know how to stop this.

Past couple nights I have been calling this guy I was dating repeatedly. He left me a vm saying that the first voicemail was sorta nice then I "snapped" and left the nastiest message he's ever heard. I get so mad at people sometimes I feel like I just want to hit them or cuss them out. I overreact I know I do. But what makes me wonder if I'm really borderline is how (esp in dating situations) I will LOVE that person one minute then I will HATE them the next and I make it known to them. I did some terribly impulsive things to my ex-fiance. I even sat fire to his clothes out front of my apartment and ran over his pillow repeatedly in FRONT of the neighbors. WHY?!

I'm also not sure about my hallucinations. I get hypnogogic hallucinations quite frequently but I don't think I'm narcoleptic. I was obsessed for a period of time that my cell phone was being bugged by the guy I was dating and I wouldn't discuss anything on my phone to people because I was paranoid he was listening to me. I have also had some SERIOUS paranoia that there were ghosts in my apartment and it would cause me to leave all the lights on in the house and never sleep. I'm too old for that, I'm 22. But I couldn't shake the paranoia. I still feel like in the back of my mind that my cell phone is bugged and its going to be used against me someday. I know that sounds stupid and surely I don't REALLY believe that but why do I keep obsessing over it?

I'm sorry this is so long...once again my thoughts are racing. Am I biploar? I want to go back to my doctor and talk to her about this, but I'm scared she will just put me back on Effexor or Prozac (I have tried those as well as Lexapro and they didn't help AT ALL). Is there any hope from me? My God what is wrong with me? No one will be able to be around me at this rate. I will lose everybody in my life if I can't get some control over myself.
I have been through a lot of the same things you are going through. My pdoc says I'm bi-polar. I am on Trileptal, Lexapro, Xanax, Trazodone, and Seroquel. Perhaps a cocktail of meds would help you. It took me a long time to find a pdoc that would find the right combination of meds to help me. I wish you luck!

 
Old 07-12-2005, 12:01 AM   #10
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Re: I think I'm crazy

Arenner~

You sound a lot like me. I wasn't sure if I was bipolar or not. My diagnosis is Major Depressive Disorder but like you, I don't think it fits me really. I have been on LOTS of meds and it hasn't helped me. I was beginning to think there was just no hope for me. Btw...I am not on meds right now. Maybe I should be but I feel like it takes away my personality, did that make sense?

Some of your stories made me laugh just because they sound a LOT like things I have thought of. The more I hang around on this board the more convinced I am that I am bipolar because I can relate to just about everything people say on here!

I also was obsessed that I had AIDS when I was in high school for no good reason. I would even put toilet paper on the toilet seat at my own home because I was afraid my little sister would get AIDS somehow from me (and I knew this couldn't be possible but the paranoia persisted). I still think that to date my biggest obsession has been that this particular guy is bugging my phone. I know its STUPID but even today I felt like I was being bugged and refused to talk on it when people called me. WEIRD!

I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years, but this is not to say I didn't do some messed up things myself. Funny thing is, my <abusive> boyfriend WAS Bipolar and had had a diagnosis (I didn't know that I was, still unsure but I think I am so go figure - 2 Bipolar ppl is probably not a pretty site). We both had rages. I would scream at him, hit him, throw things at him, just completely out of control. Same to him. Once he poured soup down the drain with chunks of veggies in it and i FLIPPED OUT! I overreacted so bad I was screaming about how stupid he was at the top of my lungs. Also one night I got a police baton and thought about hitting him in the head with it. I was over top of him with the baton and wanted to hit him in the head with it. I think I figured at that point something was wrong and MDD didn't seem to quite fit it. The next day, I was just LOVING him so much! Couldn't believe I had thought about hitting him with that while he was in bed!

But here is my question. I hear people talk about going for PERIODS of time depressed or manic. I often seem to swing frequently (or I guess the word is cycle?) For instance, within the matter of 1 day I will be agitated/energetic for a few hours, crying the next few, and raging the rest of the day then back to agitation. OR sometimes it will be 1 week of manic behavior, next week I won't get out of bed and I will avoid people at all costs and ignore my friends. Week or two later I am the social butterfly then back again! If I swing this fast is it not bipolar? There are by no means 6 months of depression, 6 months straight manic or something of that sort. Is that what is normal for bipolar disorder?

 
Old 07-12-2005, 12:06 AM   #11
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Re: I think I'm crazy

Quote:
Originally Posted by vo-5
I have been through a lot of the same things you are going through. My pdoc says I'm bi-polar. I am on Trileptal, Lexapro, Xanax, Trazodone, and Seroquel. Perhaps a cocktail of meds would help you. It took me a long time to find a pdoc that would find the right combination of meds to help me. I wish you luck!
A cocktail may be what I need. I know I can't take Lexapro again though. It caused too much dizziness for me. I was always feeling like I would pass out. I guess I just don't understand how antideps alone can help bipolar. They never seemed to help me. I wondered about Lithium? Is that the most common bipolar drug? I don't recognize the other meds you are describing besides Lexapro and Xanax. Are the other drugs for bipolar?

How do you tell your doc you think you are bipolar? I guess I ended up with a MDD diagnosis because I sought help during a period of intense depression and couldn't see myself being any different in the near future. So I didn't tell her my other problems. Should I tell her about the things I am doing? I guess part of the reason I don't want to is I feel...embarrassed? Can I just write it down and show her instead??

 
Old 07-12-2005, 08:56 AM   #12
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Re: I think I'm crazy

Write it down, sing a song about it, or talk about it. It doesn't matter as long as your doc is completely informed of the situation and you are comfortable with how that information was delivered. No one can truly treat you if they don't know all the variables. Writing it down is probably the easiest. You tend not to miss as much information that way and all you have to do is hand it over and answer questions.
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Old 07-13-2005, 06:41 PM   #13
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Re: I think I'm crazy

hi blndbtrfly!

What I love about this is hearing stories that are simular to my own. It makes me feel less alone. I know what you mean about mood swings more than once a day. That happens to me fairly often.

I have been taking seroquel for over a week now and I think I am starting to feel more level. But what I dont like is that I feel more tired than normal.

 
Old 07-13-2005, 08:15 PM   #14
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Re: I think I'm crazy

It doesn't sound silly at all. Have you tried talk-therapy in addition to just seeing a regular psychiatrist for your meds? That may help you get your thoughts in line and also provide some useful tools in helping you to cope with your thoughts/feelings/impulses in addition to your medicine.

 
Old 07-14-2005, 11:01 AM   #15
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Thumbs up Re: I think I'm crazy

hello welcome : well please dont take this the wrong way, and alot of people think that some one with schizophrenia is either a vietnam vet, homeless or a society drop out, not true at all , i think you have schitzophrenia. but dont go on meds untill the doc is sure what he is medicating you for and make sure that you yourself understand what it is that you are bieng diagnosed with, then the meds will work fine, there are also support groups for people that dont know what the hell is wrong, so they are there all together talking out their problems, good luck, kimber lee

 
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