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Old 07-11-2005, 06:18 AM   #1
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Derangea HB User
Weekend FREAKOUT/RAGE

Its been a terrible weekend for me. Friday morning I had to get a psychological evaluation for 4 hours which opened up alot of bad memories and old wounds. Then I had to rush my mother to the ER because she was having symptoms of a heart attack. I waited there with her for 6 hours until they told me she was ok and that she needed to stay, so I went home to get some overnite stuff for her. And on my way home I was so distraught and crying and this cat runs out in front of my truck and I hit it dead on. I stopped, got out, looked for it, but couldn't find it. I spent 15 minutes looking for it and couldn't find it anywhere. I wonder if it was just in my head, if I was so upset that I just imagined it. I dont know, but that freaked me out because I love cats and just the thought of killing someone's pet tears my heart out. Then I dont know if anyone remembers a message a posted before titled "Controling Impulses" but the guy I mentioned in there, me and him have been getting really close, and I ended up developing strong feelings for him. I didn't hear from him all weekend. Then finally I see him online and the first thing he tells me is a story about how over the weekend he was at a wedding and saw an old girlfriend who was married and had a kid. They got a little drunk, she was more drunk, and they went up to her hotel room and fooled around. While HE KNEW she was married and had a kid. And then he felt bad and wanted my sympathy!!! He KNOWS that I have feelings for him, why would he tell me that! I felt so betrayed, so heart broken. And the thing that pushed me over the edge was when I asked him if he enjoyed it and he said, "Yeah, she was the love of my life". Thats when I started throwing things and cutting myself. Anytime I fall inlove with someone they dont want to have anything to do with me besides use me for their own purposes. Why the **** cant he feel that way for me. What is wrong with me??? I freaked out, grabbed my car keys, I cant remember much after that. I went to this one place in the woods where I usually hike and just started running and punshing the ground and beating my head on the dirt. Then I became dazed, came home, my parents saw me, all dirty, all bloody, they asked me questions, I didn't tell them about the guy. I jst told them I cant control myself sometimes. I downplayed everything to them because all I wanted to do is go up to my room and cry myself to sleep. WHich I ended up doing. And now I'm at work. Going over the story that he told me in my head which breaks my heart beyond belief. I'm crushed. Litteraly crushed. I cant trust anyone anymore because I cant even trust myself. SO that was my weekend...
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"All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses."

 
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Old 07-11-2005, 07:31 AM   #2
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: Weekend FREAKOUT/RAGE

Derangea, I'm sorry you had such an awful weekend. I don't really have any good advise for you, so I'm sorry about that too. But I wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and hope you feel better soon. It sounds like this guy you like is not a very nice person. I know it hurts now, but maybe down the road you'll be glad this happened before you guys got really serious or anything. Because if he will mess around with a woman that is married, he would probably cheat on his significant other too.... it doesn't sound like he respects the boundaries of a relationship.
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A positive attitude wonít solve your probs, but it will annoy enough people to be worth the effort.

 
Old 07-11-2005, 07:55 AM   #3
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Derangea HB User
Re: Weekend FREAKOUT/RAGE

Thank you, you dont realize how much it means to get a response that just says that you sympathize. And I think You are right about this guy. Because what I saw in him, was my ideal version of him, which doesn't exist. And if for some reason he said to me, "I love you and want to be with you" would I be willing to spend a lifetime of this heartache. You are right its not worth it. The hard part is to forget and avoid him. WHich I plan on doing. Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it.

Derangea
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-DERANGEA
"All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses."

 
Old 07-11-2005, 08:26 AM   #4
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: Weekend FREAKOUT/RAGE

I'm glad I could help some! I've been through simlar situations. And before I always thought I was just dumb or attracted poor choices. But now that I've accepted this whole mental illness and am researching it more, I think it has played a major roll in my past problems.... like sleeping around (boy I'm proud of that one! haha), and staying with a total jerk that was very emotionally abusive for 2 years (almost married that one). Just different things like that. I guess its just strange to realize all the ups and downs that I've always thought were just "my luck" could have actually been because of the bipolar or depression. It's oddly comforting. And remember, the right person is out there for ya. If you're anything like me, you'll find it is the person you suspect the least. My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years, married for a little over 3, and I love him dearly, never knew I could love someone as unconditionally as I do. I put off dating him because he "wasn't my type". I liked big, jocky types. He is a redneck, skinny, and a huge Nascar fan. Now I've embraced my redneck tendancies and am as big of a Nascar fan as he is! Haha Who knew I would like fast cars so much! Hang in there. The boards are a good source of support, encouragement, and a few good laughs along the way.
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A positive attitude wonít solve your probs, but it will annoy enough people to be worth the effort.

 
Old 07-11-2005, 01:25 PM   #5
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BlndBtrfly HB User
Re: Weekend FREAKOUT/RAGE

Derangea I think your weekend resembles mine! (well about the jerk, and about the rage thing).

I had developed these strong feelings for this guy that I went and drove 5 hours to see a week ago and spend the weekend with him. He hasn't been calling me unless I pretty much make him and I flipped out on him several times this week....and I kind of lost it I was so upset at myself for driving that far to see him that I got in my car and drove out this country road chain smoking and screaming at the top of my lungs. I pulled over and ran around for a little bit where no one was around. I am FED UP with being used like this.

Just like you, MikeysWifey, I have slept around a lot and always end up getting burned and used and discarded yet its hard for me to control my impulses. I was also in an abusive relationship with a guy for 2 years and was engaged. Uncanny similarities!

Derangea, I can tell you what I am doing as of today. I am not going to contact him EVER AGAIN. Let them wonder why we suddenly drop off the face of the planet.

 
Old 07-11-2005, 01:41 PM   #6
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: Weekend FREAKOUT/RAGE

[QUOTE=BlndBtrfly]
Just like you, MikeysWifey, I have slept around a lot and always end up getting burned and used and discarded yet its hard for me to control my impulses. I was also in an abusive relationship with a guy for 2 years and was engaged. Uncanny similarities!
QUOTE]
we bp's are such kindred spirits!
__________________
A positive attitude wonít solve your probs, but it will annoy enough people to be worth the effort.

 
Old 07-12-2005, 06:32 AM   #7
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Derangea HB User
Re: Weekend FREAKOUT/RAGE

Quote:
Originally Posted by BlndBtrfly
Derangea, I can tell you what I am doing as of today. I am not going to contact him EVER AGAIN. Let them wonder why we suddenly drop off the face of the planet.
You know what, that is EXACTLY whay I'm going to do to. Not contact him EVER again. Because just think of how that would affect us. If someone got really close to us and thought they could trust us and then BAM, we just disappear. It would drive us nuts! Constantly wondering what happened and why! Accept we dont deserve it, they do, so lets give them a taste of their own medicine.... for good. What helps me is thinking that they suddenly died. So I will morn his passing. But then move on and not think about any kind of a future with him because he's dead. I know thats a little morbid but it works for me! Good luck! And dont give in!!
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-DERANGEA
"All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses."

 
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