in a low
I am in such a low right now. I do the rapid cycling daily, several times a day and have for years, especially since 1999 - I hit a huge mania in 1999, made a lot of dumb, irrational decisions and lost everything - but since then I've pretty much rapid cycled and not had a huge high or a huge low... now I have hit a huge, dark, dismal low. I forgot how horrible the lows are. They are definitely no picnic.
I found this healthboards place and have really been reading a lot more than I have been typing. You all are so open and honest here. It really sets me aback. It's amazing. The first place I wrote was in the death/dying part, which I think I misplaced my post. I shouldn't have written in there - I'm sorry - I was confused. Then I found a lot of questions in the disabilites section that got my mind of things a little bit so I could help people with their questions.
Truth is, I am walking around like a big o' zombie. My kitchen cabinets look rubbery, and nothing makes sense. I feel I've no purpose, and the harder I try to snap out of this, the less sense this world makes to me. My trigger may seem stupid to people, but I can't get the face of that little boy Dylan Groene out of my head. Everyone around me tells me just snap out of it and that I am basically being stupid. Well they can say that all they want and put me down but that goes in one ear and out the other. Putting someone down rarely helps, you know? People feel what they feel, especially bipolar people. I'm used to being told I don't make sense, so that doesn't help. I was on the phone with my husband and he had been really supportive and I said, "did you know Dylan's birthday is July 16th?" He started cussing me out so I just blank stared at the wall and hung up on him, then kept the phone off the hook. I get no support. He may think I'm a fool. Oh maybe I am. Cussing me out sure didn't help my low or take away the darkness. It made him look awful to me and just numbed me a little. That's all that did.
I guess being so sad for a little boy who is states away is dumb. But I do feel it. And I'm crying constantly about it. It has made me question so many things I never thought I would ever question, so it has defintely triggered something in me. I sent the family all I could send them (which was not much as I am on disability - so I'm ashamed that it was SO little) and I wrote a poem I enclosed with it) and I mailed it off today. I just can't get away from his adorable little close-mouthed grin they keep showing on TV. I guess some things touch our hearts for whatever reason. I suppose on some level I am grieving though I didn't know the boy. We've all seen Shasta and Dylan's faces since May 17th or so, so I guess we all do get to know these kids on some level by seeing them on the news every day, so I suppose in our ways we can grieve for them. The Lunsford case affected me too, just not like this one. I know little Dylan's grin is like my son's. They look so much alike, except that Nate is much younger - he's 3. Nate was dead for 3 minutes when he was born and I almost died. I don't know. Gosh I just realized how long this dern post is. Who is gonna wanna read a LONG drawn out depressed post!?? I am SO sorry. Well, just knowing a place like this is here that I CAN post on and just get it out is a bit comforting I guess. We've all been there in the canyon deep lows as bipolars I know - no matter what types of triggers we've all had them. I just wish that there was an end to tear flow so I could remember what a DRY face feels like for a while. My eyes are starting to sting! I look horrid! My nose is red as red can get. Like a crayon!
Well I will stop this now. I'm so sorry for the way too long post. I've got to keep these shorter. Thanks if anyone read the whole thing. If no one did, I do NOT blame you.
-Follen (hurting - )