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Old 07-12-2005, 08:29 PM   #1
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I feel afraid

ok, so i knew it would happen. i've been in a high for several days. not super high, but slightly... now i'm crashing. i can feel it happening. i really hate this. no doc has told me bipolar, but i gotta tell ya i really think it is. i feel like i'm gonna cry, my chest is tight and hurts, i'm so sleepy, i'm scared, not about anything in particular... just scared. i keep apologizing to my mikey... i cant imagine what its like for him to put up with this. and i hide a lot of the things that go on in my mind. he would probably bolt if he had the chance to walk around in my head. i know i'd leave me if i could. sorry, always have to throw in a joke. i called the psychiatrist today. they dont have an opening for me (new patient) til sept 20th. but, i'm going to keep calling back to check on cancellations. i just needed to post on here to get this out. i'm starting to notice when i go from one mood to the next. its nice to recognize the differences. but its scarey b/c there is nothing i can do. i guess maybe its good to be able to prepare for the ride.
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Old 07-12-2005, 08:50 PM   #2
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Re: I feel afraid

Hi,
Could your try a different Doctor or clinic, are you on meds? If so-are you taking them-(very Important). That appointment is to far away, Is it an insurance (HMO) type of issue?
Karen W.

 
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Old 07-13-2005, 06:47 AM   #3
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Re: I feel afraid

Quote:
Originally Posted by Karen W.
Hi,
Could your try a different Doctor or clinic, are you on meds? If so-are you taking them-(very Important). That appointment is to far away, Is it an insurance (HMO) type of issue?
Karen W.
karen
Yeah, I take my meds religiously. My primary doc prescribed me a higher dose of Wellbutrin to get me through til the psych appt. She was not comfortable diagnosing bipolar without the psych eval because it is such a complex disease. And, I respect that desision. I don't want her to just throw some drugs at me not knowing for sure if that is what I need..... and, I don't know about the reasoning for the length of time to get in to the psych.... I've heard there is a high demand for them around here, and there just aren't too many good ones. I know there are a few that you can get in to see right away, but they are jerks. So, I think I'd rather wait a little longer just to have the piece of mind that this guy wont be a total @$$ when I get in there. I'm feeling oddly better this morning. That is what I hate about this illness. You don't know from one day to the next how you'll feel. But I seem to be on edge, like I'm waiting for the wreck or something. It's weird. Thanks for your response. It's always good to have people pulling for me.
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Old 07-13-2005, 06:50 AM   #4
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Re: I feel afraid

Yeah, I'd be seeking a second opinion. Why in the world would a doctor give you an anti-depressant when you've told him/her that you think you might be bipolar? Don't they know that could spark a manic episode? You seem to have been experiencing this for a while, and I'd definitely seek an alternate route of help...
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Old 07-13-2005, 07:13 AM   #5
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Re: I feel afraid

Well, I think she increased the antidepressant because I definitely tend to be more on the depressive side. Bigtime. I told her I was having a really hard time getting things done and getting through the day. So the wellbutrin increase is to kind of get me through the next couple months til I can get in to the psych. But, it sucks. Although I'd say I'd rather be on a high episode than a low one. I guess since I don't get super manic, only slightly. No one would probably recognize it as manic unless they knew me & knew what I was usually like. I guess I'll keep calling back to see if there is a cancellation. I hate to try and find another psych doc because I have ended up with some real jerks in the past. So I trust that my general doc wont send me to one of them... I'm just at a loss right now. I'm feeling very frustrated and sad and like no one believes me. I told my husband last night before bed that I really hope this psych agrees that this is bipolar II. He then said something to the effect of "just go with the flow"... I almost screamed. I hate that no one understands. I feel like no one believes me. Sometimes I just wish my brain would go numb.... I wonder if feeling nothing would be better than this depression nonesense.
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Old 07-13-2005, 11:56 AM   #6
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Re: I feel afraid

I donít know if I can do this anymore. Iím so tired of crying and not being able to deal with anything. I just want to be normal and be able lead a regular life. I asked my husband at lunch if he believed me that this isnít just something I can get over. You know I canít just buck up and move on right? He said yes of course. He said he knew if that were the case, I would have done it a long time ago. But then he said that he is afraid that Iím looking for the Ďmagic cureí or magic pill to solve my problems. That hurt. Why did that hurt so much? I guess Iím afraid of that too. What if nothing is wrong with me? What if Iím just being a big baby? This is probably just me being selfish and over-reactingÖ. Why do I have to feel like this? Why me? That is what I want to know. I try so hard to be a good person. I try to be compassionate and caring and help people when I can. There are so many people in the world less fortunate than me, so many people who have so many problems. I have a good life, a good husband, a nice house, our bills are paid, and we both have good familiesÖ. I just donít understand. It just seems so stupid for me to be feeling this way. Iím crying, for no reason. I have no clue why Iím crying, not even inklingÖ I hate feeling broken. I remember when I was in first grade I would cry uncontrollably for no reason. There was one little girl who could always make me stop, so they always put her next to me in the seating chart. I donít remember what she would do; I just remember her being a comfort to me. I wonder what she does nowÖ I wish I knew why she was such a comfort. It might help me these days. Sorry Iím just rambling on and on. I just donít know what to do. I canít concentrate on my work, and we are so far behind. I canít afford to not work, or even work part time. I need the insurance way too much. And we arenít supposed to be on the internet at work, but Iím afraid if I couldnít come here to voice how Iím feeling I would just explode. Iím having a hard enough time as it is. My heart hurts, Iím having trouble catching my breath, and of course, Iím crying. I canít even get a sentence out with out choking back tears. Iím a grown woman, Iím at work, and I need to keep it together. Thatís what I keep telling myself. But then that just makes me feel worse because Iím not able to. I could go home sick, but I donít want to do that. I know I wouldnít just sit at home and do nothing. I would want to do something or go take care of some errands, not just sit around. So if Iím well enough to do that, I should be well enough to stay at work. But I just cannot concentrate. This is so frustrating. We are supposed to be able to control our minds and our thoughts, not the other way around. And why is it that I just keep feeling worse. I felt pretty okay before I saw the word ďbipolarĒ on my last doctorís chart. Now I just seem to be getting progressively worse. Am I just more aware of the symptoms now? Do I just notice more now that I know what to look for? And why the heck didnít that doc treat me for bipolar!?!? This suffering could have been treated years ago if he would have. Iím sorryÖ Iím just at my witís end (YET AGAIN!). I just feel so alone.
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Old 07-13-2005, 12:33 PM   #7
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Re: I feel afraid

Calm down sweetie. It's normal. I honestly don't think about the whys and what fors anymore. I too am at work (and I'm not supposed to be on the internet either) unable to concentrate, frequently crying, and working very slowly. And I just found out I might be transfered to another program where my coworkers and boss don't have an understanding that I will come in late, work strange hours, and hardly talk to them, and frequently appear half dead to their eyes. But I'm also not thinking about it very much. I deal with it when it comes. Take a minute at a time if you have to. keep breathing and get through the work. Set very small goals for yourself at work. I go so small as to type a paragraph, then check this website. Then type 2 paragraphs, then go the bath room and close my eyes, etc. and more importantly don't look at the clock. It only makes it worse.

And since writing the above i have learned that I am transferring to a new program. New set of people and work to manage. Oh well, maybe it's for the best.

Good luck.
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Old 07-13-2005, 12:42 PM   #8
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Re: I feel afraid

thanks reesie. i'm talking to a coworker right now about medical leave. there is a law (dont know much about it) that allows you so many weeks of leave if you have a docs note and a condition. it says your job cant penalize you for taking time off for this stuff. i had thought just being able to have the freedom of saying "i just cant do it today" might help. but, i dont know. i hate asking the doc for that kind of stuff. but, its something to feel about. and, since my post i'm feeling better. not good, but i've stopped crying. i had a brownie... chocolate is a miraculous little food isn't it. haha
i'm sorry your having to change at your work. that is always a stressful thing. but, who knows, maybe your new people will be even more understanding an helpful.
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Old 07-13-2005, 12:56 PM   #9
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Re: I feel afraid

It's called Family Medical Leave of Absence (FMLA) and I've had the paperwork active for the last 5 months. It can be a beautiful thing. Doctors in general (in my experience at least) like it and don't mind filling out the paperwork because when they want their patients to take time off and rest they know with FMLA the patient is more likely to submit and take the time off instead of refusing the doc's orders because they feel they can't take time off work
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Old 07-13-2005, 01:04 PM   #10
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Re: I feel afraid

MikeysWife - Reesie's post is on the nose. Don't do any major soul-searching or questioning of your state. It is what it is and it's more important to keep moving forward so you can keep your job and your insurance. You, Reesie and I have a lot in common in terms of problems at work. Now I'm on COBRA. Looking for a job sucks, but what can you do? You can't blame yourself for being depressed, no matter how confounding it is. At least you are aware enough to acknowledge that it might be BP. Most people stay in denial until something really terrible happens.

Put one foot forward and repeat. Take one breath and repeat. If your brain becomes so crowded with negative thoughts that you can't focus, go outdoors for a quick break and focus on a good memory, like your wedding day. Move as fast as you can, even if it's a lot slower than your normal pace. At least you're moving.

I had a rough day at home by myself yesterday. Could have let my low slip into an unproductive depression, but I forced myself to keep moving and tackle small projects. I'm still not 100% today, but I'm funk-free thus far.

Remember how strong you are. It's tough showing up to work everyday, but you're doing it. Give yourself credit and filter out the BP-induced thoughts as much as possible. Self-loathing is a big part of BP for me. Be kind to yourself and pick up positive energy from co-workers, your husband, anyone around you.

You need a p-doc right away. Sometimes the docs who are available immediately aren't such jerks. I was warned against the doc I have now by my former p-doc, but this guy has gotten me on a good med combo and I've seen tremendous progress in the short time I've been in his care. He was available to see me the next day. Maybe you can interview other docs just in case you find one you like before Sept. 20th. If they agree to meet you before you fill out all that paperwork, all the better.

 
Old 07-13-2005, 02:03 PM   #11
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Re: I feel afraid

Thanks guys. I'm pluggin away. I feel good all of a sudden. Guess its just one of those lovely mood swings. I asked my boss about the FMLA. She wasn't sure on what all I need to do so she gave me the # of who to call in HR. So I left her a voice mail. We'll see.
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Old 07-13-2005, 02:25 PM   #12
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Re: I feel afraid

That is what we are here for. Speaking of plugging away I need to get to documenting my work and making it look like did something so this stuff is put to bed before I start my new job on well I guess Monday.

EDIT: Woo hoo this was my 300 post! I'm a veteran now! Yep, I feel like I've been fighting a war
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Last edited by reesie; 07-13-2005 at 02:26 PM.

 
Old 07-13-2005, 02:27 PM   #13
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Re: I feel afraid

Quote:
Originally Posted by reesie
That is what we are here for. Speaking of plugging away I need to get to documenting my work and making it look like did something so this stuff is put to bed before I start my new job on well I guess Monday.

EDIT: Woo hoo this was my 300 post! I'm a veteran now! Yep, I feel like I've been fighting a war
yikes... sounds like it... have fun. and i'm sure your new job will be a good thing.
congrats on the 300th post! haha
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A positive attitude wonít solve your probs, but it will annoy enough people to be worth the effort.

Last edited by MikeysWifey0316; 07-13-2005 at 02:28 PM.

 
Old 07-14-2005, 01:48 PM   #14
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Re: I feel afraid

Now I feel afraid!! OMG! I just changed pdocs. I'm getting ready to leave one job assignment for another within the company starting Monday and I just got a call from a consultant firm that wants to consider me for a contract job in Philly! (I'm in Texas now) The changes! The Changes! Ch - Ch -Changes!
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In haven't failed! I've accomplished much. I just found a lot ways that don't work . . . yet.

Last edited by reesie; 07-14-2005 at 01:50 PM.

 
Old 07-15-2005, 06:29 AM   #15
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Re: I feel afraid

Quote:
Originally Posted by reesie
Now I feel afraid!! OMG! I just changed pdocs. I'm getting ready to leave one job assignment for another within the company starting Monday and I just got a call from a consultant firm that wants to consider me for a contract job in Philly! (I'm in Texas now) The changes! The Changes! Ch - Ch -Changes!
It's okay reesie... Just breath. Go back and read all the great advise you've given me... just read it like some one is giving it to you. You're a tough cookie... I'm sure you'll do good.
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