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Old 07-12-2005, 08:49 PM   #1
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ragged HB User
Exclamation Am I wrong???

I am new here and not really sure where to begin... I am a rapid-cycling bp and I am so tired of wearing my mask daily so nobody knows my pain,fear and see's the panic that is hidding just below the surface. My family and most I work with know of my illness and I feel like they are just waiting for my next episode.
I only want to disappear ,give up on my family and I feel guilt over this,but I just can't shake it. Most days I absolutely hate everything and everyone.
I want my husband to divorce me ,he wont. I am a horrible person during my stages,from the spending sprees, the inappropiate behavior,pushing everyone away,gee I could go on and on about my behaviors but I shant bore you with those things. I have systematically pushed people away from me,I just want to be free. I know I am rambling here but I just really need to vent or explode.
I broke a 3 month s/i free run, and I just dont know how to handle all of the jumble emotions I am going thru right now. And it is not like this is a new thing for me, I have been ill for as long as I can remember from way back in my childhood.
Sorry this is so long and that I unloaded on you all, I apolgize if I am out of line here

 
Old 07-12-2005, 11:31 PM   #2
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Picali HB User
Re: Am I wrong???

Please don't apologise, this is a place for people to be honest and open about how they feel - it's never wrong!

Are you getting any professional support from a therapist? Your husband sounds like a beauty - hang on to him, there aren't many around! If he's willing to stick by you through this then you've got to give yourself the same chance. Therapy can really help you work through all of those emotions, get them out into the open and deal with them. You sound as if you've got support, but not enough of the right kind maybe? A good therapist can really make a lot of difference. Let us know x

 
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Old 07-13-2005, 02:57 AM   #3
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Soniarose59 HB User
Re: Am I wrong???

Ragged,
Have you tried dialectal behavior therapy (DBT) ? It is great for people with BPD or SI. I have taken it and it is great. If you have a therapist, maybe you can look into it.
Hope all goes well, Sondra

 
Old 07-13-2005, 07:33 AM   #4
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ragged HB User
Re: Am I wrong???

Thankyou for your advise:

I have been in and out of therepy for over 25years ,on muliple different med regimens and in and out of hospitals,as of my last inpatient stay which in my on opinion did me more harm than help.So after that somewhat forced stay I have stopped my treatment (yes I know)that is not the right way to handle the situation but I just cannot seem to get the courage to go back to my P-doc.

My husband tries to support me but in reality he just has no clue,he as well as the rest of my family still have the attitude of awe it cant be that bad,just shake it off and the one that really upsets me is just suck it up and get over it,everyone has bad days.

Soniarose,no I have never tried nor has any of my different dr's thru the years every mention the therepy that you mentioned, please tell me more about it.

I live in a small rural town and the nearest physciatrist (sp) is about a 1 1/2 hour drive, my therepist is only a 40 min drive but he cant perscribe meds and my family doc is scared of BP or any mental illness for that matter and doesnt wont to prescribe them to me, I just feel so doggone hopeless right now.

Once again that -you both for your replies and support

 
Old 07-13-2005, 08:58 AM   #5
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Location: Okanagan Valley British Columbia - check it out online - it is amazing!
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jephiner HB User
Re: Am I wrong???

Dear Ragged,
I am glad you are here. This is the perfect place for you to vent. I don't really have any advice that could help (sorry!!!) but I do know what you are feeling. I have had fantasies of just up and moving to small towns where I don't know anyone and then after I have been there long enough that I have gotten uncomfortably familiar then I would move again. That whole gypsy - never get close to anyone - lifestyle is so appealing because I didn't have to go through the pain of having to gauge my emotions by other peoples...I could be normal in my chaos - because I had no one close to feel abnormal around. Does this make sense???? It is very painful to feel out of control when everyone around you seems so in control. The good news is that you are here - and that when you are swinging back and forth - you can talk to us and we will understand. It is not necessary for your husband to feel your pain to love you and be a loving husband - that is what we are here for. Keep your chin up sister and keep coming back and talking.....
Jen
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Old 07-13-2005, 09:59 AM   #6
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Re: Am I wrong???

Ragged,

First of all I'd like to point out that while you think everyone around you has it together, they don't. Everyone has issues, some are just very good at hiding it. Let that comfort you that you are not the odd one. As for the issues distance for your pdoc, get creative. Perhaps you can work out a system of consulting your pdoc or having appts over the phone and the doc can call your Rx in or direct your family doc what scripts to write? I've found the courage to call my pdoc or write a detailed note is easier than dragging in to the office and sitting face to face sometimes. I often have to write down my issues cause I'll forget half of them if forced to rely on my memory.
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Old 07-13-2005, 01:39 PM   #7
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Picali HB User
Re: Am I wrong???

Ragged

Goodness me what a situation to be in - no wonder you've had enough. Sorry for the advice about therapy - really patronising when you've tried it all already, my apologies. Only things I can think are: changing PDoc - I know that's a terribly long way to drive, I wondered why you didn't have the courage to go back and thought maybe a new doc (assuming there's more than one available?) might help. Also, your PDoc and regular doc should be liasing - ie your pdoc should be able to fax/write/email whatever your regular doc and tell him which meds to prescribe so you don't need to go all the way over there to see him everytime you need a script. Can they do phone consulatations? Just save on the journey time, I imagine pretty much your whole day is gone if you have to go all that way. Is your therapist any help? Can you open up with him/her. Self help books? I've read a few that have really helped - one called Coping With Anxiety and Depression by Shirley T? sorry I forget the surname but if you look on Amazon it should come up on a search - v easy to dip in and out of, lots of practical advice and ways to help yourself day to day. Vent here, anytime, whenever, about anything you like, there's always someone in the same situation. Time to yourself - long walks, exercising, painting. drawing, making stuff, anything like that might help a little? Is there a support group anywhere you can get to - don't know how accessible that is where you are?

Sorry, feel a little helpless, it must be so hard to live in a place that's obviously very isolated. Please keep coming back to the board - we're all with you and we've all been in bad places - we know what it's like x

 
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