Ive just been thinking lately (never a good thing)
my boyfriend and i rarely "discuss" or argue.
last week we had a "discussion"
and ive been thinking ever since, but this stuff has always kind of been in the back of my mind.
i dunno, my thoughts are all choppy now...
ok so weve been seeing each other for two years, living together most of that time. basically he said i could stay with him as long as i needed (we were only seeing each other, nothing serious) because my lease had run out on the place i was at, and i had got a live in nanny job that didnt work out. so it was to my parents house i went, but he said i could stay with him, and i said ok, but lemme first tell you every thing you need ot know abou tme (i was a wreck, hospitralized twice that year......
so heres the thing, ive come a hell of a long way since then, but i always feel inadequate, like im just not good enough. he never says or does anything to make me feel this way, i definitly make it up in my head, but in our "discussion" the other day he was saying how i need to get a better job and stuff, and start holding up my end of the deal a little better. it just made me cry, basicaclly because i always feel like im not good enough, even though i usually put 300% into everyday. i think to him it looks like im putting in 50% every day. later i tried to explain to him how every day is a battle with my brain. i spend most of the day fighting bad thoughts, or trying not to cry, etc.
my meds help tremendously with that, but still, for those of you who are pretty well able to live a "normal" life with this stupid disease, i think you know how it is. A lot of days you are just fine, and most days you appear fine to every one else, but inside is such a struggle. i dunno, i think he got it, but i still and have felt so inadequate. and so dependant. the dependency bothers me a lot and i think i get on his nerves sometimes because im so needy emotionallly. like i need constant afection and him to just be there. and when hes not i take it so personally and i feel like i need to leave him so he will be happy. sometimes its so hard to sort things out.
does any of this sound familiar to anyone or am i all alone? i need a vacation from myself...............
Yes it does. Its the thoughts that I struggle with. Something happens, I blame myself for it. And I cant let go of it. I keep going over and over it in my mind.
When Im depressed I feel like Im a burden to my family. When Im manic I AM a burden to my family. I get involved in some scheme and they have to find a way to bring me back down.
Then I go back to beating myself up for what I did.
Nothing feels very good.
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Know exactly where you're coming from on this one - no-one around me understands the effort I put in every day just to do the normal stuff and I'm always being asked why I'm not doing this, that and the other, plus no-one ever helps me out practically (I moved house two days after Christmas this year - was v unstable, on my own with my son who has special needs and not one member of my family did anything to help - they were all too 'busy') which I think just shows they have no understanding of how things are - if you'd lost both your legs it would be very 'visual' and people would be more aware all of the time.
Do you get any help to boost your self esteem? I have found counselling an absolute godsend. i'm finally starting to accept that looking after myself is a big job - add to that being a single parent of a child with learning difficulties and it is becoming acceptable to me to say 'I've got enough to do as it is - I don't need to prove it to anybody else'. The great thing about it is that, as I've worried less about 'proving' to people that I'm not just lazy and feeling it's alright to say 'no' to their requests (because I don't work they think I'm always available) I've actually got stronger and now I'm feeling like I could start working again. All I'm saying is that if your self-esteem were a little higher you could appreciate yourself a little bit more, and that can only be a good thing.
Does anyone feel like they've fallen very short of their potential? The "if only I weren't BP" syndrome where you think of all the things you could have been or done but were too busy struggling with your condition to reach your goals. I had such high expectations of myself, and yet I'm still working the relatively low-paying jobs and don't have much of a career, just been shifting from industry to industry.
I guess it's all a matter of perspective. I know there are plenty of things that I did get right (great husband, amazing son, financial stability as a family, etc.), and still a part of me wonders what happened to that intelligent and motivated person who could have conquered the world.
This goes along with the territory I guess. I'm still trying to make peace with myself on this issue. Unemployment certainly doesn't help. Being Miss First Runner Up for numerous jobs doesn't feel so good, either.
Location: Okanagan Valley British Columbia - check it out online - it is amazing!
Re: i dont know what to call this one...
I can so relate to how you are feeling and that daily struggle that no one else can see. It is a lonely place when everyone else seems so "together"
I don't know if this will be a helpful suggestion to you at all but one of the things that really helps me is a 12 step program. I go to overeater's annonymous and have gone to Adult Children of Alcoholics in the past. Perhaps Codependants Annonymous may be a place that you can work on your independence. I know a few really wonderful people who attend those meetings. If you have never been to a 12 step program then it may seem a little odd at first - but you will find a kind of acceptance there that is very reminiscent of the community here. It may or may not be for you but I have found it is what has given me real hope. Either way - I will have you in my prayers sister....
Everyone is someone else's Freak