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Old 07-16-2005, 02:51 PM   #1
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Unhappy I lost it today... (so sorry it's too long)

I lost it today. I got so mad and disgusted with myself, I didnít think Iíd ever stop sobbing. My husband and I had been out running errands, on the way back we were talking about finances and how we need to be saving and be more ďthriftyĒ. Well, for some reason this triggered it. I guess because I have a new hobby that is costing money. Not a lot, but I feel guilty. I feel like I donít deserve to spend any money on frivolous things, because of all of my medical expenses. I feel like Iím already spending/wasting so much, since Iím going to all these different docs, and not getting any better. So, I started crying. When we got to the house I ran inside and really cried. Then I went straight for the kitchen and stopped by the silverware drawer. I was going to hurt myself. I donít know why, I just wanted to hurt. I felt like I deserved to. I donít remember ever feeling like this. Iíve never really wanted to hurt myself before, that I can remember. I know Iíve punched walls and stuff, but nothing more. Anyway, I didnít do it (thank God). I just kept thinking over and over ďI want to hurt. I deserve to hurt for hurting himĒ. He is so patient and kind, and he deserves so much more than this crap Iím putting us through. I try not to discuss what is going on in my brain with him a lot, just because I know it would hurt him knowing what really goes on in there. But today I knew I had to tell him. He stalled outside for a while, avoiding me Iím sure, because he knew I was upset. When he came in I met him at the door apologizing profusely. I told him I wanted to hurt myself, and that I was scared because Iíve never felt like that. He didnít really say anything. He just held me for about the next hour while I sobbed and confided in him. I told him everything that was popping in my head. I asked him what he thought and he said ďthis is just like the other times you get upset, its going to pass.Ē And he was right. I kept telling him he deserved better, and all I can remember him saying to that was ďits all part of the deal, for better or for worse.Ē
I finally laid down for about an hour and took a nap. I had horrible dreams (no clue what about). Then I had to get up because I had to come in to work. Then tonight we are going to my parentís house for a birthday party. I donít feel good at all. Iím not as sad as I was, but my head hurts. And this whole thing is just reeking havoc on my stomach/IBS. I donít know what to do. Iím just glad the whole ďI deserve to hurtĒ thing passed. And Iím really glad I wasnít alone when it hit. Iím desperately trying to get in to the psych doc my primary doc referred me to. I left a message for my primary doc Friday about getting the forms for FMLA, so that my sick time will cover my doc appts, and so I can stay home with out being penalized if I ever happen to have a day like today during the week. The only reason Iím here at work today is because I was supposed to do some overtime this week; but 8 hours of work a day was all I could do. So, Iím working 5 hours today. Doesnít seem like much, but with the way Iím feeling, it may as well be 10 hours. I have 3 hours leftÖ ugh. Luckily, since its Saturday, and no one is here, I can have the radio on, and am in my comfy clothes, no shoesÖ stuff like that. So that is nice.
I missed all of my meds yesterday. I carry them with me at all times, but I had forgotten to fill my pill minder thingyÖ so I was only able to take the wellbutrin (for some reason I had that in my purse). Surely missing just the one day wouldnít send me into that kind of spiral would it? Oh I donít know. But I made sure not to miss it today. So I donít get what is going on in my head. Why is this just getting worse and worse? I guess Iíve just reached my breaking point.
Does anyone have any good ideas on something nice I can do/get for my husband for being so patient and kind? I know he feels like this is just part of his job as a husband, but I want to thank him. I thought about getting him a card and maybe some sweets or something he really likes? Does anyone have an advise on why Iím having these sudden expolosions and episodes and mood swings? Maybe being more aware of the problem isnít a good thing, especially when Iím not really getting treatment yetÖ
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Old 07-16-2005, 03:15 PM   #2
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Re: I lost it today... (so sorry it's too long)

I can totally relate to you! I have been diagnosed with so many "mental" issue's----im not sure which one's are true! Believe me, im on my 2nd marriage...and i may lose this one. (not only because of my issue's) but most of the **** in our relationship...i feel is my fault!!!! I can think of all kinds of nice things to do for your husband---but believe me, that is only temporary! You need to work on yourself. Are you in therapy? and are you on any meds? I have had just NIGHTMARE experiences with counselors and ohyciatrists, and have been on EVERY med out there!!! This last one, made me worse, and out of my mind----my phyciatrist would not take me off, or cut me back----so i cut back (eventually will stop it) and i fired her!!!! I am so frusterated, i could scream?! I treat myself and my husband horrible---i have been "sick" for as long as i can remember. Sorry, im getting into my story! Back to your's......can you talk to your husband---i mean communicate well? It sounds like he is really there for you. When you act like this and feel like ****, you can get a nice card---get some flower's, cook a nice dinner, do soemthing special for him. Like i said though, this is temporary---and not a fix! I am soooo unhappy right now....I HATE MY LIFE!! I am also a recovering addict/alcoholic, and you know what???? when i was masking my pain----truly i was better off....as far as mentally! I've never felt so frickin miserable and unhappy in all my life! I have amazing strength, and i wont go back to that life.....but i do think about it, and without the support of my husband...i probably would. Im sorry, if i didnt help ya......i know it does feel good though to have someone post, and be able to relate to you..............it makes me feel better! Take Care...i too wish this would end!.................................... ....

 
Old 07-16-2005, 03:29 PM   #3
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: I lost it today... (so sorry it's too long)

Thanks for the post princess. Sorry you're having such a hard time too. My hubby is wonderful. I really don't think we will ever split up, and I can't see him leaving me over all of this illness I'm going through. I don't ever treat him like crap directly, its just that I treat myself so badly, it ends up hurting him. It's kind of hard to explain. But I'm pretty sure it tears him up to see me hurting so bad, and not really being able to help me much. He does listen, and we communicate very well. I just have a hard time confiding the extent of my mental illness with anyone, because it seems so strange. And, I don't really know anyone who has ever had any of these issues. I am adopted, so I know no family history. And while my adopted family is great, they have no grasp onthe situation. They act like I should be able to just snap out of it. Plus, they blame themselves. So, I don't talk to them much about it either. And, they really don't understand when I say I don't feel like doing things, like going to this birthday party. They would be so mad if I didn't go, so I have to. I am on medication, and am on a cancellation list for a psychiatrist. My appt is standing at Sept 20th right now. I too have had very bad luck with psychiatrists, but my primary doc referred me to him, and she knows the problems I've had, so I trust her. I have a new therapist too, but she is an LPC, so she can't prescribe Rx, which is what really needs to be worked on I think. I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar, but I'm currently only on antidepressants, so I think that is why I'm cycling so much lately. I guess I just feel like I need to do something nice to thank my husband, because he has to handle the brunt of my problems, since I don't have anyone else to talk to. He is truly my best friend & soul mate, I just want to remind him of that. Good luck with your stuff too. This too shall pass... ( I HOPE! )
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Old 07-16-2005, 04:55 PM   #4
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princess72 HB User
Re: I lost it today... (so sorry it's too long)

I am adopted too......i know there must be mental illness in my background----even though i dont know much about my biological family. She used heroin while pregnant with me, so im sure that is where my addiction comes from. I am also married to a wonderful man...these are my insecurities that he doesnt deserve a person like myself. If i lose him, it will be me doing so. He is very supportive and loves me more than any man will ever love me. Maybe, i just dont accept it???? Who knows???? I hope this phyciatrist helps you, as they are trial and error, as well as medications? If anything, i deal with alot of frusteration and anger.....i truly wish there was a "miracle" drug out there. I just would love to feel normal----whatever that is. Take Care.......

 
Old 07-16-2005, 05:00 PM   #5
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: I lost it today... (so sorry it's too long)

Quote:
Originally Posted by princess72
I just would love to feel normal----whatever that is. Take Care.......
AMEN TO THAT!!!
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A positive attitude wonít solve your probs, but it will annoy enough people to be worth the effort.

 
Old 07-17-2005, 06:25 AM   #6
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keystone206 HB User
Re: I lost it today... (so sorry it's too long)

I was adopted to, and a few years ago found my birth mother and half sisters. I discovered that my BM drank while pregnant with me. But, I also know for a fact that there is mental illness in the family.
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Old 07-18-2005, 10:10 AM   #7
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: I lost it today... (so sorry it's too long)

Well, it seems some good came of all of this crap from Saturday. While I would have rather just done without the whole thing, I think it helped me. I feel much closer to my husband now. I don't know why, I guess just because he was so good to me. He wouldn't leave me alone til he knew I was okay (probably out of fear of what I would do), and he just held me and let me get it out. Then, Saturday night, I was able to enjoy some "time" with him if you know what I mean. That has been hard lately, as anyone with any type of BP or depression would understand. And, I know now that he knows there is definitly something wrong. I don't think he ever doubted me, but I doubted myself. After that, I know that something is up. And, since I verbalized my feelings, he was able to see it too. So that is good. And, I got the FMLA paperwork faxed to my doc. After that I realized I'm in major need of help. And, if there is a government law that states I should be able to use my sick time for psych appointments, since it is related to a chronic illness, I'm gonna take advantage of it. My doc says she will fill it all out so I can send it to our HR for approval. So, that is good. So now I guess I'm out of the depression because I'm really trying to see the bright side of everything.
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A positive attitude wonít solve your probs, but it will annoy enough people to be worth the effort.

 
Old 07-18-2005, 02:55 PM   #8
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princess72 HB User
Re: I lost it today... (so sorry it's too long)

Yeah..........Im happy for you! I hope you feel better soon!

 
Old 07-18-2005, 02:57 PM   #9
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: I lost it today... (so sorry it's too long)

Thanks Princess! I hope so too! And I hope you're better too!!!
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