angelblue65

Wasn't I on here just a few weeks ago updating everyone at how much my BF and I were working on things and how good I felt about it? I felt so hopeful. It felt like we were at a positive turning point and I was even in a place where I was offering advice to others here.

I wasn't that naive in thinking that everything was ok. I don't have my head buried in the sand - I knew he was still struggling. But with the new therapist, pdoc, our move, a hopeful approaching surgery, things were looking up.

And suddenly WHAM, and I do mean suddenly, things have gotten so bad. I have watched this beautiful human being sink so low that there is no reaching him. It's not that we argued and we're not talking. He has simply withdrawn. Worse than I've EVER seen him. We barely have a conversation - that is even too much for him. When I do speak, it's like he's hardly there, or I have a knack for saying the wrong thing.

I've lost the support I once had from his Mom so I cannot involve her. At this point, I think that would make things worse. The one lengthy conversation she had with him a week or two ago was when he feigned "normalcy" more for his benefit than hers. He has often told me that if she has even an inkling that he's struggling or is agitated, she goes off on talking about it and then bringing up his childhood trauma issues thinking he needs to talk about it. Happens every time and he hates it. So because of this last conversation, she tells me he's fine and I get the feeling she thinks the problem lies with me. I've never claimed to be perfect in this - I tend to lean towards the caretaker roll but I live with him and I know what's going on and it's not good.

I see him faithfully take his meds at night because we tend to do it together. But I don't always know if he takes them in the morning. I know he missed at least 2 days in a row a couple of weeks ago and over the weekend, he let 3 of his meds (including the lithium) run out so he's been 2 days without them. He called the pdoc and surprisingly she has not returned his calls. So I stepped in and called the pharmacy because the pharmacist knows us (by name now) and I figured she would give him a day or two's worth until he gets the new scripts called in - which is what she did.

But my BF is really upset with me saying that I sometimes treat him like a child, he can take care of himself, etc.. I've really tried backing off but when I see something where I think there's a slight danger (missing meds), I think I should step in. Am I wrong?

He also told me he doesn't know what to do anymore - about me, his kids, the house, himself. I know this was not the time to say anything but what does he mean "the house", "me", the "kids". I'm so scared I can't even tell you. It's like he wants to be left alone and I get that, I do. I can't say I understand but I've learned enough to know that the place he's in right now, he doesn't want to be responsible for anything or anyone else. I've made drastic changes for myself but it's hard, being with each other every day.

I feel like it's all too late. Even with the changes I'm making for myself. I've heard so many stories where individuals in this state leave everything - and regret it later. This is, not was, IS, the man that I want to be with. I love him so much. He's everything I've ever wanted and I hate, hate, hate this illness for robbing him of his personality, his happiness, his hope. It's almost as if depression hands people a dose of amnesia because they don't seem to remember any of the things that brought them pleasure. I can't even say anything to boost him that used to help. He wants nothing from me and it hurts so much.

I'm thankful that he is seeing his therapist tomorrow (he's back on the twice/week schedule) but in the mean time, I'm so sad. Sad for him, for me, for us. One of his sons came home on Sunday and I thought, as Z suggested, that maybe he'd make a difference by being here. I don't know if I should pull him aside to let him know something's "up" with his Dad. I don't want to betray my BF.

I can't even think straight - what is my role here? Do I talk to his son? Do I still watch over the meds (I'm just afraid that right now, doing anything to agitate my BF will just make him say that's it and leave me), what? I can't remember ever feeling this much pain. Is this how it happens - so suddenly like this?