Wasn't I on here just a few weeks ago updating everyone at how much my BF and I were working on things and how good I felt about it? I felt so hopeful. It felt like we were at a positive turning point and I was even in a place where I was offering advice to others here.
I wasn't that naive in thinking that everything was ok. I don't have my head buried in the sand - I knew he was still struggling. But with the new therapist, pdoc, our move, a hopeful approaching surgery, things were looking up.
And suddenly WHAM, and I do mean suddenly, things have gotten so bad. I have watched this beautiful human being sink so low that there is no reaching him. It's not that we argued and we're not talking. He has simply withdrawn. Worse than I've EVER seen him. We barely have a conversation - that is even too much for him. When I do speak, it's like he's hardly there, or I have a knack for saying the wrong thing.
I've lost the support I once had from his Mom so I cannot involve her. At this point, I think that would make things worse. The one lengthy conversation she had with him a week or two ago was when he feigned "normalcy" more for his benefit than hers. He has often told me that if she has even an inkling that he's struggling or is agitated, she goes off on talking about it and then bringing up his childhood trauma issues thinking he needs to talk about it. Happens every time and he hates it. So because of this last conversation, she tells me he's fine and I get the feeling she thinks the problem lies with me. I've never claimed to be perfect in this - I tend to lean towards the caretaker roll but I live with him and I know what's going on and it's not good.
I see him faithfully take his meds at night because we tend to do it together. But I don't always know if he takes them in the morning. I know he missed at least 2 days in a row a couple of weeks ago and over the weekend, he let 3 of his meds (including the lithium) run out so he's been 2 days without them. He called the pdoc and surprisingly she has not returned his calls. So I stepped in and called the pharmacy because the pharmacist knows us (by name now) and I figured she would give him a day or two's worth until he gets the new scripts called in - which is what she did.
But my BF is really upset with me saying that I sometimes treat him like a child, he can take care of himself, etc.. I've really tried backing off but when I see something where I think there's a slight danger (missing meds), I think I should step in. Am I wrong?
He also told me he doesn't know what to do anymore - about me, his kids, the house, himself. I know this was not the time to say anything but what does he mean "the house", "me", the "kids". I'm so scared I can't even tell you. It's like he wants to be left alone and I get that, I do. I can't say I understand but I've learned enough to know that the place he's in right now, he doesn't want to be responsible for anything or anyone else. I've made drastic changes for myself but it's hard, being with each other every day.
I feel like it's all too late. Even with the changes I'm making for myself. I've heard so many stories where individuals in this state leave everything - and regret it later. This is, not was, IS, the man that I want to be with. I love him so much. He's everything I've ever wanted and I hate, hate, hate this illness for robbing him of his personality, his happiness, his hope. It's almost as if depression hands people a dose of amnesia because they don't seem to remember any of the things that brought them pleasure. I can't even say anything to boost him that used to help. He wants nothing from me and it hurts so much.
I'm thankful that he is seeing his therapist tomorrow (he's back on the twice/week schedule) but in the mean time, I'm so sad. Sad for him, for me, for us. One of his sons came home on Sunday and I thought, as Z suggested, that maybe he'd make a difference by being here. I don't know if I should pull him aside to let him know something's "up" with his Dad. I don't want to betray my BF.
I can't even think straight - what is my role here? Do I talk to his son? Do I still watch over the meds (I'm just afraid that right now, doing anything to agitate my BF will just make him say that's it and leave me), what? I can't remember ever feeling this much pain. Is this how it happens - so suddenly like this?
sorry to hear youre going through a lot. i know what you mean, as soon as you think its great, it falls apart. with my gf (well, actually we are taking a break right now, so i dont think i can say gf) it can be so up and down. we had been fighting A LOT. but ya know, i know she may have some bi-p issues, but if my feelings are hurt, they are hurt. i cant make excuses all the time. it will not make me happier to do that.
the one thing you said that really struck me was:
"sometimes i feel like i cant say the right thing"
i know EXACTLY what you mean. no matter what i say, either she says im mocking her, or "youre not helping" or "im fine. dont treat me like a child"... its very tough.
i want things to be good, but i wonder if they can be again.
Nice to hear from you. Thanks for checking in - I appreciate it.
I know what you mean that when your feelings are hurt, they're hurt. It's like the hurt happens first, then it's up to you or me to determine how we process it and/or let it affect us.
If my BF and I hadn't shared something so special for so long, I'm not sure where I'd be right now. But knowing how good it can be and what a great person he is (even though he's not seeing that right now) is so hard. It's pure torture because I want it all back - or even some semblance of it.
I know this sounds crazy and I surely don't mean it the way it might sound but right now, I would welcome the elevated agitated states from the BP. At least then I know it's only going to last for so long and things are good again. This, the way things are now, it's scary. I never took my BF for granted, ever. And I cherished every moment we spent together. For our one year anniversary, I put together a scrap book of little things I kept from different places we went, photos of us over the course of last summer/fall, e-mails we sent to each other, etc. and he loved it. It's what I'm hanging onto now - what I hope to have with him again. Even some of it.....
I'm sorry to hear you and your GF are on a break. Hopefully, something good will come out of it and it will be the time you two need to appreciate each other and figure things out. Have you been in touch with her at all during this time?
The one thing that I don't know if I'll ever be able to get across to my BF is the fact that because he has this illness, it causes an arena for concern. Granted, there are levels of concern and you must learn the fine line to walk so you don't become overbearing but how can we not worry? I still haven't found the right recipe for success in this area! I can do the same thing one day and it's helpful and next week I'm treating him like a child. So I think mood has a lot to do with it too.
Oh, I'm just ramlbing now. I should stop. Thanks though again for saying hi.
yeah its very hard. well i was talking to my ex, but last night we got into a huge fight and i realized, i cant talk to her now. i think its going to be more than just a break, i think its over for good.
basically, she will not take responsibility for her actions. she may be bi-p, but that doesnt mean i have to always be on egg shells. i guess im just not cut out for it. i can take a lot. i adapt, but it didnt make me happy anymore. it doesnt work for me that she is allowed to act however she wants and i need to always be ready to react the "right" way.
there is no right way.
if im hurt. im hurt. giving her a pass everytime because she has this "thing", however true that may be, was not making me happier. it was just making me more insecure.
so i guess im going to move on. shes a great person, and i know she has an illness somewhere in her head. but if shes not ready to even admit theres an issue and blame me, thats where it stops.
just try to stay positive. its a lot of work. i give you credit if you can do it.
Hi ! Angel,
You know what ??? I think it's your turn, Dear ! I have been around here reading about
what a hard time you are always having.
I have also read about how your BF treats you, and how his Kids treat you,
and now your MIL is not being supportive !
This is just my opinion..., I am sure you love each other. Maybe YOU just need a
break ! I also know about ' Step-Children ', and I promise you, knowing that you have
tried everything in this world to do the right thing....., I know one thing for sure...,
I would, ' Make like a Tree and Leave ! '
It sounds like your BF needs to be in the hospital long enough to get his meds.,
stabelized..., Think about yourself for a change. I know it can't be a good thing,
cuz you are always upset with each other.., Sometimes Love just isn't enough...,
Take Care, Gee Gee
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
Posts: 447
Re: Is It Over? (Long)
Hi Angel,
I'm out California now, (don't even ask how that's going right now, ~ not good, but we're talking about you....) Anyway, I've been super busy since I've been out here, but I just had this strong feeling I needed to check the boards.....and here you are ~ I'm so sorry for you.
I can only imagine how you must be feeling right now, so scared, and worried. I don't even know what to say to you this time. I can only hope that things work themselves out for you. Try and remember that us bipolars can swing from being completely despondent, to being ok again, it is possible... This may just be a bad episode that passes quickly, and he learns a lesson from it about how important it is to stay on top of things ~ Like his Meds!!
As you mentioned, you have had a lot of stress in your life, and if he's in chronic pain, I know how much the combination of those two things can be a trigger. I have been in that awful place you descibed, and I thought it never would get better, but it did ~ with the support of my family.......and by the way, I think it IS your job to watch out for him, if he's not taking responsibilty for his illness, you should step in and help him, and if he resents that, it is probably mostly due to his state of mind at the time because of his episode, and you shouldn't take it personally.
On the other hand, like Gee Gee said, you should really consider if it's in your best interest to stick around at this point. I know you love him, but he may be better off being allowed to hit bottom, if that's what needs to happen in order for him to get better. It sounds to me like he's overwhelmed with everything right now, and keeping a relationship together is just too much. Not that he doesn't love you, and you can't still be together when he gets better, but if he's that sick, he may need more help than you can give him right now....I just don't know....
I wish I could be more help to you, I will pray for you ( and I don't say that very often!) and I really hope that you're taking care of yourself, and figure all of this out.
Hi Angel,
I really don't consider myself to be a religious fanatic. I live in a small town too,
much to my dismay. My GH and I don't go to the Church all the time.
But Angel, I do believe in God, the God that I know,
and I believe in the Power of Prayer.
Some people choose to say they believe in a ' Higher Power ', and I think God is
maybe different to different folks..,
I learned from my Mom that I do not have to go to church to be close to God, and be
a Spiritual person, and pray every day, and to pray for others.
My Mom suffered for several years with Leukemia. She didn't go to Church, not even
before she got sick. She made me and my Sister go.lol. So, I did go to Church when I
was growing up.
My Mom was a wonderful spiritual Lady. She read her Bible, and she prayed, and
she experienced the Power of Prayer. And, she taught us unconditional love.
The Doctors gave up on her so many times, told us that she wouldn't make it through
the night, sooooo many times, then they would go in her room, the next morning,
and her smile lit up the room like nothing you have ever seen.
I am just so glad that you aren't upset with me.
You are important, you are a special person, and God put you here, on this earth,
for a purpose, many reasons...,
Please remember that.....,
Thinking of YOU,
Gee Gee
PS. When my DH called on Thursday on his cell phone, he said, ' Honey, I am alright,
I have had a wreck, but be praying, because I am so lucky to be here.'
If you could see the truck, you wouldn't believe he IS here.
When we talked later, he said, ' Well, I just have more proof that I am here for a
special reason, and it just wasn't my time to go. HE is not ready for me yet. '
I have really counted my blessings, since that day, and I know he was right.....
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
Posts: 447
Re: Is It Over? (Long)
Hi Angel,
I'm glad if I can be of any help to you as always. And you're absolutley right about the fact that he is sick, and it would really be wrong to turn your back on him when he needs you most. If he's really pushing you away like you described, then that's a big challenge. ( I literally ran away from my husband when I was having my worst episode. I think he just always believed things would eventually work out and they did. It still amazes me that he's forgiven me and stuck by my side. BTW, my husband's family has been really nice to be since I've been out here, I guess they were finally able to forgive and understand also.)
You've always known this would be a tough road for you, but when it's bad, it's really, really bad, and there's really not much anyone can say to make it better. You have to find that strength from within to help you through.
I wish I could shed some light on the church thing for you, I've never been a church goer myself, which is not to say I don't believe in God. I just believe you don't have to enter a building with a cross on it in order to pray, and if you're a good person and treat others kindly, and be a christian in your heart, that's enough. Although I have had my struggles for sure, things have always had a way of working out so far. They don't always work out the way you think they're supposed to, that's the hard part for me.
Like now with the custody thing going on, I know that even if my son doesn't end up with me this year, he will next year, and for the rest of his life, we will have a close loving relationship, and he wants me in his life. That's what really matters. (BTW, my court date was postponed until the end of August when I will be back in Minnesota, and he will already have started school, I can't fly back out then, because my daughter starts school then also, and there's not a darn thing I can do about it. Aaargh! Anyway, enough about me....I'm hanging in there, you do what you can and take the good with the bad, right?) No one ever said life was fair....but I still have a lot to be thankful for.
Just know that one way or another he's going to get past that place that he's in right now, and I know it's so hard, because you can't do it for him, and he even resents your help in the state he's in now. That's really tough. And like you mentioned, the lines become blurred when you're in a relationship with someone who's sick, you want to follow all of the 'relationship rules', but how do you do that with someone who isn't thinking straight, and isn't themselves? I think back to when I was really struggling, and I just cringe imagining how my dh must have felt, wondering sometimes if it would ever get better.....
Just hang in there, and I will check in and see how you are, if you need me I'll be around, Ok?
~~heather~~
Last edited by polarized13; 07-19-2005 at 03:50 PM.
Reason: mis-spelling
Gee Gee,
My parents never made me go to church even though I know they believed. I guess I had the freedom to develop my own beliefs. I consider myself to be very spiritual and do believe in my own way. And I definitely mirror what Heather says - in that you don't have to step inside a building in order to be a good person or have beliefs.
Something happened to me a couple of years ago that I truly felt was a message - it was a moment where something could have turned out really really bad but my life and possibly that of another, was spared so I can understand what your husband was referring to. On the other hand, I catch myself wondering why so many good people (such as here) are made to suffer. But I guess that thinking doesn't lead to anything productive.
ANYWAYS, Gee, of course I would not be upset with you. I've been called on stuff here and I am fine with that. I'd rather hear from the heart, even if it's something I don't necessarily agree with, than people validating everything. I've only been to two therapists in my life - the first one when I was dealing with my parents dying (among so many other things at the same time) but I left each time not feeling any better than when I went in and I figured out why - she never called me on my stuff. She just agreed with everything I went in and complained about. I didn't learn a thing. My new therapist tells me when I'm acting out of my own stuff and I've learned a lot. Just as I do here.
Heather, what can I say, you and everyone here have been so supportive and I feel very fortunate that I have found you guys. Very fortunate. It's hard to see that things are going to turn around when it's just so messed up right now. But I have to believe. Otherwise, what do we exist for?
Interestingly enough, last night my game got canceled from rain but because it's Tues. night and my BF goes to the archery thing, I didn't want to just sit at home so I went out with one of the girls and guys on the team to get something to eat and we were out 'til just past 11 (later than when my BF gets home). I had no idea what time it was but I actually found myself enjoying being with my friends. Anyways, since we are barely speaking, I didn't think it would matter to call (normally I would be very conscious about that sort of thing) but on my way home, he called me. Not in an admonishing way but the ole "guy" thing where he was playing it cool even though I think he was a bit worried. And then he told me he was happy that I went out. And told me again when we were going to bed. I know this is what is going to help - me being involved with other things so he doesn't have to worry about me (how his actions are affecting me) and seeing me mope around the house. If he doesn't worry about me in that way, then he can concentrate on himself. At least that's my line of thinking.
And even wierder - in the middle of the night, he kept holding me real close whatever way I turned, he did and it was like before. But when he got up just before the alarm went off, it's like his conscious mind awoke and I don't know if he remembers doing any of this. I didn't mention it because I didn't want to make a big deal about it but maybe these are signs that it's starting to turn around. I can only hope...............
And Heather, ugh, why do these court things have to drag themselves out?? I'm sorry that did not work out but were you able to have a good visit with your son? I was really hoping for you. It sounds like you're looking at the positive which I know must be hard right now but think of all the good things that will happen when your son is back with you. Can he come to visit during school vacations?
Thanks again guys, it was nice logging on this morning and finding you here. I really do appreciate it.
Last edited by angelblue65; 07-20-2005 at 06:08 AM.
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
Posts: 447
Re: Is It Over? (Long)
Hi,
I'm so glad you had a nice evening with your friends, and then things were better with your bf. Us bipolars are so unpredictable, huh? Sounds like things are looking up, yeah!
Yes, my Son has flown out to visit five times over the last school year, and he just spent the last 6 weeks with us, I just took him back to his Dad's yesterday. We were up at the lake at my Parent's Cabin over the weekend, and we got to do lots of fun stuff like going horsebackriding, and swimming, and hiking, it was really nice. As it turns out, the Lawyer I hired is one of the fill-in Judges in my county, the main Judge is retiring, and the reason the hearing was postponed was because he would have been the Judge hearing my case ~funny,huh? It's good that I have such a great attorney, and he will be a full-time Judge soon, but what are the odds that this would happen? Oh well. Like I always say, everything happens for a reason....
Now our goal is to get him out for the second half of the school year, it's out of my hands now, and I just need to see how things work out.
I think I'm going to shorten my trip out here, and go back home, I miss my husband so much already, and I want to go home.
Anyways, it was nice hearing from you, let us know how it all goes, ok?
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU !!!
I am so glad you went out with your friends,
and maybe you should make it a point to do this more.., maybe ?
It sounds like this is a good thing for both of you.
I hope everything is going alright. Isn't it funny that when we just step back
from our situation a bit, we can see things in a different light ?
I think your BF will respect you for taking up for yourself. And, you owe it
to yourself to maintain your independance.
On this one, I am speaking from experience.
I had to retire (I was a Hairstylist), about eight years ago, because of my bum knee that I had surgery on in 93',
and I was at the point that I could no longer keep my
Business going.
Since that time, I have lost track of friends, and I truly miss being around
people. AND, I have lost a lot of my independance here at home.
My GH takes care of everything, as far as our finances go. He does keep
me posted, and we talk. I am just used to managing my own stuff, Ya know?
He pretty much does everything else TOO !
I am having so many health problems these days, so that and my Meds.,
on top of this. As my Mama would say, ' I don't have enough strength to
cuss a cat ! 'lol.
I am worried about my GH, as he seems so very depressed. He has a new
Boss at work (He works for the US. Postal Service !), and he is trying to get
used to things being different at work.
Also, he has put in for a Management position, and he is going for an
interview on Tuesday ! I am excited for him ! Maybe, just maybe, this
will be a great thing, that we may be able to move from this PoDunk town.
And, I also think he is dazed and confused by his near death experience...,
last week, what do you think about that ?
I went down the other day and looked at the truck, I got sick and had to
rush home. This was truly a Miracle....,
I have just backed off, and let him have some space. This works well for me,
when he is like this. I have been looking at him, out on the patio this
afternoon, just staring into space...,
He came through a few minutes ago and said he was sorry for ignoring me.
I told him that I DO understand. He just has soooo much on his mind.
Speaking for myself, I really need my space sometimes, and I like being
able to have a lot of it.
Our four grown Kids live just the RIGHT distance away.lol. I love them,
and my five Grands., but they just wear me OUT !
I hope I don't sound bad..., it's just that they all have their own issues, and
what I don't know about their business.., the better.
Girl, Thank You, so much for listening, and let me hear from you, Okay ?
Take Care,
Gee Gee
Hey Guys, last night was the first time we've had a real conversation in quite a while. One was more serious than the other and the "old" me would have pushed for more info (he spoke of past suicide thoughts......this was after watching a horror (kind of) movie with some religious theme in it about Heaven and Hell). I was ready to ask him more but I didn't. I'm really really trying to let him come around on his own.
I know I could drive myself crazy just looking for "signs" that things are getting a bit better but I can't help it.
What bothers me is all the new meds he's taking. It is making him sooooo tired. I remember him saying last year that he absolutely hates being on anything that makes him feel like a zombie. Yet it's only been 2 weeks with the Seroquel and about a week for the amytryptoline (which he's actually taking for his migraines) so I'm wondering if it just takes a while for his body to adjust again and then he won't be so tired? I know the depression doesn't help.
I guess there's really nothing new to report. It's still hard because I miss the "us" but I just pray he will find peace to live in this world and from that, everything else will hopefully fall into place. And if that happens, then I will have learned much. I still look at him and see a beautiful man and I am still thankful that I met him. I might do things a bit differently if I had the chance but I would not choose another life with someone else.
I can't remember if I posted this but his 3rd knee surgery is scheduled for Aug. 1. So if you guys can send positive thoughts to us on that day, he really needs to have this surgery be a successful one. If he isn't able to get back to work after this one, well, I just don't want to think about it.
I was going to start a new thread but the title of this one still kind of fits. Tonight he finally confided in me how he was feeling - this was huge seeing that we've barely spoken in weeks. It was more of the same of what he's been expressing in the past couple of months - in that he feels that a little more of him is disappearing each day and he feels that one day, he's going to wake up and there'll be nothing left.
For a while, the conversation went well - well by way of me listening and just reiterating what he felt. But when he started talking about how "this is it", this is how his life is meant to be, how he's meant to feel, how there is no med combo out there that will work for him, that's when I VERY QUIETLY suggested that he doesn't have to accept his current situation. I referred to what I've read here on the boards as examples of people living lives with enjoyment and not "zombie-like" as he feels. I told him he does not deserve to have this be IT for him and that maybe he should see his pdoc even more than he does (he does not have a set schedule since she is so new to him).
But when he said this is it, this is what he is, I started crying. I tried not to but I did and I went into the bathroom. All I can think of is that we don't even have a relationship any more. We're basically roommates at best and it suddenly hit me - what if he gives up and accepts that this is all it will ever be. It made me realize that I can't live like this forever and that hurt more than I've ever felt.
Of course, now that I reacted this way, he's upset with me and told me he never should have said anything. I told him that honesty and communication is best no matter what the reaction. I could tell that if I continued, it would have resulted into one of our typical arguments so I stopped but now I don't know what to do. After working so hard these last few weeks, I finally get him to open up to me, to trust me to tell me his feelings, and because I'm so damn emotional, we took major steps backwards - again.
I don't want to be yet another disappointment in his life. I'm not a quitter. I want to wait to see after this surgery how he does because if he gets to go back to work, it may be just what he needs to give him hope. Like I said before, I'd always wonder if things ended now and I can't live with that. But I can't live with him giving up either.
I look at photos from last summer and we were so happy. Am I living in a dream world to think we can ever find that again? And is it possible that some people with this illness just don't respond to ANY med combo?
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
Posts: 447
Re: Is It Over? (Long)
Hi Angel,
I'm finally back from my trip! I don't miss California so much now that I have gone home to visit. Funny, huh? I just got back in town on Friday. It's nice to be home!!
Anyway, I don't know what the answer to your question is about if some people don't respond to medication. I suppose there are those who are resistant to drug therapy. I think in your bf's case, he isn't taking them the right way, since you mentioned before that he ran out, and you had to help him get them refilled. He's not taking responsibilty for his illness, and that's a big problem. Maybe he's just too sick, and he can't, I don't know. I'm really sorry you're struggling. Are things any better now?
Hi Heather,
It is soooo nice to hear from you and you sound in such good spirits. I'm happy for you.
I haven't posted here in a while - I've checked on here now and then just to see what's going on. At one point, I saw that your name was banned ?????????? which was strange but I knew you'd be back.
But I've just been so distraught that I feel like giving up.
Remember the "friendship" I was questioning with that girl who shares the past trauma issue w/my BF? Well, I have very very good reasons to believe that the boundary lines have been crossed - to what extent I do not know. And it's killing me. If someone could just definitively tell me "yes, it's the depression that is clouding his judgment and causing him to behave in ways he would NEVER act in a more rational state" then it would be so much more acceptable.
I can live with the Bipolar and all the moods, irritability, hypomania, etc. that goes with it.
I can live with the Depression and the withdrawal, the lack of a relationship, no conversation, etc.
I can live with his two teenage sons and all the wonderful things that go along with that
I can live with him not working as the car accident was not his fault
I CAN NOT live with him hurting me by spending time with another female.
Well, I had a talk with him last night. He was "relaxed" from the surgery as I was driving us home. Not that I had planned on talking to him the day of his surgery (sheesh I'm not that bad!) but for the first time in a long time he had been in a fairly good mood awaiting the surgery and he kept asking me what was wrong. So when he asked me again on the way home, I took a deep breath and started the conversation - one he did not appreciate but I started by saying "look, we both know this thing with (insert HER name) has gone much further than first intended" and he did not respond for the longest time. Then I told him why I thought this "friendship" was going on and if he was just honest with me about it I could accept it alot easier (meaning JUST ADMIT what's going on). I pointed out that he's already hurt me enough - honesty could not make it any worse than what I'm already thinking. But nope, he would not budge nor would he admit to anything of the wrong. I told him I've given him every opportunity to be more open with me. I also explained I was not giving him an ultimatum, that I know better, but that he does have CHOICES and informed him that I could not live like this.
With that said, I'm giving him time to think about all of it. I asked him this morning if he was still mad and he told me that he was "upset and disappointed" and I replied "so am I".
I would NEVER leave him because of his illness or anything else. But I guess this (the "friendship") is one thing I cannot live with and that is my limit. So I will give this a bit of time to see what he chooses to do and then go from there. I do not want to live without this man yet I cannot live with him hurting me. I was prepared to be by his side for everything but how can I when he gives more attention to another woman and plays relationship with her?
If I'm just being a big baby in this, tell me. In some ways I feel that I am - I admit it - I want to be "his world" again and feel like I did before. But even if he never finds his way back to how he was last year, I want our lives to at least be minus a "diversion". I'm so confused right now I don't know what to do.
Taking a break is not so easy either. Our lives our so intertwined financially that neither of us can afford to live on our own (not even close). I have no family that I can stay with briefly and I have 4 cats so it's not like I can just go and stay at a friend's house for a month (one friend offered until she was reminded of my cats).
.............I'm just so lost. But you'd be proud of me. I've backed off so much that I'm not doing anything for him (not in a mean way, just mean that I'm waiting for him to ask me for help and not fussing over him). I'm hoping his surgery yesterday will be the one that finally fixes his knee, he goes back to work, and starts feeling better about himself.
It sucks, I'm the one who has been by his side this whole time but I'm also the one who represents stress, bills, relationship responsibilities, etc. etc. and SHE gets all the glory.
Can I scream now?
Oh, by the way, thanks for checking in. You're an angel, you know that?
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
Posts: 447
Re: Is It Over? (Long)
Hi Angel,
Hey, no problem, I always wonder how you're doing. Yours was one of the first threads I ever read when I joined these boards, and I've always cared about how you were doing, knowing how many diffuculties you're facing with your bf's problems. I can relate so much after everything my dh and I have gone through, life can be downright hellish sometimes, ya know?
Anyhow, ya ~ I was pretty shocked about the banned thing, too. ~ but I found out what it was about, and it's all good now. ( I would tell you, but we're not supposed to talk about moderator issues, so ~ I'm back, and hopefully it won't happen again...)
Anyhoo ~ I'm probably the wrong one to talk to about 'emotional affairs' which is what it sounds like you were referring to with your bf ~ I don't know, maybe it was more than that. I have a little story, I can't remember if I told you about this before or not:
When I was married the first time, ( My husband and I were very young 22 and 24 ) My husband was a soccer coach for the local high school ~ girls varsity team. And he really liked one of the girls alot, he made her the team captain, and she would come over and babysit for us, and it was all good. But I had this funny feeling that he really 'liked' her, and I confronted him on it. He got angry, and said I was being rediculous. He emotionally checked out of the marriage at that point. I eventually left, and the day she turned 18 , he asked me for a divorce so he could marry her. True story.
They have been married now for 9 years, and have two daughters, and 'she' is the one raising my son at this point. I have had ALOT of therapy on this one. Needless to say I am highly sensitive about these kinds of issues because of my history.
Listen to your gut. I understand what you mean about being financially entwined, but a few weeks of sleeping on a friends couch, and finding a temporary home for your cats is nothing in the big picture, if that's what needs to happen. I know it's miserable ~ believe me, I have been there. But that has to be the final straw if that's what's going on, after everything you have done for him, and stuck by him, you can't let this go on and put up with it, you just can't. I wish men weren't ~ you know, like that. It's horrible.
I'm not saying this has to be the end of your relationship, because many couples struggle with affairs, and still manage to reconcile their problems, and have a good healthy relationship again in the future. And that kind of behavior is a sign and symptom of mania. He probably gets a rush from it. And he has been inconsistent with his meds recently, and that is exactly the kind of poor judgement that you can expect to see as a result.
My husband and I have both been unfaithful, and we have seen that the grass isn't all that greener on the other side. We also did lots of counseling together, sorted through all the problems and worked things out.
Yes, you can scream and cry, and be mad, you deserve to be. I'm so sorry. Down the road it can still get better, if both of you are wiling to work on things, but you will have to wait and see. I will check back with you later tonight, ok?
~~heather~~
Last edited by polarized13; 08-03-2005 at 03:41 PM.
Heather, I do remember you telling me what happened with your ex. I'm amazed they are still together. Because, like you said, you do usually end up finding out the grass is not greener on the other side.
Hey, none of us are perfect. I had a huge crush on this guy in my first marriage and we hung out (I never did anything but all the same....) so I'm thinking ok, if I can do something like that then who am I to judge. Of course when it's done TO you, it's a whole different story. I am certainly not looking to take any blame for my BF's behavior but since his second surgery in Oct. I became "motherly". How sexy is that?! And you were the one to remind me of co-dependency. It was so easy though because he was soooo sick from that surgery. He was in the emergency room TWICE within a week and a half following surgery and it was scary. He was unable to do anything for himself. But after that, I guess I didn't back off enough. And with the number he is doing on himself (the guilt of not being able to work, his illness and how he hates how it affects me and his kids, etc.) it's no wonder he needs a diversion.
There are moments where I think about it and want to slap some sense into him and then there's other times where I am so overwhelmed with compassion especially not ever being able to fathom what is going on in his head that I can't help but give him a free (sort of) pass for this.
While we were awaiting his surgery, I asked if he had spoken to his Mom and his eyes immediately welled up and he looked away. He then said he'd been trying to reach her all week but unable to. I told him I was so sorry (and felt bad about asking) but he brushed it off. I was so angry with her, especially since she had the nerve to judge me and how I"m handling things as if she's the one who is the best for him right now and she can't even call her own son to wish him well before the surgery. I feel like no one has ever truly been there for him - not consistently or unconditionally anyways. And I'm not delusional in thinking that I'm going to be his savior. I guess today I'm in a better frame of mind (maybe 'cuz I finally worked out last night ) today and I feel better about myself that I'm able to be stronger about this whole thing. I don't know.
When I think about the future I'm afraid so I'm trying to take it one day at a time.
Thanks again for checking in with me. As always, Heather, it is much appreciated.
I thought of starting a new thread but I chose to add to this one for several reasons.......
I have not been on here in quite some time and I am sad to see that there are others who are experiencing similar situations as me (the trust issues, the "what is happening to my boyfriend, wife, etc.).
I will admit, I am at the point where I do not have the energy to contribute. Just when I think I'm about to reply to someone, I feel like - I'm in such a low state myself with things getting worse as of each post (mine) that how am I in a position to help someone else? So maybe all you new members who are reading this can gain some insight by seeing that you are not alone.
And my apologies first for not being able to do more than this for you right now.
For those of you who have followed this.........my BF finally admitted he's "somewhat" attracted to this girl. She's 23 and he's 35. He has two teenage boys 14 and 15. At the least, there is an emotional affair going on.
He also finally admitted that what he and I are going through has happened his entire adult life in relationships - that when he gets into the "meat" of things (his wording) it all of a sudden gets too much and he doesn't want the relationship any more. I told him if he didn't have feelings for me any longer, then lets stop pretending. But he actually looked me in the eyes and with great feeling told me he loves me, there's no doubt about that. But that has never been the problem. The problem, he says, lies with him, in that he cannot do anything - that there is something keeping him from wanting anything more.
This past Tues. night I had my first playoff game (softball). When things were good, I never had to ask him to come to a game. He was always so excited to come see me play (no one has ever shown that much excitement and it made me feel so good). Tues. night while I was getting ready, he told me he was meeting her because she asked him to help with her archery since she is thinking of shooting competitively again. Do you know how much that HURT!!!! When he got home, I very calmly and constructively told him that I was very disappointed in the choice he made. I have worked hard all year to make the playoffs but she needs him and he chooses her. His response was if I wanted him there, I should have asked. I told him that's what the problem is.
The next day I told him that I was wrong - he didn't choose her over me but in fact I wasn't even a factor or consideration which is even worse. I explained very clearly that I have some expectations from here on in. He has to make a decision on what he wants but he can't continue hurting me by doing whatever he feels with this girl. The other condition was that he continue with his counseling (he hasn't been since his surgery Aug. 1) and include me occasionally.
I suggested (very kindly) that it might have to do with the unresolved childhood trauma although he claims it's resolved.
There is no cuddling, no intimacy, we do not sleep in the same bed any longer, we do nothing together, he barely shares with me anything (his older son now wants to live back with his "mom" because he now has a girlfriend there) and I have to put together bits and pieces from phone messages left at our house or what little he shares. If a conversation lasts more than a minute I can see him getting irritable so I have to stop. Yet he can talk to this girl every day sometimes 30 minutes or more.
If this were a relationship mental-health free then I would not accept this behavior (regarding the girl) and end it. But where do I go from here?
If it is PTSD, then I've been told that this is it - the intensity of the relationship triggered something in him and things will never return to how they once were unless he begins the healing.
Or does this sound like BP and nothing else?
I've even gone so far as to read about borderline personality disorder and even THAT sounds like my BF. How in the world do pdocs properly diagnose people when so many illnesses share similar behavior patterns?
One of my best friends is going through something very similar as I (minus the girl) and her BF has OCD, ADD and anxiety but the same thing - things started out perfect in the relationship and then when it got serious, he came to a screeching halt scared of committing. His OCD has caused depression and the fear that he will not be able to be stable enough.
The one interesting thing is after the surgery, my BF reacted terribly to the anesthesia and could not keep any food down for nearly two weeks. Getting constantly sick, obviously his meds could not stay in his system. He then stopped some of them (I've backed off so much that I don't know which ones because this is one of the things he hated - being fussed over regarding his meds) and as soon as he did, his depression lifted a bit, he speaks to me with clarity (the few times we've spoken about our relationship and where we're going) and has actually shown tiny bits of a personality. Any time prior to, when I brought "her" up, he would get very angry but now he's able to discuss things calmly.
What to make of this?
I don't know if he listened to my conditions but there is a note on our coffee table with an appt. for Monday to see his therapist. I haven't said a word but maybe it's a good sign. I don't know....
Last edited by angelblue65; 08-19-2005 at 08:06 AM.
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
Posts: 447
Re: Is It Over? (Long)
Angel,
I'm so sorry to read your last post. It seems like you are just holding on to this so hard, and maybe if you released your grip a little, things would work themselves out. When I read the sentence that there was no intamacy in your relationship anymore, and that you're not even sleeping in the same bed, that sounds pretty bad. How did that happen? He just moved into another room? There is an old saying that I really like, and I think it's so true. ~~
IF YOU LOVE SOMETHING SET IT FREE
IF IT COMES BACK TO YOU, IT IS YOURS
IF IT DOESN'T, IT NEVER WAS
I think you should seriously consider breaking up completely, and see what happens, if he really does love you, he won't leave your life. But as long as you stick around the way things are, they are getting worse all the time.
Keep in Mind, my husband and I have separated many times, and I think that's healthier than staying in a stagnating relationship. It doesn't mean it's over for good, but you gotta change the dynamics.
good luck sweetie,
~~heather~~
Last edited by polarized13; 08-20-2005 at 09:49 AM.
Is It Over? (Long) 
Anyway, enough about me....I'm hanging in there, you do what you can and take the good with the bad, right?) No one ever said life was fair....but I still have a lot to be thankful for.
I don't miss California so much now that I have gone home to visit. Funny, huh? I just got back in town on Friday. It's nice to be home!!
) today and I feel better about myself that I'm able to be stronger about this whole thing. I don't know.
