Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

jephiner · 07-18-2005, 09:50 PM

I need to talk...I need to know if anyone else out there knows what I am going through. I have 2 small children - one is 2 and one is 3 - they are great boys and I love them with all my heart.

I have just been diagnosed and have no medication yet (have yet to even hear from the psychiatrist I was referred to - I am definitely calling tomorrow to put a bit of heat on) - I used to be on antidepressents - and because I didn't understand what was happening to me - I would go in and get the doctor to up the dose if I was still feeling angry (my big thing) and so I was on so much medication I could barely keep my eyes open - I just was so tired I couldn't be angry. Anyhoo - I am not on anything while I wait to see my psychiatrist and lord...I am struggling.

I am only saying these things because it is annonymous and I just need to say the truth to someone. Please don't think I am actually going to hurt my kids - I am not - but I really want to just really physically go at them sometimes.

I find myself enraged and sometimes acting inappropriately - I yell - or stomp about - or threaten a spanking if they don't do exactly what I want. I never spank when I am like this because I am afraid of the dam breaking and something bad happening. I have pictures in my head of just grabbing their hair and smacking their head against the wall - or just really hitting them hard a couple of times - anything to get the to shut the *&^C up -

I am alarmed by this because I know if I don't get help eventually playing those pictures in my head over and over again will mean I will eventually act it out. I am just working incredibly hard to keep myself in check all day long - every damn day.

I just need to really express what is happening for me. I am afraid to tell anyone because I know the children may be perceived as being at risk and someone may call child services to check me out. I don't know if I could handle the stress or embarassment of that. I don't want to say anything to my husband because I know he worries already - and there is nothing he can do about how I feel that he isn't doing ( he is amazing - he took off the afternoon because I had an aweful headache today - and he had to go out tonight - so he wanted to make sure I had a nap and a break so that I could handle tonight) He does everything he can to take on as much as he can for me. That pretty much leaves me no one to really talk to - you know what I mean?

I feel so lonely in this. I know I love my children - and that most of the time I am a decent mom. I just have to work so incredibly hard to keep it together - and I am so tired. I am so very very tired. I am glad I finally got this diagnosis - I just couldn't understand why parenthood felt like such a neverending hell when I loved the boys so much. Now I know it isn't entirely my fault. Still - fault or not - it is still mine.

I promise not to hurt them - but if you could - pray for me....I could use a hand here at home and in this crazy head of mine.....Thanks

Jen

GentleLady · 07-18-2005, 10:53 PM

Dear Jen
How courageous you are to admit to yourself and to us that you have these feelings. Im very concerned about what you are telling us, because you seem to be so close to the edge. I had similar feelings when my children were small. I did some yelling and screaming , banging on walls and doors when I lost it. And I too told myself not to touch the child because I knew I would hurt him if I did. Instead I went out and threw oranges at the fence.
Im glad your husband senses your feelings and is concerned. You need to find someone who feels safe to you, to talk to about all of this. I would consider this a mental health crises. I dont know what is available in your community, but you need to find some help for yourself dear, for your sake, as well as your children's. Is there someone who could come and help you with the children for a while, a mother, a sister?
It can be very very stressful to be responsible for small children. And doubly so when you have a mental illness.
Try to get some help for yourself dear. And hang in there.
A concerned friend,
GentleLady

jephiner · 07-18-2005, 11:10 PM

I wish I could but unfortunately I do child care that we need to pay the bills. I am going to have to tough it out. I am going to call the doctor tomorrow and speak to the booking people and tell them it is an emergency - I know it is not yet but I am afraid it would become one before I knew it - anyways - if it is going to be too long before I can get in, I will look at getting my husband to take some time off work until I am just a bit more balanced. I may also see my gp and see if she will start me on something ..... Thanks for writing back - I need to just feel not so alone.
Jen

mudhound · 07-19-2005, 05:58 AM

My wife had the same issues with our kid some 18 years ago. I raise him myself. She was unable to handle the day to day items like baths, messes, very dirty dipers, and most of all, any dr visits.
We were blessed to have a grandmother or 2 who took the load off for me or us. My wife had not been dio with bp at this time. We just thought she (wife) was lazy and indifferent toward her own child (our home too). Our bad. We were both unaware of this illness and did not understand what it was doing to her.

GentleLady · 07-19-2005, 07:53 AM

Im glad you are finding time to come to this board for support, Jen. I hope you will continue to do so. Im proud of you for holding it together as long as you have. But I still say, this is an emergency and somehow you need to get professional help and help with the children. You should NOT be caring for other people's children at this time. If you had a serious physical illness, such as pneumonia or the flu, you would not be expected to continue on as if nothing was wrong. There is just as much danger or more, if this illness goes untreated. You may have to tell your husband or GP some of the feelings you are having, in order for people to understand how close to the edge you really are. Keep in mind, this is a mental illness, not a character flaw. Please keep trying to get the help you need. In the mean time, do only what you absolutely have to do. Keep the children fed and clean, and turn on Sesame Street. Dont try to be Supermom. Try very hard to NOT care for the other children at this time. I can see that what I am suggesting will be very difficult for you to do, but keep trying.I will be rooting for you honey.
GentleLady