It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Bipolar Disorder Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 07-18-2005, 08:50 PM   #1
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Okanagan Valley British Columbia - check it out online - it is amazing!
Posts: 73
jephiner HB User
Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

I need to talk...I need to know if anyone else out there knows what I am going through. I have 2 small children - one is 2 and one is 3 - they are great boys and I love them with all my heart.

I have just been diagnosed and have no medication yet (have yet to even hear from the psychiatrist I was referred to - I am definitely calling tomorrow to put a bit of heat on) - I used to be on antidepressents - and because I didn't understand what was happening to me - I would go in and get the doctor to up the dose if I was still feeling angry (my big thing) and so I was on so much medication I could barely keep my eyes open - I just was so tired I couldn't be angry. Anyhoo - I am not on anything while I wait to see my psychiatrist and lord...I am struggling.

I am only saying these things because it is annonymous and I just need to say the truth to someone. Please don't think I am actually going to hurt my kids - I am not - but I really want to just really physically go at them sometimes.

I find myself enraged and sometimes acting inappropriately - I yell - or stomp about - or threaten a spanking if they don't do exactly what I want. I never spank when I am like this because I am afraid of the dam breaking and something bad happening. I have pictures in my head of just grabbing their hair and smacking their head against the wall - or just really hitting them hard a couple of times - anything to get the to shut the *&^C up -

I am alarmed by this because I know if I don't get help eventually playing those pictures in my head over and over again will mean I will eventually act it out. I am just working incredibly hard to keep myself in check all day long - every damn day.

I just need to really express what is happening for me. I am afraid to tell anyone because I know the children may be perceived as being at risk and someone may call child services to check me out. I don't know if I could handle the stress or embarassment of that. I don't want to say anything to my husband because I know he worries already - and there is nothing he can do about how I feel that he isn't doing ( he is amazing - he took off the afternoon because I had an aweful headache today - and he had to go out tonight - so he wanted to make sure I had a nap and a break so that I could handle tonight) He does everything he can to take on as much as he can for me. That pretty much leaves me no one to really talk to - you know what I mean?

I feel so lonely in this. I know I love my children - and that most of the time I am a decent mom. I just have to work so incredibly hard to keep it together - and I am so tired. I am so very very tired. I am glad I finally got this diagnosis - I just couldn't understand why parenthood felt like such a neverending hell when I loved the boys so much. Now I know it isn't entirely my fault. Still - fault or not - it is still mine.

I promise not to hurt them - but if you could - pray for me....I could use a hand here at home and in this crazy head of mine.....Thanks

Jen
__________________
Everyone is someone else's Freak

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 07-18-2005, 09:53 PM   #2
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: California
Posts: 14
GentleLady HB User
Exclamation Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

Dear Jen
How courageous you are to admit to yourself and to us that you have these feelings. Im very concerned about what you are telling us, because you seem to be so close to the edge. I had similar feelings when my children were small. I did some yelling and screaming , banging on walls and doors when I lost it. And I too told myself not to touch the child because I knew I would hurt him if I did. Instead I went out and threw oranges at the fence.
Im glad your husband senses your feelings and is concerned. You need to find someone who feels safe to you, to talk to about all of this. I would consider this a mental health crises. I dont know what is available in your community, but you need to find some help for yourself dear, for your sake, as well as your children's. Is there someone who could come and help you with the children for a while, a mother, a sister?
It can be very very stressful to be responsible for small children. And doubly so when you have a mental illness.
Try to get some help for yourself dear. And hang in there.
A concerned friend,
GentleLady
__________________
Gentle LadySeeking Friends who understandGentle LadyGentle LadyGentleLady

 
Old 07-18-2005, 10:10 PM   #3
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Okanagan Valley British Columbia - check it out online - it is amazing!
Posts: 73
jephiner HB User
Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

I wish I could but unfortunately I do child care that we need to pay the bills. I am going to have to tough it out. I am going to call the doctor tomorrow and speak to the booking people and tell them it is an emergency - I know it is not yet but I am afraid it would become one before I knew it - anyways - if it is going to be too long before I can get in, I will look at getting my husband to take some time off work until I am just a bit more balanced. I may also see my gp and see if she will start me on something ..... Thanks for writing back - I need to just feel not so alone.
Jen
__________________
Everyone is someone else's Freak

 
Old 07-19-2005, 04:58 AM   #4
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bean Station, TN, usa
Posts: 2,190
mudhound HB User
Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

My wife had the same issues with our kid some 18 years ago. I raise him myself. She was unable to handle the day to day items like baths, messes, very dirty dipers, and most of all, any dr visits.
We were blessed to have a grandmother or 2 who took the load off for me or us. My wife had not been dio with bp at this time. We just thought she (wife) was lazy and indifferent toward her own child (our home too). Our bad. We were both unaware of this illness and did not understand what it was doing to her.
__________________
God Bless

Mudhound

 
Old 07-19-2005, 06:53 AM   #5
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: California
Posts: 14
GentleLady HB User
Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

Im glad you are finding time to come to this board for support, Jen. I hope you will continue to do so. Im proud of you for holding it together as long as you have. But I still say, this is an emergency and somehow you need to get professional help and help with the children. You should NOT be caring for other people's children at this time. If you had a serious physical illness, such as pneumonia or the flu, you would not be expected to continue on as if nothing was wrong. There is just as much danger or more, if this illness goes untreated. You may have to tell your husband or GP some of the feelings you are having, in order for people to understand how close to the edge you really are. Keep in mind, this is a mental illness, not a character flaw. Please keep trying to get the help you need. In the mean time, do only what you absolutely have to do. Keep the children fed and clean, and turn on Sesame Street. Dont try to be Supermom. Try very hard to NOT care for the other children at this time. I can see that what I am suggesting will be very difficult for you to do, but keep trying.I will be rooting for you honey.
GentleLady
__________________
Gentle LadySeeking Friends who understandGentle LadyGentle LadyGentleLady

 
Old 07-19-2005, 08:30 AM   #6
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL USA
Posts: 70
Josie's Momma HB User
Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

Jen,
****HUGS***
I feel your pain. I have been there and somehow my daughter made it through unscarred. Unbelievably my husband helped (it wasn't in his character). I completely agree with GentleLady. You don't need to be watching more kids at this time. That is way too much stress. No matter how well behaved they are. If you can, take a nap when they do. Turn on the TV, pull some toys in the front room and lay on the couch for a while. You definitely need the time to relax. The best part of my day was the minute my husband walked in the door, I escaped to the bathroom for a well deserved bath. No one was allowed near the door. I know you don't feel you can ask for help, but even having an adult around during the day is helpful. Just someone to talk to that can hold a conversation not about Big Bird. :-)
If all else fails, find which hospital near you handles mental emergencies and go see them one night. They can at least give you a prescription. Your GP is not going to be qualified to give you exactly what you need. He may prescribe an antideppresant but alone that can be dangerous.
Keep us updated!

 
Old 07-19-2005, 09:51 AM   #7
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Okanagan Valley British Columbia - check it out online - it is amazing!
Posts: 73
jephiner HB User
Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

Hi Guys Well I have the apt - 2 weeks from today - I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. I am really taking it very easy - Besides feeding them and cleaning up the mess I have pretty much been doing nothing else. I let them watch tv in the am and then we go outside and they play and I read or write - and try to stay calm. It is helpful that we can get outside. Thank you all for all your concern. I am concerned too - and I promise to keep calm. I wish I could afford not to take the kids but we really have no wiggle room financially and we need the income. The good thing is that one goes home by 1:30 and the other by 3 - so it isn't a full day. The other good thing about it is the kids play together and leave me alone. When it is just my boys they climb all over me all the time. I actually find it easier when the other kids are here then when it is just me and the boys. I am addicted to food ( I know it sounds silly) and have been letting myself eat because it dulls the aggression. I think I will just keep doing this until I get in to the doctor.... Not a perfect solution by any means but it's better then many other options. Thanks again guys - I really needed to talk and I appreciate your replies. I will keep you updated.....
Jen
__________________
Everyone is someone else's Freak

 
Old 07-19-2005, 11:19 AM   #8
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: California
Posts: 14
GentleLady HB User
Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

Ok Jen, thats a start.. Please have a contingency plan if you get completely overwhelmed. If you feel you just cant handle it another moment, have a plan in place as to what you will do. Is there someone near you that you can call? Can you call your husband at work? Do you know where to go for emergency psychiatric care?Just DO it if you have to, dont look back, dont argue with yourself. Just DO it.
Im sure it helps a lot to know you have that appointment. But dont let your guard down. Stay the course, keep with your plan. And keep coming back. We are here for you.
GentleLady
__________________
Gentle LadySeeking Friends who understandGentle LadyGentle LadyGentleLady

 
Old 07-19-2005, 07:57 PM   #9
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Mo
Posts: 59
restless_heart HB User
Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

I can so c myself when reading ur story Jen My kids are 2 and 4...I am scared of really saying anthing to anyone for the fear of saying something to the wronge person and my kids getting yanked right outta here.. I will however appauld ur hubby cuz mine on the other hand isnt so understanding and i find it very hard to cope day to day with my girls..I know its really not so much as to what they r doing its me and they r just being normal kids...I am glad however that I am not the only person out there feeling like this....Somehow Someway we will get through all of this...At least u have the resources to c the dr's... I however have no insurance and am having a heck of a time tring to get anyone or anything to help me.. Hang in there

 
Old 07-20-2005, 10:22 AM   #10
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Okanagan Valley British Columbia - check it out online - it is amazing!
Posts: 73
jephiner HB User
Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

Quote:
Originally Posted by restless_heart
I can so c myself when reading ur story Jen My kids are 2 and 4...I am scared of really saying anthing to anyone for the fear of saying something to the wronge person and my kids getting yanked right outta here.. I will however appauld ur hubby cuz mine on the other hand isnt so understanding and i find it very hard to cope day to day with my girls..I know its really not so much as to what they r doing its me and they r just being normal kids...I am glad however that I am not the only person out there feeling like this....Somehow Someway we will get through all of this...At least u have the resources to c the dr's... I however have no insurance and am having a heck of a time tring to get anyone or anything to help me.. Hang in there
Oh Lord Restless heart - I don't know how you do it. It is so hard with the hope of treatment and with the help. I will pray for you.
My husband usually golfs on Wednesdays - he said he wasn't going tonight - I asked if it was because how I am doing - he didn't answer and then finally did - he is concerned about me and the kids. I was about to say "it's fine honey - go - everything will be ok" but then I really thought about it - and I decided it was a way better idea if he did come home. I hate being such a burden but I keep telling myself I will get better.
I know exactly what you are going through w/ your kids. I don't think people realize how much the risk of being interogated by people who treat you like a head case and can possibly take your kids - really really stops people from being honest and reaching out. I was a welfare worker before I became a stay at home mom - and I know you are at risk of being treated very poorly depending on which social worker you see. I just can't afford that kind of abuse. So I do all the things I know they would be telling me to do anyway...and I keep my mouth shut except for this one time. I know that I will make it through and get to the other side...all intact and that the kids will get over the occasional yelling fit. I just wish I could get help in the community without being treated like a woman on the edge....you know??? Just the smallest bit of respect would go a long way for me.
Thanks for the replies everyone. I am going to go and read and write and keep my head on straight *S*
Jen
__________________
Everyone is someone else's Freak

 
Old 07-20-2005, 10:58 AM   #11
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 46
*Mood Ring* HB User
Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

Hang in there hon, things seem desperate now, but it will get better soon. I have a friend that suffers from BP, anxiety and depression. She has 3 little ones and calls me throughout the day for support and sanity. Her husband works 12 hour shifts so it gets hard on her. Get yourself a support system of family and friends to take the weight off you. Good luck.
__________________
Mood Ring ~With a fire in her heart and love in her soul

 
Old 07-21-2005, 12:17 PM   #12
Inactive
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2005
Posts: 433
terrienne HB User
Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

Hi Jen, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! " WAKE UP CALL " !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The BEST thing you can do right NOW, is call your Husband...............,

OR CALL 911 for the HELP YOU NEED, before you act out your thoughts,
and HURT INNOCENT CHILDREN !!!

Having these thoughts about harming innocent children is..,
A SERIOUS THING !!! AND, THIS MEANS THAT YOU WILL ACT ON THEM,
WITHOUT MEANING TO, AND THEN YOU WILL BE IN A ....,
' STRAIGHT JACKET POSITION ! ' (LOCKED UP !)

JEN, I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE, SO PLEASE LISTEN TO ME !!!

BEST OF LUCK, AND LET US HEAR FROM YOU..........,
Gee Gee

 
Old 07-21-2005, 01:18 PM   #13
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 3
INHIM HB User
Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

Jen - I can really relate to your story, and how you describe your situation. I too, am newly diagnosed - with 2 kids. I really felt for you reading your post b/c I experienced the things you said. Please email me at [ please read and follow the posting rules - no emails ] I hope maybe we can be of support to each other!





[ Please read the posting rules which explain that offering or asking off board contact is not permitted. The boards are to be used for on board sharing, only. The email and private message features are turned off so that use of the message boards remain anonymous. The only contact you may make with members is to post on the board. ]

Last edited by moderator2; 07-21-2005 at 03:10 PM. Reason: lease read and follow the posting rules - no emails

 
Old 07-21-2005, 04:14 PM   #14
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Okanagan Valley British Columbia - check it out online - it is amazing!
Posts: 73
jephiner HB User
Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gee Gee
Hi Jen, !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! " WAKE UP CALL " !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The BEST thing you can do right NOW, is call your Husband...............,

OR CALL 911 for the HELP YOU NEED, before you act out your thoughts,
and HURT INNOCENT CHILDREN !!!

Having these thoughts about harming innocent children is..,
A SERIOUS THING !!! AND, THIS MEANS THAT YOU WILL ACT ON THEM,
WITHOUT MEANING TO, AND THEN YOU WILL BE IN A ....,
' STRAIGHT JACKET POSITION ! ' (LOCKED UP !)

JEN, I HAVE BEEN WHERE YOU ARE, SO PLEASE LISTEN TO ME !!!

BEST OF LUCK, AND LET US HEAR FROM YOU..........,
Gee Gee
Hi Gee Gee,
I know that me saying those things is disturbing to you - and I know why you and others would react that way. I do know that I am at a higher risk of hurting my kids - and I am extremely careful right now. Honestly, I have been been incredibly careful and to be honest I have had these thoughts on and off for the last 3 years. I have plans that I follow when I am overwhelmed including family in the area - my mother and father in law who live upstairs - my husband works less than 5 minutes away and when I am really aggitated I will put both boys in their room until my head clears. I do not suffer from psychosis and am not at risk for post partum psychosis ( I had a very in depth session w/ a psychiatrist when I was pregnant w/ my first son to ensure I was properly medicated for my condition (which I thought was depression) and protected against post partum and I learned a lot about post partum psychosis (and I am not at risk) I know that I have these feelings and that is serious - don't get me wrong - but I have been able to keep myself level enough via a number of different techniques to be ok. I can feel when I am getting too aggitated or aggressive and I do call my husband at times like that and just put the kids in their rooms until he comes home. I know I relax when I can't hear them ( so I go to my room and shut the door until he gets home) I really really do understand why this is scary to you - but at the same time - when I see a message like that - it really really really reminds me why I must not talk to anyone except my husband about what I am feeling....and in a way that is sad. I know other people can't tell the difference between someone who is going to break and someone who isn't but I really find it difficult to explain that over and over again and show people that I am still a good and fit parent even if I have had and do have those feelings. I also really do believe that there are millions of other mothers out there - the majority are psychologically normal - who really want to beat the crap out of their kids....it is starting to come to the forfront as an issue for women that they have been hiding for years - and it doesn't necessarily mean I am 2 seconds away from a straight jacket. I am in the most vulnerable point of parenting and I do have the added pressures of being bipolar II....so I let the house go, I take naps, I make sure I get out - I go to a 12 step meeting - I pray - I come on here and talk about how I feel - I call my husband several times during the day - I get the kids outside in the backyard and I read or write, I ask my mom to take the kids when I need a break, I call friends, I run in the mornings and I sometimes overeat when I am feeling really aggrivated and it somehow tames the anger......please be open to the possibility I just need to talk about it and nothing more. In less than 2 weeks I am going to be seeing the psychiatrist - I will be talking about all my symptoms and hopefully be receiving a treatment that will lessen my aggression. Until then I will channel it - and avoid being labeled as a risk to my children...which could last a lifetime.
Jen
__________________
Everyone is someone else's Freak

 
Old 07-21-2005, 04:18 PM   #15
Member
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Okanagan Valley British Columbia - check it out online - it is amazing!
Posts: 73
jephiner HB User
Re: Bipolar, no meds, 2 small kids

[QUOTE=INHIM]Jen - I can really relate to your story, and how you describe your situation. I too, am newly diagnosed - with 2 kids. I really felt for you reading your post b/c I experienced the things you said. Please email me at [ please read and follow the posting rules - no emails ] I hope maybe we can be of support to each other!

Hi Inhim
I wish we could get each other's e-mails - I would like to be able to contact each other and support each other - but I guess we can do that here. It is so incredibly hard sometimes and it is good to know we aren't alone.
Jen
__________________
Everyone is someone else's Freak

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
ADD medication causing bipolar issues? katyhilton Bipolar Disorder 1 05-03-2010 08:05 PM
BiPolar wife coaster550 Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 22 06-23-2009 11:02 AM
Broken Down - BPD/Bipolar + bpd_bipolar Bipolar Disorder 110 11-02-2007 06:13 AM
Our Bipolar Kids ~ Finding the Light--Take 2 tsohl Family & Friends of the Mentally Ill 1491 06-30-2007 05:28 PM
Bipolar and Seventeen, in need of advice Paige1989 Bipolar Disorder 383 06-19-2007 08:30 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added




Top 10 Drugs Discussed on this Board.
(Go to DrugTalk.com for complete list)
Abilify
Depakote
Lamictal
Lexapro
Lithium
  Prozac
Seroquel
Wellbutrin
Zoloft
Zyprexa




TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



reesie (68), katlin09 (59), Administrator (24), TinoRock (14), bprapcyc (10), thatgirl141 (7), lynnlee (6), annii456 (4), ghelpmelivelife (4), goody2shuz (3)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1180), MSJayhawk (1006), Apollo123 (906), Titchou (850), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (759), ladybud (755), midwest1 (669), sammy64 (668), BlueSkies14 (607)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:40 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!