(Newbie, first post) Sick and tired of living in lifes basement!
Hi Folks. This is my first post. I will try to contain myself and NOT go off on a rant...Although I probably would NOT bank on it!
I am Bipolar, 1,2,3 I have no idea. I think Im a garden variety. I have never had a truely horrendous manic episode. Although I did manage to stay awake for 4-5 days once. In those 4-5 days I had completely redecorated the place, early caveman style. My fiance found me in the bathroom conversing with a dripping sink; before I knew it I was back at the Hospital. Unit One to be exact. (They love me there)(?) Any-hoo I am a rapid cycler who truely looks forward to the mildly manic side of my condition. Its like a holiday! Thats when I get everything all caught up. Feel great! If they would just show up MORE and stay a wee bit longer... Like I said, for me they are NOT bad. My family and friends may think differently though... Back on point! The depressive side of my condition is my companion more often than not. I am an expert moper, sleeper, eater and wearer of the same clothes day after day. The Temper side of me is the dickens too! I have told more bosses to... well, to do unpleasent things. Not to mention friends, family, neighbors, little old ladies at the grocery and my favorite; drivers! There are time when I get so frustrated and angry I dont NEED a reason, all I want is a moving target to verbally shread. Afterwards Im fine...
I move ALOT. I have no current Dr. and no meds since my last doc refused to see me anymore. No explanation, just a mousy little note in the mail. I was taking all sorts of meds. A new cocktail each visit. So frustrating and so HARD to keep organised. After a while I could veg out for days without caring. Aweful.
Now I am looking for help, I need a doc with thick skin who WONT try to OVERMEDICATE me again. Good Grief I hate being a zombie from pills.
Well thats me in a nutshell (coconut shell?
Now, WHY AM I HERE?
I am sick and tired of living life like a sleepwalker. I need to find a way to MOTIVATE myself. Motivation thats lasts longer than 30 seconds. I WANT to make my non-depressive life a happy place to visit. While in a depression every once in a while I will peek over the covers and think "Maybe it's not so bad out there" then I sit up and I look around and see not much worth while and sliiide right back under the covers for another sleep marathon. Maybe if my non-depressive life is a nice place to visit then, when in a depression, and I look around I'll want to stay!!
I need a life. But think I may have forgotten how to go about getting one... I have to wonder if I ever truely had one. Regardless, I WANT A LIFE. I want to laugh. I want to be AWAkE in the DAY time! I want to PLAY! I want to LIVE LIFE!!
Unfortunatly that enthusiasm lasts just long enough for me to go running to the bathroom, fully intending to shower and shine myself. Once in the bathroom I look in the mirror and can virtually SEE the wind drainingout of my sails.
UHG. HOW DO I STAY MOTIVATED???!!!!!
Well folks. That is my big question. Is there anyone who like me, has the motivation skills of a melted ice cube? Someone who has managed to tap into motivation AND keep it going? Anyone...
Good Grief! I have blathered on and on... I'm not going to re-read or proof read this monster. I hope it makes sense!
Last edited by Good Grief!; 07-23-2005 at 02:37 AM.
Hi I am new around here and newly on meds (only about a month) and I can't stand any thing about this bipolr stuff. I want my life back ( you know like the weekends = bars fun w/ friends) I can only smoke now and thats not even really my thing. I must say I love being manic!!!! I feel that in the morning before I take my morning dose I love it!! Any way hope to talk agian , sorry if I blabed on and didn't answer any of you questions. ~Kittyy
Thanks for dropping in kittyy! Always nice to meet a fellow blatherer!
I hear what your saying about wanting your life back. BUT... I don't want my OLD life back. THAT is my frustration. Im sure if I put my mind to it I could go back to my old life.
I want a NEW life. One that lets me and all my baggage shine! I just DO NOT now how to do it! How to keep it up!
Ugh, I want my life back too. I am mostly manic, but have been sliding into a bit of depression lately. I do like the manic *ness too, but I think it is to much for those around me. I can almost see it when I am blathering on, and I get a bit paranoid and think, oops you said to much or that was too wierd, : )
I do make people laugh I can be off the wall, but sometimes I just wonder what they are really thinking.
I used to be confrontational and pretty outspoken if someone made me mad, now I mostly go to another room and rant to myself. I talk to myself a lot, but I don't answer for the most part
As for motivation, that is a tough one. I have always had a hard time with it.
Sorry for yammering on
I have two types of manic. Happy manic and Iím gonna destroy the first thing I can get my hands on manic. My Happy manic is GREAT. Iím 10í tall, bulletproof, whirlwind of activity, social butterfly, business genius and generally at the top of my game!! I get SO much done! I just wish it would happen more often. Happy manic is the shyest of my BP personalities. And like you it is too much for those around me to keep up with!
AhÖ the STIGMA of being BP. I too wonder what people are REALLY thinking behind those placid smiles. Its as though they analyze every word and deed looking for the monster to rear its head so they can get a good look at it!!
I am still pretty confrontational! Sometimes I wish I were not. But I am LEARNING to pick my battles. At least I tell myself I being more selective about those I verbally shred.
Then there is the MOTIVATION. My BIGGEST challenge. WHY? There has got to be a key, a way to FIX this. I am so tired of being stagnant. I am living my worst nightmare right now and cannot seem to drudge up the energy to CHANGE it. Is there a support group for the motivationally challenged? A book of instructions too follow, one that teaches a person to OVERCOME a COMPLETE lack of motivation?
Yammering on?! Keystone!? I love yammering!! Thank you so much for taking the time to reply! Being here is my first experience, since the hospital, with other BP people! Its amazing how reading through here makes me feel surrounded by personal similarities, its comforting!
GG - It depends on what you're into. There are the books from Tony Robbins, and hard-core seminar groups like Landmark, and let's not forget the Scientologists.
My problem is that I go in with a big bang and then have a hard time motivating myself to be consistent about it. Consistency is as much as a problem for me as motivation. The road to hell is paved with good intentions, I guess.
But you're not alone. There has got to be a way to crack this nut. I'd do some research, but I'm highly unmotivated LOL. I've loved my life at various points, but neglected to continue with the actions that made life so sweet. Don't know if it's laziness or what. What do you think?
Zbaby! Bought Tony Robins tapes and books. My analytical mind listened and promptly tore them apart. By the time I was finished I felt as though I just spent all day at Used Car Salesmans convention!
Landmark I have never heard of...Undoubtably I'll be looking them up soon.
Scientology... Having lived in Cleawater, worked for Scientologists and roomed with an upper level Scientologist, I can honestly say with confidence and some scientology education NO thank you!
I used to get the Big Bang, I start things in high gear tear through road blocks hurdle over obsticals then just peter out and stop. Did it for years! Now (for about 2 years) however I cannot even get to the starting line. Its like I'v been there so many times my mind/body shies away from anything even closely resembling a START.
You are absolutly right! There has GOT to be a way to crack this nut! Unfortunatly I seem to armed with silly putty rather than a nut cracker!!!
Location: Okanagan Valley British Columbia - check it out online - it is amazing!
Re: Sick and tired of living in lifes basement!
Hi Good Grief,
I also believe God cannot hurt by any stretch - whatever god is to you. I also find a hard time w/ motivation - sometimes I have lots - it's the consistency that is difficult. I think the hardest thing is that being bipolar 2 and having had hypomania...anything in the normal range doesn't feel very motivated (do you know what I mean?) - I think if you are unmedicated then you will have times of huge motivation followed by complete lack of motivation - and if you are medicated, or if you have found some other way to avoid depression and mania/hypomania - then you are going to have to be satisfied with what feels like a slow consistency ...that is actually fairly motivated but doesn't feel it to us who have felt the fire of hypomania/mania. I do think that often the second is what allows people to build a "normal" life, that slow but steady wins the race mentality. I don't know what the answer is but I think you really have to figure out what kind of life you want to lead and then know you will be sacrificing either way. If you want the thrill and the pain of being unmedicated then you have to let go of the desire to have a "normal" reality. If you want a "normal life" then you have to give up the "mad genius" that you would have otherwise. Do you know what I mean?? Anyhoo...neither are a perfect option and I could be way off - it's just the way I see it.
Everyone is someone else's Freak
we are alot alike, you must also be a very creative person.
well heres my solution to the motivation thing and getting the depression to go away, and keep the mania going, Because it is accually fun and daring.
I went off all my meds and started taking a diet pill called bontril, non addicting, easy to get, no side affects and it is not like taking or abusing drugs, i work for a nutritionist 2 days a week and he turned me on to them, it is what he prescribes the patients that come in for weight control, kike i said non addicting, and i am the happiest bipolar person i know, yes i am a little weird still, but thats even more unique., It works for me maybe not you, but you can give it a try. but i suggest going off your other meds first and starting all over with the bontril, i been off my meds for 4 years now and had been taking them for 7 years. your depression will end quickly if it has the same affect on you as it does me. i will take this for the rest of my life, well hey good luck, if your intersted and you live in los angeles, let me know and i will get you in for free to hook up, bye now, kimber lee
I love creative things, my current hang up is photography and graphic/digital art!
I will look into bontril, but I'm desperatly trying to get back to my med. After countless medical cocktails and no/negative results, I told my doc I will take ONE pill. Choose wisely. He chose lithium. After several adjustments I had found my answer! For me it is my miracle pill. After years of every new pill that came down the line, anywhere from 2 to 12 pills a day, being a zombie, being a wateringpot, being a spaz, being brain dead I finally had a pill that HELPED. They never wanted to put me on lithium because of my hypothyriod. But I guess finally they ran outta options when I ran outta goodwill!
But I will look into your pill, I piced up an extra 50 pounds Id like to loose!!
Jephiner! Great post. I never really thought about the effect my mania had on how I percieve Motivation. You are right! Its like comparing a Firecracker to a candle. Definatly food for thought!! Thankyou!
P.S. I gave up on the whole 'normal' thing long ago. I just couldn't find any role models!! I want to CREATE a life for ME to enjoy, for ME to feel good. I have a feeling the end result will be anything BUT normal, but it'll work for me.
At least if I stay on the path to positive improvement!!
I just wanted to particpate on this very first Thread of yours. The infomation you shared on your first post (07/22/05),seemed to tell a lot about your needs. You have experienced so many mood swing it is no wounder you are always looking for MOTIVATION to,at least, work toward stability. You said in follow up posts that you did take Lithium. And it did seem to work. (the one and only "pill' that you felt some control of your Life). It seems that you have stoped taking it, Why? Weight gain? Need a better comunication with your old pdoc? You need a new "thickskinned Pdoc, now.
You have read my posts on your 2 other Threads. You have come a long way,at least, from what you have posted. Working on MOTIVATION. Trying for getting 5 thing accomplished in a week. I think you have done it ! Keep me posted on this or your MOTIVATION thread. And keep up the good work !
Just a very short summery about myself. Twenty-one years ago My life was just like yours. I findly wised up and began to take Lithium on a regular basis. My wife told me,"If you continue to cycle,I'm leaving you" Will, my pdoc put his foot down, and said about the same thing. So, I hade a big decision to make. That is the last MISTAKE I have ever made, between my LIFE and Lithium. ( I was "out of control" for 14 years before this LIFE saving decesion.).
Eyes! First, for taking an interest and following up with me here. It means a great deal; thank you.
Yeah I gained weight, but not from the lithium alone. All the meds I was taking caused me to gain 70 pounds, I lost 20 and now stand at a total gain of 50. While my vanity has taken a beating I would never allow it to dictate my meds. Being a size 4 is NOT worth my happiness, or rather potential happiness.
It was not by choice that I went off. I was in the middle of a cross country move when my pdoc in MN refused to see me again. She also refused to refill my dwindling supply of lithium. Then a family emergency took me down to Florida for a few weeks. When I began posting here I had only been in my new home (NC) for about 5 days.
This past Friday I hammered every receptionist for every pdoc within a 20 mile radius of home. I called about 20 offices, more than once. I recieved ONE reply. A doc, merciful man, followed up on my plea for help (delivered by a frustrated receptionist, Jule Jule let me know that he would issue a 5 day litium supply and agreed to see me Tuesday. I think he MAY have a thick skin, he certainly has brass cause I can't imagine my MN pdoc had TOO much NICE to say about me!
When i do not have my med I am in a state of fear, fear that I'm going to go right back to where i was before. I never want to visit THAT place again. This is the first time I have gone without my meds. I do not like it. Normally I am able to get a two month supply to last me throgh the move and the search for a new doc.
Today is Sunday. The end of my first week of self-imposed motivation training. Its been a struggle but I DID get my list done. AND!!!! Today I even spot cleaned the carpeting!!! I was to put that on my next list, but it's DONE!!! Every time I go into my kitchen I feel so damn proud, sad but true!
I even pulled out my old 'boom-box' to help me keep moving this week! I haven't listened to music at home for years!! I forgot how much a pick-me-up it is! i cranked up the 'oldies' and even danced a bit as I cleaned!
Let me ask you...
Would you say your life is full? If so, what advice would you offer, a pearl if you will.
You know, like..."if you eat spinach you'll achieve your dreams!"...No...huh What about orange juice? Would that do the trick?... Brussle Sprouts???
You are just amazing. Since you started posting here, you have acomplished all of the MOTIVATIONAL things that you have set for your goals. And somewhat more ! Good for you ! Your story about trying to get back on Lithium this past 3 or 4 days is something to behold. This new Pdoc,hopefully will be the right person for you. You do have a positive history with Lithium. If he can continue to hear this from you,than you are on your way to stability with this Mood Stabilizer ! Your presistance,this past week,and in a new home, tells me that you are really on your way out of "living in life's basement". Don't give in to your lows that may crop up as you continue to gain in MOTIVATION. Work out a Plan with your new Pdoc on Tuesday. Maybe Lithium is all you need. Try to stay open minded with your conversation with this Pdoc. Know that he is "on your side". After all, he did accept you as a patient, when so many other offices did nothing.
Now to answer your questions. Yes, my life is FULL. I retired from my work, over 6 years ago. I had lived in MI for 35 years, and moved to Southwest FL. Truly a paradice ! My advice, or pearl, is, ALWAYS STAY CONSISTANT ON YOUR MEDICATION. (Lithium,in my case). Add to that, the consept of " to THINE OWNSELF be TRUE". And that you always need "to be RESPONSIBLE for YOUR OWN ACTIONS" Along the way, I had to "learn' how to eat spinach,brussle sprots,and all veggies. They are what keeps me GOING !
Perhaps, it was the support,and love from my wife,of 42 years, that has given me the motivation to live our dream together with my stability of 21 years. It can be done