Hi Folks. This is my first post. I will try to contain myself and NOT go off on a rant...Although I probably would NOT bank on it!
I am Bipolar, 1,2,3 I have no idea. I think Im a garden variety. I have never had a truely horrendous manic episode. Although I did manage to stay awake for 4-5 days once. In those 4-5 days I had completely redecorated the place, early caveman style. My fiance found me in the bathroom conversing with a dripping sink; before I knew it I was back at the Hospital. Unit One to be exact. (They love me there)(?) Any-hoo I am a rapid cycler who truely looks forward to the mildly manic side of my condition. Its like a holiday! Thats when I get everything all caught up. Feel great! If they would just show up MORE and stay a wee bit longer... Like I said, for me they are NOT bad. My family and friends may think differently though... Back on point! The depressive side of my condition is my companion more often than not. I am an expert moper, sleeper, eater and wearer of the same clothes day after day. The Temper side of me is the dickens too! I have told more bosses to... well, to do unpleasent things. Not to mention friends, family, neighbors, little old ladies at the grocery and my favorite; drivers! There are time when I get so frustrated and angry I dont NEED a reason, all I want is a moving target to verbally shread. Afterwards Im fine...
I move ALOT. I have no current Dr. and no meds since my last doc refused to see me anymore. No explanation, just a mousy little note in the mail. I was taking all sorts of meds. A new cocktail each visit. So frustrating and so HARD to keep organised. After a while I could veg out for days without caring. Aweful.
Now I am looking for help, I need a doc with thick skin who WONT try to OVERMEDICATE me again. Good Grief I hate being a zombie from pills.
Well thats me in a nutshell (coconut shell?
Now, WHY AM I HERE?
I am sick and tired of living life like a sleepwalker. I need to find a way to MOTIVATE myself. Motivation thats lasts longer than 30 seconds. I WANT to make my non-depressive life a happy place to visit. While in a depression every once in a while I will peek over the covers and think "Maybe it's not so bad out there" then I sit up and I look around and see not much worth while and sliiide right back under the covers for another sleep marathon. Maybe if my non-depressive life is a nice place to visit then, when in a depression, and I look around I'll want to stay!!
I need a life. But think I may have forgotten how to go about getting one... I have to wonder if I ever truely had one. Regardless, I WANT A LIFE. I want to laugh. I want to be AWAkE in the DAY time! I want to PLAY! I want to LIVE LIFE!!
Unfortunatly that enthusiasm lasts just long enough for me to go running to the bathroom, fully intending to shower and shine myself. Once in the bathroom I look in the mirror and can virtually SEE the wind drainingout of my sails.
UHG. HOW DO I STAY MOTIVATED???!!!!!
Well folks. That is my big question. Is there anyone who like me, has the motivation skills of a melted ice cube? Someone who has managed to tap into motivation AND keep it going? Anyone...
Good Grief! I have blathered on and on... I'm not going to re-read or proof read this monster. I hope it makes sense!
Regards!!
Linear Mode
