Motivation...maybe... - Bipolar Disorder Message Board

Good Grief! · 07-24-2005, 05:41 PM

Im very new here. I have come here in hopes of being able to mae some BIG, healthy, positive changes in my life. Im here hoping to find people

who want the same, we can encourage each other,

who have already MADE changes, advice would be nice

I have never been able to relate to so many people as I have while reading through the many threads here. So many times as I've been reading over the last few days I've blurted out "YEAH! ME TOO!!"

Here is some personal History:

I spent YEARS (15 years) in denial about my condition. I didn't WANT to be BP. My grandfather was BP and he was a mess(he refused treatment). I just DID not want to be like him. No WAY!

At the ripe old age of 32 I finaly ran outta gas. I hit a brick wall. I was on the verge of loosing ANOTHER job. I knew that it would be the end. I would NOT bounce bac from this one. I was flattened.
Sidenote: I have been firedand/or quit 126 different positions. THAT is the OFFICIAL employment count based upon my SS#. That does not include those jobs that were under the official table. Bartending and waitressing.
I knew I was at the crossroads, no denial on earth could blind me to fact that I had a choice. Neither choice was really appealing. Choice 1. stay on the path to destruction, slow destruction and find out what it means to 'meet a bad end' OR ACCEPT THAT I AM BP AND GET HELP. I signed myself into the hospital. I spent over 3 whole months in a lockdown unit (One day we'll have to share humorous hospital stories! Boy the stupid things I did! A Victorias Secret shopping spree to the tune of $700, while hospitalized, and had the goods delivered to my hospital ROOM!! ) 3 months of hospital food causes a whole SLEW of erratic thoughts! It was the best thing I ever did. I made the right choice. But this new life is VERY different.

My Mission:

Okay I am learning to put denial in my past. Im BiPolar. Now Im trying to learn HOW to live. I want to be PRODUCTIVE. I want a LIFE. Probably for the very first time. In the past I wasn't living, I was running as fast as I could AWAY from ME!

Well, Ive stopped running and now I want to DO something. As I said earlier I cannot seem to get the MOTIVATION to do a darn thing! My lack of motivation causes me to PROCRASTINATE with everything. So I have a HUGE 'Things To Do' list. It grows every day. Every week or two I MAY do ONE thing on my mental list. Then collapse in utter exhaustion... So after (waytoo many) hours of thought on the subject of motivation and why I DONT have any...I've come up with a theory (please, if this is an old theory don't let me know! Let me find out later...much later ...And I have a PLAN.

I'm thinking I need to treat MOTIVATION like a muscle. If you don't use it you lose it! Well I've certanly lost it! Sooo...

Im going to treat motivation like a wannabe bodybuilder would treat the gym.

I couldn't go to a gym and sling around a 100 pound weight lie it was a grilled cheese sandwich. But if that were my goal. Id pick up a 2 pound weight and sling it, then eventualy a 5 pound weight and so on...

Soo...I'm going to list 5 things off my 'Things To Do' list. This short list is my 2 pound weight training. If I can do all five things in/for one week then I'll add 2 more things to my list. Maybe this way I'll be able to BUILD motivation. By accomplishing anything regularly I'll build my confidence and so on...

Now this will have one of two results.

It will work.
Or
I'll need stronger meds, when I find a pdoc.

The reason Im posting this here is for 2 reasons.

Reason 1: I get discouraged VERY easily. Im hoping that if I post 'Weely Progress Reports' I will recieve encouragement, maybe even just enough to make the difference.

Reason 2: I'm hoping someone may want to join in. Someone feels as I do, frustrated, ready for POSITIVE change and scared of not being able to change but trying it anyways!

So here goes...

Here is my ListOfThingsToDo:

1. I need to get a new keyboard. The letter 'k' no longer works on this one, I have to find the letter elsewhere, then copy and paste that darn letter into each needed word!! I have been doing it for about 2 months...

2. I want to wake up to a clean kitchen. I hate cleaning the itchen, I always put it off and then delay, delay, delay.

3. I will NOT take NAPS. I end up napping alot. Yeah I get tired, but lately when I'm honest with myself, I go to sleep to avoid DOING things. I get bored, yet won't DO anything. So I tae a nap. That way I don't have to think about what I'm NOT doing.

4. I will find a new psychiatrist. I want my meds.

5. I will unpack 1 medium box/ half a large box per day. I just moved to NC, I've been here for almost 2 months. I haven't unpaced.

I'm debating about posting this. I want to, I really need the help. But I'm a little nervous too...

mudhound · 07-24-2005, 05:58 PM

Good Post! I loved that about the K. That dog gone K. It will do it every time.
This is the place.

Ruth6:11 · 07-24-2005, 06:19 PM

One thing I now is that I really eep coming bac here because the fol s here are so nice and so helpful. They don't care if I don't have a on my eyboard.
So don't worry about THAT anymore here, o. .????

I also have no motivation on one level. As far as doing things that I probably should do. (Cleaning floors and dusting are right up there)
BUT. Look at the upper right hand corner of my post. Now THAT indicates some ability to stick with something doesn't it??
I may be a lousy housekeeper, but I've managed a help "one or two" people here and I've stuck with coming here just about every day for 3 yrs now.

I say in addition to trying to be a better you, please take time to pay attention to when you need to pat yourself on your back!!

I also have some wild tales from the hospital stays!! Gee Gee won't be far behind in that category either!!
Welcome aboard Good Grief, you're a keeper! (oops, I mean " eeper"!)

Good Grief! · 07-24-2005, 06:20 PM

Thanks Mudhound!!

I just did some research to find the new eyboard!! It wireless...too cool! I'll loo_up the store and map it out and off I go!

I hope this is the place! Lord _nows I need help!!

Good Grief! · 07-24-2005, 06:23 PM

Ruth! I busted a button reading your post! Blew it right off my shorts!

Than you for the Welcome!