Hi all,
I was just curious if others find themselves with very, umm dark views to the future. I wonder if its the depressive side of BP or maybe just me. I find that I am a bit of a hypochondriac, I am always worrying about this or that, this twinge or that. Oh I look up stuff on the internet and get compulsive on it, reading on and on. I worry that I am having a heart attack at least once a week, all I need is a twinge, LOL.
I also find I am in constant fear of the end of the world, I know that sounds real silly, but I have been horribly afraid of nuclear war since I was in my teens, I know its eventually going to happen, So I have been waiting for it in a suspenceful acceptance kind of state.
In my early years (20-30)it was the very reason I didn't put any money away for retirement, didn't save to buy up a house or make any plans for my future. I felt, why go through all that when its just going to go poof anyway. I noticed when I got sad I always became the most obsessed with it.
I wonder now if any of my Co Bipolars might have a bit of the Hypocondriac worries or maybe the end of the world stuff too, or maybe it just hit me odd. Failure to believe in the future a part of depression?
So here I sit, going to be 40 on Monday, but I still think its just a matter of time. You would think I grew past this by now, but no. Though I now have an IRA, I still have a hard time planning for my life past a week or two and still live it day by day.
I have talked to some councilors about this, they think I need to stop the fixiation, but somehow I can't. I guess that its because its beyond my control and stares us in the face each day.
My poor wife wants to buy a house, I don't, but I don't want to dissapoint her, so I pretend I do. Buying a house would mean hoping for the future, and it seems so futile...
Of course lately on the medication, I am tending toward making more plans, like I am actualy leaning toward considering a townhouse and might actually enjoy getting it. This is differnt thinking for me.
So I wonder if my doom and gloom and coupulsive behavior can be actually BP related...
Oh my, Dave. This is great! I feel like I've found a twin!
I am totally caught up with death. With planning the funeral, my obituary, having the DVD with pictures and sound background ready to go. Keep in mind that I have no intention of hastening my death - I'm just preoccupied with it.
And I'm on the edge of my seat for the San Andreas fault to let go - sorry everyone in California, but in my mind I'm firmly convinced it's going to let go in my lifetime.
I can't say I'm a hypochondriac exactly, I rarely go to the doctor. But I'm convinced from time to time that I'm developing COPD or have cancer of the stomach/colon/etc.
Whew! Thanks for the opportunity to let THIS stuff out!!!
End of the World:
My 'dark view' was different, in my worse depressive states I would look to the future and see nothing. Not the end of the world, or even just me, just a vast emptiness that I felt was my 'destiny'. For the last several years I've done nothing, just sort of waited for the inevitable. And you now what? I created my own personal waste land. Just as I envisioned. By doing nothing I MADE it a reality.
I have a new theory. My destiny is not a vast nothingness, my destiny is yet unformed. My destiny is collecting dust bunnies while it waits for me, it waits while I make a choice. I can sit on my duff and do nothing. Or I can get in gear and do SOMEthing, anything. Two years from now, July 26, 2007, I will either be doing something or nothing. Either choice I make doesn't change the fact that July 26, 2007 WILL happen.
I believe depression affects each of us in a miserably unique way, yet the general 'darkness' is the same.
As for Hypochondria...Weeell I think we ALL, BP or not, get carried away with our own health and possible conditions. Good greif! My mother broke out Grey's Anatomy whenEVER I had a question, I still have nightmares about the birds and the bees talk! At 13 I knew more about my body, potential illness, symptoms and side effects than I ever really needed to know! To this day when I feel 'off' I go and research til my eyes are crossed. There's nothing wrong with that though, knowledge is good. Just make sure you temper it with a strong dose of reality asap. Learn to get the upper hand with our OCD, paranoia, or general 'gloom and doom' whatever the flavor, learn to BALANCE the GLOOM with GOOD!
So to you, keep on taking those meds! And by all means ALLOW yourself to LIVE! Buy a home with your wife! Enjoy just BEING!
Well I am known to to be quite the hypocondricat ( sp?) myself ,so I totally know how you feel. And how it feels so real ( whatever the illness of the day is).I hate it. I am new to the whole bipolar thing ( "found out" in November , just started meds a month ago) I hate being bipolar. Sorry I am a little negative right now. I don't have thoughts about the world ending , but I am constantly thinking about what is going to become of me (I can never finish anything I start school , jobs whatever) But I Do feel better I think on the meds so I would take yours if you are not on any get to your doc. Good Luck & stay strong. ~ Kittyy
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