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Old 07-27-2005, 06:18 AM   #1
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Derangea HB User
Unhappy Stuck In A Downward Spiral

I'm such an emotional wreck that its starting to affect me physically. My stomach always hurts, my eyes keep hurting from crying, its hard to swallow and breathe, and Im beginning to get headaches. Since Saturday I've been having lots of anxiety, but it will last from the moment I wake up, till the time I cry myself to sleep. Every night. I cry myself to sleep. I dont know what to do. The only person I confide in about this is the person closest to me, my boyfriend, but he downplays it every time, and tries to joke around about something totally different to make me feel better. It just makes me feel worse. And then I get that thought in my head, "This is the guy who says you mean more to him than anything, but he wont even take the time to listen to you. He pretends to, but he doesn't." And then that just gives me more anxiety because it leads me to believe that he'll never change, and that I'm holding on to nothing, and will be alone forever if I let him go. I'm at work this morning now. I want to take half a day because I can't even think. My brain is mentally and emotionally fried. But I dont know how to ask for it. I dont know, if things keep getting worse I know where things will go, and strangely enough, it doesn't scare me.
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"All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses."

 
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Old 07-27-2005, 07:52 AM   #2
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angelblue65 HB User
Re: Stuck In A Downward Spiral

Derangea,
I'm sorry that you are feeling this way but it's good that you came here. I don't have a world of great advice, especially since I seem to be having a hard time myself understanding men in general these days BUT it's possible that your BF thinks he is doing the best thing for you by joking or making light of a situation because he doesn't want to see you down. And it is also possible that he just doesn't know any other way.

When my BF and I were first dating, something terrible happened to a friend of mine's brother and I immediately called my BF. The poor guy didn't know what to say and he was honest - he said he never knew what to do in these types of situations and didn't feel he was good at comforting someone but that he'd try. That honesty actually helped because at least it told me he cared - he just didn't know how to show it.

Now, in his low state, he downplays things (like something showing up on my mammogram) and it bugged me.

But we as females want men to react the way we would react and when they don't, it feels like they don't care. Have you tried telling him what would help?

I've reversed the situation and thought of how sometimes I don't help my BF when he is telling me something that is bothering him. I don't downplay but I used to try to fix everything with solutions and that really bugged him. All he wants is for me to listen so that is what I do (well, most of the time). But I didn't know until he told me. Everyone has different needs and expectations. If you haven't already, I urge you to explain to your BF what would help. You may even have to tell him what you need from him JUST BEFORE you tell him what your problem is so he'll know.

I'm sure that he cares about you and wants to be there for you. Please give him the chance.

Please, though, don't go this alone! Call on as many people as you feel comfortable with. Sometimes people don't know unless you tell them. And keep checking in here, ok?

 
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Old 07-27-2005, 07:56 AM   #3
Bop Bop is offline
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Re: Stuck In A Downward Spiral

Derangae, I am sorry to hear that you feel that way. I wish I had the strength that you do to communicate with my fiance exactly how I feel. Typically when I am at my worst I crawl up in a hole and ask to be left alone. I have a thread that I just wrote yesterday that has to do with dealing with my fiance and how when I am hurting she just won't leave me alone. Kind of interesting how men and women respond differently to their significant others when dealing with bp.
The best advice I can give (very similar to what angel gave me) is to understand that he does not understand your position and probably won't for a long time. Ask him to listen and tell him that if his response is not serious then he should just be quiet and listen. An ear is always better then a mouth. Make sure he knows that.

Bop

 
Old 07-27-2005, 08:33 AM   #4
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Derangea HB User
Re: Stuck In A Downward Spiral

angelblue65 - Thank you for relating. Sometimes we forget that others can't read our minds. Me and my BF have been together for about a year and half now. And he's definetley gone through alot with me. Two suicide attempts, one hospitalization, panic attacks out the gazoo, but when I think back, I never felt comfort from him during those times. We are VERY open and honest with eachother. And I explain to him in great detail my triggers and what helps during situations like these. And when I'm balling my eyes out and he's holding me, I just get this sense from him that he wishes he was doing something else. Sometimes he acts like it, like I'm a burden, which really hurts. So instead what I've decided to do is curing times like these is not go to him but to others, others like the people on this board, or my sister who is also bipolar. I feel bad keeping him out of the loop on my emotional distress, but sometimes he just flat out makes it worse when I tell him. What do you think that means?

Bop - Thank you for your male perspective *L* I can understand why you just want to be left alone. Its weird because sometimes I either want to be held really tight, or I dont even want to be touched. Its confusing. My BF is rarely ever serious. He's naturally guilty. I think that thats his way of simply dealing with issues. Which is totally dissimilar to my way since I'm an artist and take my pain out on some kind of art form, which is always serious. Sometimes its hard to have a serious relationship with someone who isn't serious, especially when you're BP.
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-DERANGEA
"All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses."

 
Old 07-27-2005, 10:03 AM   #5
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angelblue65 HB User
Re: Stuck In A Downward Spiral

[QUOTE=Derangea]angelblue65 - And when I'm balling my eyes out and he's holding me, I just get this sense from him that he wishes he was doing something else. Sometimes he acts like it, like I'm a burden, which really hurts.

My BF can be hot and cold as well. He can actually get very emotional. If he were to look at my face during some of these occasions, he may misunderstand and get the same feeling that you do - in that I wish I was doing something else. It's true but let me explain. During these times that my BF feels SO bad about something or himself, I wish so bad that instead, he was happy, that he had peace in his heart, that his soul didn't hurt. I wish we were outside laughing or enjoying music or taking a drive - things we did when he wasn't depressed. It could certainly be taken in a selfish way but that's not why I'm feeling that. I sincerely want my BF to be happy, inside and out. I know sometimes he "fakes" it for my benefit. I don't want that. I want him to be happy for himself and maybe that's what your BF is feeling. It can be a very frustrating feeling because it leaves us feeling helpless. Let me add quickly that you are not responsible for your BF's feelings by any means - I'm just trying to say please don't try to interpret what your BF is feeling. The look on his face could mean so many things.


"So instead what I've decided to do is curing times like these is not go to him but to others, others like the people on this board, or my sister who is also bipolar. I feel bad keeping him out of the loop on my emotional distress, but sometimes he just flat out makes it worse when I tell him. What do you think that means?"

I'm not sure if you were questioning what it means that he sometimes makes it worse or that you go to others for help. By using others for support outside of your relationship is healthy so I'm happy to hear you have a good circle for yourself. As far as your BF making it worse sometimes, well, I do that too. Sometimes when my BF confides in me something he's feeling, I right away get caught up in his pain and I soooo don't want him to feel what he's feeling - such as worthless, guilty for things that were out of his control, well you get the picture. It's hard to remove myself personally and be objective but I do know it's the best way to help. We sure can make things more difficult because we're the ones who love you. Not that that is an excuse - it's just that sometimes doing the right thing goes out the window when dealing with emotions.

I hope this helps. Long explanations I know.

 
Old 07-27-2005, 11:20 AM   #6
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Derangea HB User
Re: Stuck In A Downward Spiral

No, the explanations were perfect. Thank you so much
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-DERANGEA
"All credibility, all good conscience, all evidence of truth come only from the senses."

 
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