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Old 08-02-2005, 09:40 AM   #1
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Why am I so unhappy?

Hey everybody! Sorry Iíve been gone a while. I miss coming here all the time to check up on everyone.
Here is my current ďthingĒ that I would like some advice/insight on. I am soooo unhappy at work. I just feel like Iím numb when Iím here. Iím so easily irritated, but at the same time, I just donít care about anything (at work). I donít understand this. Is this the bipolar/depression/anxiety crap? I love my boss, which is probably what has kept me here so long. That, and the insurance. I just canít afford to quit and lose that. I just got approved for FMLA, so I could take off for a day or two if I wanted, but I canít seem to do it. We are really behind right now, office-wide. And, our director is leaving, which is scary as heck because she is really nice. So I feel like me just being unhappy isnít a good reason to take off. But, at the same time, my doc wouldnít have filled out the FMLA paperwork if she didnít think I truly needed it sometimes.
Iíve thought about going to work at the other big hospital in my town, but then Iíd have to start all over with the benefits, have to get new doctors (because obviously their insurance refers to their hospital, not the one Iím currently working for), and get used to new people. Plus, I canít imagine what I would WANT to do. Itís like I donít know what I want to be ďwhen I grow upĒ. My counselor asked me the other day if I was doing what I was ďsupposed to be doingĒ. As in, my career of choice. Well, that just got me thinkin. I donít think I am. I didnít go to college (canít handle that many stressors at one time) so Iím pretty limited in what I can do. I have tons of training and knowledge, so I could do what I do about anywhere. But, I donít think Iím meant to do this. Is life going to be like this forever? Am I never going to love my job? Will everything I do be just a job? Is there anyone out there that has found dream job that no only keeps them wanting to work, but also works out with the bipolar thing? I mean, is it just me or does everyone pretty much dread every day they have to go to work? My dad would say ďthatís life, youíre going to get that anywhere you goĒÖ but is that really true?
My increased meds have seemed to get the depression under control, but now I just feel kind of numb. Its weird. Like Iím void of any real feeling. Everyone at work is so stressed and pressing forward because we are behind, and here I am, struggling to get through 8 hours a day. We are on overtime right now, but I canít seem to do it, which, b/c of the FMLA is okay. But I feel guilty for not pulling my weight. But, I think I feel even more guilty for not caring about pulling my weight.
Sorry, non of this probably makes since. I guess I just donít know what to do.
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Old 08-03-2005, 02:05 AM   #2
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babygrl1337 HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

Hey I'm sorry your feeling so crappy we all get that way......Do you have any energy? What kind of meds are you on?

My doc just upped my mg on wellbutrin cause i told him i didn't have any energy.....anyway when i didn't want to do anything i felt worse cause i felt like my bp was holding me back from doing what i needed..... About the job thing I don't think anyone has a dream job..... Unless you work for lazy boy testing out couches everyone I THINK is unhappy with having to get up in the morning and going to work if they say they LOVE getting up and doing there job there lying or they never experienced life or anything fun.....

You also have to remember that we live with a disease that alters our ways of living, and our way of thinking.....I don't see how your doc could ask you that cause you and me or probably anyone with bd doesn't know what they are supposed to be when they "grow up".......I also want to say it's never to late to go to school....you could take some basic courses just to get your mind on something else and maybe you could "look" into the future like that.....

Alitte about me i've had job after job after job and i always hated to go to work.....currently i am going to school but i am doing the 4 week classes for certification in phelebotomy (drawing blood).... i done that cause i know i cant
go to college for like 7 or 8 years to be what i would like to be..... I know that when i started these classes i've been obsessed with studying and homework...... i'm absolutly positive that i will get bored with a job and what i will be doing after awhile....

Sorry didn't mean to blabber but i just wanted to say almost everyone is unhappy with there job and the only reason they work is to pay bills....and yea it's part of life and it sucks...... Hang in there and ask your doc about wellbutrin if your not on it if you are maybe you could up the mg's cause my doc said that wellbutrin is supposed to give you energy.... Hope i could help.....

 
Old 08-03-2005, 03:25 AM   #3
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kimber lee HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

Hello, gosh i am sooo sorry tha t you are so unhappy, Well this is what i figure, if you have to spend 8 to 14 hours at a job that you dont like, and it makes yu so unhappy, then quit. I did. i had had it with customer service at title insurance companies, so i quit. (i dont have children, just myself)got a job at a animal actors working ranch as a stable cleaner along with all the mexicans shovelin ****!, making 2, 000 dollars less a month, but i had had it and the only thing to finally do was quit(on good terms)i WAS happier shovelin the poop and brushing the animals making less money than i was making great money and hating life everyday, money really isnt everything, granted it does take alot ther=se ddays to get by, but there are waays to get by , yiou just have to be creative , and dont be afraid to figure out different strategies, lord knows i have done some pretty off the wall things but made decent money with all due respect always, nothing illegal or anything.Our fathers thought the same way your father thought, , but back then thats the only way anyone thought, no one was supposed to be happy at work, they were robots, punch the time clock etc... They sure didnt have as many stresses in the ways we all do today. I now train animals for the films and movies, dont make great money. i just get by. but im happy. do you have wife and kids?Or husband and kids I dont know if yiu are a male or female, (sorry!), i hope you can relax and figure this out, best of luck, I been there , if i could do it so can anyone else, kimber lee

 
Old 08-03-2005, 03:46 AM   #4
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Good Grief! HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

Mikeyswifey,

Have there been times when really felt like you were kickin' paper butt and lovin'it at work?

If you answer yes. Then I would guess you just need a long weekend. Give yourself a break. Grinding it out at half speed and not caring only continues to wear you out. BUT if you were to say take thursaday/friday/monday/tuesday off...weeell THAT would be like charging your battery. I bet if you were to do that, when you got back youd be more productive for the remaining 3 days than if you had of worked straight through at half charged!

Meanwhile investigate other employment options. See if there is something out there that grabs your attention. The world is your oy...its just too corny to type...you get the gyst though!

FMLA is wonderful thing! Use it to your greatest advantage. That is what it is there for!!

Sidenote: Guilt. No. No guilt. You are doing the best you can at the moment. EVEN if your current worn out best is less than your fully charged best. Just in case your NOT believing that you ARE doing your best...If you were not, if you truly did NOT care...You would NOT have written about it AND you would NOT be making yourself feel guilty about it! You, me, heck EVERYONE have so many REAL things (rush hour traffic!) to worry about that we shouldn't be CREATING more worries. Let that guilt go!

OH! One MORE thing...If you DO decide to take some time off...Make it ENJOYABLE. Do something you wouuld NOT normally do, but have THOUGHT about doing...
After all your charging your physical AND mental battery! Head to the Majic Kingdom! Be silly!

 
Old 08-03-2005, 11:22 AM   #5
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

You all are so great. Made me really smile!
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Old 08-03-2005, 12:27 PM   #6
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

babygrl1337 - right now I am on Lexapro and Wellbutrin (plus many others for all the other crap... ) My doc just increased my Wellbutrin, I went from 100mgs 1 time a day to 150 2 times a day. I feel a little better today, less disgust with the job, but, you all know this is a day to day thing. You made a really good point about the disease altering our way of life. I don't have the official diagnosis BP, only diagnosis depression, but that does just as much damage as BP does. I have a hard time making up my mind on anything at all. I went to school for a while, but the pressure I put on myself for good grades was too much for me. I ended up cracking under the stress. I've debated taking some courses now, but, again, I don't know if I could take it. Even just the financial aspect of it would probably freak me out. But, it is something to think about. Phlebotomy has always interested me. I just don't know if I could do it. Especially when its a little baby or something crying their eyes out. It definitely takes a patient and caring person, which I know you are that, so you'll be great. Plus, there is a lot of variety in a position like that. Always seeing different people and in different settings. Especially if you're in a hospital and go from floor to floor... Might be fun! Thanks for your response.
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Old 08-03-2005, 12:30 PM   #7
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

Kimber lee Ė Thanks for the response. Itís always good to talk to people in similar situations. I have quit a couple of jobs just for that reason. Basically, I just got fed up w/ the way I felt and the way I was treated and walkedÖ But, I donít want to do that here. I love my boss so much, which is what is keeping me here. And, for the most part Iím pretty happy. I think its just the mental stuff causing me to be downÖ and, itís the end of our fiscal year, which is always stressful on everyone. For some reason when those around me are stressing really bad, I kind of soak that up and take it in as my own. But, this time Iím not doing that as much, which I guess is good. Hopefully this feeling will pass next month after I take a few days off. My hubby is having his wisdom teeth out, so I took off to take care of him. But, when heís passed out from the meds, I will get some ďmeĒ time in. Crafts and movies are the plan. Haha My dad is a farmer, which explains his do it anyway type attitude. He can be sick as a dog, but still working. But that is because he has to, if he doesnít, no one else will. He has a hard time grasping that my life is totally different from his. And my mom is the same way. Oh well, I am working on that too. It doesnít really matter what they think. But, it is hard not to worry about it b/c they are my parentsÖ know what I mean? I donít have any kids, just me and my hubby (Iím female by the wayÖ haha) This is part of the reason I donít want kids. I have a hard enough time taking care of myself, let alone someone who is totally depending on me. So weíll see.
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Old 08-03-2005, 12:33 PM   #8
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

Good Grief Ė You made some great points. I think I do just need some ďresetĒ time. Now if I can just get the nerve to use an entire day of that FMLA time! The guilt thing is something Iím definitely working oneÖ always been a big problem for me. They (human resources) told me to use the FMLA whenever I felt like I needed it. Like, for doctor appointments (thatís the main reason I got it) or on days that I need to stay home. They said to just call in sick, and then call the HR lady to let her know itís FMLA so she can enter it into the payroll system that way. I just canít bring myself to do it. We have to fill out ďtime offĒ slips for vacation days and doctorís appointments and stuff. Iíve debated just filling one out for an entire day and writing FMLA on it, but I just canít seem to work up the nerve to do it. My therapist said that I need to take off and just play for a while. I love to make jewelry and am currently working with clay. She said she thinks part of my depression is from not playing enough. My ďinner childĒ needs to be nurtured more. Which, is soooo clichť, but itís a good point. I just never thought it would apply to me. Really, the more I think about our last appointment, Iím kind of aggravated with her. I donít know if I just want some one to feel sorry for me or what. But she said Iím not fighting the depression and anxiety hard enough. Well, thatís the problem, I canít seem to fight it anymoreÖ. UghÖ Thatís a whole different problem I guess. But, it didnít make me feel any more secure about the whole ďis this a real problemĒ thought. I think we all go through that. Since it is mental, and not something you can physically see, you wonder if itís not all just a fantasy in your mind. Whatís really weird about the way Iím feeling is that I think if I stayed home Iíd probably clean house. I think because I never have the energy to do it while Iím working. And, when the house is neat and tidey, I always feel tons better. I guess itís just one less thing to worry about.
Sorry, I got off topic a ton on this one. I just wanted to make sure and cover everything!!! And, as soon as I have one thought, my mind races to another!!! No wonder Iím having such a hard time!
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Old 08-04-2005, 08:22 AM   #9
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

So.... I'm still feeling like I want to change jobs. I don't know if this is a genuine feeling or just the indecisiveness of the disease.... My neighbor works at the other major hospital in my city, and lately I've been thinking I want to go there. I think the pay is about the same, but their benefits are better (they get more vacation and stuff like that). And, I think their insurance might be better/cheaper. I have a PPO, and I think they might have an HMO, which is usually cheaper for the patient in the long run. And (this sounds silly) their buildings are nicer than where I'm at now. I guess that sounds petty, but we are in a building that is over 100 years old, and falling apart. Our roof leaks, the heating and cooling system is wacky (hot at my desk, cold at the person next to me's desk), and stuff like that. Plus, we have no windows... At all, in our whole office.... Which I don't think helps anything. People tell me to go outside to get sunshine, but when its 100 degrees out there, that is no fun... especially when it's hot at my desk anyway... So looking out a window sounds like a treat to me on most days.
I guess one of my bigger concerns is the FMLA and stuff. Does anyone have experience with FMLA? Since I got approved here, should I be able to get it at the other place too? Especially since I pretty much only use it for doc appointments and to have in case of emergency (i.e. nervous breakdown). Also, I guess I have to decide if the switch will be worth it. Because I will have to change doctors and therapists. But, to tell you the truth, I'm not too terribly happy with any of my docs at the moment. I mean, I guess my appointments work, but the doctors aren't super great, and I don't feel like I can't live without them. It's more like they are just getting me by... barely. Know what I mean? But going to new docs is always such a scary thing... Ugh, I just don't know what to do. And, meeting new people and getting used to them.... I'm used to the people I work with. I'm not crazy about a lot of them, but I'm used to them. Comfort is a tricky thing...
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A positive attitude wonít solve your probs, but it will annoy enough people to be worth the effort.

Last edited by MikeysWifey0316; 08-04-2005 at 08:31 AM.

 
Old 08-04-2005, 09:10 AM   #10
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jephiner HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

Hey Mikeyswife...did I spell that right???

I found your post very interesting. I can tell you that I quit a job w/ the government about 2 years ago. I worked as a welfare worker and as you can imagine - we had lots of pressure times like the one's you described. I also do not have a formal education and was making very good money for the place I live and had extended medical (canadian speak for HMO I guess) I am now a stay at home mom.

I have 2 thoughts on the subject. One is that there are always times you hate your job - even if it is ok. I agree that you should take medical days if you need them - and not buy into the guilt. You have a disease that requires constant attention and maintenance. Don't kid yourself about that. It isn't your fault or a lack of character - it is the nature of your disease! If your job is usually OK and you are at the edge of quiting - definitely take time off before you make that decision. I have quit many a job because I was not aware of the disease and the patterns. I don't know about you - but getting bored or getting overwhelmed and quiting is definitetly a pattern for me....and it gets tired! In many ways quiting was a good decision for me because the stress level was really high - and I think it will be easier for me to get healthier w/out being threatened and being yelled at *L* On the other hand....I have left a job that I will never be able to get the same amount of financial benefit from and I don't have an eduction to fall back on. In Canada there is the duty to accomidate people with disabilities - I wish I had been aware of my bipolar before I quit. I would have worked with my employer to help suit my job to my disease so that it would have worked for both me and the employer. I would have probably kept the job.
The other thing I would like to say is that I recently read a book called "touched by fire" regarding bipolar and the connection between bipolar and creative genius...a little sidebar is that it did discuss that people with all mood disorders are very sensitive to the amount of light they receive and any changes in that. Perhaps spending time in a building w/ windows should be a consideration - not a deciding factor or anything - but just something to consider as a pro for the other building......
I really hope you the best - I know I am reacting a little bit strongly for the "keep the job" camp but that is just because I have some regrets about quiting mine - so keep that in mind when you read my post. I will be thinking about you...and hoping you take some days for yourself to regroup...on the beach of course *L*
xox
Jen
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Old 08-04-2005, 11:05 AM   #11
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by jephiner
Hey Mikeyswife...did I spell that right???

I found your post very interesting. I can tell you that I quit a job w/ the government about 2 years ago. I worked as a welfare worker and as you can imagine - we had lots of pressure times like the one's you described. I also do not have a formal education and was making very good money for the place I live and had extended medical (canadian speak for HMO I guess) I am now a stay at home mom.

I have 2 thoughts on the subject. One is that there are always times you hate your job - even if it is ok. I agree that you should take medical days if you need them - and not buy into the guilt. You have a disease that requires constant attention and maintenance. Don't kid yourself about that. It isn't your fault or a lack of character - it is the nature of your disease! If your job is usually OK and you are at the edge of quiting - definitely take time off before you make that decision. I have quit many a job because I was not aware of the disease and the patterns. I don't know about you - but getting bored or getting overwhelmed and quiting is definitetly a pattern for me....and it gets tired! In many ways quiting was a good decision for me because the stress level was really high - and I think it will be easier for me to get healthier w/out being threatened and being yelled at *L* On the other hand....I have left a job that I will never be able to get the same amount of financial benefit from and I don't have an eduction to fall back on. In Canada there is the duty to accomidate people with disabilities - I wish I had been aware of my bipolar before I quit. I would have worked with my employer to help suit my job to my disease so that it would have worked for both me and the employer. I would have probably kept the job.
The other thing I would like to say is that I recently read a book called "touched by fire" regarding bipolar and the connection between bipolar and creative genius...a little sidebar is that it did discuss that people with all mood disorders are very sensitive to the amount of light they receive and any changes in that. Perhaps spending time in a building w/ windows should be a consideration - not a deciding factor or anything - but just something to consider as a pro for the other building......
I really hope you the best - I know I am reacting a little bit strongly for the "keep the job" camp but that is just because I have some regrets about quiting mine - so keep that in mind when you read my post. I will be thinking about you...and hoping you take some days for yourself to regroup...on the beach of course *L*
xox
Jen
Jen
Thanks so much for your post! You are very right about the whole keep the job thing. I have too much time and effort and stress (blood, sweat, and tears haha) put into this place. And, it is a huge hospital. So I can always transfer to another department. But, like I said, I'm used to the people here... and getting used to new people is hard, especially when you are struggling w/ depression/BP. I'm just feeling very "unsettled".... which, I'm sure is part of the whole disease. I'm sure I do need to take off. I'm working on getting the nerve to do a half day or whole day tomorrow. I have a few more hours to decide. So we'll see. But, I have found I handle my job better when I can come on here. I'm not supposed to at all, its against the rules... but, it is what is keeping me sane. So, on days when I need to, I check in or post. But, like I said, thanks for the post. You're always very very helpful.
Lots o Love
Casey
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Old 08-05-2005, 12:58 PM   #12
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babygrl1337 HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

Casey I don't think your on mood stalilizers are you? Have you ever talked to your doc about them....... I was diagnosed with major depression when i was 16 and nothing worked for me. I tried all the differant types of meds for depression and about 2 years ago they finally put me on mood stabilizers along with my depression meds and ever since they put me on lithium i have been seeing more clearly and i feel alot better since they put me on them....... I really think that wellbutrin isn't doing you any justice....... Do you have days where you feel kinda weird but not really depressed I don't know how to word it but you just don't feel as depressed as usual..... If you do i would talk to your doc about mood stabilizers....... I was the depressed girl who hated life and never liked to talk much...... I had more deppression than mania that's why it's so hard for the docs to diagnose the bp cause when you go to the docs office and the depression hits cause you know what's going to happen when you go into that office...your past, your life and everything that you wouldn't talk about usually and i don't know about you but that depressess me..... it took the doc 4 years to see that i was bp but ever since then i don't have to worry about what's really wrong with me......
Hope i could help.......
Oh just let ya i only have about 3 more classes left and i'll be certifified......

 
Old 08-05-2005, 01:20 PM   #13
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

Quote:
Originally Posted by babygrl1337
Casey I don't think your on mood stalilizers are you? Have you ever talked to your doc about them....... I was diagnosed with major depression when i was 16 and nothing worked for me. I tried all the differant types of meds for depression and about 2 years ago they finally put me on mood stabilizers along with my depression meds and ever since they put me on lithium i have been seeing more clearly and i feel alot better since they put me on them....... I really think that wellbutrin isn't doing you any justice....... Do you have days where you feel kinda weird but not really depressed I don't know how to word it but you just don't feel as depressed as usual..... If you do i would talk to your doc about mood stabilizers....... I was the depressed girl who hated life and never liked to talk much...... I had more deppression than mania that's why it's so hard for the docs to diagnose the bp cause when you go to the docs office and the depression hits cause you know what's going to happen when you go into that office...your past, your life and everything that you wouldn't talk about usually and i don't know about you but that depressess me..... it took the doc 4 years to see that i was bp but ever since then i don't have to worry about what's really wrong with me......
Hope i could help.......
Oh just let ya i only have about 3 more classes left and i'll be certifified......
Congrats on the certification!!! That is so exciting for you! I'm trying to fill my time w/ crafts right now... and am going to try and take some classes for that... Just recreational, but I could make some money doing it.
To answer you're question, no I'm not on stabilizers. My doc wasn't comfortable prescribing them or diagnosing me with bipolar b/c she isn't a psychiatrist, just family practice. So, I have an appt with a psychiatrist on September 20th, and I think that is going to be a long wait. I call at least once a week to see if there are any cancellations, and haven't had any luck yet.
I know exactly what you mean about feeling weird sometimes. Sometimes I feel slightly manic, but not full blown like some people describe.... so it is really a gray area. Today I'm feeling weird like that. I feel pretty good, my mind is racing with thoughts and ideas, which is great. But, it's like I don't remember the depression. I mean, I know it was bad just a day or two ago, and I still don't feel super great, but it's like I don't feel like I need all these meds and appointments because I feel like nothing should be wrong with me. Does that make sense? Then, I have little reminders like the awful worry that my hubby is mad at me (for no reason of course) and stuff like that. So, I guess that just helps me remember it's still there. Talk to ya soon! Gotta get some work done!!!
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Old 08-06-2005, 11:37 PM   #14
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babygrl1337 HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

That totally makes since, ok i think you're definatly bp...... Just remember when you feel like nothing is wrong in alittle bit all the wrong will hit...... So keep your appt. with the doc...... like i said before thats why most people gets diagnosed with depression because they only want to go to the doc when there in the depressed mood......

I think that it doesn't matter how we feel we always worry about or hubby's....

I hope everything goes well with the doctor's appt. It will be stressful at first....but after you get comfortable talking to him/her. You'll feel alot better......

c-ya jessi!!!

 
Old 08-07-2005, 12:33 AM   #15
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MikeysWifey0316 HB User
Re: Why am I so unhappy?

Thanks Jessi! I'm kind of looking forward to going... like right now, its 2:30 am here... and I'm up... ugh... Sleeping is getting harder and harder. So I'm hoping this doc can shed some light on if all these problems I have are connected or not...
I do have some semi-good news. There was a job opening posted at the hospital where I work. It is in their home health department, which happens to be about 5 minutes from my house! Right now I'm on the other side of town (about 30 minutes)... So, I'm going to apply for it. I may not get it, or may not take it (depending on the people and the pay) BUT, it is an option... And that kind of stuff always feels good.
I think I'm finally ready for some sleep. Talk to ya later!!!
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