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Old 08-13-2005, 12:46 PM   #1
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RagingRobin HB User
Newly diagnosed and new to this board

Hi everyone! Just wanted to say hello and THANK YOU ALL for your words of experience. I've already learned a lot just by reading the posts on here and it gives me great relief and encouragement. I have felt so alone and misunderstood for so long and it's really wonderful to find a place where people like me can connect and support one another...woo hoo! Who knows, maybe I can make some friends on here since I've lost the friends I did have due to my emotional/mental problems. I look forward to reading future posts and I hope you all have a great day!!!

Robin

 
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Old 08-13-2005, 03:57 PM   #2
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mudhound HB User
Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

Welcome to this board! Join in and feel free to post as often as you like.
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Old 08-13-2005, 08:06 PM   #3
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jephiner HB User
Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

Hi Robin,
I have been newly diagnosed as well and this is such a wonderful wonderful place. Welcome and I am looking forward to seeing you here lots!
Jen
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Old 08-13-2005, 08:24 PM   #4
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AimeeS34 HB User
Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

Hi there Robin!!

Add me to the newbie list. I was diagnosed a little over two weeks ago, but I have suspected BP for over a year.

I know what you mean about losing or the lack of friends. I some how tend to lose any that I ever find...well all but my wonderul husband!!

I wish you so much luck and hope to see you around here a lot!!!

Take care.

Amy

 
Old 08-13-2005, 08:56 PM   #5
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cajuncutie23 HB User
Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

i was just diagnoised a month ago. i don't really think i am bi-polar but i won't to believe b/c the doc is a professional that maybe i am. i just feel depressed all the time. i have very little happiness. anyway, i am just looking around seeing what everyone else writes. it helps a little to understand more. bye for now.

 
Old 08-14-2005, 03:30 AM   #6
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kimber lee HB User
Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

Hello and welcome, i am sorta new to the board i guess about 4 months now, yes the people are freindly and i find the help and support of all these wonderful people is far better than any help i could even think about getting from a doctor.Doctors dont know **** unless they ar bipolar themselves ok i look forwared to seeing you around, oh yeah by the way i am bipolar , not on meds , went off 4 years ago and desided to take the natural route, difficult but doin it. byebye now kimber lee

 
Old 08-14-2005, 02:09 PM   #7
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RagingRobin HB User
Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

Hi again everybody and thanks for the warm welcome. :-)

Like *cajun* I too just thought I was severely depressed. I battled it for years with little relief. Then I started thinking that maybe I was bipolar cuz I would get extremely irritable, had absolutely no patience w/my kids and I'd blow up (and I mean REALLY explode) over minor stuff. Also, I've always had obsessive tendencies, which my doc says is part of b.p. When something really upsets me I just cannot seem to get over it and move on.

Another thing (and this is quite personal and embarrassing) is that I've had periods in my life when I was very promiscuous. I've always been so ashamed of that, but according to my doc, that can also be a part of being b.p. Sound familiar to anyone??

 
Old 08-14-2005, 10:31 PM   #8
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jephiner HB User
Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

Hey Robin,
You have nothing to be embarassed about - that is a definite symptom of BP...you are soooo not alone.
I am like you, I didn't get the euphoria that mania is linked to - and so I thought that definitely wasn't me ..... until I heard that some people experience mania as severe aggitation. Oh god...that was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo oooooooooooooooooooooooooo me. I have been spending my whole life trying to control myself and my anger. What a relief when I started this medication. I am only new to it but I cannot believe the difference. I am also very obsessive.

I have come to believe that not having the euphoria is actually a blessing as some people have a very hard time giving the mania up because it is so pleasurable. I may have been productive and driven but I was always uncomfortable. What a blessing.

Anyhoo...keep coming here and learning. I look forward to talking to you again.



Jen
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Old 08-16-2005, 04:27 PM   #9
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RagingRobin HB User
Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

Hi again everyone...

Kimber, how are u managing w/o meds??? Gotta hand it to u, that takes a lot of courage and inner strength.

Jen, we sound a LOT alike. I've always had a HORRIBLE temper and it doesn't take much to p*ss me off. I have done a lot of wild and crazy (and I mean REALLY wild and crazy) things in my life too, let me tell ya! I've put myself and others in danger, cuz I've gotten so out of control that I just don't give a **** and when I get that way I have absolutely no fear of anyone or anything. I've hurt everyone I love and I feel tremendous shame for that. I know I can't erase the past, so right now I'm just trying to make a better tomorrow. Gotta believe there's hope, u know?

I can already tell that this board is gonna be a tremendous help. The support here is wonderful and thank God for that, cuz I sure don't get any from so-called friends and family. They think I'm just using mental illness as an excuse for my emotional instability. For example, I invited my mom to accompany me to a doctors' appointment today so she could gain a better understanding of my illness and all she did was look at me blankly and say "I don't wanna get into it!" Then a bit later she tried to start a fight w/me over it and she wouldn't stop until I decided to take the high road and leave (gave myself a pat on the back for not blasting her back verbally). Been crying on and off ever since, but I'm trying very hard to focus on the good stuff.

Ok, I've babbled on enough for now. Catch u guys later.

Robin

 
Old 08-17-2005, 07:03 AM   #10
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singsong HB User
Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

Robin-WELCOME! This is a good Board and look forward to checking it out everyday day or so. I was diagnosed many years ago and it is most helpful to discuss med problems and things like that.

Again, enjoy and use this great tool. I do!!!!!!!!

 
Old 08-17-2005, 01:56 PM   #11
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polarized13 HB User
Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

Hi Robyn,

I just wanted to say Hi, and welcome. This is a great place to come for support. I haven't been here very much because I've been busy, and feeling ok, I use the board a lot when I'm depressed and lonely. I try to be helpful to others when I'm feeling good, too, but it just seems like it doesn't work that way very often anymore. I have seasonal affective disorder, and I tend to have a hard time in the winter, I've always been able to control my moods better in the summertime.

I've been on and off so many different meds, and struggling to be a 'normal' wife and mother. Most days things are really good, but you never know what's going to be lurking around the corner. I just try and be really aware of myself, and my behavior, and nip things in the bud when problems come up. If I get stressed or overwhelmed, then look out, things could spiral out of control in no time.

I was diagnosed a year and a half ago, I joined the board in March. I used to be on here all the time. It seems like there's a lot of new people here now, I don't even recognise most of the names. I guess that's what happens when you don't come here for a while. I look forward to talking to you more.

Take it easy,

~~heather~~

 
Old 08-17-2005, 08:51 PM   #12
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RagingRobin HB User
Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

Hi Heather and nice to meet ya! Sounds like you're doing pretty good and that's awesome...hope it stays that way. I think it's wonderful that you're focusing on your family. That's what I'm trying to do.

Whenever I see other moms on here, I am reminded of the guilt and shame that I will always feel for the huge role I (and my illness) played in tearing my family apart. But on the flip side, it also reminds me that there is hope. My soon-to-be ex-husband and I were together for 13 yrs (since I was 17) and married for 9 yrs. We have 3 beautiful kids ages 9, 6 & 2 and I have put them all through so much.

My husband and I fought constantly and I often got completely out of control. I admit (with more shame than anyone will ever know) that these things occured frequently in front of our kids, especially toward the end as my mania presented itself more often. Because neither one of us knew I was bipolar and my husband just grew to think I was a crazy b**ch, he began distancing himself from me emotionally. In turn, I distanced myself physically (sexually) and it just spiraled from there.

My need for an emotional connection resulted in an affair and several one night stands that I wish to God I could erase. During that time I also began drinking heavily (to the point of blacking out and falling straight on my face in the middle of the road) along with smoking pot several times a day. I know, not exactly the smartest thing for someone like me to be doing. I just wanted to make the pain go away, atleast for a little while.

The reality of all the damage I had caused was so overwhelming that I got to the point where I avoided being home as much as possible. This went on for almost 3 years. When I was home all I wanted to do was sleep and I neglected my poor babies severely. All they wanted was the attention every child deserves from their mommy, I just wasn't able to give it to them at that time in my life. The sad thing is that before things got really bad, everyone I know used to tell me what a good mother I was.

My oldest son developed a pretty bad stuttering problem and had trouble making friends. He is a very sensitive child. Last year my 5 yr old son was admitted to UCLA Neuropsychiatric Institute for 3 wks on a 51/50 hold for hitting me in the back with a baseball bat repeatedly and assaulting a sheriff deputy. And trust me, that's just the tip of the iceberg. He has bashed my mom in the face w/a heavy object, punched his baby sis in the stomach repeatedly (when she was 8 wks old) and the list goes on. He's now living w/my ex cuz I just couldn't handle it anymore. He's improved some and he does surprisingly well in school, but it's still touch and go. I miss him a lot, as they live 2 hours away and I don't get to see him much. But I know atleast for now, it's the best thing for everyone.

I can barely remember my daughters infancy, cuz I was soooo messed up in the head. The good thing is that I've cleaned up my act quite a bit and my condition has improved a great deal. My daughter is normal and happy, and to me, that speaks volumes as to how far I've come as a mother. I'm here for my kids and am making strides every day to be a better mommy. We read stories, play games, cuddle and do all the silly things that parents should do w/their kids. I get up w/them in the morning and cook them nutritious meals every day, which I couldn't honestly say a couple years ago. My oldest almost never stutters anymore, he's much more confident and has several friends...Yay!

I've still got a long, long way to go and I have lapses from time to time, but for now I'm just trying to stay positive and take it day by day. Only wish I'd found out what was wrong w/me years ago, cuz I could've spared my kids a lot of pain and possibly saved my marriage. My ex and I still love each other very much, but we're both too afraid to go back to the nightmare our life was before. Who knows, maybe some day...

I'm so sorry for dumping all my baggage on u all. That's not what I set out to do, but I guess u guys know how that goes sometimes. Thanks for being here.

Robin

 
Old 08-18-2005, 07:21 AM   #13
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polarized13 HB User
Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

Hi Robin,

Thanks for sharing more of your story, please don't apologize, that's what we're all here for, to share our experiences, and help each other cope with this disorder. I have been through pretty much everything you have, the manic episodes, and affairs, the hell that comes along with spiraling out of control without knowing what's wrong with you, and having everyone close to you turn their back on you. My husband and I have been separated several times, and filed for divorce twice. We reconciled the last time two years ago, and I was diagnosed shortly after, we went to tons of therapy, and I'm amazed every single day that we're still together, and have made it through.

We moved across the country in order to start over and get away from our families, who were'nt exactly supportive of our decision to stay together. We also couldn't afford to live there anymore, and my husband was losing his job out there, and got an offer here, so it worked out.

I have a twelve year old son from my first marriage, and he is currently living with his father in California, and we are in court battling over custody of him. My son wants to live with me, we have always had a close relationship and he adores his step-dad and sister. He loves the mid-west where we moved from California last year. He's been out to visit several times, and has already made friends here. He thinks the cold winters out here are really fun, ( I'm a little less enthused ) Of course all of my episodes and my illness is being used against me as a reason to the court not to have physical custody of him. It tears my heart out every time I think about it. I know what you mean about shame. I would give anything to take all of that back.

My daughter with my husband is 6 years old, and starting in the first grade. She's actually happy, and well adjusted, thank God I was diagnosed and treated when I was, or who knows where we would all be now.

I still have moments that scare the hell out of me, and I have to step back, and take time to regain control. I can tell right away now when I am becoming manic, and I know what things I need to aviod to be ok ~ like crowds. I still have depressive episodes, too, and depend on prozac to help keep me somewhat sane.

I was on all kinds of other meds, but I went off after I suffered a miscarriage a couple months ago. (I'm 35) We're still trying for another baby, I know it's risky with my illness, and everything, but I have such a huge desire for another child, I always wanted a big family, and now I have an only child, basically.

It sounds to me like you're a great Mom, you should give yourself more credit. No one can understand what we have to overcome with this illness to have a normal life unless they've been there. I'm so sorry about your divorce, that's it's own special kind of hell, and I will be here for you in any way that I can, if you need anything.

take care,

~~heather~~

 
Old 08-18-2005, 08:39 AM   #14
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Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

I know the largest part of guilt resides with the memories of how I treated my ex-husband (could I have possibly have been more crazy??) and how I neglected my children. No one really new I was neglecting them - I was here - but I spent the days trying to ignore them because the bothered me so very much. I loved them but I couldn't stand being around them. I did a lot of yelling and enough spanking (although thankfully I was never out of control w/ the spanking) to scare them. They deserved so much more.
I guess as much as I really carry that heavy in my heart - we all do have to stop sometimes and say " I have a disease" I would hever have acted that way towards people I loved so much if had been able to help it. I have spent so much of my life thinking I had a terrible character flaw that could not be repaired regardless of the 15 years of therapy, self help groups, reading and reflecting. I am going to let go of that self hate so that I can fill it with new things that can benefit me and my family. My job is to take my medication, be sensitive enough to avoid situations which will lead me be at risk of mania or depression, and to do the best I can every day. When I have had a bad day since I have been diagnosed, I tell my kids.....I'm sorry I acted that way, mommy has a broken piece in her brain and she is working on getting it fixed...that is the most anyone could ask I think...I hope!
I also try and treat my husband as nicely as I can - sort of a living amens to my ex husband - somehow if I don't do the same things over again I can show how sorry I really am....and once I am very stablized I will contact my ex and really spend time telling him how truly sorry I am that I acted the way I did and that things went the way they did. I am going to wait before I do that though - I have said sorry so many times before that I want to make sure that I am really balanced and really ready to show him I have changed.
anyway - I really hope you consider forgiving yourself - it isn't a disease you chose - and you don't need to carry the pain - just do your best today - and be honest with your kids that it was you and not them......in the end, that kind of love and honesty will heal.
God Bless all of us..and our families,
Jen
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Old 08-19-2005, 07:53 AM   #15
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polarized13 HB User
Re: Newly diagnosed and new to this board

Jen,

That was really nice, and it did make me feel better. You're right, it's so hard to let go of the guilt and shame for things we've done when we're ill. We know that we were'nt in control of our behavior, but somehow we still feel like we should have handled it better, or been stronger than the illness. I'm working on it. Having the forgiveness of my husband and children is the most important thing, and they know how committed I am to being well.

Moving away and starting a life in a new place has really helped the process of putting the past behind us. No one here knows all of the scandalous things that went on during that horrible time, and now we're treated just like everyone else. I came from a small town, and mental illness still has such stigma attached, many people don't accept it as a reason to behave the way I did. That will always hurt, but I think that time heals all wounds, and I'm proud of myself for the transformation I have made, and I know that things will continue to get better.

Thank you again for your kind words, it really does help.

~~heather~~

 
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