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Old 08-14-2005, 10:58 PM   #1
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 290
kathryn00 HB User
Not a way to live

I work 4 days a week, 5p Ė 1 am, soon to be 3 days. When I am at work, I read a book or surf the internet (mostly the healthboards, as I donít really have any interests). My job doesnít take very much skill. Which works out perfect because I canít do anything complicated at all. I feel like my ability to comprehend complex issues is impaired.

I dread my days off because I have no motivation. I donít accomplish anything and I donít have any hobbies. (I have ideas for hobbies.) I end up following my parents around (I live at home) and watching tv.

Not to mention, I sleep until 3 pm everyday, but I donít fall asleep until 5 am, after turning the lights out at 3am (my brain doesnít quiet down, itís slow thinking, but itís thinking). And on the days I work, I have just enough time to throw my hair up and go to work.

I shower one to two times a week, donít wash my clothes after every wearing or two, eat my cereal for breakfast every day at 4 pm, eat a lean cuisine and fruit for dinner at work, and crave fast food when I am not working.

I am stuck on routine. It gets me through the day. Just going through the motions.

I cannot relax. From EPS, I think, I suck on the side of my tongue (it always feels like there's something on it and it feels big and fat), I constantly twirl my hair and rotate my thumbs around. This causes a lot of tension in my body. When I am waiting around for something, I get very ancy. When I am doing nothing, I get very ancy. When I am doing anything, I feel ancy. I donít know if it is from anxiety, but feel that it isnít. It is a very tight feeling.

I just donít see how to change things. Exercise? Probably, but that takes motivation. How to change the tightness in my body, I donít know.

I am only on lithium. I have been for two years and have not had these problems of tightness the whole time. Living with routine, yes. No motivation, no. Sleeping late, I think so.

I just recently went off of Abilify. I have tried Zyprexa and Risperdal. I could not talk on any of these. Now, I can think and talk not being on any of them.

My sex drive is gone. My doc doesnít understand why.

Oh, I also smoke cigarettes rather quickly and somewhat often.

I enjoy humor, but do not laugh out loud. I donít take pictures anymore. I have a hard time enjoying the beautiful things in this world.

I just want to be comfortable and relaxed. I donít think itís the lithium, but if you do, please let me know. Is it anxiety?

Anyway, just wanted to unload. Ready for change. I know I have to be stronger and try harder.

Thank you!

Last edited by kathryn00; 08-14-2005 at 11:01 PM.

 
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Old 08-14-2005, 11:11 PM   #2
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Join Date: Aug 2005
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Posts: 76
NotUnderstood HB User
Re: Not a way to live

I feel you, I really do. I go through days like this exaclty. I don't have any motivation to get out and do anything, and when I'm at work/school,etc. I don't feel like talking to anyone, and when I do, I feel strange and like I don't fit in, sometimes, other times, I feel fine, but just fine...never quite happy at all!

When I laugh, I rarely laugh out loud, and when I do, I'm usually by myself watching a funny show or movie, but that is rare. When I am around other people and a joke is told or whatever, I can't seem to laugh or smile for more than a few seconds, it will just go back to being the blank look on this dead face.

A lot of days, I don't get to bed til about 2 or 3 in the am, and that's only because I take seroquel to help me sleep, but sometimes, I don't take it cuz' I'm afraid that its making me feel gorggy in the morning, and thats why I dont have any motivation, so sometimes, I dont take it, stay up all night, go to work or class, or whatever, and then come home, sleep until night, wake up, and sleep even more...sometimes sleeping 12-15 hours.

I am currently trying to get this all worked out and I am going to push myself to getting up in the morning, as best as I can, and I am also going to push myself to getting into some kind of activity to do, some hobby. Like you, I have ideas for things I could do, but it never happens. I just come home, and stay secluded and alone. I don't know exaclty what to tell you, except seeing a therapist and telling him/her all of this, if your not doing that already.

I hope things start looking up for you, and I hope you feel better asap. We need to push ourselves to start getting out more, and making interaction more with people, and then maybe some if this will dwindle down a bit. I know it's easier said than done, trust me, but we gotta try our best and have faith that things will get better.

It's good to get things off your chest sometimes, even if nobody is listening or reading it, as I am actually trying to do, writing my thoughts and what not in a journal helps sometimes. I hope the best to you, and feel free to let us know how things are going. Take care, and keep trying your best.

Sincerely,
__________________
NotUnderstood

 
Old 08-15-2005, 07:50 AM   #3
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Posts: 470
Picali HB User
Re: Not a way to live

Hiya

Have you spoken to your doc about this? Sounds like your meds need adjusting - although all meds have side effects it sounds like you are suffering from depression (lack of interest/motivation etc). I'm not familiar with the other drugs you mentioned so I don't know what they were for, but you seem to have been having these symptoms whilst you were on them anyway? Don't know if I misunderstood that?

A couple of things that really helped me in that kind of situation were cranial osteopathy and acupuncture. Don't know if they're available to you but might be worth talking to someone about it if you can - they're both good for that kind of non-specific lethargy and lack of motivation.

Hope something there helps - let us know how you get on.

Picali xx

 
Old 08-15-2005, 04:38 PM   #4
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 290
kathryn00 HB User
Re: Not a way to live

Thank you for your responses.

I don't know about depression. I don't feel sad. Can you be depressed without the feelings of hopelessness?

The tightness feels like my insides have shriveled up and are pulling on my skin. Can that be from not being on an anti-psychotic?

I go to my doc on Tuesday and will definitely talk to her about this.

 
Old 08-15-2005, 06:02 PM   #5
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Minnesota, just moved from California where I lived my whole life.
Posts: 441
polarized13 HB User
Re: Not a way to live

Hi Kathryn,

I haven't been on here much lately, I've been super-busy with my family, and school being out for the summer. Anyways, I read your thread, and I thought maybe I could add something to help. I think that you can be depressed without the feelings of hopelessness. We all have different ways of coping with things, and for me anyway, denial is huge. Part of depression for me is just lack of interest and motivation, and energy. Nothing else ~ no thoughts of suicide, or that things will never get better, it's just kind of an acceptance that this is how I am right now. I think it's because I've dealt with depression my whole life, and never really realized I had it until I was 34.

I'ts easier in your own mind to make excuses, and think of reasons why you feel the way that you do, instead of really looking at it for what it is. I was completely shocked when my doctor diagnosed me with depression, I had gone to him for something completley different, and I thought I was fine mentally and emotionally. I knew I had marital problems, and stress with raising two small children, but I thought it was just what everyone went thorough.

The fact that you recognise you have these issues, and you want to improve your life is the most important thing. It takes a lot of work, and pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, and not allowing yourself to do certain things ( that you know aren't right, like the showering thing, and the dirty clothes thing.) yuck! No offense, but like the Nike commercial says ~ just do it.

I think you should definately talk to your doctor, and tweak your meds also, but that is only part of the solution, the other part is taking responsibility for yourself, and your life, and making the changes necessary to have a better life. I think most people end up having the life they settled for.

I don't feel like doing most of the things I do everyday, but I do them anyway because I have to, it's my responsiblity. I have worked hard and made sacrifices to get the life that I have, and I'm happy. I have problems, but that means I have to work that much harder to reach my goals. That's just part of life.

Good luck with everything, and remember you have the power inside of you to live any kind of life you choose ~ even with this illness, you can still be happy, and successful. You just have to work for it.

take care,

~~heather~~

Last edited by polarized13; 08-15-2005 at 06:21 PM. Reason: made an error~~

 
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