My boyfriend that I have been seeing for a year and a half has lied to me several times. It most always has to do with either talking to other woman or rumors about his faithfulness. He has admited that he has lied to me about texting and emailing woman on-line but says he has never been unfaithful (although there have been rumors that he has). My question is he is not currently taking meds but is going to the pdoc on Monday because I told him I cant take the ups and downs or the lying anymore. He says he loves me more than anything and wants to spend the rest of his life with me and he knows he needs to get his moods undercontrol. Is lying part of bipolar and does meds stop this from happening (especially the talking to other woman)???? I really do love this guy alot and want our relationship to work, but I need to know that I can trust him??? Is this possible when someone is stable and taking meds?? Has anyone else experienced this?? If so has it gotten better when they are taking meds???
Hi. I am married, and my husband is BP. He found out when he was 21, and it has been two years now. He has never been faithful to any of his old girlfriends, and when he was young, got in to alot of trouble. We started taking his meds right after we found out. He was hospitalized after one month of being married, and when he first went in the hospital, I looked around on his computer, and found out that he had been talking to his ex girlfriend. ALOT. And I read emails and all. It hurt alot, and since than we have been through several ups and downs getting his meds straight. But I noticed that he does have a problem that when he gets alittle manic or depressed he gets on the computer and meets woman on line. It is one of the signs that he is going manic, he stays on the computer for hours. Over time, I have leard to watch him which is sad to say. But when he is stable and on his medicines, I have NO problems at all like that. I think that being bipolar, makes you selfish, and they cant see what there doing to other people around them. Not until they get control, of there meds, and who they truely want to be. I can only wish you the best. And one thing I like to always remember, people have to WANT to get better, that is the first step.
Thank-you for sharing your experience with me. It does seem to me that by BF also does this when he is a little down or starting to get manic. Although I know that he is not doing this to intentionally hurt me and can't really control this when he is manic, it still really hurts me and scares me. My big concern is what if he does start meds and gets stable....that doesn't mean he still wont have times that he has ups and downs.....Will I always have to deal with the lies and trust issues during these times??? If I was married to this man, it would be a different story, but I keep telling myself why are you doing this??? You can walk away!!!! ~ I hate thinking like this because I love him dearly and it makes me feel like an uncaring person for thinking that way but I don't know if I can live with this if he can't stop the lying and talking to other woman.
Can you (or anyone that has dealt with this as well) let me know if you would still have married your spouse knowing he was bipolar and knowing about the lies and distrust????
Is there a full moon or something because there seems to be a redundancy of this subject (including my situation).
I don't know if I'm the best to give you advice but I feel for you so I felt compelled.
There are so many issues that could be present. I've learned that it's not always the BP/illness even though I've caught myself blaming all the negative behaviors on that and all the positive on the person. That's just not fair (to the illness and it does not demand ownership of the person's behavior).
There are no guarantees of trust even with a mentally healthy individual. My BF told me right up front that in his younger days he was never faithful but he also was self medicating way back when and did not have things under control then. Although I have some trust issues myself having dealt with this problem in my former marriage, I totally trusted my BF because of his actions and how he backed up his claim of being a changed person.
Then his world/our world fell apart and here I am dealing with what you are.
There are no simple answers here.
My BF has childhood trauma which can cause trust issues. Is it possible your BF has anything similar?
My BF also has situational depression from several major outside, ongoing stressors. This has been a significant contributor to his downward spiral. Is your BF experiencing any major stressful situation?
My BF is on meds but they are obviously not working so not being on the right combo can be just as bad (in different ways) as not being on anything. Being on the right combo does not eliminate the cycles but hopefully levels them out to a point where productive happy lives are led.
So many times I've read that this illness, which includes depression, causes our SO's to say one thing when they're feeling the total opposite. So we hear "get the f--- away" when they really mean "I'm scared, please don't leave". Other times they mean it so it will help tremendously to be open to taking a huge step back and evaluating your own behavior. You are not responsible for his triggers and moods but you can minimize alot of arguments by learning (and trust me this is HUGE) 1) this illness is NOT PERSONAL; 2) learn what are possible triggers (i.e. fussing over their meds, noises, crowds, etc.); and 3) WALK AWAY when it feels personal. You cannot reason with your BF when he's in an agitated state.
Ruth and several others on here have given great advice in the past to people in our position - a great relationship is always possible if you set reasonable expectations or boundaries and the most important one is that he be on medication and be consistent about it. Combine that with therapy and it should hopefully make a big difference.
Lastly, would I marry this man? Up until a few months ago, absolutely. Yet, I honestly believe I am dealing with more than BP now (meaning the PTSD) so again (Ruth's advice), if he does not seek help for this, then we are at a standstill and well.............
Read, read, read and get as much as you can from these boards. Keep posting and let us know how you guys are doing.
Thanks a bunch for sharing your experience and knowledge. Right now I am so scared and confused!! ~ I had a REALLY bad week-end with my bf. He was drinking both nights which always makes him manic......when he is around me and his friends in this state he pretty much acts like I am not there. He can talk to everyone else around him......including other women, but basically I don't exsist!!! ~ When I try to talk to him, I get the whole your not my mother so don't try to tell me what the F*** to do....and other wonderful comments like that! Of course the next day he is absolutely mortified that he acted like this and begs for forgiveness. He did go to the doctor yesterday and they put him on Lamicatal (low dose to start then gradually increasing it). The doctor said it will take a few weeks to notice the effects. He goes back in two weeks...not sure if he will be put on anything else then, but I do know that he needs something for anxiety. Do you know if Lamicatal alone will stabilize his moods or will he need something esle to go with it???
This is sooo hard because I am scared to death that the meds. be the miracle I am hoping for. When my bf is in a stable state, he is such a great guy but there is no way that I can deal with the other issues it the meds don't take that part away. I hope this doesn't sound cold because I really do love my bf with all my heart, but the emotional damage his ups/downs causes me is very unhealthy to my well-being.
Thanks again for your support ~ This board has some amazing people here that trully make you feel like you are not alone and not crazy for loving this a person with this illness!!!
There's some things I wanted to comment on so hopefully I can touch upon them all.
The part about your BF being able to talk to everyone else but you could be a number of things. In my case, this did not happen to me until my BF sunk so low in his depression and did not feel good about himself because of alot of issues he could not control but that affected his self worth. For me (and I am not saying this is what is happening with you), I believe I represented all that he felt bad about - what he could not do for me, knowing how much his behavior affected me, etc. etc. (he did tell me this in times when we had better talks) and he could not face me anymore. It was much easier to talk to ANYONE else. Of course, it's that old cliche you always hurt the ones you love the most.
I spoke with a male friend who confirmed that men HATE being fussed over. I went into caretaker mode when my BF was extremely sick and was so out of it from surgery, he could not take his own meds. After that, I was always making sure he had them filled, etc. because I know how important it is to be consistent in taking them (and he was not). But I've also read on these boards from some females who have BP that they too hate to be told when to take their meds so my advice to you, which was given to me by Polarized, is to not fall into the trap of being co-dependent. Your heart is definitely in the right place. It's so hard not to care. It's sometimes a thankless job.
My BF would say all kinds of things, some of them being exaggerated, but always hurtful and it would sting for days with me. Sometimes he'd remember saying them, other times he would not. I've been told that the things which get said can hold some truth to them, you have to sift through it. It ALWAYS feels personal even though it isn't. My BF and I would argue and 5 minutes later he would be up and happy as if nothing happened. It would be so hard to "catch up" to his change of moods. But then again my BF has mixed states and rapid cycling. Do you know what type your BF has (BPI or BPII?)
I never got much remorse from my BF. When I did, I could see how terrible he felt but it wasn't often and that was probably just his personality - not being able to say sorry that much.
As far as meds, I don't know enough (I should) about what does what but I do know for the most part, people are usually on a combination of a mood stabalizer as well as an anti-depressant. Sometimes an anti-anxiety med gets added and on and on it goes. That's why it takes so long to find the right combination.
If I can give you some advice - please don't put all your eggs in one basket with the meds. Honestly, they will not make the illness disappear. That's exactly why part of the med combo is called a mood stablizer. It does not eliminate the behavior but hopefully will lessen the severity. This is why I suggested to read as much as you can. There is a book about loving someone w/bipolar. That's a beginning - but it helps to understand how to recognize triggers. It is a predictable illness. But you have to figure out if you are up for all of it. It's ok if you find that you aren't.
You said that "the emotional damage his ups/downs causes me is very unhealthy to my well-being." This is why I am concerned. This was me - I let all his comments and rage get to me. And you're right, it is not healthy if that is how you are going to allow it to affect you. But there are ways you can deal with his moods if you're willing to work hard.
I posed this question before and I will pose it to you - forget about the illness for a moment. Is your BF a man you can see being with in the future. Does he possess the qualities of someone you can trust, love, and cherish? If you can say yes to all of that, then maybe you can really make a go of it. If you have your doubts of him as a PERSON (nothing to do with the BP), then I guess you have to weigh out the options.
My situation, at least I hope for others' sake, is extreme. I do not want anyone else, new in a relationship with someone who is BP, to think mine is the norm. If you only knew everything that happened, it's almost as if we didn't have a chance from the start.
I truly wish you well. You've at least come to the right place where you can always find answers!
Thanks again sooo much for your words of encouragement! I am not sure if my BF is bipolar I or II but I think he is Bipolar II ~ I also think he has rapid cycling. He usually goes about 3-5 days in one state (from low, to high, to normal). It is pretty consistent ~ However, there was a point last year when he wasn't drinking much at all where he went a few weeks at a time in a normal state and his lows and highs were not as severe. This tends to make me think he is getting worse and trying to self medicate more. However, most people don't even know he is bipolar. Once people get to really know him they think he is very moody, but it doesn't affect them like it does someone he is in a relationship with.
I do think you are right about the not feeling good about himself part. He has a very low self-esteem (and he shouldn't because he is very goodlooking!!). When he is drinking and manic, he starts to feel good about himself and feeds off that by the attention he gets from other people (especially woman). In his normal state he is very sensitve and caring. He is also very shy and quiet around people he doesn't know (social anxiety), which I think is a big reason for the drinking. He has told me that he has to drink in order to be ok, around other people. He can be himself around me and a few select others. However when he is manic, he is the life of the party and can talk and flirt with anyone!! I know when he is manic his behavior is part of his illness, but when it happens, it hurts like hell. In his normal state, my bf would NEVER act that way.
As for the "hating to be fussed over" part; I think you are correct again. My bf's exact words when he was manic this past week-end was: "Your not my F***in mother!!" Your right it is very hard to not worry about them and try to make things easier for them by doing things for them, but I guess if it were me, I would probably feel the same way.
I do understand that part of my bf's behaviors is who he is and that his personality will still be there when he is medicated, but what I am hoping the medicine does is change how he acts when he is manic. He is like a womanizer and can't control his urge to flirt and talk to other woman (he is also very hpersexual when he is manic) Which I don't complain about when he is with me, but I do worry about when he is not with me. So there is a trust issue for me when he is manic. Although he swears up and down that he has never cheated on me. I can't prove that he did, but I have my doubts?? This is not like him at all when he is not manic.
When he is down, he pulls away and closes off from everyone (especially me and his family). Which I hear is normal when a BP person is down. They tend to distance themselves from the ones they love. I don't like that he does that, but that I can live with (although I do hope that med's help this as well). The part I CAN'T live with, is the lying, flirting (cheating), ignoring me around others like I don't exsist but talking to EVERYONE else, and the mean things that are said when he is manic.
I really want things to work with him, but if the med's don't change the trust issues that I have with him, then I will not be able to stay in the relationship. I know he loves me more than anything in this world. And he is ALWAYS very sorry and absolutely horrified with himself when he is manic and treats me poorly, but this does have to change for me to be able to stay in this relationship.
Am I hoping/asking for too much of a change when he is medicated???
The reason my username posted as bab instead of feeling lost is because I have a different username when I am on my work computer. The board would not let me have the same username on two different computers.
Are you asking too much of a change? Hmmmm, I don't know how to answer that. Thinking of the course of my BF's behavior, I don't know how accurate my situation would be to yours.
IMHO, I believe triggers will always exist. There are some things you can avoid such as large crowds or loud events (if these are some of the triggers) with him therefor removing some of the causes. Other things you will never be able to prevent because one day something you do will be ok and a few days later might send him into a rage. Of course, if there's any outside stress that all, this compounds the normal cycling and will most likely intensify the underlying agitation.
Self medicating has been discussed on here so much and it is a big no-no. If he wants to get better, this is one of the things he needs to refrain from. Caffeine is even a factor. But then again, some folks here consume in moderation and they say it's fine. It's all in the individual. The one thing though is how does your BF expect to know if the meds are working if he continues to self medicate? It's defitely going to interfere. He has to really want this. I hope he does for both of your sakes.
The moods will unfortunately never go away. If you can think of it this way - what they must be experiencing, the confusion of racing thoughts, the irritability, etc., maybe trying to look at it from the other side might help somewhat.
There is a fine line between the illness and the personality. It took me a long time to get that through my head. I didn't want to believe for one moment that any of the horrible things my BF said to me were him talking. I always wanted to think it was the illness talking - that way I could be mad at the BP, not him.
Again, my situation differs (at least I think it does) because I wholeheartedly believe my BF never came to terms with his childhood trauma which is why he has such a hard time maintaining a relationship. So if I continue to compare his behavior to that of your BF's, it would not be fair to him (your BF) because he most likely does not share the same background.
You sound like me, a sensitive person, which is the worst mix. Seriously, if you are to continue, you need to develop teflon skin (I think that is advice from Ruth as well).
I will try to help as much as I can. I feel for you, I really do.
I appreciate your help more than I can possible express!! ~ And yes, I am a very sensitive person that is as loyal as the day is long, so developing "teflon skin" has not been my strength to say the least!!
I do know some of my bf's triggers, but your right, they also sometimes come out of nowhere. I usually see a mood change coming a mile away because without meds right now he cyles pretty much on a set schedule and I can tell my his tone of voice, eye contact, and body language exactly where his mood is going. But there are times that bam out of nowhere there it is!!!
He is on his second day of meds., so hopefully in the near future I will see some changes in the cycling (right now it is all the time). I do know that it may take some time to get the right combo. But right now any type of improvement would be encouraging....He is REALLY trying, which is why I am still here. I told him he had to do this for himself and not for me or he wouldn't stick to it. So he did go to the pdoc on his own and has started his meds., but only time will tell whethter they will work or if he will stick with it??!!
The good news is he did say he knows he has to stop drinking. It is football season and he is a highschool football coach (and highschool teacher) so he is usually pretty focused during football and does not drink. So this is a good time for him to start his meds.
I told him that after what I went through this week-end, that we need to talk because if we are going to stay together, we need to have some ground rules. I hate to put to many stipulations on him, but he needs to know that I am serious about this.....I have to be for my own emotional sanity.
One condition is that he can not go out partying with his friends. He is only 27 and some of his friends are 24 and 25 so they still like to party. However, they are not teachers and coaches and in jeporady of losing their job if they can't ge their **** together ~ he is and he is well aware of that. Another condition is he has to be honest with me and NO MORE ON LINE CHATTING WITH WOMAN OR CALLING OTHER WOMAN. I do understand him calling woman friends because he does have a few woman friends that are trully just friends. But I am referring to past girls that he may have had a short fling with or just plain strangers on-line!!
Really those are the only two conditions that I have. ~ I understand that he will have times when he gets angry and says mean things....That I can handle from time to time. I can also handle him becoming quiet and distant from time to time. But the partying ( which leads to mania and cycling) and other woman (which is caused by his drinking and getting manic) are out of the question.
My fear.....him getting manic and not being able to control the calling/on-line chatting with other woman.....Or getting manic and wanting to go out partying!!!
I guess only time will tell how he responds to meds. He has never even admitted to anyone else but me that he knows he is bipolar and has never been to a pdoc for it....let alone take meds., so I guess I have to be thankful that he made the first big step.....admitting he has a problem.....and secondly, doing something about it.
Thanks Again for all of your insight and encouragement....It really does help a TON!!!!
I'm glad to hear that your BF appears to be taking this seriously. And it's good to set boundaries. Everyone has their limits in what they can accept. Hopefully you will be able to respect one another's. Have you asked what he needs from you? He may not know right away but there might be things that he's not telling you (like he may need to go for a ride or be alone to clear his head but afraid how you'd take it) or certain things might irritate him that you are not aware of. If he knows you're open to hearing what he needs to help him along, and it sounds like you are, I'm sure it will help.
Keep in mind, it's not that he has a "problem", he has an illness or a chemical imbalance, one which requires constant medication. You sound like a very caring person and you are definitely on the right track.
I always assumed that my bf new that I am always here for him no matter what! I don't think I ever really asked him what he needs from me. I guess I just thought he knew. Thanks for pointing that out to me....It's funny how sometimes we just assume we are doing our part and we overlook the small things. We are actually talking tonight.....and I am going to ask him exactly that question: "What do you need from me??"
And yes, you are exactly right...it is an illness, not a problem. When you really stop and think of it like that, it helps put in perspective what our SO's going through everyday.
I do try to remind myself from time to time....I don't have a MI, if I walk away, I don't have to deal with this for the rest of my life, but my bf does!! It breaks my heart to think of that.....to be honest, I worry about him finding someone that would take the time to understand him as much as I have and do!!
Thanks again for all your insight and support. It is very much appreciated!!
I will keep you posted...and probably be asking for more insight and problem solving from time to time. It is sooo helpful to have help from someone that is non-bias and can see it from the outside looking in!!!
Thank-you for your reply ~ I keep trying to remember that his actions really have nothing to do with how he feels about me.....I know that! It is just hard not to take something like that personal. But I am getting better at dealing with things.
Good news....he is taking meds. Lamicatal ~ and it seems to be working!! Yeah!! ~ He is really trying which means the world to me.
All the wonderful people here giving support and sharing their experiences, really helps to deal with things. It makes you realize that you are not alone!!
I hope I can start sharing some of my experiences with others and help someone else as much as others here have helped me!!!
PS. My username is coming up Babs because I am using my work computer and I had to use a different username.
Hello, let me ask you a couple questions, if you dont mind i will be frank as i am sure you are a very intellegent young woman.If i get too personal please tell me and i'll stop, but i like to know the smaller more basic details it helps me put it into perspecive and i am able to help people this way.
How old are you and your boyfreind, do you live together. And are you possitive he has told you the truth that he is infact bi-polar. I have come across several girls and guys that tell thier mates that they are bi-polar so that they can go ahead and get out of predicaments easier, such as talking to other women and lying and making you think that its meds making them do odd stuff, when infact they are cheating and just too dam chicken to be honest, I think that beautiful fairy is right(one of the people that anwered your query,) hes going to have to want to get better, and no meds dont correct this problem,, if i were you i think you have done all that you can do by showing him you love him but hes not paying attention, and you are just butting your head against a wall, it will always be this way with him i believe, i sure woulnt want to spend my latter years feeling this way and never really knowing the truth, this is hard on your mind daily and your heart and YOUR HEALTH and will definatly keep you from enjoying the finer things in life because youll always have this in the back of you mind and constantly wondering?????wondering????? wondering????
I can think of better things to do with my valuable time as a person with alot to give than to keep putting up with his nonsense, Youve got a life to live, so go out and enjoy life, and make some new friends, and dont get so involved with his bi-polar because this is something he has to make you understand if he understands it himself , and this will consume you so much eventually that you will lose yourself in all this, keep yourself together and live your life for you not him. and yes you are a caring person and you know it, dont let anyone or convince yourself that your not, ok take care kimber lee
Last edited by kimber lee; 09-01-2005 at 04:44 AM.