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Old 08-24-2005, 09:44 AM   #1
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How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

I have always had a major problem with this and it seriously inhibits my ability to function in my every day life. Whenever I feel really hurt by someone, I think about it and think about it and think about it until I drive myself crazy.

A couple years ago, I had a major incident occur where someone that I deeply cared for did something absolutely devastating to me and it broke my heart. I could not get past it for almost 2 full years. It consumed my every thought and sent me into a deep, dark depression. Recently, it has been the falling out with my long-time best friend that is plaguing my mind. It's the first thing I think of when I get up in the morning and I struggle to get things done throughout the day, because my mind keeps going back to this same issue over and over again. This also occured within my marriage and contributed greatly to it's demise, in addition to all the horrible things me and my b.p. put him through.

I know that when I do this I am only hurting myself, while the person I am obsessing over goes on with their life like nothing happened (which I greatly resent, I might add). But still, I can't keep myself from dwelling on it. I am constantly asking myself, "Why do I get stuck on things when so called 'normal people' can just let stuff slide off their back and go on?????"

I know that I desperately need therapy, but I just can't afford it 'cuz my sons medical bills are too high. I try to focus on the good things in my life like my kids, but my mind always goes back to how I've been wronged. I've even programmed my cell phone to send me a reminder everyday to focus on my kids and let the other stuff go, yet I still struggle with this issue. Any suggestions on how I can cope with this??

Robin

 
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Old 08-24-2005, 02:58 PM   #2
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woodfaery HB User
Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

Oh my gosh, I completely relate 100%. Its awful to dwell on past relationships that did not work out. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety not depression. Although my brother swears I am bipolar. I just obsess over things and it does drive me crazy too. Its not easy to deal with and I know it personally is hurting me worse than anyone. I am still mad at a person who wronged me 5 years ago. She could care less, and probably never phased her to drop out of being my maid of honor 2 weeks before I got married. She also ended the friendship then too. So, ya I do the same thing. It is wonderful that you are working hard at focusing your thoughts on your children. That is wonderful! What helps me is keeping active..like exercise, and also keep stress to a minimum in my life (including drama), and working extra hard at keeping a positive attitude. I even have self talks to myself in the mirror if I get way too down in the dumps. All this takes a lot of work, but with all the work it does pay off.
Good luck, you are doing great with what you are focusing on!
WF

 
Old 08-24-2005, 03:00 PM   #3
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woodfaery HB User
Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

oops, I meant to say I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety, not bipolar.
WF

 
Old 08-24-2005, 03:16 PM   #4
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babygrl1337 HB User
Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

Hey robin, I to have this problem..... and recently I have been looking to move caues there was something that happened here that really hurt me..... i try not to think about it but i do......I know i can't change the past so i try not to let it eat at me......... Were I'm from you can get a doc pretty cheap....... I would call whoever gives treatment and find a doc...... It helps tremedously and before i had insurance I went and got treatment and to this day i haven't got billed for it It will help you so much robin and it will only get worse (depending on the type of bp) if you don't.....

Write what you feel that may help you too and remeber you have your privacy so write whatever......

---->-----@ *Jessi*

 
Old 08-24-2005, 03:33 PM   #5
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batmatic HB User
Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

I can certainly sympathize with you for I, too, sufffer from the same problem.
For me it's been devastating and has had a negative impact on my life. From
what you wrote I imagine this has been the case for you too.

I have been been in therapy, until recently, for 11 yrs and even then I wasn't
able to get over this obssessing behavior. I honestly think that it is something
I am simply going to have to accept as part of Bipolar behavior and therefore
accept it as something I'll have to live with.

That isn't to say there isn't any way to learn how to cope with it. I just don't
know what that way is. Relationships are difficult for people with Bipolar at
best and it takes a special person to be able to withstand the turmoil of
friendship/relationship with a Bipolar person. I must admit my family is the
only group of people who have been a constant in my life. This is due in large part to the fact I have basically withdrawn from my social circle and isolated
myself to the point in which I have no contact with anyone except my
mother, sister, & nephew.

I know this is not healthy but it is easier: if you don't have any relationships
you avoid the possibility of conflict and the resulting pain. It is simply
easier and less messy to not make the emotional investment in the first
place.

Do I miss having friends and socializing? I must admit that I don't really.
I recently moved to another state and do not know anyone here so there
isn't opportunity to socialize really. I have thought that I really should try
and develop a social life but it doesn't seem worth the effort.

However, I do not reccommend that you take the same path as I have.
Avoiding problems doesn't solve them or make them any easier to deal with
when they arise.

Perhaps if you were to try and learn to accept that your obssessing over
conflict with others is simply part of being Bipolar and not a flaw in your
character or a personality defect that could help you through these times.
Remember that it isn't you per se who is flawed but an illness that makes
you act that way.

I know I haven't been of much help, I haven't much to offer in the way of
advise on this problem as I haven't been successful in dealing with it
myself. But I hope maybe a little bit can be of use to you.
Again, I really do sympathize with you and hope you find solice somewhere.

 
Old 08-25-2005, 06:41 AM   #6
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kimber lee HB User
Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

Hello robin, i too have had this problem, and it didnt stop when i went to sleep either, i dreamed the scinarios untill i didnt know what the **** was real anymore, so this is what i did, I WROTE LETTERS, EVERYTIME I HAD AN ILL FEELING OR FEELINGS OF BEING HURT BY SOMEONE I WOULD WRITE A QUICK NOTE OR A LONG ONE, SOMETIMES IT HELPS TO GET THIS **** DOWN ON PAPER BECASUESE IT SOMEWHAT SORTS IT OUT WHETHER IT MAKES SENSE OR NOT WHO KNOWS AND SOMETIMES YOU CAN SEE HOW REDICULOUSE SOME OF MAY BE WHAT YOUR THINKING, BUT SOME OF THE LETTERS GOT SENT WITH A "PLEASE FORGIVE MY CORNEY LETTER" WRITTEN IN THE BEGINIING, AND SOMETIMES I WOULNDT MAIL THEM AT ALL, AND SOMETIMES I WOULD MAIL THEM TO MYSELF, TRY IT , IT WORKS. GOOD LUCK KIMBER LEE

 
Old 08-25-2005, 11:03 AM   #7
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RagingRobin HB User
Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

Hi guys and thanks for sharing your experiences and advice.

In the past I have written letters expressing my hurt, anger, etc. It helped a little (especially at first), but then I went back to obsessing again. Uugh...so frustrating!! Since our recent falling out, I have sent my former best friend several text messages and left her a couple of voice messages in an effort to atleast try to patch up our friendship, but my attempts have been futile. She won't give me the time of day. I keep telling myself to just drop it, but I just can't! I hate it! I love her dearly and miss her so much.

I've tried to speak to my mom about it, but she is very unsupportive and cannot understand my struggle. I should've learned by now not to waste my time trying to talk to her, because it always turns into an argument at which time she brings up every nasty thing I've ever said to her during one of my many manic periods. Whenever I try to explain to her how I feel inside as a b.p. person, she says she doesn't want to go into it. She has made no effort to educate herself on b.p. and makes me feel as if she thinks it's all a bunch of b.s. and an excuse I use to justify my behavior over the years. It sucks too, cuz my kids and I are stuck living w/her until my divorce is final and I can get on my feet financially. I basically have no relationship w/my 3 siblings either, so besides my kids, I have nobody.

I think the fact that I don't have anyone else that cares makes me dwell on the issue w/my friend even more. She was there for me for 16 yrs and supported me when nobody else gave a darn. Now she doesn't care either and I am heartbroken.

Although it sucks big time, it's nice to know that I'm not alone in this struggle. I wasn't sure if this (dwelling on things) was part of being b.p. or just me, but the responses u guys gave me helped a great deal, cuz it confirmed that it is infact the illness that makes us do this.

By the way...I'm still obsessing today but I'm really trying not to. I think I'll go play a game with my little girl and then do some laundry. That should keep my mind occupied for a while (I hope).

Take care everyone and I wish u all a good day!!!

Robin

 
Old 08-26-2005, 05:39 AM   #8
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keystone206 HB User
Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

I write letters and notes too. I generally never send them. Usually it is about something that I have trouble getting out of my head. I will start out writing it in my head, and if I don't write it I can't get rid of it! A lot of times, I am then able to put it behind me.
Robin, this year I lost my best friend. I have written to her via e mail, but never heard back. Looking back, our friendship began to slide once I told her I was BP. She too didn't believe the diagnosis. My half sister and I have lost contact as well. I do understand a bit of what you are going through. Hugs
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Old 08-26-2005, 10:09 AM   #9
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jephiner HB User
Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

Hi Robin,
I go to a 12 step group and it has helped immensly. At different points in the steps you deal with these feelings and how to resolve them. Trust me, Bipolars are not the only ones with these issues! Good luck to you.
Jen
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Old 08-26-2005, 11:14 AM   #10
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RagingRobin HB User
Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

Thanks Keystone and Jen...

Not obsessing as much today, thank God. Just having u all to connect with really helps.

Jen, is the 12-Step Program u go to Emotions Anonymous??? If so, what do u think of it? I thought about joining, but I'm not particularly religious and from what I've read their program is. Wasn't sure how much it would benefit me.

Well, I'm headed to see my pdoc. Catch u all later.

Robin

 
Old 08-27-2005, 05:38 AM   #11
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Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

how did the appointment go?
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Old 08-27-2005, 11:45 AM   #12
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Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

Hey Keystone, thanks for asking.

It was frustrating to say the least. I drove 20 min. into town for him to spend a measley 5 min. w/me putting words in my mouth and not really listening to me at all. I tried to talk to him about my issues w/obsessing over stuff (just like I did last time) and he just quickly dismissed it by saying that once he gets enough lamictal in my system, then he'll put me on an anti-depressant, which will supposedly help w/obsessive thinking.

I think that is crap. I was on paxil several yrs. ago and up until he took me off of it, I had been on prozac for a couple of yrs. and it did nothing to help w/that issue. Initially he said he was gonna refer me to a psycho-therapist, but when I ask him about it he just blows me off.

Also, when I expressed to him that I still get extremely irritable sometimes over little things, he said that is the depression. In my case, I don't think it is, cuz when I get that way I'm really quick to be snappy, my heart races and my mind is just all over the place. Doesn't that sound more like mania??

I'm getting really fed up w/him and I think I'm gonna look for another doc. The only reason I even started going to him in the first place is because every other doc around had like a 2 mo. wait to get in. I was having a major meltdown and needed to be seen right away. Maybe the reason he could see me right away is cuz he sucks and nobody wants to go to him. Hmm, ya think?

He did up my dose of lamictal to 125mg/day, so I guess we'll see how that goes. But that's another thing that kinda bothers me...he always asks me the same question to determine whether or not to up my dose and that is,"How are u sleeping?" His main concern is how long it takes me to slow down my brain and go to sleep and how often I wake up in the night. Does that seem right? Doesn't it seem like he should be asking me more than just that?
**** I don't know...Irritating!!!!!

Robin

Last edited by RagingRobin; 08-27-2005 at 11:45 AM.

 
Old 08-27-2005, 01:06 PM   #13
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Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

I didn't know that was what bipolar is. I am just like that. I have been obsessing over my ex wife and all kinds of associated junk for the last couple weeks and can't seem to make it stop. I was "stuck in a loop" over her for almost a decade last time. Then I get over it and through circumstances she is back in my life in a very, very limited way and it started all these scenarios and memories and things I should have said and what she did to me and you name it. It's nice to have a name for what I am going through. Can't say it makes me feel any better now that I will go around knowing I'm bipolar. But at least I have a name for my insanity.

 
Old 08-27-2005, 01:48 PM   #14
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Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

Hi Ookie (love the name by the way, ha ha!)

I don't think just because u obsess over things makes u bipolar. Like Jephiner said (pg. 2) other people have this problem too. There's a lot more to being b.p. Do u have other symptoms??

 
Old 08-27-2005, 04:20 PM   #15
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woodfaery HB User
Re: How do I stop myself from dwelling on things I can't change?????

Hey I know I obsess, I can relate with everyone here. I am not bipolar, I do however suffer from depression and anxiety. My dear friend is bp and he doesnt obsess nearly as much as I do. He is usually way up emotionally...full of energy, and then way way way down. He is an amazing friend I couldnt ask for a better friend ever. Anyway RagingRobin you are not alone. Hope things start looking up for you, some days are hard. But theres good days too...hope you start seeing more of those.
WF

 
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