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Old 12-19-2005, 10:28 AM   #1
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Sad_girl HB User
Being Bipolar has ruined my life

I was first diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 9 years old. I have type 2, with rapid cycling. So I definately know what depression is. I just turned 25 a few weeks ago, I am a single mother, I have no friends, I haven't had a real boy friend in almost 5 years. My family feels obligated to me although they do not show any compassion or caring for me in the world. I am completely alone, and all because I have bipolar disorder.

The only thing I have really ever felt was wrong with me, is I was never able to accept when people hurt me. And sometimes I start crying and I just can't stop, no matter how hard I try to collect myself, or think about other things. And even though I know it has also made people so angry that I cried. Like people aren't supposed to have emotions that are shown no matter how much you walk all over them.

You know, I've always heard that a "crazy person" doesn't know their crazy. And so many people have been telling me this for so long I don't know if maybe that it is true now. My mother, who is my only friend, often refers to me as "You crazy b@#$%", or "You psychopathic b!@#$". And that's honestly how she feels about me.

My mom, has always been that type of person. When I was seven she married her second husband, my stap-dad, and the two of them would have drug benges together untill she didn't care about what was going on with any of her three kids. My step-dad was still to this day the most abusive person that has ever been in my life.

When we were kids, if I did anything wrong...anything at all, he would spend three or four hours straight yelling at me, telling me that I was the stupidest person ever born, and I was a complete f#$% up, and all I did was waste the air that he breathed. The physical abuse was there, too, but it was no where near as bad as mental and emotional abuse I went through.

And when ever this would happen, even when I was 7 years old, I would start crying, and not be able to stop. It always hurt my feelings when the people who knew me best told me I was worthless. And whenever I would start crying, it would make him more angry to the point where he would grab me by the hair and throw me up against the wall. I was always very scared of him.

This went on every single day untill I was 13 years old, and he told my mom either he goes or I go. My mom loved him more, so she made me leave. I bounced around with diffrent relatives untill I was 16, when I moved in with my boyfriend who I was going to marry at 18.

I got married when I was 18. And when my ex-husband would stay out all night or there would be fights over money, I would break down and cry always, and after spending an hour or two in bed crying, he would come in to the room and start slapping me in my face untill I had bruises on my cheeks and lips. And when I asked him why would he do that, he told me he did it because that was how you get crazy people to stop acting crazy.

I'm not on medication now, because sometimes, (although rare), I am able to smile or be happy, especially when I am with my son. I was on medication from age 9 untill 19, I was on everything...you name it, I took it. The only thing I have found out about meds is :1-it either makes you completely numb so you have no feelings, good or bad. or 2-it makes everything worse, it makes it so bad all you can do is curl up in a ball and sob uncontrollably.

I tried to get back on meds twice in my adult life, the first time i went to see a dr., he fell asleep while I was talking to him. And the second time the woman was so mean to me, I left crying in the middle of our sesion.

So in conclusion, thank you all for reading my story. If I didn't have bipolar then I might have friends, or a boyfriend, or a happy life. But I don't and I never will. I know I will die before I turn 40 of a heart attac or stroke. I know I will never have anyone in my life that will love me but my son. And I also know if my son wasn't here today I wouldn't be alive or even have gotten out of bed. Bipolar disorder has ruined the first 25 years of my life, because it made me feel nothing but pain, and I am very much looking forward to being in pain, and being this horrible monster that I am, untill the day I die.

 
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Old 12-19-2005, 01:29 PM   #2
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coffeegirl2 HB User
Re: Being Bipolar has ruined my life

First of all, you need to give yourself a lot more credit than you are right now. You are a wonderful person because you are a mommy, and to have that bond with your son. That itself, is a cherishable thing and no one can ever take that away from you and your son- no one!! It is precious. Hold onto it, and savor the joy of it each and every day and realize how much love you have for your son and realize how much good there is inside of YOU!

I'm so sorry for all you have been through with your past. ((hugs)) You have been through a great deal of trauma. Educating yourself and finding resources to help you get well will help you get back on your feet again to be the best person you can be (and we all want that for ourselves in life- and you should for yourself too; it is simply human). Follow kiehn's advice, and visit the NAMI website. NAMI is a great place to start.

I hope that you are able to find a tdoc that can help you recover from the past 25 years because you have a lot of living to do you in your life time for you and your son. He needs YOU in his life as a mommy. YOU CAN DO IT!!!!! Do NOT give up on yourself.

Take care of you and you will be fine. Promise. You are a good person and do not ever let anyone else tell you differently. Ever.

Many, many hugs....

Coffeegirl2

 
Old 12-19-2005, 02:10 PM   #3
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December716 HB User
Re: Being Bipolar has ruined my life

I know it's hard. I had went to three different psychiatrists before finding this amazing, caring one who not only LISTENED to me, he had a diagnoses (of Bipolar II). I don't know if you went to normal doctors, but primary care doctors really aren't experienced enough to treat and provide proper care for Bipolar. I recommended trying to find a good psychiatrist or NP who specializes in psych. (that's who I see) and trying medicine again. It's too hard to attempt to work on other areas of life if your Bipolar isn't taken care of, because you will feel too depressed. Having Bipolar II also, I know how difficult it is to struggle with the depression.

As far as your family, I have difficult issues with my family as well, and I've learned to utitlize Al-Anon for it. It's a great support program for people who grew up with alcoholic/drug-addict parents, etc. I really recommend it (Al-Anon or even ACA). Just my suggestions.

 
Old 12-20-2005, 08:58 AM   #4
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emeraldeyes114 HB User
Re: Being Bipolar has ruined my life

Hon I can totally relate to what you wrote and it broke my heart in more ways then I can say. I was diagnosed when I was sixteen. I knew what was wrong long before the doctors did and actually helped them come to that conclusion. I swear it is true. Like you I have been on so many meds that it is almost sickening and I have no friends myself. But I would be happy to count you among them if you would like. I am sorry to hear that people in your life who you should be able to count on weren't there for you as they should have been. It would or might make a huge difference. My family is ashamed of me as a daughter, sister, and all around human being. They don't try to understand what being Bipolar is about or why I do the things I do. I try to do better but it usually ends up going pretty badly for me. If you ever want or need to talk you can email me at [ please read and follow the posting rules - no emails ] ] Perhaps we can help one another out. Emeraldeyes114



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Old 12-20-2005, 08:10 PM   #5
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Being Bipolar has ruined my life

You have certainly found the right place here where you won't feel so alone!!

I wasn't correctly diagnosed until I was 30 years old and until then (just like you) I knew I was just plain odd, different, strange, with no friends & only my family who seemed to want anything to do with me. (Cause they had to I figure)

Finding the right med was what made my life bearable - and I'm wondering if you just haven't had the right doctor, or meds, or both.

I still don't have alot of friends, and I graduated 2 years late from high school with no cap and gown, no college...

Coffeegirl2 is right on target when she reminds you that you have more strength in your little finger than most people because of what you have been through and survived so far.

I'm wondering if with a little more work (maybe a different doctor?) you would find a med(s) mix that would be better and give you a little sunnier way of looking at your life.
Ok, maybe I'll never be accused of being sunny (!) but I do finally have a really nice guy for a husband (married at age 35) a job I really like, a COUPLE of friends at least -
and believe it or not, I credit Bipolar Disorder for an extremely empathic ability.

Please join us here - you may even find yourself of great help to someone else who feels like you...!
Ruth

 
Old 12-22-2005, 06:13 AM   #6
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Trentyboi HB User
Re: Being Bipolar has ruined my life

I read your story and it made me feel so stupid.

I have a dad with bipolar and I thought he was bad. I am just lucky he is on medication.

I never do this but my heart goes towards you. Don't let bipolar beat you.

I know it is tough at times (father gets depressed) but you can have good times aswell.

Is it possible that you could join a club or do a sport? That could help you make friends.


But hey what do I know, I'm only 14.

 
Old 12-22-2005, 12:12 PM   #7
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sals05 HB User
Re: Being Bipolar has ruined my life

Sad Girl, thank you for sharing your story. You've certainly been dealt more than your fair share of difficulty in life. (As well as some of the other posters on this thread).

I'm sorry that you've been treated so harshly. You certainly did nothing to deserve that. You are NOT a horrible monster! You come across as a sweet and sensitive soul who's just had a hard time in life so far. That's not your fault.

I've had a really messed up life myself and I understand how hard it can be to overcome the past. It took me YEARS to realize the traumas I suffered through as a child did not mark me as damaged goods for the rest of my life.

Sometimes I feel as though the scars I carry inside are exposed for all the world to see and it's so uncomfortable. I have to remind myself that I'm just as good and just as deserving as everyone else. That is the horror abusive parents (in my case - abusive foster parents) leave with their children. It's very unfair and very hard to overcome but you can do it. You ARE worthy of a happy and fulfilling life. It can happen for you, although I know that's hard to accept when you're feeling so low. But trust me, it can happen. Don't ever give up!

You have to be a very strong person to have made it this far. Don't count yourself out. Don't assume the second stage of your life is going to be as bad as the first. I know it's hard but hang in there. Life probably holds some wonderful surprises for you in the future.

((Hugs))

 
Old 12-22-2005, 12:17 PM   #8
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sals05 HB User
Re: Being Bipolar has ruined my life

I just wanted to say one more thing.....When your child grows up he's going to see what a wonderful role model you are for overcoming all the obstacles you've overcome and he'll respect you so much for that.

My oldest daughter is an adult and she knows of the things I've been through in my life. She's my #1 fan. We are so close. She thinks I'm strong enough to take on the world and win. LOL I've taught her a lot about being strong and yet compassionate from my experiences. I have a feeling you will do the same for your son and he'll grow up to be an awesome person because of your guidance and nurturing.

 
Old 12-22-2005, 03:17 PM   #9
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kathryn00 HB User
Re: Being Bipolar has ruined my life

I really wish the best for both of you. It is so hard to make choices for yourself when you are a child and cannot support yourself. You are stuck in your situation whether it is good or bad. Too bad we cannot chose our parents. They learn their behaviors from the past generations. But we can chose to learn by their mistakes and make the next generation better.

It is almost as if you were meant to stop the vicious cycle. From your illness, you have learned compassion, empathy and tolerance. You understand life a lot better than others. You have to lay your past to rest because to some extent it is not your parent's fault. Yes, they should know better, but some people have never been taught the right things or were treated badly. This is not only a family problem, but a world problem. Somewhere along the way we have taken the wrong path.

So, now you have to work hard at making your life better with all the courage you can muster. You can help turn things around in this world by teaching your child the values that are most important. People find a way to lift themselves up from tragic circumstances all of the time, but sometimes the answers aren't easy to see. Just find a new way of looking.

I personally know how hard it is to change the way I've always done things. Our traits become ingrained in the person we have become. Think of it as peeling the layers off of a head of lettuce. Figure out the one thing that is holding you down the most or that will alleviate the most stress and work on that. The better you start feeling, the faster the layers of lettuce will come off until you are only left with the heart.

Happy Holidays and remember, you will make it!

PS What happened to the three cats?

Last edited by kathryn00; 12-22-2005 at 03:38 PM.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 02:03 PM   #10
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barbaric_yawp HB User
Re: Being Bipolar has ruined my life

Hey Girl,
You hang in there, I am right there with you. Look at the clock now, know that we are here too, perhaps friendless and lonely, but remember that at XX:15 p.m. we are also out there. I will look at the clock and think of you.

I recently made up my mind to change my 'friendless state' and have been going to a community center for play time with other mothers. You would be surprised how nice people can be and it is so refreshing to be in circles of people who don't know you from Adam. Look in your local paper for play times or other free events at your YMCA or other places (local community center) and go!


Wishing you the best.

 
Old 12-28-2005, 02:03 PM   #11
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barbaric_yawp HB User
Re: Being Bipolar has ruined my life

Hey Girl,
You hang in there, I am right there with you. Look at the clock now, know that we are here too, perhaps friendless and lonely, but remember that at XX:15 p.m. we are also out there. I will look at the clock and think of you.

I recently made up my mind to change my 'friendless state' and have been going to a community center for play time with other mothers. You would be surprised how nice people can be and it is so refreshing to be in circles of people who don't know you from Adam. Look in your local paper for play times or other free events at your YMCA or other places (local community center) and go!


Wishing you the best.

 
Old 12-31-2005, 04:24 PM   #12
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Msszsingle HB User
Re: Being Bipolar has ruined my life

Bless you, dear one. I can relate. I started having bipolar symptoms at the tender age of 8 was not diagnosed until I was 35 because I was always too afraid to let anyone (including friends, family and doctors) know what was going on inside my head. I just became a weird recluse with no friends. I dated a few guys when I found out that taking my dad's Valium helped me calm down enough to sit and talk with guys. I started cutting on myself at 8. What 8 year old does that? I am now 47 and my life has been pure hell from one end to the other. It has been the mind-blowing anguish of depression most of my life along with agitation punctuated by full blown mania. I have attempted suicide several times by overdose. Been arrested several times for psychotic behavior. I stabilized for a while when I married, till my husband became abusive and I escaped into the numbness of suicidal depression and homicidal rage and finally turned myself in to a psychiatrist to be evaluated. She immediately said, "Bipolar." But it took 7 years of medication trials and 19 ECT treatments (and divorce, of course!) to stabilize to a degree where I can now enjoy sitting in my room and watching TV and listening to music. I still can't read or go to a movie because of the underlying agitation. Olanzapine is the only thing that really helped, and it helped almost immediately. The only problems were that I gained about 80 lbs in a very short time and slept 16 hours a day. So when I was on it, I was either eating or sleeping and I hated that part of it. I am on Seroquel now but am having a bad reaction to it (breathing trouble) so I am afraid it will be back to Olanzapine in January when I go back to my psychiatrist. He will be furious that I have stopped the Seroquel, but after 2 trips to the ER with trouble breathing (they diagnosed anxiety but I know it is the Seroquel) who's going to take a chance?

I guess I am getting off the point, but what I wanted to say is that you do have someone important in your life -- your son. Hang on to that. My husband was such a jerk I never wanted to have children with him and now it is too late. And I'm glad we both have a place where we can come, on these message boards, to talk about it with people who understand.

 
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