I promised my mother mid November that I would visit her and help her out during and after an upcoming surgery. Various occurrences posponed the surgery till next week. As the time draws near I have been experiencing an increase in mood disturbances, including frequency, duration and severity. I'm positive that it is not totally related to the upcoming trip. In fact, the idea hadn't occurred to me till a couple days ago when the idea was suggested to me by my s/o. Nonetheless, I had to stop and consider the impact the trip is currently having and will have on me in the future.
I realized yesterday that I should not go. Enter the big sinking feeling in my stomach.
I talked on the phone with my mom some yesterday, and told her a little bit of what's been going on. She has always supported me in my illnes to the best of her ability. Sometimes above and beyond what she should have, leaving her needs unmet. She assured me that she understands. That she would be disappointed, but would rather I stay home and take care of myself than to have problems. Just the thing for a mother to say, right?
I feel terrible. I feel guilty. I feel that I'm always letting people down like this. I'm so angry that circumstances are like this. I feel like I've had plenty of time to get my stuff together and return to others what they have given me. Instead, I'm still not really even standing on my own two feet. I feel like a piece of old, used chewing gum stuck to the bottom of someone's sneaker. . .
What better day could there be to have an appointment with my shrink, huh?
I apologize for the extended post. Thanks for listening.