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Old 01-18-2006, 10:55 AM   #1
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Question Who Am I?


Hello All,
I stumbled across this board quite by accident, but am very glad I did. Although its awful to realise that there are many many people out there world-wide living with similar feelings to myself in a selfish way it is comforting too. That though is human nature, not to feel on our own, to be able to relate, understand ones self and others too etc. Just latley im not doing such a good job of anything, i have entered one of my black voids and as hard as I try to scramble and tear at the walls to climb out, the only way i am going is down. The guilt is straddling me and with its entirety just suffocates me, I cant breath for reproach of every single thing that I do, so now I try to do as little as possible but that in return causes more feelings of guilt because I havent done what im supposed to do! Then I ask myself what would I like to do, who would I like to be, where would I go if I could muster up the courage or desire? I have no ideals even when I feel like this, mostly I compare myself to people I assume to be perfect and untainted unlike me. I seek pleasure permantly but guess what? Never achieve it, I constantly search for things, people, anything to make me feel a tiny bit better but never in my 29 years have I ever felt contented, satisfied etc. Ctnd.......

 
Old 01-18-2006, 02:34 PM   #2
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Re: Who Am I?

hello and welcome aboard!! theres alot of us in the same boat as you are but through experience we try to help one another any way we can by what we have learned,just remember there is light no matter how distant it may seem,keep hope!! thats all we can do,i know its hard to muster up motivation to do anything but do it regardless,are you seeing anyone for your problem?

 
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Old 01-19-2006, 04:39 AM   #3
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Smile Re: Who Am I?


Hello there,
Thank you for your reply, it means alot. In answer to your question yes, I have a new shrink!! Who infact out of the 5 I have had is the only one who has not only LISTENED, instead of signing prescriptions, but actually got me some help. She has enrolled me in a self esteem class, which I am currently waiting to start and has assigned me a CPN which has taken several yrs to acquire. I have done lots to try and help myself, going for various therapy, holistic, alternative etc. I read lots, trying to keep my brain active and full of good things. I love to learn, socialise, write both poetry and stories. I am at present teaching myself to play the guitar, so in essence I feel I am doing all that I can, however it never seems to be enough to make me feel any different about myself or the world that I live in. Although I crave company I think I prefer to be alone. Sometimes mania hits me and im like a mad person, all over doing everything, euphoric almost, but without the pleasurable feelings associated. I have no fear, no regret, no sense of reality until the times when I am reduced to the state I find myself in now. Loanliness in a world so full, desperate to be understood but failing to make myslef clear, for my actions do not represent my thoughts. I am one big contradiction, I understand myself, I have critically analysed over the years, but never seem to find a place to fit in. I suppose I have my own views (as does everyone) I dont accept things just because I am told, I explore myself, and dont follow suit simply to suit, I do what is ethically and morally right. I express myself in many ways, clothes and hats been one, I wear what I feel comfortable in not what fashion dictates. Narrow mindedness and predujice upsets me as does discrimination and I have to voice my opinion, it makes for a hard life so I retreat, and hurt and reflect and sometimes hate the world for all its bitterness and neglect. Then I look at the natural beauty, the flowers in spring, the sunlight on my face, the sound of the waves licking the sand, the feeling of giving and receiving love, basically all the free things on offer in life, what I feel it should be about and its re-energizes me. Until I go out there again!!! The only one that can help is me and i know that, I cannot change in whole, my personality is me, my soul is engraved deeply into every part of me and that is what is tainted, its where the bad memories lay, its the child locked inside. I dont dwell, or feel self pitty, that is a waste of time and energy, but I respect the fact that what I am is what I am made of Good and Bad, Happy and Sad, Broken and Fixed etc. My past is my future as it has played a part of moulding me, my thoughts and views, and my future
is only as good as I can make it, and what I am, how I feel and see will also play a part, so to me in essence they are if only slightly connected. My oh my I babble on!!!! Thats the profoundness in me that never gets the chance to surface, deep and meaningfulls are a void in my life, I suppose I lack a friend whom reflects my own thoughts etc. I do hope you are ok? Do you live in the UK? What sort of a time are you having right now? For all else that may read my post, I am so sorry to have whittered on but I do feel a little lighter for that!!!! My thoughts and prayers to all, and if I can ever be of help, please know that I am just a good a listener as babbler!!!!!

God Bless x

 
Old 01-19-2006, 10:45 AM   #4
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Re: Who Am I?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LOWnley~Me!

Hello All,
I stumbled across this board quite by accident, but am very glad I did. Although its awful to realise that there are many many people out there world-wide living with similar feelings to myself in a selfish way it is comforting too. That though is human nature, not to feel on our own, to be able to relate, understand ones self and others too etc. Just latley im not doing such a good job of anything, i have entered one of my black voids and as hard as I try to scramble and tear at the walls to climb out, the only way i am going is down. The guilt is straddling me and with its entirety just suffocates me, I cant breath for reproach of every single thing that I do, so now I try to do as little as possible but that in return causes more feelings of guilt because I havent done what im supposed to do! Then I ask myself what would I like to do, who would I like to be, where would I go if I could muster up the courage or desire? I have no ideals even when I feel like this, mostly I compare myself to people I assume to be perfect and untainted unlike me. I seek pleasure permantly but guess what? Never achieve it, I constantly search for things, people, anything to make me feel a tiny bit better but never in my 29 years have I ever felt contented, satisfied etc. Ctnd.......
Hi! Welcome!

You sound like you need a pick-me-up…It just so happens that I was talking to my counselor yesterday about this same thing. I hope I can summarize this complex theory of Rational Emotive Development in a few words (all directed at changing your perception about who you are and moving on from there, one event at a time):

Here is the theory, with negative outcome:
A) Activating Events: there is an event that you react to, say you are fired from work.
B) Beliefs: are thoughts attitudes and assumptions: you believe that you were sabotaged by your co-workers.
C) Consequences: this leads you to depression, low self esteem, apathy and/or confusion, etc….

Here is the same event with a positive outcome:
A) Activating event: you are fired
B) Belief: you did a good job but you do not take this personal
C) Consequences: you move on with the knowledge that you did the best you could. You then can muster the energy to find a new job, take the lessons here and improve upon them!

I don’t know if this helps, but it makes sense to me. You just have to have a flexible mind when you approach a problem. If your natural instinct is to leave an event with a bad attitude, then you will have negative consequences. If you change your perspective (key word here) you will find positive consequences. Plug any event in your life into the formula and see if you can’t reach a more positive, esteem building, alternatives! THAT will help you figure out who you are…it will define you as a person, an accomplished person, who deserves to have a good life.

B.Y.
(bp for years, 34 yrs old, recovering alcoholic, still in the process of rediscovery etc…so I know where you are coming from)



People are disturbed not by things, but by the views they take of them…

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he...

Last edited by barbaric_yalp; 01-19-2006 at 10:47 AM.

 
Old 01-19-2006, 12:15 PM   #5
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Wink Re: Who Am I?

Hi,
Thanks for your reply, it is true, and I thank you knidly for sharing it with me, it means alot. An individuals life is based on ones belief system. Of course their are many ways to interperet situations and it is always best to do it with the upmost positive attitude. I create myself, my being by my thought, my thought by thought itself! Not to look at the reasons as to why not but the reasons as to why. I do share this reasoning and implement wherever and whenever I can. However as you will appreciate sometimes the head takes over and has you in a spin!!!!

Are you into philosophy too? These are a few philosophical words that help me.

"The mind is everything what you think you become"

"Perhaps the greatest cause of depression is the belief that life should be fair"

"Think before you think"

"The surest way of spoiling pleasure is to start examining your satisfaction"

"The beautiful hearts are they that are universal, open and ready for all things"

"Experience is not what happens to us but what we do with what happens to us"

One way that helped me to manage my paranoia was to minimize myself in life itself, take the view that if everyone thought like me they would not be busy thinking about or looking at, or talking about me, they would be thinking of themselves!!! This tends to work for me and I believe it to be true, as most people are that consumed with their lifes, circumstances, appointments etc they are simply too bothered to be taken up with me the stranger walking/driving down the road!!!
Like you I have an insight (much too deep) into addiction, and a few other diagnosis that I tend to neglect from thought, as I believe it is much more important to know what sort of a person has an illness, rather than what sort of illness a person has, if you understand!!! All this that I do know and I still cannot stop myself from feeling the way that I do, circumstances are prevalant I think, as i dont have many friends, although the ones I have are dear, they live long distance. These past few years I have being too poorly to work so have missed out on interacting. Being as sociable as I am doesnt help. Anyway, babble babble babble. I do hope you are well, thanks again and sorry for going on. Therapy at its best this lol!!!!!
God Bless Take care

 
Old 01-19-2006, 12:26 PM   #6
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Re: Who Am I?

Philosophy, religion, politics, social science, history, arceology...you name it..I LOVE to learn. It is my outlet to sanity away from bp...My life circulates around philosophy though, since it touches on all of the above schools of thought...

...There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so...

The mind is its own place, and in itself can make heav'n of hell, a hell of heav'n...



I LOVE your perspective!

B.Y.
Keep it comming!

Last edited by barbaric_yalp; 01-19-2006 at 12:28 PM.

 
Old 01-19-2006, 01:13 PM   #7
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Thumbs up Re: Who Am I?


Sounds like we are two of a kind, I love philosophy, anthrapologhy all kinds of everything too. My hubbies uncle is a prof of philosophy at a well known university, and has written many books of which I luckily get to read free! Last year I visited and got to go into parts otherwise strictly private, including the library where they store the original manuscripts for A.A Milne and likewise. It is floor to ceiling (at least90Ft) in pure oak. The whole place was wonderful and i felt alive, one of the few times I really ever felt anything as opposed to pain etc. I believe that its not what you think but how you think, and I cannot learn enough. My love for music aids me too, nothing specific just anything with meaning, or original. I have a radio next to my bed, one in the kitchen, files & files on this here comp, 100s of discs in the car!!! Sometimes i watch TV but only if its intersting, funny or relevant. I love to walk too but it is very industrial where we live so that limits me, I suppose im a bit of a naturalist, even though i am toxic with nicotine and caffine!!! There I go again on & on & on. it just feels soooooooo good to get it out without a blank set of eyes staring back!
Have you heard of the kalibilarian philosophy? its one of names and worth a look.
Bye for now

P.S I like your perspective too!!

 
Old 01-23-2006, 12:26 PM   #8
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So it may have had some relevance to you then/ I am quite taken with it, I looked up my childrens names and I was pleased, not that I would rule my world around it, but it would have (if i had have known about it) had some bearing on our choice. I wouldnt have chosen different. I dont think i will be able to pick up that station as i am in the UK and although I have digital radio dont think the frequency would generate this far??!!! It sounds truly great though, I would love to listen to something with the power to turn my emotions in that way. I hope that you are well. Oh in answer to your Q. Re. my name it is Iona, celtic, my father is a Scots man! Nordic, and german very close mix and of good sort too barb!!! God bless, take care.

 
Old 01-23-2006, 12:37 PM   #9
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Re: Who Am I?

Quote:
Originally Posted by LOWnley~Me!

So it may have had some relevance to you then/ I am quite taken with it, I looked up my childrens names and I was pleased, not that I would rule my world around it, but it would have (if i had have known about it) had some bearing on our choice. I wouldnt have chosen different. I dont think i will be able to pick up that station as i am in the UK and although I have digital radio dont think the frequency would generate this far??!!! It sounds truly great though, I would love to listen to something with the power to turn my emotions in that way. I hope that you are well. Oh in answer to your Q. Re. my name it is Iona, celtic, my father is a Scots man! Nordic, and german very close mix and of good sort too barb!!! God bless, take care.

There is something to it, undoubtedly. I love your name, very pretty. What does it mean? Look up This American Life, they have streaming radio.

 
Old 01-24-2006, 03:50 AM   #10
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Cool Re: Who Am I?


Hi D,
Thank you, my name means,

Emhasise emotional intensity hard to control (nervous system). Inspirational, idealist and dramatic. Clear deep mind, talent to excel highly along inspirational lines such as musician, writer or artist. (I am currently self teaching guitar & do creative writing). Can be lifted by beauty in all forms and are at most creative when inspired. Expressive, affectionate nature, responds quickly through feelings. Must guard against being possesive and jealous. Weaknesses to head, tendancy to be depressed, low esteem and nerves.

Mostly true, and the possesive and jealousy would like to say not but I am at times. If only I could be what I know I could be all the time, it seems sometimes I am a spectator watching my life slip away. I just cant participate and know exactly what to say to myself but saying and doing are of course two different things. I am soooooooooooo glad to have found these boards and all you wonderful people on it. I hope you are well today. I am going to look up this american life deffinatley. Best wishes

Fee

 
Old 01-24-2006, 02:11 PM   #11
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Re: Who Am I?


Hey D,
I wish I had your enthusiasm for an early rise, I went from pure insomnia to erm well loving my kip!!!! I too have a 2 year old, so beautiful and so happy to rise at dawn!!!! She is in full time educational nursery and has flourished wonderfully since starting. Your book sounds interesting, does the plane jump have any connection with the way their spouses departed? An amatuer mess can and probably from the sounds of you will result in a best seller I am sure. Do I get to read it?!
I have a job interview this week so am on a high, feeling a little more positive etc, so needless to say I shall keep you updated. I trust you are well? See you soon.

 
Old 01-24-2006, 02:37 PM   #12
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Re: Who Am I?

Kip? Is that a nap/sleeping in? Cute word...I love funny words! ( like tweak, twitch, geek, etc... I don't know why. I love saying 'mate' even though I am not English--too cute!). That is awesome that you have a 2yr old also. you are lucky to have day care. I take care of him full time, but I do have an office in my house where I can get work done, so that is not too bad.

I would not go so far as to call it a book, more like a short story--I am not up to writing books yet, I have a ton to learn. So, in answer to your question, maybe you can read it in about 20 years when I have learned to actually write! Yes, they decide to pack it in after their husbands were killed in war...

Congrats on your job, keep me posted on how you do--what is it for?

 
Old 01-25-2006, 01:37 AM   #13
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Re: Who Am I?


Hi there,
Kip means sleep youre right, I have a few words that I keep for my own pleasure and love saying too, here goes (you will think im bonkers)!! Pumps, plympsoles, party jokes, auburn, luvvie, duck and balaclava!!!!!!!!!!!!! You must say them with a northen English accent though to get the full effect, (like the mad woman off fraser)! I said your with an American one!!!! I thought I was alone in this, obviously not!!!!
My interview is for an accounts executive but I feel that is too pretentious so accounts manager will suffice. In about ten mins im going to do my cement mix (make-up) and put my clobber on (clothes). Sorry not sure if your familiar. Is your your young boy going through that terrible awkward stage??? I have a 10 year old boy (going on 46)!! Like my dad, he is soooo intelligent, sometimes too clever if you understand. They are my life, but I feel sorrow for them having me sometimes.
Last night was chaotic, we have a cockatiel called Billy he went missing, I pictured next doors cat toying with him then ending his little life, I sat here an hour ago, before dropping the children off crying then went upstairs to dress and there he was coming out from under my bed!!!! My hubby and I we out with a torch late last night calling Billy, neighbours will have thought "she's off again"!!!!!!!!!!!
I hope your well, we are just over 8 hours difference here (im ahead) so u will be tucked up in bed now, hopefully zzzzzzzzzzzzing it!!
Take care
Nickname
Noni!!

 
Old 01-25-2006, 06:27 AM   #14
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Re: Who Am I?

Noni (love the nick name!)
Bonkers is also a fav…what is plympsoles? American accent is so boring, so flat compared to yours which, to me, is much more cultured. I am a foreigner at heart, in fact I have plans to emigrate to Europe one day. I think our country will loose its strength within the next 50years and I have decided to come to a country that has proven its staying power. Plus I am more of a socialist than a capitalist—such a selfish concept-- NO healthcare, and whatever small income the public provides to the poor is slowly being cut off by our stupid govt. I can’t stand when the needy are left to rot!

Cool beans (like the expression, although-- cheezy—another funny word ) about your job! I sell real estate and work independently, no bosses to tell me what to do! Luv it! My kid walks like a prince, so no motor skill problems, but still poops like a pauper (the royals don’t S$%T, right?). this is his facial expression while doing it

Glad you found your bird. I have an easy pet to take care of: a 90lb, pure bred, Wimerainer who is so attached that if I forget him outside for hours, I can always expect him to be waiting by the door patiently to be let in. See if you can’t guess which part of the U.S. I live in, here is a clue: The Wild, Wild West….hmmmm

D-dog (not really nick name, just funny)

 
Old 01-25-2006, 02:07 PM   #15
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Re: Who Am I?


Hiya,
I would not like to hazard a guess as to which state, but your accent facinates me, "It was a VW and the liiiiights were shining briiiight!!!!! from an alien doc on sky!!!
I worked independently for a while, I set my own project up and implemented it in schools, colleges and university's in the City raising awareness on youth homelessness. It was awarded funding and taken on by a registered charity and is now part of the National Curriculam (topics in schools). I quite like the idea of setting up a garage with only female mechanics with a funky theme to it, but dont have all the finances necessary and am not too determined enough at present to get it started hence the return to an employer. I admire you for your work though it must be rewarding but hard.
So which part of Europe do you envisage yourself venturing to? I have always wanted to go to the states, my brother in law worked in San Fran for a while but is now a ski instructor in France. I LOVE Elvis, & Blues (missisippi and delta) so graceland has always been on my agenda, along with Texas, also I would love to travel on the famous Greyhound buses for miles, The desserts and remote parts have appealed to me mostly. I am not into commercialism, therefore take my family to Scotland (highlands) and coastal places alke.
As for royalty s****g they do and on their on doorsteps!!!! My interview went well have a second one on Friday, shaking like a leaf I was. What in heavens name is your pet?!!
I hope you are well today, what is the weather like for you. Bitterly cold here but its the way I like it, that icey freshness on my face makes me feel alive, although the trees can look a little severe with nothing but spiky branches all else is beautiful. Well im off, good book and bed!
Take care Deputy D

Noni

 
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