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Old 01-19-2006, 11:46 AM   #1
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It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help

What do you say to your father when you have just come out of one of the worst depressions in your life and to make a long story short he says, "You have free will."

He's a Professor Emeritus and he is trying to tell me that basically I didn't experience that much pain and that's nice that the A.D. helped me, but I should have been able to function just fine----fight through it, in other words.

It hurts deep in my soul when we have these discussions. All I ever really say is, "Maybe if you were in my shoes one time, you would know..." But then I just become a child and my eyes tear up and I leave the room and have a gut-wrenching cry.

I cry for him because after all these years, he still doesn't get it. I cry because I'm reliving the hell I just came out of and for all the other times I was in that dark pit and no one understood.

God bless all the kids who are there now, who are scared, who want to be anywhere but on this earth, and who don't have anyone who understands and can get them help.

I'm 40 and I have a father who has lived and known about my pain on and off for 20 years and he still makes comments such as, "You have free will."

I am here as well as anyone on these boards, to understand and help. And I won't tell you to Snap out of it.

Salty

Last edited by salty; 01-19-2006 at 11:55 AM.

 
Old 01-19-2006, 01:41 PM   #2
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Re: It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help

What do you say to your father when you have just come out of one of the worst depressions in your life and to make a long story short he says, "You have free will."

I would say that chemical imbalances ROB you of your free will. I would also have him run that by prof. of phsych.!!! He may gain some perspective.

God bless your good heart--your writting here showes you have a sweet personality and have overcome much darkness.

B.Y.

Last edited by barbaric_yalp; 01-19-2006 at 01:42 PM.

 
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Old 01-19-2006, 08:08 PM   #3
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Re: It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help

Thank you, B.Y., I needed that.

Salty

 
Old 01-20-2006, 05:49 AM   #4
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Re: It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help

Hi There,
I completely relate to your post. Although the person whom constantly tells me that i am in controll fully of myself, my thoughts my actions my moods, my ups my downs my entirety is my HUSBAND. I am constantly apologising and begging forgiveness for all that I do. If i am distant he feels its cos i dont want to be near him. If my moods are swinging like an ape from tree to tree i am purposely doing it, if i am down in that big black hole i should snap out of it and look at what i have.If i get nasty (which i do) I say bad things and sometimes get violent its like im not there someone else is acting for me, then he threatens to leave me cos he thinks that i am vindictive and evil. He says i am very intelligent so cannot and will not believe that i am ill. He has never read anything on BPD or OCD, he says that attending some docs appointments is showing me he cares. I wish to god i could make him understand how it feels to be me for just one day. I get compulsive about lots of things, shopping for one, i buy things i dont need or start collecting things like skirts, hats etc, he says its an excuse to shop. When im manic i drink and he does not drink at all so its constant arguing. I feel like a child in a womans body. Sometimes i lose the ability to read or write he perceives it as lazyness, because at that time i am not getting dressed or doing chores. I feel like screaming and screaming and never stopping until someone admits that they dont just hear me they actually are able to interpret just what the noises mean. Its a loanly loanly world for me and many many others, a world of up hill struggles and fights just to be what all others seem to be anyway. Because my behaviour is contradictory that in itself seems suspicious but it isnt it is me, just me LOWnly me!!!
I hope you manage to resolve things i really do. Take care and god bless.

 
Old 01-20-2006, 06:21 AM   #5
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I completely relate to your post. Although the person whom constantly tells me that i am in controll fully of myself, my thoughts my actions my moods, my ups my downs my entirety is my HUSBAND. I am constantly apologising and begging forgiveness for all that I do. If i am distant he feels its cos i dont want to be near him.

Men, and esp. men who have never experienced depression, tend to say that (I notied that the board has put our sexes up, and mine is wrong...). My husband says: well, you have the think yourself out of depression--take stock of how lucky you are. Yeah right, I say, did that-- and still depressed! He says: just snap out of it, that is how I get over depression. Different story and chemical makeup entirely, I say, that allows you to do such a thing.

When I feel good, I do my best to think positive all the time. I think this staves off a depression phase so I can stay happy longer. Mind over matter works, when your treated and feeling good. Matter over mind is the disease that is bp! Tell your dad that...

Lownley:
If my moods are swinging like an ape from tree to tree i am purposely doing it, if i am down in that big black hole i should snap out of it and look at what i have.If i get nasty (which i do) I say bad things and sometimes get violent its like im not there someone else is acting for me,

What meds do you take? My med 'cocktail' works perfect. It has snapped me back to reality...

Bless you,

B.Y.

Last edited by barbaric_yalp; 01-20-2006 at 06:23 AM.

 
Old 01-20-2006, 09:18 AM   #6
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Re: It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help

Hiya,
AAAHHHHHH my meds!!! I have only just (after coming on here) started my meds again, they have been in a cupboard for several weeks. It must be my 10th combination at least, they are risperidone, sertraline and librium. As I say I lost complete faith and took non for well over two yrs feeling just the same without as with. But this is a new combination of all the drugs i have been previously prescribed!! I have a job interview on Wednesday next week and am priming myself in everyway, the meds just one thing.


"a great deal of intelligence can be invested in ignorance when the need for illusion is deep"


"Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind over taxed"


What meds do you take? How long did it take to find the one to help best? Best wishes all.

 
Old 01-20-2006, 10:24 AM   #7
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Re: It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help

Quote:
Originally Posted by LOWnley~Me!
Hiya,
What meds do you take? How long did it take to find the one to help best? Best wishes all.


"Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind over taxed"

LOVE THIS ONE!!!!!

What worked for me (a bp type II) is Lamictal 200mg/day and Abilify 2.5mg/day. It has done awesome things for me. For me, it takes my anxiety and mania away and has curbed my depression in a huge way.

D.

We no longer need to feel that the path tread by most of humanity is one of quiet desperation.

 
Old 01-20-2006, 10:28 AM   #8
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Re: It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help

Salty: how are you doing today?

D.

 
Old 01-20-2006, 11:41 AM   #9
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Re: It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help

Hi Salty

Unfortunately that kind of response seems to be pervading the mental health system, I was told several times that my desire to kill myself was my responsiblity and that if I didn't want to change my thoughts that was down to me and nobody else. I've been told by psych nurses that my depression and anxiety were brought about by my thought processes and if I'd tried harder to change them I wouldn't have been so depressed. I have listened to a huge amount of rubbish from people over the years - I find the only way I cope now is to either (1) avoid those people or (2) avoid talking about depression with them. I think it's really sad that your dad doesn't see how much he hurts you, but you can't do much about how he feels. It's tough when our parents don't give us what we need emotionally. I've had to pretty much cut mine out of my life as I just couldn't handle the way they were with me (my mum would talk about how my illness was much harder for her to handle than it was for me and how it was unfair of me to ask her for help). I'm not saying you should cut your dad out - just want you to know you're not on your own xx

 
Old 01-20-2006, 12:35 PM   #10
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Re: It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help

I have listened to a huge amount of rubbish from people

Yes, Picali said it! Rubbish is right-- Only those WITH this disease, and some empathetic docs, can really know how out of control your emotions are!

 
Old 01-20-2006, 04:15 PM   #11
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Re: It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help

LOWnley~Me!, your post tugged at my heart and soul. I felt like screaming outloud for you!

I have been on a mood stabilizer for 20 years, so the mania hasn't been the problem, but I still can relate to you. Are you on anything for the mania? Are you on anything when you are in the big black hole?

Unfortunately, we can't make anyone who hasn't been there understand us even for one day. We are suppose to rise above it all, we are expected to hold down jobs, manage relationships and act "normal" because we are on meds...problem solved, right? Wrong.

We still ache because we missed out on so much, we wonder were we'd be if all of this hadn't happened to us. We see our lives passing us by and really all we've accomplished is hopefully we've found medication to keep us from going insane, allow us to get out of bed in the morning and meds that allow us to keep it together long enough to ask God for help in our relationships and if we don't already have children, we pray we will be able to one day.

You aren't lazy, you have a chemical imbalance. No one knows what that feels like until he/she has it too.

I feel like a child in a woman's body as well. I always wonder when that will change if ever. I can picture it, I just am not living it.

I couldn't have said this better myself, "I feel like screaming and screaming and never stopping until someone admits that they don't just hear me, they actually are able to interpret just what the noises mean. It's a lonely lonely world for me and many many others, a world of uphill struggles and fights just to be what all others seem to be. Because my behaviour is contradictory that in itself seems suspicious, but it isn't, it is me."

It's you because of your chemical imbalance. Who knows who you would be if you never had that? It's really that simple---a chemical imbalance, yet it's so very, very hard.

I know I am not you, but I feel your pain through my pain and it doesn't make it all better, but could you write me about your meds, if you've been on any or if you are on any now or if you want to be on them and we'll see if we can come up with something you can propose to your doctor (if you even have one right now).

I'll be damned if I am going to sit by and not try to help you somehow.

Salty




Quote:
Originally Posted by LOWnley~Me!
Hi There,
I completely relate to your post. Although the person whom constantly tells me that i am in controll fully of myself, my thoughts my actions my moods, my ups my downs my entirety is my HUSBAND. I am constantly apologising and begging forgiveness for all that I do. If i am distant he feels its cos i dont want to be near him. If my moods are swinging like an ape from tree to tree i am purposely doing it, if i am down in that big black hole i should snap out of it and look at what i have.If i get nasty (which i do) I say bad things and sometimes get violent its like im not there someone else is acting for me, then he threatens to leave me cos he thinks that i am vindictive and evil. He says i am very intelligent so cannot and will not believe that i am ill. He has never read anything on BPD or OCD, he says that attending some docs appointments is showing me he cares. I wish to god i could make him understand how it feels to be me for just one day. I get compulsive about lots of things, shopping for one, i buy things i dont need or start collecting things like skirts, hats etc, he says its an excuse to shop. When im manic i drink and he does not drink at all so its constant arguing. I feel like a child in a womans body. Sometimes i lose the ability to read or write he perceives it as lazyness, because at that time i am not getting dressed or doing chores. I feel like screaming and screaming and never stopping until someone admits that they dont just hear me they actually are able to interpret just what the noises mean. Its a loanly loanly world for me and many many others, a world of up hill struggles and fights just to be what all others seem to be anyway. Because my behaviour is contradictory that in itself seems suspicious but it isnt it is me, just me LOWnly me!!!
I hope you manage to resolve things i really do. Take care and god bless.

 
Old 01-20-2006, 04:20 PM   #12
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Re: It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help

I'll be damned if I am going to sit by and not try to help you somehow.

me too..

 
Old 01-21-2006, 02:11 AM   #13
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Re: It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help


Hiya Salty & Barb,
I hope you are both well, Im sorry when I wrote the post I didnt mean to provoke any sad feelings, I was merely relating. However on reading it back it does sound awful doesnt it!!! Then I realised this is my life. Thank you for being soo kind, I want to be of help too, I love to help, listen etc. There is too much bitterness, and contemptuous feelings alongside pseudo remarks misunderstanding and untruths especially around mental health. Yesterday for the first time in a long time I started taking my new combo of meds (that were in my cupboard)! They consist of Risperidone, Sertraline and Librium. I lost my faith in meds as they didnt seem to do anything for me, I felt the same with as without. So I tried different approaches, some good some not so good, but I wanted to to be resourceful, selfhelp etc However I am willing to try again. I have a new shrink! Actually she is really very good, within three weeks of seeing her she has got me a CPN and enroled in a self esteem group. She seemed to listen not hear, I sat nonchalantly with her and expressed all my thoughts and fears, so it felt quite good.
After finding these boards I spoke to my husband and told him how I felt and he said that he just couldnt cope with my illness, and he knew it wasnt fair on me to pretend for his sake that I was ok, it sounded like it was either that or split up. Maybe i interprated it the wrong way? But if i show signs of illness he wants me in hospital, away from the house. I dont have a relationship with my parents and only one friend who know that im ill, so i do get loanly. Im sure everyone can relate to that. So I plod on and cry when he is at work, do the dutiful thing, lead the "normal life" sort of!!! Its taken me an hour to write this my concentration is bad!!! (i think its these meds) How are you both today anyway? Take care and god bless.

 
Old 01-21-2006, 05:37 AM   #14
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Re: It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help

Dream: I am rooting (I almost wrote 'tooting' ) for you! Please let me know if I can help at all...

 
Old 01-21-2006, 12:03 PM   #15
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Re: It's Not Your Fault; We Are All Here to Help

EVERYONE, I am so sorry I didn't write after every post! I actually just got done reading all of them. Somehow I went straight to LownleyMe. Thank you for all your insights. You have no idea how much your posts mean to me.

Salty

 
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