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Old 01-27-2006, 10:10 AM   #1
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ToLiveIsToRisk HB User
Hello...

I am 17....And have been diagnosed as bipolar for a few yrs...Though I have refused treatment.

Things haven't been too bad, although lately I have noticed myself on some major roller coasters....Along with alot of hanging by a thread between the grave of hopelessness and that little glimpse of normal and the sleep that has become so distant.

I can't go back to seek treatment.

I'm the only one. I've always wondered why I never fit in. Why I dont fit in with my own family, never have, never fit in anywhere, it's always been just me along on this journey of hell just me and my own mind...Alone in dealing with pain that I can never allow to leave my lips.

I don't know what to do.

I can't do this anymore.
I can't.
I need someone's advice.
Someone who understands where I am.

 
Old 01-27-2006, 10:21 AM   #2
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barbaric_yawp HB User
Re: Hello...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ToLiveIsToRisk
...

I don't know what to do.

I can't do this anymore.
I can't.
I need someone's advice.
Someone who understands where I am.

The advise most of us would give is what you do not want to hear: get treatment!

Do you want to fit back in with society? Have freinds? Not feel different? Love life? you can and you should get treatment. I know you hate being bp, you get so depressed you just want to die. Most people don't want treatment bc it makes them dull and feeling hollow inside. I have been on meds for 1 year now and have not even come close to regreting my decison. There are so many med options out there that can help you--have you even tried? How do you know you won't enjoy reality once you taste it??? If you don't seek treatment now, you problems will only get worse

You DO know what to do, sounds like you just need to overcome your fear!

You CAN do it
You Can, if...
you get treatment

Yes, to Live is to Risk...BUT to live is also to put your fears away.

B.Y.
Welcome to the boards, where we care, but sometimes must be frank.

Last edited by barbaric_yawp; 01-27-2006 at 10:24 AM.

 
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Old 01-27-2006, 07:00 PM   #3
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Hello...

Between the ages of 13 & 17 I...
Missed two years of school,
Was hospitalized 3 or 4 times,

Between 17 & 30 I...
Was catatonic - lost two weeks of my life
Was unable to go on to college
Spent 6 months in a semi-private hospital & had ECT (shock therapy)
Has one bad relationship after another (my classic bad judgement)
Had my first real manic episode, followed yearly by one that got more & more psychotic.

Needless to say I ALWAYS felt different.

At 30 I finally was correctly diagnosed and put on ONE mood stabilzer - Lithium.

Twenty years later I have held down good jobs, got married to a wonderful person and most people have NO idea of my diagnosis.

I would love to see you bypass those years from 17 - 30 that I had to go through.
They were beyond difficult for me and my family.

Please explain why you do not want treatment so that we can understand. What if your chemical imbalance was diabetes. Would you refuse treatment if your pancreas wasn't working right???

You can do this - life doesn't have to be a constant roller coaster!
In the meantime, try to find as much structure as you can in a day. Regular meals, a regular bedtime, cut down on caffeine & stress as much as possible...

You came to the right place and a big welcome to you!
Ruth

 
Old 01-27-2006, 08:00 PM   #4
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Re: Hello...

Hey barbaric and ruth...thanks for your input....
Yes I have also missed almost 2 yrs of school....I missed the last half of gr.8, failed all of gr.9 because i skipped all the time to get stoked, but they let me skip those because I tested up to my age level and put me into gr. 10 (couldnt go into my grade because of credits )

Though i've only been hospitalized once.....Twice as long though because I OD'd while i was in there...
Well, I was on lithium and topamax (I think thats how you spell it) for awhile but all those did was make me sick and feel worse, not better, so i quit taking them. (Yes, without the permission of the doctor)
I am glad lithium worked for you though...

I dont know if i would actually, if i had a disease you could die from without meds no i wouldnt be taking meds because i dont care much if i die...and i hate pills....Though I try not to force it on myself.

I am afraid also to seek treatment for bipolar because my family gossips about me and treats me like a nutcase....So I have been denying to them and saying that the doctor is wrong, even though i dont believe that, it keeps them from giving me a hard time.

I've been trying to get routine, it doesnt work though, i either am too busy with things i haven't planned or can't get myself to get up at a good time or to even eat in a given time....
But i dont know how i can get rid of caffeine, coffee has taken the place of all the other addictions that i have kicked, so i drink alot of it, I guess i will try to cut back on it but I dont know how that will work out.

I think i would be more inclined to seek treatment when im old enough to have my own life and my family doesnt have to know anything...
Its hard enough being the only one who knows what its like without my own family giving me a hard time about it.

and btw barbaric i wouldn't expect any less than pure bluntness, I dont candy coat or tip toe around what i say so why should i expect other people to do it.

Thanks for the welcome guys....

 
Old 01-27-2006, 11:41 PM   #5
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Picali HB User
Re: Hello...

Hi there

I don't know your age - wondered if your family have to know (because you're younger?). I'm assuming you're in the US - in the UK 'minors' have a right to confidentiality. Just wondering if there's a way of you getting help without your family knowing?

Lots of the meds make people ill - it is trial and error but once you find a combo that works you can achieve incredible results.

If you can, I'd really advise talking to your doctor again and trying a different combo, as well as finding out about therapy. If your doc isn't very helpful, are you able to see someone else? Do a search for 'mental health' organisations - you might be able to find other sources of help there.

Your family don't sound very supportive and my heart goes out to you. Unfortunately a lot of people with mental health needs have unsupportive families - I personally believe it's a contributory factor. Is there any way you can move away from them?

Let us know how you're getting on

Janine

 
Old 01-29-2006, 12:45 PM   #6
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Re: Hello...

Yeah picali, i'm 17 and either way if i started asking for rides to the doctor/counseling appointments/picking up meds uhhh im sure they'd get the picture and not only give me a hard time and start gossiping about me again, i'd probably also add flame by not telling them.

Im not sure if there is any point in spending months or even years trying to find the right drug. I would rather die. Whats the point? what if i die while im bipolar AND worse because of the meds? Id rather just die bipolar.

and no, im 17, well in 2 months i will be, so right now my means for food comes from uh...this fridge.
I can't move away from here cause im a minor and that would only get me into social services child care and what a load of unnecessary crap that would turn into.

I really dont think i can do anything without making myself vulernable to ridicule and gossip again. Not at the moment.
*sigh*
oh well. at least i thought about trying i guess.

 
Old 01-29-2006, 01:11 PM   #7
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Hello...

I know from first hand experience, like you, that being intelligent and bipolar is a helluva ride.
On the one hand we are smart enough to think analytically -
Until our chemicals go wacky again and we have no control...

It's the pits, and I cannot imagine going through what you are (with no support from your family) but I DO know that if ANYone can do it you certainly can.
You are blessed with the intelligence to read up on Bipolar on the web, and do check out the NAMI site - and more than anything I want you to know that there is
HOPE.
I'm betting you are plucky enough & stubborn enough to stick it out until you can leave home. And head straight for help.
Until then, do you see the year that I joined HealthBoards???
I have no reason I won't still be here that many years from now, so why not stick around here - manic or depressed, even if you only have energy to read - I'll be here.

Hang in there - I want to be having a wonderful conversation with you 2 years from now as you head out to a class, or a seminar, or an appt.
Will you try??
Hugs,
Ruth

 
Old 01-30-2006, 05:52 PM   #8
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barbaric_yawp HB User
Re: Hello...

ToLive: How are you today? Can we help at all?

Wishing you well,
B.Y.

 
Old 01-31-2006, 01:25 AM   #9
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ToLiveIsToRisk HB User
Re: Hello...

well ruth, most stubborn person in the world sometimes; not so stubborn other times. ty though, your words are encouraging.

barbaric, ty for asking, and not well, ive fallen into a depression that seems like its going to stay around for awhile. i dont think im ever gonna get out. i just wish i could go to sleep and never wake up. ever.

 
Old 01-31-2006, 05:51 AM   #10
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barbaric_yawp HB User
Re: Hello...

Hey, you are only 17, you have a chance to start another life! I know how it is to not want to lift your head off the pillow, but now, after over a year of meds and counseling I am living a different life. I know it seems like an eternaty when you are depressed, and you can't even imagine what happiness is, but i assure you that it is possible. Please, do what you can to get treatment, you are so young, I hate to hear that you have so little hope. Take care, keep us posted...B.Y.

 
Old 01-31-2006, 09:40 AM   #11
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Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Hello...

I understand that feeling of depression and then some.
It's like being in a deep dark pit, only when you look up there is no light.
It's wanting to join in a conversation because you're so quiet, but by the time a thought makes it's way through what feels like black sludge in your brain the conversation is already far gone.
It's wanting to lay on your bed forever. Forget about eating and changing your clothes.

One of my depressions did reach the catatonic stage where someone could literally lift my arm up and it was stay right there until someone lowered it down. My eyes were open but I was no longer seeing the world beyond my eyes. I wasn't eating - and when I quit drinking they made plans to transport me by ambulance to a psych hospital 3 hours from home.

One example of what happened to me around your age.
And yet, here I am today married, working, involved.
Why not you?
Why not?
A big cyberpolar hug,
Ruth

 
Old 01-31-2006, 10:25 AM   #12
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barbaric_yawp HB User
Re: Hello...

Ruth: you have come through such darkness, I really admire you for sharing your story to help others! Thanks!

 
Old 03-17-2006, 12:45 AM   #13
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ToLiveIsToRisk HB User
Re: Hello...

Thanks guys...Have not been 'round for awhile.....but these last couple wks I've hit my breaking point and decided I could not take this anymore. Gave myself 2 choices and decided to go with the one that's only failed me once.....treatment.....
What I learned though, when I went to my doctor is i DO have the right to confidentiality! Even though I am under 18, my info is not disclosed to my parents.
I was at the doctor yesterday...My GP....He said he could most definetley get me into the pdoc that i had a few yrs ago (As much as i hated him I liked him alot....) but it would probably be awhile.
So....he decided to start me on the presc. I was on before I quit treatment...Will be picking the presc. up in the morning....and we'll see...he said he'd call in for a month's worth, but wanted to see me again 3 wks from now..anyways.....Just thought i'd post an update....I just honestly hope treatment don't fail me x_x

 
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